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5/2/2014 c1 1Zenthisoror
'only darkness walking the streets' - nice line, it's really atmospheric, and it works well with the line you have to finish with 'the sun (waking) up from its sleep'. It gives the sense of something that really needed to be seen, that a crime had taken place, and you get to the end and think, 'Darn you, damn, Sun! Couldn't you have woken up a wee bit earlier?'
Liked the Gothic imagery with the old school, the archways, the fountain and the angels, and on the whole plenty of mystery - I do want to know more about this mysterious razor-toothed blue-eyed devil-creature sitting on the angel.

Hmm, maybe sometimes you have a tendency to over-egg the pudding, such as, 'Bill speaking in a seductive tone'. It wasn't really necessary, because you already established the 'seductive'-ness through his actions and his words. Perhaps give a thought to how adding in these extra descriptive sections affect the pacing?

Anyhow, I enjoyed this - to be fair, I didn't especially like Bill, so it was rather satisfying to see him scared and meet his doom by the hands of this...thing. :)
2/25/2013 c1 2Sentimental RainCloud
I really love the suspense in the story.

Please continue!
4/5/2011 c1 1Splash Where Tear Drops
Wow, creepy...I love it! Few mistakes and those I feel obliged to tell you.

The boy grinned underneath of it[]and slowly began to trace his hands up the girl's stomach. - Space between "it" and "and".

Both angel{'}s were still shedding tears, rushing down their face non-stop. - it's plural, not possesion, so just "s".

What is that? she thought, narrowing her eyes towards the source of the noise. - Capital "S" in "she".

Very graphic *shudders* awesome!

Happy writing!

11/14/2010 c1 11berley
Cool starting to a story. It was original and a bit different from most of the stuff I’ve read so far. Your descriptions were good, but I found some of your lines were a little cliché. Like the one about how Miranda wouldn’t see her boyfriend alive again. It just kind of put a bit of a cheese factor into the story. I also think you could get a bit more gritty with the tone and some of your descriptions, but that is just my personal taste.

Over all, well done!
11/10/2010 c1 16Serendipitist Swan
I totally wish I had read this around Halloween, this is seriously creepy thanks to all the great description you used.

I'm tempted to say it's a bit cliche (I read the summary on your profile) but once you start reading the story you don't really notice because it's insanely well written.

Seriously, you can pull off practically anything with a writing style like this.

9/30/2010 c1 6A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Wow...that was intense! But it had all the characteristics of a great story - mystery, violence, passion. In some places the narration feels a little forced (e.g. last paragraph: two sentences start with then. Also, the first paragraph feels to 'linear' if you know what I mean).

But in the middle the descriptions of the dead body and the angel statue were really chilling and horrifying (that's good! You want your reader to be scared!). So I enjoyed this chapter, and I want to learn more about that 'dark figure'!
9/28/2010 c1 10Katerzzz

WOW! Is all I can say...creepy story! Very well written and different for you, which I think is nice, shows more depth. Anyway, I loved this piece, really really well written, great description and great characters.


The Angel Waiting at Hell's Gate has been updated if you'd like to take a look at that.
9/16/2010 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Wow this is seriously chilling. I like the small details, like the way he was so creeped out that he talked to himself, outloud. Major impression, there. Also, the way the beginning part was so romantic-types, and that the end was thrilling and creepy, excellent work!

I'd also like it if you would review any of my work(: Thanks!


9/1/2010 c1 SaberSonicDude
This had me gripped from the very beginning!

Very dark and creepy feel to it, and was most certainly a rich read. Keep it up!
8/31/2010 c1 28Robin Leigh
Woah. I like the contrast between the happy good night and the horrific death that followed. I just have a teeny question: Did you mean "slender figure at its chest. " or "slender finger"? Sorry. :"

Pretty cool. :) :D
8/29/2010 c1 10white wolf97
thanks! i think imma gonna have weird nightmares tonight! especially when you're listening to lion king music at the same time reading the third to last paragraph!

i'm officially scared.

but yeah, i mean it was really scary up till the point of the organs popping out of his chest, because then it just got kinda... how can i put this? too much. i mean, have you ever seen the movie, Drag Me to Hell, and how stupid that was? well the organ thing kinda over done it. lol.
8/2/2010 c1 29YasuRan
One mistake: 'The boy grinned underneath of itand...' doesn't sound quite right.

So far, seems like a creepy setting to me. I love supernatural stories that have a twist of horror somewhere in them so I'm looking forward to see how this will go. The gore at the scene when the old lady comes across Bill's corpse did come off as a bit excessive to me at least. Sometimes, the frightening element comes from the unseen and not the obvious.

Still, your story shows a lot of promise and I'm willing to be in it for the long haul :)
7/20/2010 c1 3naito-kun
'huge campus looked deserted' somehow i think that 'looked' here is unnecessary, just describing it as deserted would do.

'grinned underneath of itand' eh don't really get this sentence here.

'made the girl immediately blush' think 'made the girl blush immediately' would sound better here.

YES I LOVE HOW CREEPY, DARK AND GORY THIS STORY IS! gosh i wanna know who that dark figure is and i love how sadistic you made him. woohoo! (ahem ahem) anyway if you could, can you review my story 'falling in love is hard on the knees'? thanks!

AND AH I LIKE THE DARK FIGURE IS HE A PSYCHOPATH/SERIAL KILLER DEMON? (sorry err i take an, uhh, unnatural interest in such things. hahaha!)
7/15/2010 c1 31ByYourSide
Wow, this is really, really creepy.

Horror is definitely NOT my cup of tea (almost cried during a Freddy movie) so I'll just comment on the writing and all that, yeah? Good descriptions. I can definitely see it in my head. Definitely. (shudder) And it grossed me out, which meant you're doing something right, as far as horror goes.

It's a typical horror movie opening. Couple of teenagers. One goes off alone. Something awful happens. (covers eyes) You definitely have this craft perfected.

I hope some happy rainbows and unicorns emerge soon.
7/14/2010 c1 22lipleaf
Nicely done. This is a very dramatic way to start a story (which is a good thing, in this case). You capture the reader's attention right away. I like the intensity and mysterious air of Bill's death scene, with the shadowed figure and his words. You did a good job of "blowing up" the moment- taking something that easily could have been simple and making it extremely detailed. It's nice to do this with dramatic/action/important scenes. And you did it without dragging on for too long and losing the reader's attention.

You might want to consider taking out the line "It would be the last time Miranda would ever see her boyfriend. Alive, at least." It's not out of place or anything, but it's just too cliche. It's been used time and time again. It isn't unbearable, but it would be nice to leave it out.

(From the RH)
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