for Mirror Opposites7/18/2010 c1 
8Adrenalin
Hi there, this is for the Review Game fight for the freebie.
Opening: I felt there was too much exposition in Andi's first part, like location, time frame, Andi's relationship to her parents, the setting of the house, etc... and not enough action (The only things she does are waking up & going to wake up her sister).
This part also suffers from an overly use of telling rather than showing (instead of making the radio say that the weather is nice, why doesn't Andi takes a look out of the window and see that the sky is perfectly clear of any cloud?)...
I'm not very fond of flashbacks so early in the story but as you use them regularly through the whole piece, I suppose you're going for a mosaic type of narrative.
One thing I would change, though, is the indications at the start of each part: we can understand easily which point of view it is, especially since you use the first person. I'd rather the time indicators were given through other means too, but that's just personnal preference.
Characters:
I felt they were all a little too stereotypical. Andi is the perfect girl, preppy & all, & she's their mom's favorite. And she wears tons of make-up and dress 'like a skank'? My sister is sort of like that (though I wouldn't say she dresses like a skank) and believe me, she's far from being the favorite child. Of course, Aliyah wearing gothic is probably not the best way to achieve preference.
Why does Andi go on choir trips when she seems the most unlikely person to attend choir? You say that she's shy (didn't see that - shy people avoid being seen in itsy tiny bikinis I think) & that she hates Aliyah for being such a great singer - adding these facts would be 'no way in hell' to singing, in my opinion.
Aliyah is better I think; she seems more logical in her actions, but I still can't see her dressed as a gothic - you didn't give me enough reasons to.
Relationships:
Why is Andi the favorite child? It just doesn't add up to me; on a biological level, a mom will love one who's from her own blood better than an adopted child, except if there are very good reasons that made her hate the child in the first place. But in the fifteen years ago flashback, I didn't understand why Anita reacts so harshly to Aliyah. Yes she ruined the list, but she's three. What's the reason for Anita's yelling? We need to know.
Pace:
Way to slow. In the summary, you say the two sisters "are forced to bond when held hostage by a group of criminals". Where are those criminals? Where is the crime, where is the drama? I mean, upon reading the first chapter, I was under the impression that it was a common teenage fiction, including some romance & family matters. If you're going for a mosaic narrative, then you can start right in the middle of action & put all the parts we've just read as flashbacks. It will make the story much more interesting & the first chapter will definitely set the pace of the story. Readers looking at your summary then reading the first chapter will probably go 'what the *?' Personnally, I had to go back to your profile to read the summary again - I thought I had been mistaken in considering it the summary of the story I was reading.
I hope I've not been too harsh & that it will be helpful for you. I did like some of the story, but it was so unfitting with the summary that I couldn't concentrate on those parts. Anyway, keep it on and try to start the crime/drama part really soon!
8AdrenalinHi there, this is for the Review Game fight for the freebie.
Opening: I felt there was too much exposition in Andi's first part, like location, time frame, Andi's relationship to her parents, the setting of the house, etc... and not enough action (The only things she does are waking up & going to wake up her sister).
This part also suffers from an overly use of telling rather than showing (instead of making the radio say that the weather is nice, why doesn't Andi takes a look out of the window and see that the sky is perfectly clear of any cloud?)...
I'm not very fond of flashbacks so early in the story but as you use them regularly through the whole piece, I suppose you're going for a mosaic type of narrative.
One thing I would change, though, is the indications at the start of each part: we can understand easily which point of view it is, especially since you use the first person. I'd rather the time indicators were given through other means too, but that's just personnal preference.
Characters:
I felt they were all a little too stereotypical. Andi is the perfect girl, preppy & all, & she's their mom's favorite. And she wears tons of make-up and dress 'like a skank'? My sister is sort of like that (though I wouldn't say she dresses like a skank) and believe me, she's far from being the favorite child. Of course, Aliyah wearing gothic is probably not the best way to achieve preference.
Why does Andi go on choir trips when she seems the most unlikely person to attend choir? You say that she's shy (didn't see that - shy people avoid being seen in itsy tiny bikinis I think) & that she hates Aliyah for being such a great singer - adding these facts would be 'no way in hell' to singing, in my opinion.
Aliyah is better I think; she seems more logical in her actions, but I still can't see her dressed as a gothic - you didn't give me enough reasons to.
