for Damnation11/27/2011 c1 
4lookingwest
Welp, I have one more return left so I thought I'd just do what was up next that I haven't reviewed yet, XD. I know you probably aren't working on this currently since it's been here awhile but I'll just provide some comments...
I like the concept of this and where the story starts. For a first chapter it's pretty solid. Enjoyed the first paragraph because that got me right into the story too. I think this is a lot different than Words, Bite, and Dreamer, so I had fun seeing the difference in your style while following Matthew. I almost feel like this was a bit of a predecessor to The Dreamer-I can see some of the same themes you use, like this concept of something that contracts another-like David works for Jonathan (in a sense, anyway). Or there being something bigger than the main character too.
Thought the cab scene was priceless, no pun intended. You did a great job with their dialogue and made the relationship convincing, plus the ending to that scene was perfect. I was wondering if he was lying or not when he said he's pay double, so I guess the cab driver learns his lesson and Matthew won't be able to play that card again, haha!
Like the mystery of the ending and what's going to happen next. In that sense, I think your ending achieved a first-chapter grab wonderfully and it does make me want to read a bit more to find out what happens too. I like that the "demon" or the contractor is a woman, too. I wasn't expecting that and I think things really get mixed up there, it adds a lot more mystery!
Overall, great first chapter, even if you never return to this story seriously, I think this was a good start and I liked looking for ways it might speak to The Dreamer too, or compliment it, in a way as well.
4lookingwestWelp, I have one more return left so I thought I'd just do what was up next that I haven't reviewed yet, XD. I know you probably aren't working on this currently since it's been here awhile but I'll just provide some comments...
I like the concept of this and where the story starts. For a first chapter it's pretty solid. Enjoyed the first paragraph because that got me right into the story too. I think this is a lot different than Words, Bite, and Dreamer, so I had fun seeing the difference in your style while following Matthew. I almost feel like this was a bit of a predecessor to The Dreamer-I can see some of the same themes you use, like this concept of something that contracts another-like David works for Jonathan (in a sense, anyway). Or there being something bigger than the main character too.
Thought the cab scene was priceless, no pun intended. You did a great job with their dialogue and made the relationship convincing, plus the ending to that scene was perfect. I was wondering if he was lying or not when he said he's pay double, so I guess the cab driver learns his lesson and Matthew won't be able to play that card again, haha!
Like the mystery of the ending and what's going to happen next. In that sense, I think your ending achieved a first-chapter grab wonderfully and it does make me want to read a bit more to find out what happens too. I like that the "demon" or the contractor is a woman, too. I wasn't expecting that and I think things really get mixed up there, it adds a lot more mystery!
Overall, great first chapter, even if you never return to this story seriously, I think this was a good start and I liked looking for ways it might speak to The Dreamer too, or compliment it, in a way as well.
10/25/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Haha, I know it's been awhile since you've probably worked on this, but I couldn't resist when I saw the summary. Anything with demons really nabs my attention, and I love how this chapter started with Matthew waking up all hungover and feeling like shit. I think you address the horrors of hangovers rather nicely in the beginning here - I'm sure most people can relate to this feeling, regardless of age. xD And that nasty cut on his hand makes me think of some kind of blood-pact, especially after reading the summary of the story. A very nice, ominous prelude to what happens at the end of the chapter.
Do I need to tell you how much I love Matthew's character? He's such an asshole, and sarcastic to a fault - why do I always fall in love with characters like that? xD And you always do such a great job writing from their point of views. The way he just kinda sits up after waking up on the streets, acting like it's no big deal and it happens all the time, to the way he treats the taxi driver were all absolutely great. And I think even the Taxi driver can't help but find the guy funny, what with how he chuckles when Matthew pays him half the toll instead of double like he promised. I'm wondering if there's some deeper relationship between the two of them, considering the taxi driver recognized him and was addressing him by his last name. Maybe this isn't the first time he's had to drive his drunk ass home.
Liked the comment about him not getting sick and throwing up all over the guy's back seat. Makes me think of how crazy taxi drivers are when they drive - I've been in that situation before.
