for Reborn6/16/2010 c1 
39waitingforwhatever
Wow, this is so good. There were a few typos throughout, though. I really want to see where this is going, so please don't stop writing it.
39waitingforwhateverWow, this is so good. There were a few typos throughout, though. I really want to see where this is going, so please don't stop writing it.
6/16/2010 c1 3weary writer
Dante here with another review!
This is a little difficukt, considering I'm on my phone, so this review might be a little brief. But yeah, let's get down to it!
Alright, so I could see where this was going from the getgo. Its a classic horror staple. Couple are being all lovey dovey, then horny boyfriend gets his ass handed to him. It was rather nostalgic, to be honest, and you handled the scene very well without being too cliche about it.
The description involving the crying angels was unreal. It sort of made me cring, but I havea phobia of angel statues and murals anyways so yeah. Stil, amazing visual. A little repititious with the mention of water, though.
You do a good job of portraying dark, enigmatic characters. This guy sent chils running down my spine, I gotta say. You also have a lot of badass one liners in here, particularly the one about it wanting death.
All in all, damn good. Ill be following.
Keep it up, keep it coming
3weary writerDante here with another review!
This is a little difficukt, considering I'm on my phone, so this review might be a little brief. But yeah, let's get down to it!
Alright, so I could see where this was going from the getgo. Its a classic horror staple. Couple are being all lovey dovey, then horny boyfriend gets his ass handed to him. It was rather nostalgic, to be honest, and you handled the scene very well without being too cliche about it.
The description involving the crying angels was unreal. It sort of made me cring, but I havea phobia of angel statues and murals anyways so yeah. Stil, amazing visual. A little repititious with the mention of water, though.
You do a good job of portraying dark, enigmatic characters. This guy sent chils running down my spine, I gotta say. You also have a lot of badass one liners in here, particularly the one about it wanting death.
All in all, damn good. Ill be following.
Keep it up, keep it coming
6/16/2010 c1 TymCon
Oh im going to read and review rise from ashes as well but i saw the name Derek so i have to read thisXD
It won't be a good review though.
Nice. My cup of tea. Death, a religious aspect and a insane villian. Totally inhuman insane villian, can't really get into nsane human villians. Dont tknow why.
Oh im going to read and review rise from ashes as well but i saw the name Derek so i have to read thisXD
It won't be a good review though.
Nice. My cup of tea. Death, a religious aspect and a insane villian. Totally inhuman insane villian, can't really get into nsane human villians. Dont tknow why.
6/16/2010 c1 v-n-ll-y
The description was really well written here; you set the scene really well. It certainly was macabre, but I think you've done a good job with it so far. I can sense that this is going to turn into something huge; the foreshadowing was done very well too. The suspense you created before the break and right at the end of the chapter was very chilling. Good work so far :)
The description was really well written here; you set the scene really well. It certainly was macabre, but I think you've done a good job with it so far. I can sense that this is going to turn into something huge; the foreshadowing was done very well too. The suspense you created before the break and right at the end of the chapter was very chilling. Good work so far :)
6/15/2010 c1 this wild abyss
Wow...this was great, really. I liked that it was creepy and haunting. The descriptions were cool. And now I'm interested about the shadow character. Nicely done!
Wow...this was great, really. I liked that it was creepy and haunting. The descriptions were cool. And now I'm interested about the shadow character. Nicely done!
6/15/2010 c1 Fishphobia
Interesting concept, and what an exciting way to start a ghost story. Well, we don't really know if it's ghosts or anything but...you get my drift. :)
ANYWAYS I truly liked it, the imagery of Bill's arms wrapped around the angel is gruesome yet...maybe symbolic? Symbolic for his death or the innocence he possesed? Effective and well written!
And this sadomasochist dark figure is intriguing and terrifying like any good antagonist should be.
Great beginning and I'm looking foreward to reading more!
Interesting concept, and what an exciting way to start a ghost story. Well, we don't really know if it's ghosts or anything but...you get my drift. :)
ANYWAYS I truly liked it, the imagery of Bill's arms wrapped around the angel is gruesome yet...maybe symbolic? Symbolic for his death or the innocence he possesed? Effective and well written!
And this sadomasochist dark figure is intriguing and terrifying like any good antagonist should be.
Great beginning and I'm looking foreward to reading more!