Relationships:
Why is Andi the favorite child? It just doesn't add up to me; on a biological level, a mom will love one who's from her own blood better than an adopted child, except if there are very good reasons that made her hate the child in the first place. But in the fifteen years ago flashback, I didn't understand why Anita reacts so harshly to Aliyah. Yes she ruined the list, but she's three. What's the reason for Anita's yelling? We need to know.
Pace:
Way to slow. In the summary, you say the two sisters "are forced to bond when held hostage by a group of criminals". Where are those criminals? Where is the crime, where is the drama? I mean, upon reading the first chapter, I was under the impression that it was a common teenage fiction, including some romance & family matters. If you're going for a mosaic narrative, then you can start right in the middle of action & put all the parts we've just read as flashbacks. It will make the story much more interesting & the first chapter will definitely set the pace of the story. Readers looking at your summary then reading the first chapter will probably go 'what the *?' Personnally, I had to go back to your profile to read the summary again - I thought I had been mistaken in considering it the summary of the story I was reading.
I hope I've not been too harsh & that it will be helpful for you. I did like some of the story, but it was so unfitting with the summary that I couldn't concentrate on those parts. Anyway, keep it on and try to start the crime/drama part really soon!
7/18/2010 c1 4XxNoImaginationxX
The first thing I noticed, just scrolling down to get to the review bar is that this chapter is very long. Reading that much text in one block is a pretty big ask so if you cut it down a bit the story would seem less intimidating and more approachable.
"It is now five thirty A.M and the weather is nice here in Phoenix at a nice 71 degrees, here's Staci with the traffic report."
- The word 'nice' is repeated in this sentence, it makes it feel very awkward and I doubt that radio announcers would do that. By replacing the second 'nice' with 'lovely' or something similar it would flow better.
"I needed to get back into the habit of waking up early again."
- Saying 'get back into' implies that it once was, therefore having 'again' at the end is redundant and awkward.
"...no sleeping in until eight o'clock"
-It may just be me, but waking up at 8am isn't a sleep in. My winter break just ended and of the three weeks I had off, there were only about 5 days I woke up before 9am. It does differ between people but it seems she is making a big deal of very little.
"I grabed a towel and a sundress and head to the bathroom..."
- grabbed has two b's.
- you change the tense halfway through this sentence. And as I read through the chapter, much of it is in past tense, with a few paragraphs of present tense. Changing it all to present tense involves the reader and makes it a much better read. If you choose not to do so, please stick with the one tense!
"I was a mommy's girl, and daddy's girl;"
- I feel there needs to be something after mommy's girl. Perhaps something like 'and no less a daddy's girl', something like that to buffer it so it's not just clumped together.
"My mom screamed pictures were..."
- 'My mom screamed. Pictures were (or are) ...'
" "Shut up, Andi." Someone's got a case of the Monday's."
- This would be better as two paragraphs. Setting more of a tone to end this POV with.
Considering the size of this paragraph, I suggest you break the chapters up into different peoples POV's. Having just read Andy's first part, I understand that you would need Liyah to counteract Andi's unlikeable personality. As you have the one persons POV multiple times in the one chapter you could even have just each persons perspective once.
"One word: Andi."
- I think by having 'one word' before the name detracts from the impact of Andi's betrayal and Liyah's dislike towards her sister. If you just leave it as 'Andi' you can add narration to give more emphasis or even leaving it as just the five words on that line would imply that. In some cases, such as this, less is more.
"This is a family matter, Farah." She sneered the words..."
- 'She' implies that the person mentioned or talking before Liyah spoke would be saying this. That person is Nicole, and Nicole is not family making her not only a hypocrite, but a rather daft one.
"...essentially asking for attention from my parents."
- When setting a scene in a characters past, in 1st POV you should have it written as though they are that age. I'm not sure a three year old would admit to that or even be aware of that fact.
"Yeah, I can play base; I did in my old band."
- when talking guitars, its spelt 'bass'
Overall, I think Liyah is a great character, as well as Adam and Farah. Yet I was a bit disappointed you didn't mention much more of her gothic interests and piercings after the halloween scene.
Andi however, seems like a fairly shallow character with very few likeable aspects. The parts of her personality that are nice are quite lovely and I hope they will appear more frequently throughout this story.
Their parents are interesting and you've set up a good basis to delve into a strong back story. There has to be some story behind the mother, she is so strange!
I am curious to see where you go with this. Just please, make the chapters shorter next time!
4XxNoImaginationxXThe first thing I noticed, just scrolling down to get to the review bar is that this chapter is very long. Reading that much text in one block is a pretty big ask so if you cut it down a bit the story would seem less intimidating and more approachable.