Oh ew, that description of the water and his apartment is disgusting, haha. It really says a lot about his personality - I get that whole 'I don't give a fuck' attitude from him, also in regards to his life as a whole, too. Matthew definitely doesn't seem like the type to worry about making something out of himself, and I can see him being a great anti-hero. He definitely has the whole demon hunter attitude down - has 'bad ass motherfucker' written all over him.
Oh cool, a female demon, huh? That fits so well. I can't see a male demon being able to boss someone like Matthew around, and it's a unique twist since normally these types of deals are made with a male demon (at least from what I've seen). Really like the descriptions of her, how she's curvy and has long hair and black fingernails. Her name 'Jezebeth' is really cool, too. Makes me think of Beelzebub for some reason.
Now we get to see how Matthew reacts to women seeing him while he's half naked. Either he'll get all pissed off and try to cover himself, or he'll just stand there and put his hands on his hips with a whole 'you like what you see, yes?' look on his face. I'm betting more on the latter of the two. xD
I know it's been over a year since you've posted this, but I hope you decide to go back to it in the future - I'll definitely be there to read it! :3
5Dr. Self DestructHaha, I know it's been awhile since you've probably worked on this, but I couldn't resist when I saw the summary. Anything with demons really nabs my attention, and I love how this chapter started with Matthew waking up all hungover and feeling like shit. I think you address the horrors of hangovers rather nicely in the beginning here - I'm sure most people can relate to this feeling, regardless of age. xD And that nasty cut on his hand makes me think of some kind of blood-pact, especially after reading the summary of the story. A very nice, ominous prelude to what happens at the end of the chapter.
Do I need to tell you how much I love Matthew's character? He's such an asshole, and sarcastic to a fault - why do I always fall in love with characters like that? xD And you always do such a great job writing from their point of views. The way he just kinda sits up after waking up on the streets, acting like it's no big deal and it happens all the time, to the way he treats the taxi driver were all absolutely great. And I think even the Taxi driver can't help but find the guy funny, what with how he chuckles when Matthew pays him half the toll instead of double like he promised. I'm wondering if there's some deeper relationship between the two of them, considering the taxi driver recognized him and was addressing him by his last name. Maybe this isn't the first time he's had to drive his drunk ass home.
Liked the comment about him not getting sick and throwing up all over the guy's back seat. Makes me think of how crazy taxi drivers are when they drive - I've been in that situation before.
Oh ew, that description of the water and his apartment is disgusting, haha. It really says a lot about his personality - I get that whole 'I don't give a fuck' attitude from him, also in regards to his life as a whole, too. Matthew definitely doesn't seem like the type to worry about making something out of himself, and I can see him being a great anti-hero. He definitely has the whole demon hunter attitude down - has 'bad ass motherfucker' written all over him.
Oh cool, a female demon, huh? That fits so well. I can't see a male demon being able to boss someone like Matthew around, and it's a unique twist since normally these types of deals are made with a male demon (at least from what I've seen). Really like the descriptions of her, how she's curvy and has long hair and black fingernails. Her name 'Jezebeth' is really cool, too. Makes me think of Beelzebub for some reason.
Now we get to see how Matthew reacts to women seeing him while he's half naked. Either he'll get all pissed off and try to cover himself, or he'll just stand there and put his hands on his hips with a whole 'you like what you see, yes?' look on his face. I'm betting more on the latter of the two. xD
I know it's been over a year since you've posted this, but I hope you decide to go back to it in the future - I'll definitely be there to read it! :3
12/22/2010 c1 11MentalBrink
This is a story I am willing to follow! The theme is original (as far as I know) and intresting. The other reviews pretty much sum up what I have to say and I only have two dislikes:
1) I would like for you to lengthen key parts just a little more; really set the tone or whatever. But what you have is fine if you wish to have a fast paste read. I have to say, your transitions from scene to scene are excellent.
2) Your scenes (and characters) need a little more emphasis via description. Try using colors or the use of any of the five senses to casually describe what a reader would sense if he/she were there in person or were the main character. I feel I have to invent these on the spot as I read, which isn't something particually appealing.
Just a wee bit of critisism, please don't take it to heart! I understand how negatives in a review can tarnish a writer's motovation; I've been there.
