for Cyn: Black Goddess7/7/2010 c1 
12PapaMike
A very strong start, I am looking forward to see what else happens.
I particularly liked the part about Love, where the writing style changed to fit in with what appears to be his simplistic world view.
Only one actual crit, and that's:
"It's like a fairy tale story,"
It's a lovely image, linking him in with the idea of legends which you touch on earlier, however it's a bit tautologous to 'say tale story', they both mean the same thing, and one or the other will do.
12PapaMikeA very strong start, I am looking forward to see what else happens.
I particularly liked the part about Love, where the writing style changed to fit in with what appears to be his simplistic world view.
Only one actual crit, and that's:
"It's like a fairy tale story,"
It's a lovely image, linking him in with the idea of legends which you touch on earlier, however it's a bit tautologous to 'say tale story', they both mean the same thing, and one or the other will do.
7/7/2010 c1 4Ghosts
The start I'm a bit mixed on. You say "our raven haired beauty" and it sounds like I'm watching an episode of pokemon, and you're the narrator. This can be good if you're following a positive toned story, but you seem to be looking for a bit of a darker thing, so this may be a weierder chose of words.
I like the description here. Cooking like a lobster in comparison to taking a bath, greast use of metaphors.
Correction: "sitting on the table farther from the tub"
should be further from the tub, not farther.
Lightning crcked, more great description.Somethigns weird, though it might not be incorrect, about this:
"Go away
She thought..."
They're two seperate pragraphs, but what seems more correct is "'Go away', she selfishly thought..." all in the same paragraph. Just a thought.
correction: "Cyn?' if she did not respond..."
if needs to be capatilized.
"ravenous waters of her porcelain tub" More AMAZING DESCRIPTION. If your grammar and spelling was a bit better this would probably be better. I won't do this through the whole chapter, but you do have really good description. Some things are worded a bit weird, and I think if you just thorouhly read over everything you write two or three times that you'll have this down in gold ink.
The story itself is okay, what makes it great is your writing. Though I am pretty interested, fantasy is something overdone quite a bit on fictionpress, so if you want to write one you have to make sure it escapes the general, something that makes it different. This is a good way to start that.
4GhostsThe start I'm a bit mixed on. You say "our raven haired beauty" and it sounds like I'm watching an episode of pokemon, and you're the narrator. This can be good if you're following a positive toned story, but you seem to be looking for a bit of a darker thing, so this may be a weierder chose of words.
I like the description here. Cooking like a lobster in comparison to taking a bath, greast use of metaphors.
Correction: "sitting on the table farther from the tub"
should be further from the tub, not farther.
Lightning crcked, more great description.Somethigns weird, though it might not be incorrect, about this:
"Go away
She thought..."
They're two seperate pragraphs, but what seems more correct is "'Go away', she selfishly thought..." all in the same paragraph. Just a thought.
correction: "Cyn?' if she did not respond..."
if needs to be capatilized.
"ravenous waters of her porcelain tub" More AMAZING DESCRIPTION. If your grammar and spelling was a bit better this would probably be better. I won't do this through the whole chapter, but you do have really good description. Some things are worded a bit weird, and I think if you just thorouhly read over everything you write two or three times that you'll have this down in gold ink.
The story itself is okay, what makes it great is your writing. Though I am pretty interested, fantasy is something overdone quite a bit on fictionpress, so if you want to write one you have to make sure it escapes the general, something that makes it different. This is a good way to start that.
7/4/2010 c1 45deefective
Hm. Well, the opening line was a bit too abrupt. I get that you were trying to set a scene but with what you were going for it was too short. Also, the line after instead of "Our" you might want to make it "The". "Our" makes it sound almost like a comic book and she's supposed to be the hero or something. I liked your descriptions because they were rather complete and to the point but some didn't make much sense. For example:
"She was more sweaty than comfortable, but wanted nothing more than a relaxing night away from her peers."
You mentioned the water was so hot it turned her skin bright red and she apparently "burned herself like a lobster", then wouldn't it make sense that she would not be comfortable? And maybe a bit more than sweaty?
Also,
"She was not one to challenge, she had grown to her power by taking it."
I'm guessing you mean challenge by confrontation? How would she take power without challenging/confronting?
Ooh, mama. You might need a bit of help with the technicalities like punctuation. You have a lot of run on sentences and commas and full stops in the wrong places. Also, maybe re-check your spelling and grammar before posting.
"She put [slander] fingers to her rose colored lips to lessen the quivering."
Should be [slender].
That's just one a few I spotted. Overall, an interesting little story. I get that you were trying to set the scene and everything and your descriptions were pretty good but I'm not seeing any real motivation for your plot here. She wants to start a war of three hundred pounds of gold that she can afford to pay? Unless she's crazy (which if she is, you didn't really show), that in itself doesn't make much sense. But other than that, nicely done.
