for The Power of Destiny8/5/2010 c1 
10Midnight Writer2012
I loved this chapter. i think the edited version is good. I hope the rest is as good as this one!
10Midnight Writer2012I loved this chapter. i think the edited version is good. I hope the rest is as good as this one!
7/30/2010 c8 Insanity
I am extremely sorry for not reviewing such a long time, but I have traveled to Egypt and I dont have an internet connection here, meaning that i have been reduced to visiting internet cafes between extremeley long time intervals. Chapters seven and eight are amazing, as usual and i cant wait for more!
I am extremely sorry for not reviewing such a long time, but I have traveled to Egypt and I dont have an internet connection here, meaning that i have been reduced to visiting internet cafes between extremeley long time intervals. Chapters seven and eight are amazing, as usual and i cant wait for more!
7/29/2010 c8 7smurf-love
oh i bet its her mate... i hope mateo doesnt do anything rash when they come back
7smurf-loveoh i bet its her mate... i hope mateo doesnt do anything rash when they come back
7/28/2010 c8 5Inara Foxx
Dude... he's gotta get to shayla!
why do you do that? gr... lol
And yes... I was wondering why no one came back to check on Tamara. I mean, I figured the king would hear about it from someone. Or at least hear the his son was hurt, help him, and then hear it from Mateo. Lol I dunno. Maybe it's answered in the next chapter?
5Inara FoxxDude... he's gotta get to shayla!
why do you do that? gr... lol
And yes... I was wondering why no one came back to check on Tamara. I mean, I figured the king would hear about it from someone. Or at least hear the his son was hurt, help him, and then hear it from Mateo. Lol I dunno. Maybe it's answered in the next chapter?
7/27/2010 c8 your gaurdian angel
i have a feeling tamara and shayla are not going to get along when they meet
i have a feeling tamara and shayla are not going to get along when they meet
7/27/2010 c8 your gaurdian angel
i have a feeling tamara and shayla are not going to get along when they meet
i have a feeling tamara and shayla are not going to get along when they meet
7/27/2010 c1 dragongigi
Chapter 1 is weak. It is tedious to read. You explain every action and thought of the characters and because of that you constantly shift from character point of view to narrator point of view. You should stick to one. If you need to develop a completely different world use narrator point of veiw, otherwise let us see the world through the characters' eyes.
You should combine your short sentences and make one long smooth sentence.
Let Lucian personality show with his actions or words. For example when he drags the man through the castle. Let his eyes gaze on different women body parts or let him flirt with them. We will get that he is a player.
To get more readers, you have to redo chapter 1. It's too difficult to follow.
Also I read that you like Jennyt82, check out "Seared by Desire" it should give you pointers on improving your story.
Good luck.
Chapter 1 is weak. It is tedious to read. You explain every action and thought of the characters and because of that you constantly shift from character point of view to narrator point of view. You should stick to one. If you need to develop a completely different world use narrator point of veiw, otherwise let us see the world through the characters' eyes.
You should combine your short sentences and make one long smooth sentence.
Let Lucian personality show with his actions or words. For example when he drags the man through the castle. Let his eyes gaze on different women body parts or let him flirt with them. We will get that he is a player.
To get more readers, you have to redo chapter 1. It's too difficult to follow.
Also I read that you like Jennyt82, check out "Seared by Desire" it should give you pointers on improving your story.
Good luck.
7/27/2010 c8 Carlotta Lynn
Thanks so much for updating despite having a tough week! Can't wait for more! Sorry about your Grandfather.
Thanks so much for updating despite having a tough week! Can't wait for more! Sorry about your Grandfather.
7/21/2010 c7 your gaurdian angel
i really liked this chapter! the ending was so cute!
i wonder what will happen in the morning!
i really liked this chapter! the ending was so cute!
i wonder what will happen in the morning!
7/18/2010 c6 4Silvertwinkle
ah! I swear last night there was another chapter :P I went to bed , cause i planned on reading it in the morning,and now its gone :( But anyways, AWESOME story, love it and can't wait for more :D
4Silvertwinkleah! I swear last night there was another chapter :P I went to bed , cause i planned on reading it in the morning,and now its gone :( But anyways, AWESOME story, love it and can't wait for more :D