Overall, awesome story! I have subscribed to it.
(on the side, I wish to thank you personally for your attribute to "Voice Your Opinion")
Keep it classy :P
-Taylor
11MentalBrinkThis is a story I am willing to follow! The theme is original (as far as I know) and intresting. The other reviews pretty much sum up what I have to say and I only have two dislikes:
1) I would like for you to lengthen key parts just a little more; really set the tone or whatever. But what you have is fine if you wish to have a fast paste read. I have to say, your transitions from scene to scene are excellent.
2) Your scenes (and characters) need a little more emphasis via description. Try using colors or the use of any of the five senses to casually describe what a reader would sense if he/she were there in person or were the main character. I feel I have to invent these on the spot as I read, which isn't something particually appealing.
Just a wee bit of critisism, please don't take it to heart! I understand how negatives in a review can tarnish a writer's motovation; I've been there.
Overall, awesome story! I have subscribed to it.
(on the side, I wish to thank you personally for your attribute to "Voice Your Opinion")
Keep it classy :P
-Taylor
6/25/2010 c1 12lianoid
Super excited for this one!
Excellent first paragraph. Your descriptions were perfect and I really felt like I was the one waking up in pain.
...so he did not immediately catch on as to how deeply mired in shit he really was.
-lmao. This was a great line.
I love the taxi driver’s first like “I know you, St. Laurent.” It just sounded so classic. I don’t know, it was just perfect.
What an asshole, indeed. Ha-ha. That was a great little scene there, with him turning around and St. Laurent being gone. And then you follow it up with him walking into his apartment with the smell of his “personal potpourri.” Oh man, this is too hilarious. Your writing is just too good. You have a very subtle humour to some of your pieces that I really enjoy.
He scrubbed the grime off of his face...
-Personal: Not a major thing, but just thought I’d point it out. The last word in the previous sentence is ‘face’, perhaps consider changing ‘face’ in this sentence to something more specific, like cheeks or chin, or something.
I love her entrance. It was so smooth and sexy. I also really like the way you described her voice being like the purr of a cat. Your descriptions were clever and as solid as ever, and the tone, pacing and dialogue were all perfect. I have no complains, really. I thought that was described really well. I must say I’m quite happy with what you’ve got so far. I voted for this one so I was terribly excited when I saw that you were going to write this piece. I think this is an excellent start and I can’t wait to see where you take it.
12lianoidSuper excited for this one!
Excellent first paragraph. Your descriptions were perfect and I really felt like I was the one waking up in pain.
...so he did not immediately catch on as to how deeply mired in shit he really was.
-lmao. This was a great line.
I love the taxi driver’s first like “I know you, St. Laurent.” It just sounded so classic. I don’t know, it was just perfect.
What an asshole, indeed. Ha-ha. That was a great little scene there, with him turning around and St. Laurent being gone. And then you follow it up with him walking into his apartment with the smell of his “personal potpourri.” Oh man, this is too hilarious. Your writing is just too good. You have a very subtle humour to some of your pieces that I really enjoy.
He scrubbed the grime off of his face...
-Personal: Not a major thing, but just thought I’d point it out. The last word in the previous sentence is ‘face’, perhaps consider changing ‘face’ in this sentence to something more specific, like cheeks or chin, or something.
I love her entrance. It was so smooth and sexy. I also really like the way you described her voice being like the purr of a cat. Your descriptions were clever and as solid as ever, and the tone, pacing and dialogue were all perfect. I have no complains, really. I thought that was described really well. I must say I’m quite happy with what you’ve got so far. I voted for this one so I was terribly excited when I saw that you were going to write this piece. I think this is an excellent start and I can’t wait to see where you take it.
6/21/2010 c1 9Narq
The start of this took my breath away. It was very well written and drew my attention in fast.
Hm! I love it how you just launched the reader straight in the life of your characters - starting somewhere in the middle of it, not at the beginning. The dialogue/bit about the driver and St. Laurent really showed a lot about our main character!
"All that would accomplish is making a mess out of your car" - lol! Trust him to think of THAT! I am starting to warm very quickly to Matthew. A good sign - so early in the story, too!