45deefectiveHm. Well, the opening line was a bit too abrupt. I get that you were trying to set a scene but with what you were going for it was too short. Also, the line after instead of "Our" you might want to make it "The". "Our" makes it sound almost like a comic book and she's supposed to be the hero or something. I liked your descriptions because they were rather complete and to the point but some didn't make much sense. For example:
"She was more sweaty than comfortable, but wanted nothing more than a relaxing night away from her peers."
You mentioned the water was so hot it turned her skin bright red and she apparently "burned herself like a lobster", then wouldn't it make sense that she would not be comfortable? And maybe a bit more than sweaty?
Also,
"She was not one to challenge, she had grown to her power by taking it."
I'm guessing you mean challenge by confrontation? How would she take power without challenging/confronting?
Ooh, mama. You might need a bit of help with the technicalities like punctuation. You have a lot of run on sentences and commas and full stops in the wrong places. Also, maybe re-check your spelling and grammar before posting.
"She put [slander] fingers to her rose colored lips to lessen the quivering."
Should be [slender].
That's just one a few I spotted. Overall, an interesting little story. I get that you were trying to set the scene and everything and your descriptions were pretty good but I'm not seeing any real motivation for your plot here. She wants to start a war of three hundred pounds of gold that she can afford to pay? Unless she's crazy (which if she is, you didn't really show), that in itself doesn't make much sense. But other than that, nicely done.
7/4/2010 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting opening, and great hook thrown in to keep the reader wanting to see more.
I don't know how I feel about the use of 'our', it seems a bit out of place among the use of third person. Maybe that's just me though.
You might want to vary the sentence starts a bit; a lot seem to start with 'she', which can get quite repetitive.
-"Cyn?" - take out the exlamation mark. You only need the question mark there.
-"Anger coursed through her veins as her beloved had become a prisoner of war," Take out the 'as', might make it flow a bit better.
-"his knuckles were knotted," I think you need a full stop there.
The last three paragraphs all start with 'she', again, you might want to replace that with her name, maybe?
99Dreamers-RequiemInteresting opening, and great hook thrown in to keep the reader wanting to see more.
I don't know how I feel about the use of 'our', it seems a bit out of place among the use of third person. Maybe that's just me though.
You might want to vary the sentence starts a bit; a lot seem to start with 'she', which can get quite repetitive.
-"Cyn?" - take out the exlamation mark. You only need the question mark there.
-"Anger coursed through her veins as her beloved had become a prisoner of war," Take out the 'as', might make it flow a bit better.
-"his knuckles were knotted," I think you need a full stop there.
The last three paragraphs all start with 'she', again, you might want to replace that with her name, maybe?
6/28/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
o.o I think I may have a minor crush on Cyn... the way you described her is like wow... This was very good though =) the sudden suspence is ingenious. Keep it up! ^^
~Rayne
o.o I think I may have a minor crush on Cyn... the way you described her is like wow... This was very good though =) the sudden suspence is ingenious. Keep it up! ^^
~Rayne
6/28/2010 c1 this wild abyss
From the Roadhouse:
- I like how you introduce the main character as ‘our’. It really connects the reader to the story at an early point.
- “Cyn?” Generally speaking, you only need to end a sentence with one punctuation mark. Any more makes the story look rough and teenagerish. Not that being a teen is bad, and stories written by people in that age group are usually interesting, but this isn’t one of those good times. (:
- There’s this amazing gift to man called a contraction, and in a few places, I think you need to pull it out of its pretty gift wrap and put it to use.
Nice opening. Your descriptive powers are unique and make for an interesting read. The intrigue is well-written as well. Thank you for writing this.
From the Roadhouse:
- I like how you introduce the main character as ‘our’. It really connects the reader to the story at an early point.
- “Cyn?” Generally speaking, you only need to end a sentence with one punctuation mark. Any more makes the story look rough and teenagerish. Not that being a teen is bad, and stories written by people in that age group are usually interesting, but this isn’t one of those good times. (:
- There’s this amazing gift to man called a contraction, and in a few places, I think you need to pull it out of its pretty gift wrap and put it to use.
Nice opening. Your descriptive powers are unique and make for an interesting read. The intrigue is well-written as well. Thank you for writing this.
6/28/2010 c1 1esthaelum
I like Cyn so far. She seems physically perfect. I thought she might be arrogant and big headed at first, but turns out, she isn't. I like how you described her appearance. The way you wrote is was so elegant and pretty... I like the plot so far too. This is definitely interesting so far. Keep writing~
1esthaelumI like Cyn so far. She seems physically perfect. I thought she might be arrogant and big headed at first, but turns out, she isn't. I like how you described her appearance. The way you wrote is was so elegant and pretty... I like the plot so far too. This is definitely interesting so far. Keep writing~
6/24/2010 c1 Wounded-Petals
For a first chapter, this story gives a lot away. First off, Cyn comes off as a very natural character with the tendencies of real people... such as wanting just a moment of peace when we, the readers, somehow know that's not going to happen, then having to break herself away from it to receive bad news.