"It is now five thirty A.M and the weather is nice here in Phoenix at a nice 71 degrees, here's Staci with the traffic report."
- The word 'nice' is repeated in this sentence, it makes it feel very awkward and I doubt that radio announcers would do that. By replacing the second 'nice' with 'lovely' or something similar it would flow better.
"I needed to get back into the habit of waking up early again."
- Saying 'get back into' implies that it once was, therefore having 'again' at the end is redundant and awkward.
"...no sleeping in until eight o'clock"
-It may just be me, but waking up at 8am isn't a sleep in. My winter break just ended and of the three weeks I had off, there were only about 5 days I woke up before 9am. It does differ between people but it seems she is making a big deal of very little.
"I grabed a towel and a sundress and head to the bathroom..."
- grabbed has two b's.
- you change the tense halfway through this sentence. And as I read through the chapter, much of it is in past tense, with a few paragraphs of present tense. Changing it all to present tense involves the reader and makes it a much better read. If you choose not to do so, please stick with the one tense!
"I was a mommy's girl, and daddy's girl;"
- I feel there needs to be something after mommy's girl. Perhaps something like 'and no less a daddy's girl', something like that to buffer it so it's not just clumped together.
"My mom screamed pictures were..."
- 'My mom screamed. Pictures were (or are) ...'
" "Shut up, Andi." Someone's got a case of the Monday's."
- This would be better as two paragraphs. Setting more of a tone to end this POV with.
Considering the size of this paragraph, I suggest you break the chapters up into different peoples POV's. Having just read Andy's first part, I understand that you would need Liyah to counteract Andi's unlikeable personality. As you have the one persons POV multiple times in the one chapter you could even have just each persons perspective once.
"One word: Andi."
- I think by having 'one word' before the name detracts from the impact of Andi's betrayal and Liyah's dislike towards her sister. If you just leave it as 'Andi' you can add narration to give more emphasis or even leaving it as just the five words on that line would imply that. In some cases, such as this, less is more.
"This is a family matter, Farah." She sneered the words..."
- 'She' implies that the person mentioned or talking before Liyah spoke would be saying this. That person is Nicole, and Nicole is not family making her not only a hypocrite, but a rather daft one.
"...essentially asking for attention from my parents."
- When setting a scene in a characters past, in 1st POV you should have it written as though they are that age. I'm not sure a three year old would admit to that or even be aware of that fact.
"Yeah, I can play base; I did in my old band."
- when talking guitars, its spelt 'bass'
Overall, I think Liyah is a great character, as well as Adam and Farah. Yet I was a bit disappointed you didn't mention much more of her gothic interests and piercings after the halloween scene.
Andi however, seems like a fairly shallow character with very few likeable aspects. The parts of her personality that are nice are quite lovely and I hope they will appear more frequently throughout this story.
Their parents are interesting and you've set up a good basis to delve into a strong back story. There has to be some story behind the mother, she is so strange!
I am curious to see where you go with this. Just please, make the chapters shorter next time!
7/17/2010 c1 2The Jab
Hiya, it's The Jab, from the Review Game Fight for the Freebie.
First thing I notice: This "chapter" is far too long. I know you have it split up and all, but the giant block on one page simply makes this very discouraging. I find readers are drawn to shorter chapters. It's just a lot more aesthetically pleasing. I must say, if this wasn't for the freebie, I would've quit right off the bat, no matter how interesting your plot is.
- Andi -
When she calls her sister "the devil reincarnated" I think you might be looking for the phrase "the devil incarnate" which means like the epitome of evil.
Gah, I know how she feels. I'd be getting out of that room as fast as I can.
- Eight Years Ago -
"It was Halloween day and I was so excited because it was my first time I'd go to a haunted house." This is VERY awkward and not even grammatically sound. I would say "... I was so excited because this would be my first time going to a haunted house." Instead.
I like the dialect you use for when she has the fangs in her mouth. Any author who says that a character is talking funny and isn't spelling it the way they're saying it, should stop calling themselves an author.
"My mom screamed pictures were a tradition in our house." Need some sort of separation between screamed and pictures. Probably a period.
"No one likes scary people, only happy people like me." This line gives a good insight to Andi's overly cheery, somewhat ignorant, personality.
Does this family only know names that start with A? Jeez. Aaliyah, Andi, Anita. Oh, and I would've smacked that chick so hard if she called me by my first name like that. But that's just me :)
I'm no expert on the subject, but I believe it's spelled Justin Bieber. And that line also shows Andi's personality real well.