"I made it the whole way without getting sick. do I get a prize?"LOVe this! But I'm thinking whether you should say how he said this, or at least how he's feeling when he says this.
Lol! he paid HALF! Well... I guess the driver can be grateful that Matthew paid AT ALL! XD
pe-ew! Have you been reading Perfume? You sure did the smell really well there!
Hm~ Jezebeth... sorry, but I'm just back from a English exam and I've been studying the Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood and there's a place called Jezebel's. Yeah, makes a link. So with Jezebeth and Jezebel has got similiar traits... ooh~ I sure am intruged in what you're launching me into!
Update please!
Narq.
9NarqThe start of this took my breath away. It was very well written and drew my attention in fast.
Hm! I love it how you just launched the reader straight in the life of your characters - starting somewhere in the middle of it, not at the beginning. The dialogue/bit about the driver and St. Laurent really showed a lot about our main character!
"All that would accomplish is making a mess out of your car" - lol! Trust him to think of THAT! I am starting to warm very quickly to Matthew. A good sign - so early in the story, too!
"I made it the whole way without getting sick. do I get a prize?"LOVe this! But I'm thinking whether you should say how he said this, or at least how he's feeling when he says this.
Lol! he paid HALF! Well... I guess the driver can be grateful that Matthew paid AT ALL! XD
pe-ew! Have you been reading Perfume? You sure did the smell really well there!
Hm~ Jezebeth... sorry, but I'm just back from a English exam and I've been studying the Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood and there's a place called Jezebel's. Yeah, makes a link. So with Jezebeth and Jezebel has got similiar traits... ooh~ I sure am intruged in what you're launching me into!
Update please!
Narq.
6/20/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Very interesting concept!
I like the thought of it immediately. The first chapter draws one in.
The establishment of Matthew as the principal character was stellar. I like the way he is described - crude, imperfect and hell-may-care attitude (ah, pardon the pun! :D)
The first paragraph is filled with verbs and imagery that suggests violence in a not-so-subtle way.
Will be waiting for more.
6MeAsIAmVery interesting concept!
I like the thought of it immediately. The first chapter draws one in.
The establishment of Matthew as the principal character was stellar. I like the way he is described - crude, imperfect and hell-may-care attitude (ah, pardon the pun! :D)
The first paragraph is filled with verbs and imagery that suggests violence in a not-so-subtle way.
Will be waiting for more.
6/19/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from the Roadhouse!
Holy cow- I'm a little surprised of how the first paragraph of your chapter reminded me so much of the second chapter I have written (and yet to publish) for my story Nowhere. Just.. wow. Guess great minds think a like haha.
I liked how you introduced the main character here- he is imperfect, has a sense of humor, and lives a life that many party-people could relate to and what the shy kids could only fantasize about. I find that the most difficult thing in the world about writing stories is to write them in the 3rd person lol. I tend to say "he" a lot... as in the very first word of every sentence lol, but I liked how you formatted yours. As the third person, I think the only thing you might have missed (or maybe you are reserving it for later?) is the main characters physical appearance. As of now, I have no clue on what he looks like. I have a picture of a faceless drunk in my head lol.
I thought that the chapter was famously written. However, for my personal taste, I thought things happened a little too swiftly with the devil's deal. I know what is going to happen since you had explained it in the summary. I also liked how you gave us a glimpse of what the main character is like. I just thought that I didn't get to know him in a personal level in order to sympathize with the character. As I said before, it's probably just me haha. I like to get to know the character well before I see things go south. Overall, I thought you did a good job.
Now, for the things you can tweak (you're better than this than I am so I apologize if I make errors too XD:
-The day was rotten [from] the very start. Perhaps he should have known that something was wrong [from] the moment he woke up;- I thought you could have chosen one or the other. Having them both is a little repetitive for me. And repeating the word "from" in the same sentence kind of bugged me (I don't know why XD)
-..butted heads with hell the night before- I know the foreshadowing you're trying to accomplish, but I thought it was alittle forced when you said "hell" in there. I don't really get what he means when he said that, but something bad that I am sure of lol. Maybe adjusting it a litle more?