Great beginning.
W-P
For a first chapter, this story gives a lot away. First off, Cyn comes off as a very natural character with the tendencies of real people... such as wanting just a moment of peace when we, the readers, somehow know that's not going to happen, then having to break herself away from it to receive bad news.
Great beginning.
W-P
6/24/2010 c1 16Creeping Collarbones
The storm outside her window had been brewing for weeks, and had finally arrived.- This sound kind of akward. Maybe chane it to: The storm that had been brewing outsider her window for weeks had finlly arrived.
I als think 'our' should be changed to A or The, since you are writinf in third person.
Hair floating like sea weed atop the ocean waves-I like this line! I think seaweed is one word, though. Sorry, I'm being picky.
she lived for these nights; idly watching trees fight with the rain, much like her warriors fought enemies.- another great line!
The man who she called Gills- a comma after the man is needed.
16Creeping CollarbonesThe storm outside her window had been brewing for weeks, and had finally arrived.- This sound kind of akward. Maybe chane it to: The storm that had been brewing outsider her window for weeks had finlly arrived.
I als think 'our' should be changed to A or The, since you are writinf in third person.
Hair floating like sea weed atop the ocean waves-I like this line! I think seaweed is one word, though. Sorry, I'm being picky.
she lived for these nights; idly watching trees fight with the rain, much like her warriors fought enemies.- another great line!
The man who she called Gills- a comma after the man is needed.
6/23/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
The storm outside her window had been brewing for weeks, and had finally arrived.
- Edit this as : The storm brewing outside her window for week had finally arrived or something similar of your choice.
boiled /her self/ like - boiled herself like
the /rooms/ only source of light. - room's
/Lightening/ cracked - Lightning
She selfishly thought, she wanted nothing more than to be left alone, - edit as : ...thought, wanting nothing more than to be...
Taking a step out of the ravenous waters of her porcelain tub, placing a graceful foot on gold carpet, and reaching for a silk robe that hung on an ornate coat rack,
- Whoa! Too many actions in one sentence. Makes it difficult to follow. Try breaking it up into two smaller ones.
head of any /house hold/ - household
com rad - comrade
I love the imagery you present. It is unusual and very vivid. The metaphors are really wonderful.
I like the way you describe this lady. She is menacing, but coated with a gossamer of feminine beauty.
Waiting for more.
6MeAsIAmThe storm outside her window had been brewing for weeks, and had finally arrived.
- Edit this as : The storm brewing outside her window for week had finally arrived or something similar of your choice.
boiled /her self/ like - boiled herself like
the /rooms/ only source of light. - room's
/Lightening/ cracked - Lightning
She selfishly thought, she wanted nothing more than to be left alone, - edit as : ...thought, wanting nothing more than to be...
Taking a step out of the ravenous waters of her porcelain tub, placing a graceful foot on gold carpet, and reaching for a silk robe that hung on an ornate coat rack,
- Whoa! Too many actions in one sentence. Makes it difficult to follow. Try breaking it up into two smaller ones.
head of any /house hold/ - household
com rad - comrade
I love the imagery you present. It is unusual and very vivid. The metaphors are really wonderful.
I like the way you describe this lady. She is menacing, but coated with a gossamer of feminine beauty.
Waiting for more.
6/23/2010 c1 27Just Silly Me
I am a grammar crazy person, so if I talk about it a lot, sorry.
"raven haired"-"raven-haired."
bathtub is one word.
seaweed is also one word. (I like the analogy though!)
"rooms"-"room's."
"lightening"-I think it's "lightning" but I'm not really sure of the difference...
"She'd lived for these nights..."
I don't know if you need the comma after "thought."
"She stood. A cave of water swooshed beneath her along with an angry sea, just as she'd always imagined it."
comma after "a familiar face."
I think you need a comma after "Wyld."
You should put commas after "Madam" and "Yours Truly."
coursed-good word.
"as today was Tuesday. "Gils!" she hollered down the hallway.
I'm seeing some dialogue grammar problems... I'll be sure to explain to you in the next chapter.
every one-everyone
comma after "she said."
blood shed-bloodshed.
Overall, seems to be doing nicely so far. I'll watch and see how it goes.
~JSM
A review for The Roadhouse forum
27Just Silly MeI am a grammar crazy person, so if I talk about it a lot, sorry.