-Liyah-
Hm, the switching of narrators is both intriguing and confusing at the same time. I'll have to see if this works out.
-Fifteen Years Ago-
It's definitely, not defiantly.
Once again, the baby talk is good.
-Nine Months Ago-
Your characters aren't the deepest ones I've ever come across. Aliyah and Andi are both goth and prep cliches, respectively.
"What all do you need?" Huh? This, if I'm even understanding it right, should be "What do you all need?" Word order matters.
"The bell rang; signaling the end of class Liyah stopped by my desk and smirked at me on her way out." Semicolon should probably be a comma and there should be a period between class and Liyah. You seem to like using semicolons. Then again, I really like using commas.
-Four Years Ago-
My Immortal's a good song :)
"That was the moment I knew that Liyah was more than just a was the moment I knew she was fantastic..." Huh? I don't even know what this is supposed to say.
"I could never surpass that level of amazing." This is awkward for me. Level of amazing? I'd say extreme prowess instead or something along those lines.
-Two Months Ago-
This story jumps around A LOT
How can one whisper/yell? You can whisper harshly or scold quietly.
Did you purposely give Adam's mom the same name as a famous pornstar?
Ugh, Aliyah raised money for PETA? There goes 100% of my respect for her.
- In Conclusion-
So much of this is underdeveloped. I feel if you separated each of the mini chapters into regular chapters, you could look at each one as an individual and repair them accordingly.
As I touched on earlier, your characters are really weak. Even though you do a great job at establishing what your characters are, it only goes skin deep. I've seen the popularkid-loathing goth a thousand times and I've seen the mama's little preppy princess a thousand more times.
Especially with the promise of action and whatnot, this story could be something. You really just need to work hard at it. It doesn't seem like any thought was put into this. I have a word document that I list every major and supporting character in my novel, The Jabbe Chronicles. I list their physical features and other important things. I give them birthdays and middle names even though some of their middle names or birthdays will never come up within the story. It helps me to keep everything sorted out. I know exactly what's going to happen at the end. I have plans for my characters. It really comes through in the writing since my characters tend to be what people love most.
Your stories can be salvaged. You haven't failed yet. I believe in ya, kiddo.
2The JabHiya, it's The Jab, from the Review Game Fight for the Freebie.
First thing I notice: This "chapter" is far too long. I know you have it split up and all, but the giant block on one page simply makes this very discouraging. I find readers are drawn to shorter chapters. It's just a lot more aesthetically pleasing. I must say, if this wasn't for the freebie, I would've quit right off the bat, no matter how interesting your plot is.
- Andi -
When she calls her sister "the devil reincarnated" I think you might be looking for the phrase "the devil incarnate" which means like the epitome of evil.
Gah, I know how she feels. I'd be getting out of that room as fast as I can.
- Eight Years Ago -
"It was Halloween day and I was so excited because it was my first time I'd go to a haunted house." This is VERY awkward and not even grammatically sound. I would say "... I was so excited because this would be my first time going to a haunted house." Instead.
I like the dialect you use for when she has the fangs in her mouth. Any author who says that a character is talking funny and isn't spelling it the way they're saying it, should stop calling themselves an author.
"My mom screamed pictures were a tradition in our house." Need some sort of separation between screamed and pictures. Probably a period.
"No one likes scary people, only happy people like me." This line gives a good insight to Andi's overly cheery, somewhat ignorant, personality.
Does this family only know names that start with A? Jeez. Aaliyah, Andi, Anita. Oh, and I would've smacked that chick so hard if she called me by my first name like that. But that's just me :)
I'm no expert on the subject, but I believe it's spelled Justin Bieber. And that line also shows Andi's personality real well.
-Liyah-
Hm, the switching of narrators is both intriguing and confusing at the same time. I'll have to see if this works out.
-Fifteen Years Ago-
It's definitely, not defiantly.
Once again, the baby talk is good.
-Nine Months Ago-
Your characters aren't the deepest ones I've ever come across. Aliyah and Andi are both goth and prep cliches, respectively.
"What all do you need?" Huh? This, if I'm even understanding it right, should be "What do you all need?" Word order matters.
"The bell rang; signaling the end of class Liyah stopped by my desk and smirked at me on her way out." Semicolon should probably be a comma and there should be a period between class and Liyah. You seem to like using semicolons. Then again, I really like using commas.