6/15/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
First the good ones...
the concept is really good...sounds creepy stuff..nice supernatural theme...dialogs were nice and neat..pace was good and you ended it well...a neat first chapter...
Now for the bad ones,
there is much repetition...The campus looked dead, as if there was no life...somewhat awkward...you could say like..the campus looked deserted..
All of the lights...all the lights
All the lights were out,only darkness walking the streets...if all lights were out, it makes sense that the campus was dark..
Along with the two dark figures...hm...you could probably combine these two sentences..
Two dark figures walked along the main hallway that led to the rotunda in front of the school,stripped of all its lights. OR something better...less awkward..
They went past the water fountain...well you shud tell that there is water fountain before this sentence..where it is, on the sides or whehter the main hallway curved around it or not, two angels...you could have described atleast some of it's features..i mean angels are different...not just the stereotypical ones. you cud ve described the entrance to the girl's dormitories better...i found them a little awkward...you repeat archways...somewhat irritable to a reader..repetition is too much in this chapter...edit these..
Okies the dialog part was neat..
footsteps and padding...means same almost...His footfalls were soft as he sped down the stony stairs.
Finally he reached the bottom..everyone reaches the bottom sometimes..omit finally..use after...After reaching the bottom of the stairwell, he headed back towards the fountain.
again all the lights..
again the same thing..headed and walked towards same thing
Calmly, Bill walked across the walkway towards the fountain. His hands were in his pockets, eyes gazing at the dormitory and a smirk spread across his lips. He reached the water fountain, walking past it without interest. well you could make this a bit simpler...[edit]
the next part was creepy...but had your word formations been proper it wud ve been more creepier...i like the theme in this one...but i hope you will make it more creepy...i love such things...
just that the words shud give an effect if u want to make it like some terror / horror stuff..and horror stuff is actually the toughest stuff to write..
He was too frightened...He was short of words; his heart beat heavily.
anyways nice names you got there..
now this chapter is good..but then it requires a little bit of polishing...the theme is good..you have done a great work and hope to see you write more...but it is too early now to judge from the first chapter whether it will be as interesting as RFTA...but this does sound good...keep writing :)
10VroooommmmmmFirst the good ones...
the concept is really good...sounds creepy stuff..nice supernatural theme...dialogs were nice and neat..pace was good and you ended it well...a neat first chapter...
Now for the bad ones,
there is much repetition...The campus looked dead, as if there was no life...somewhat awkward...you could say like..the campus looked deserted..
All of the lights...all the lights
All the lights were out,only darkness walking the streets...if all lights were out, it makes sense that the campus was dark..
Along with the two dark figures...hm...you could probably combine these two sentences..
Two dark figures walked along the main hallway that led to the rotunda in front of the school,stripped of all its lights. OR something better...less awkward..
They went past the water fountain...well you shud tell that there is water fountain before this sentence..where it is, on the sides or whehter the main hallway curved around it or not, two angels...you could have described atleast some of it's features..i mean angels are different...not just the stereotypical ones. you cud ve described the entrance to the girl's dormitories better...i found them a little awkward...you repeat archways...somewhat irritable to a reader..repetition is too much in this chapter...edit these..
Okies the dialog part was neat..
footsteps and padding...means same almost...His footfalls were soft as he sped down the stony stairs.
Finally he reached the bottom..everyone reaches the bottom sometimes..omit finally..use after...After reaching the bottom of the stairwell, he headed back towards the fountain.
again all the lights..
again the same thing..headed and walked towards same thing
Calmly, Bill walked across the walkway towards the fountain. His hands were in his pockets, eyes gazing at the dormitory and a smirk spread across his lips. He reached the water fountain, walking past it without interest. well you could make this a bit simpler...[edit]
the next part was creepy...but had your word formations been proper it wud ve been more creepier...i like the theme in this one...but i hope you will make it more creepy...i love such things...
just that the words shud give an effect if u want to make it like some terror / horror stuff..and horror stuff is actually the toughest stuff to write..
He was too frightened...He was short of words; his heart beat heavily.
anyways nice names you got there..
now this chapter is good..but then it requires a little bit of polishing...the theme is good..you have done a great work and hope to see you write more...but it is too early now to judge from the first chapter whether it will be as interesting as RFTA...but this does sound good...keep writing :)