"raven haired"-"raven-haired."
bathtub is one word.
seaweed is also one word. (I like the analogy though!)
"rooms"-"room's."
"lightening"-I think it's "lightning" but I'm not really sure of the difference...
"She'd lived for these nights..."
I don't know if you need the comma after "thought."
"She stood. A cave of water swooshed beneath her along with an angry sea, just as she'd always imagined it."
comma after "a familiar face."
I think you need a comma after "Wyld."
You should put commas after "Madam" and "Yours Truly."
coursed-good word.
"as today was Tuesday. "Gils!" she hollered down the hallway.
I'm seeing some dialogue grammar problems... I'll be sure to explain to you in the next chapter.
every one-everyone
comma after "she said."
blood shed-bloodshed.
Overall, seems to be doing nicely so far. I'll watch and see how it goes.
~JSM
A review for The Roadhouse forum
6/23/2010 c1 Alice Novak
It's written well, with bits of mistakes scattered about. A proof read would do the job!
Eg.
- "His hair was mangy and his eyes were sunken, his beard was white and his knuckles were knotted," - The punctuation after "knotted" should be a full-stop. Not to mention that this shouldn't be a separate paragraph.
- "Our raven haired beauty" - You shouldn't have used "Our", "A" would be a better choice. I say this because you are writing in Third Person, it's very weird to see direct language at play here. So... yeah.
Good luck!
Deli .x
It's written well, with bits of mistakes scattered about. A proof read would do the job!
Eg.
- "His hair was mangy and his eyes were sunken, his beard was white and his knuckles were knotted," - The punctuation after "knotted" should be a full-stop. Not to mention that this shouldn't be a separate paragraph.
- "Our raven haired beauty" - You shouldn't have used "Our", "A" would be a better choice. I say this because you are writing in Third Person, it's very weird to see direct language at play here. So... yeah.
Good luck!
Deli .x
6/23/2010 c1 29YasuRan
Dear, please turn on the spell-checker before posting or at least beta-read. Too many spelling mistakes detract from what otherwise a good story.
Cyn comes across as quite a scary character, definitely a woman who shouldn't be messed with. I feel very sorry for this Divisderou fellow now. Judging from that terrible temper of hers, he is in for a world of trouble. So this means bloodshed, eh? Oh dear... I think I'd like to see where this could go.
Just take care of those spelling mistakes :)
29YasuRanDear, please turn on the spell-checker before posting or at least beta-read. Too many spelling mistakes detract from what otherwise a good story.
Cyn comes across as quite a scary character, definitely a woman who shouldn't be messed with. I feel very sorry for this Divisderou fellow now. Judging from that terrible temper of hers, he is in for a world of trouble. So this means bloodshed, eh? Oh dear... I think I'd like to see where this could go.
Just take care of those spelling mistakes :)
6/22/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From Roadhouse
"Lightening cracked outside her window, she lived for these nights she watched trees fight with the rain,
much like her warriors fought enemies."
-Edit: the third clause needs to be with the first and second clause because it's still one sentence
"She was not one to challenge, she had grown to her power by taking it. It was highly unusual for women to be head of any house hold, she was looked down upon by outsiders, allies had her as such
for her assets."
-Edit: same as above, "for her assets" needs to be in the same line as the sentence it's part of, the one starting with "She was..."
I liked the beginning and how you used the term like "Our raven haired", it gave the beginning and interesting flavor. I really think you started in medias res too, right in the middle of things at the last possible moment, so it started with a bang and I always appreciate that, you were able to catch my attention instantly.
The dialogue was realistic, even though there wasn't a ton of it, and I liked the descriptions you added. I didn't find any huge grammar problems, and I also found the letter provocative. I think you ended on a curious note too, in a way that will make the reader want to move on and see what happens next. War is always something to grab a reader's attention!
4lookingwestFrom Roadhouse
"Lightening cracked outside her window, she lived for these nights she watched trees fight with the rain,
much like her warriors fought enemies."
-Edit: the third clause needs to be with the first and second clause because it's still one sentence
"She was not one to challenge, she had grown to her power by taking it. It was highly unusual for women to be head of any house hold, she was looked down upon by outsiders, allies had her as such
for her assets."
-Edit: same as above, "for her assets" needs to be in the same line as the sentence it's part of, the one starting with "She was..."
I liked the beginning and how you used the term like "Our raven haired", it gave the beginning and interesting flavor. I really think you started in medias res too, right in the middle of things at the last possible moment, so it started with a bang and I always appreciate that, you were able to catch my attention instantly.
The dialogue was realistic, even though there wasn't a ton of it, and I liked the descriptions you added. I didn't find any huge grammar problems, and I also found the letter provocative. I think you ended on a curious note too, in a way that will make the reader want to move on and see what happens next. War is always something to grab a reader's attention!