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7/14/2010 c1 7Eva Rieycoit
I thought the scene was a little gory, but it was definitely interesting and original! Great imagery as well! I look forward to reading more!
7/12/2010 c1 6Launo
"The boy grinned underneath of itand slowly began to trace his hands up the girl's stomach."

You're missing a space between it and and.

"The two were about to kiss one another again when they heard some footsteps from the end of the hallway."

Each other instead of one another.

Wow, it was scary (in a good way).

I especially liked how you described the woman's reactions upon seeing Bill dead.
7/11/2010 c1 3burlap
That was simply amazing. I loved the descriptions, especially how well you described Bill's mangled body. I really hope you update soon.

-Via the Roadhouse and Gossip Forum
6/27/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
Okay, first of all, I have to tell you that I love gory stories. :D I just can’t stand scary movies. :P

Secondly, I’ve read this before, and forgot to review it. Oops…


I thought that this was a very good first chapter… The descriptions were really good, and they didn’t drag on forever. You know when to add descriptions, and when not to, so that’s definitely a good thing. :D

I thought that the beginning part where Bill is saying goodbye to Miranda is pretty ironic to the part where he meets that killer. Not funny ironic, but ironic all the same.

“What do I want?... I want death.”

~Ooh. This’ll give me nightmares, for sure. :) I really loved the descriptions of the angels crying blood and the two guys in the fountain, no matter how terrible it is… I loved it. :P

The second half with the lady discovering Bill in the fountain, reminds me very much of “Angels and Demons.” :P That’s a good thing, though, because I love that book. :)

The ending is very curious… Is that killer going to strike another victim by luring them into an angel-crying-blood fountain?


Overall: Great first chapter. I really, really loved this. :D

Please update soon! (I believe I’ve reviewed everything of yours… :O)

~Avid, via Roadhouse. :) (2/2. :D)
6/24/2010 c1 Wounded-Petals
Well,I haven't read your other stories, so I don't know how this one would compare, but it certainly is interesting.

The beginning at first threw me for a loop since I didn't knwo what to expect right away, but whn it got to Bill dying, or whatever might have happened to him, it seemed to speed up and get that intriguing feeling in it.

This was very good, can't wait t see more.

6/23/2010 c1 6Snakefang
Yes, creepy. But totally cool!

There was one thing though

"that would be the last time she ever saw her boyfriend...etc" that a bit, you know.

If that was what you were going for that's fine but if not i think might want to come up with so ething more ominous and creative.
6/22/2010 c1 9Narq
Okay, I'm pretty picky with the first sentence, so please excuse me. Why would hte wind howling at night cause students to stir? Is there anything special about it? Give us the image of a typhoon or something, or of a magical sense in the wind that makes peole feel uneasy.

"the huge campus looked deserted" - 'looked' - tells me it isn't! So the "as if no life was ever there' seems redundant to me.

"They were treading.." just they were treading?

I noticed that in the first para, you use "(phrase) (comma) (phrase)" quite a lot. Might want to jiggle that a bit!

I think you don't need "the girl" before "the girl, Miranda" because there is only one girl. and there is only miranda. Therefore, the reader can conclude that miranda is the girl.

"It would be hte last time Miranda would eve see her boyfriend. Alive, at least" - eek! Scary! This isn't a horror story, is it? Hope I can sleep tonight! :(

"Calmly, Bill..." I don't think you need hte calmly there. You could show it in other ways such as the pacing of his feet, the swinging of his arms ect. The jingling of the keys is good, shows the casualness - note, the jingingling would be quite loud in the night, I'd think?

Urgh... scary scary bit at the end.

I think though, the way you said 'remains of Bill' made it a bit detached, like the elderly woman didn't know him at all - let alone knowing he was a excelled pupil and ect.

"Tears began to gush out of her eyes" - um... a bit wordy and a bit... melodramatic? Try some other way maybe?

That 'thing' is really really creeping me out hthough! Will he ever get caught?

6/22/2010 c1 9Experiment101
I love the creepyness factor this has oozing all through out! your writing style is always beautiful. :).
6/22/2010 c1 23Arastel
I found nothing wrong with this. No mistakes or anything. The discription is really good, I had problems getting out of it, and wished it didn't only have one chapter.
6/18/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Interesting opening.

You use 'two figures' in the first paragraph too often. You have already established that there are 'two figures' so you need to refer to them with a different approach.

grinned underneath /of itand/ - underneath it and

Both angel/'/s

I like the ace you build up, but in some parts it is repetitive. The whole dark and mysterious scenario was efficiently built up, but a few more descriptions about the campus would be nice (maybe in the upcoming chapters)

Good job.
6/17/2010 c1 JokiLoki
Intriguing beginning; I have to wonder where it will go from here. Shockingly darker than I initially expected, though that is not necessarily a bad thing. I will be looking forward to see where this goes and what the motivations and intentions of this mysterious shadowy character are, as well as his reasons for seeking death.
6/17/2010 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Nice opening chapter, it really built up the tension and made for a great scene. There were a few sentences you might want to look over, however; "walking the streets. Along with two dark figures." Maybe put a comma instead of a period, so it reads "streets, along with..." And I think I pointed this out with RFTA, but be careful when using 'then', it sometimes disturbs the flow. Anyway, a really captivating opening chapter and I look forward to seeing more.
6/16/2010 c1 Alice Novak
You've got some great imagery at work here!

Despite the bloodiness, I really like it!

However, I thought that the opening was not so good.

The words were a little strained.

Eg. ""Thanks for walking me over," One of the figures murmured, obviously a girl." - How is it obvious that the figure is a girl? A bystander would only know either from the shadow's silhouette, or by the voice. Either way, you should record that. So, you can change that to, ""Thanks for walking me over," one of the figures, a girl, murmured." By the way, "One" should not be capitalized!

Kk, still awesome! Keep Going!

Deli .x
6/16/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Really gripping first chapter here- it totally reminded me of a horror movie. It's a certain kind of beginning, one where the main characters aren't introduced but the main concept of the story is.

You definitely know how to dramatize a scene like this (nice touch with the angels, huh?), and it works to your advantage because so many interesting things are going on.

My only advice would be to not overdo it in future chapters. You don't need to use words like 'terrifying', 'horrifying', 'any-descriptors-of-blood' so much. The images you show us have much more effect. For example, I had a better image of Bill when you showed him stuttering, gaping, and clenching the edge of the pool until his knuckles turned white than I had when you just said he was terrified. With the images you're painting, the reader will not need to be reminded that he's terrified. You already have our attention.

Good job and good luck with this!
6/16/2010 c1 Rayne the writer
^^ happy summer break! This wasn't too bad to read, suspenceful yet interesting in my eyes. In a way the couple felt a bit to.. I don't know really movie-like to me, but it was very good don't get me wrong. =)

Now I like the statues of the angels and the killer is cool too. You did a good job on this and I look forward to more. I would ask you to review, but I'm currently working on my finals and my new series so it's going to take a bit before I post it ^^ I'll review Rise of the ashes after I post my series.

See you soon

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