-... the sunlight knifed his eyes mercilessly- maybe knifed is the wrong verb? It felt wrong when I read it- maybe it is just me? Maybe "stabbed" is more appropriate? or "burned" ?
Everything else read okay to me. Overall, you did famously :)
Hope you enjoyed this review! Hoping to hear from you soon!
=Agent
Here from the Roadhouse!
Holy cow- I'm a little surprised of how the first paragraph of your chapter reminded me so much of the second chapter I have written (and yet to publish) for my story Nowhere. Just.. wow. Guess great minds think a like haha.
I liked how you introduced the main character here- he is imperfect, has a sense of humor, and lives a life that many party-people could relate to and what the shy kids could only fantasize about. I find that the most difficult thing in the world about writing stories is to write them in the 3rd person lol. I tend to say "he" a lot... as in the very first word of every sentence lol, but I liked how you formatted yours. As the third person, I think the only thing you might have missed (or maybe you are reserving it for later?) is the main characters physical appearance. As of now, I have no clue on what he looks like. I have a picture of a faceless drunk in my head lol.
I thought that the chapter was famously written. However, for my personal taste, I thought things happened a little too swiftly with the devil's deal. I know what is going to happen since you had explained it in the summary. I also liked how you gave us a glimpse of what the main character is like. I just thought that I didn't get to know him in a personal level in order to sympathize with the character. As I said before, it's probably just me haha. I like to get to know the character well before I see things go south. Overall, I thought you did a good job.
Now, for the things you can tweak (you're better than this than I am so I apologize if I make errors too XD:
-The day was rotten [from] the very start. Perhaps he should have known that something was wrong [from] the moment he woke up;- I thought you could have chosen one or the other. Having them both is a little repetitive for me. And repeating the word "from" in the same sentence kind of bugged me (I don't know why XD)
-..butted heads with hell the night before- I know the foreshadowing you're trying to accomplish, but I thought it was alittle forced when you said "hell" in there. I don't really get what he means when he said that, but something bad that I am sure of lol. Maybe adjusting it a litle more?
-... the sunlight knifed his eyes mercilessly- maybe knifed is the wrong verb? It felt wrong when I read it- maybe it is just me? Maybe "stabbed" is more appropriate? or "burned" ?
Everything else read okay to me. Overall, you did famously :)
Hope you enjoyed this review! Hoping to hear from you soon!
=Agent
6/18/2010 c1 TymCon
)Cackles madly)
I have no idea why i just put down cackled madly, seemed apropriate since i haven't reviewed you in a while.
"butted heads with hell the night before.", love that word choice. I always wondered about this. Shouldn't hell be capatalized? I have no clue i'm just curious.
"Despite himself, the driver couldn't help but chuckle. "What an asshole.", my freind is exactly like Laurent in that regard. He does the most crazy borderline mean stuff but people take it lightly. I didn't really explain it well but anyway.
Well this story's a clincher for me. Demons, contract and a likeable main character. Woho!
Yor description is nice, your characters are nice for an introductory chapter and your dialogues preety good.
Quick question why's he called St.Laurnet?
Repay to Eden? Question mark becuase i don't think this review was good.
)Cackles madly)
I have no idea why i just put down cackled madly, seemed apropriate since i haven't reviewed you in a while.
"butted heads with hell the night before.", love that word choice. I always wondered about this. Shouldn't hell be capatalized? I have no clue i'm just curious.
"Despite himself, the driver couldn't help but chuckle. "What an asshole.", my freind is exactly like Laurent in that regard. He does the most crazy borderline mean stuff but people take it lightly. I didn't really explain it well but anyway.
Well this story's a clincher for me. Demons, contract and a likeable main character. Woho!
Yor description is nice, your characters are nice for an introductory chapter and your dialogues preety good.
Quick question why's he called St.Laurnet?
Repay to Eden? Question mark becuase i don't think this review was good.
6/17/2010 c1 Fishphobia
I'm definately intrigued! Matthew already is so loveable in that sort of laid back bad boy kind of way. Squee :) He's cute.
Grammatically I didn't catch anything and honestly this is one of most well written prologues I've seen here on FP. It's compelling, funny, and the descriptions not over the top.
Excellent work, can't wait to read more! :D
I'm definately intrigued! Matthew already is so loveable in that sort of laid back bad boy kind of way. Squee :) He's cute.
Grammatically I didn't catch anything and honestly this is one of most well written prologues I've seen here on FP. It's compelling, funny, and the descriptions not over the top.
Excellent work, can't wait to read more! :D
6/17/2010 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting. Very interesting.
Matthew, from the start, is a great character; he's believable, realistic and messed up, and all of that is made clear right away. The scene between him and the taxi driver was great, the dialogue flowed well and everything in here was described nicely. The ending made me grin; people do stupid things when drunk, but this sounds like a very interesting drunken-stupid-thing. I look forward to seeing more.
99Dreamers-RequiemInteresting. Very interesting.
Matthew, from the start, is a great character; he's believable, realistic and messed up, and all of that is made clear right away. The scene between him and the taxi driver was great, the dialogue flowed well and everything in here was described nicely. The ending made me grin; people do stupid things when drunk, but this sounds like a very interesting drunken-stupid-thing. I look forward to seeing more.
6/16/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
This was some entertaining stuff, man.
First, I think your writing style works perfectly with this type of story. I instantly got that gritty, slice of life feel, but with a demonic twist thrown in. The descriptions you use work perfectly. I especially liked when you were describing Matthew's apartment. The little details you threw in ('less identifiable things', saying a prayer before opening the fridge, paying the cab driver half instead of double) gave the story and character a personality.
...and the demon is a hot chick? I expect chaos will ensue. XD
Good job, and I hope you continue this!
21Sercus KaynineThis was some entertaining stuff, man.
First, I think your writing style works perfectly with this type of story. I instantly got that gritty, slice of life feel, but with a demonic twist thrown in. The descriptions you use work perfectly. I especially liked when you were describing Matthew's apartment. The little details you threw in ('less identifiable things', saying a prayer before opening the fridge, paying the cab driver half instead of double) gave the story and character a personality.
...and the demon is a hot chick? I expect chaos will ensue. XD
Good job, and I hope you continue this!
6/16/2010 c1 16Creeping Collarbones
I liked the first paragraph with the descriptions. It was a nice beginning.
I loved tho whole taxy scene. THe dialogue was really great. And I liked how Matthew called the driver 'old man'. It was a nice add of characterization.
I really liked the start of this and I like how you write. The third person point of view is really nice and I like the subtle humour.
I'll be reading more!
16Creeping CollarbonesI liked the first paragraph with the descriptions. It was a nice beginning.
I loved tho whole taxy scene. THe dialogue was really great. And I liked how Matthew called the driver 'old man'. It was a nice add of characterization.
I really liked the start of this and I like how you write. The third person point of view is really nice and I like the subtle humour.
I'll be reading more!
6/16/2010 c1 39waitingforwhatever
Really great start. I have so many questions about Matthew, and how he became the way he is, and of course I'm wondering how that contract was made. This looks like it'll make a really good story.
39waitingforwhateverReally great start. I have so many questions about Matthew, and how he became the way he is, and of course I'm wondering how that contract was made. This looks like it'll make a really good story.
6/16/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
This reminds me of ghost rider. REMINDS me of it, but this is clearly going to be very unique and different! :D.
Anywho, I really liked how you described Matthew's pain in the beginning. You used really good vocabulary and the dialogue between him and taxi driver was realistic. I've got to say, though, Matthew seems like a jerk, but after being THAT 'hungover' I really can't blame him!
And ohh, this Jezebeth girl sounds seductive, dark and compelling. :). Keep up the fabulous work!
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidThis reminds me of ghost rider. REMINDS me of it, but this is clearly going to be very unique and different! :D.
Anywho, I really liked how you described Matthew's pain in the beginning. You used really good vocabulary and the dialogue between him and taxi driver was realistic. I've got to say, though, Matthew seems like a jerk, but after being THAT 'hungover' I really can't blame him!
And ohh, this Jezebeth girl sounds seductive, dark and compelling. :). Keep up the fabulous work!
~B. Cross