-Four Years Ago-
My Immortal's a good song :)
"That was the moment I knew that Liyah was more than just a was the moment I knew she was fantastic..." Huh? I don't even know what this is supposed to say.
"I could never surpass that level of amazing." This is awkward for me. Level of amazing? I'd say extreme prowess instead or something along those lines.
-Two Months Ago-
This story jumps around A LOT
How can one whisper/yell? You can whisper harshly or scold quietly.
Did you purposely give Adam's mom the same name as a famous pornstar?
Ugh, Aliyah raised money for PETA? There goes 100% of my respect for her.
- In Conclusion-
So much of this is underdeveloped. I feel if you separated each of the mini chapters into regular chapters, you could look at each one as an individual and repair them accordingly.
As I touched on earlier, your characters are really weak. Even though you do a great job at establishing what your characters are, it only goes skin deep. I've seen the popularkid-loathing goth a thousand times and I've seen the mama's little preppy princess a thousand more times.
Especially with the promise of action and whatnot, this story could be something. You really just need to work hard at it. It doesn't seem like any thought was put into this. I have a word document that I list every major and supporting character in my novel, The Jabbe Chronicles. I list their physical features and other important things. I give them birthdays and middle names even though some of their middle names or birthdays will never come up within the story. It helps me to keep everything sorted out. I know exactly what's going to happen at the end. I have plans for my characters. It really comes through in the writing since my characters tend to be what people love most.
Your stories can be salvaged. You haven't failed yet. I believe in ya, kiddo.
7/11/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Opening:
The opening is different, and quite nice. Actually I find the idea of Andi walking up to the radio (I assume) a bit strange, but well. The opening pinpointed the geography well. Just a suggestion - can you mention it in passing if it was a TV or a radio? Assuming that she is in her room, it will give an idea about her room.
- Scene and Dialog: The dialogue is quite consistent with the character, which makes the story believable. The use of flashbacks was good. The consistency of the characters that changed with age was really well:
(from Liyah's pov at the time of adoption)
His eyes had purple underneath the; daddy should start going to nap time with me at pre-school with Mrs. H and he'll be better in no time.
- That was pretty cute. It felt like something Liyah would say, given her affection for her father.
- Characters and relationships :
I found Andi a bit too fictional. I doubt girls like Andi exist, who do not use occasional curse words and are miss perfect in sense of the world. If they do, I have unfortunately not met them. I would like to meet someone like her though. :)
I do not think that anyone can be painted in white and black. All people are shades of grey - as they have good qualities, they have vices too. That is something we need to accept. I found the Mother to be a bit strange. An explanation for her behaviour in the coming chapters perhaps?
Also, the father has largely been portrayed as a figure on the fringes. Maybe some characterization for him won't hurt.
- Writing and Spelling/Grammar:
There is a bit of problem with tenses. Also, you use too many semi-colons and commas. You can cut a long sentence instead of using semi colons, especially laces where it sounds a bit forced.
I grabed a towel - I grabbed a towel
Note: There are a few more spelling mistakes, but nothing that cannot be corrected with a re-reading.
- Enjoyment:
I enjoyed it pretty much. The shift of povs was nicely dine.
- Plot:
The plot is nice. I expected Andi and Liyah to be twins like it is in every single movie or book, but Andi being adopted makes a a bit off-beat.
- Pace:
The pace is nice. Just a suggestion - keep the flashbacks short. They are interesting, no doubt but they make one lose track of the story. For example, I completely forgot what was going on when I finished reading the last flashback and hence was confused at the very last part of the story.
Ending: The ending was nice, but it felt incomplete. The cat had been mentioned earlier and hence I thought it would be natural to include why the cat was the 'Satan' (:)). If it were included in the next chapter, it would feel disconnected.
- via the Review Game - Depth
6MeAsIAmOpening:
The opening is different, and quite nice. Actually I find the idea of Andi walking up to the radio (I assume) a bit strange, but well. The opening pinpointed the geography well. Just a suggestion - can you mention it in passing if it was a TV or a radio? Assuming that she is in her room, it will give an idea about her room.
- Scene and Dialog: The dialogue is quite consistent with the character, which makes the story believable. The use of flashbacks was good. The consistency of the characters that changed with age was really well:
(from Liyah's pov at the time of adoption)
His eyes had purple underneath the; daddy should start going to nap time with me at pre-school with Mrs. H and he'll be better in no time.
- That was pretty cute. It felt like something Liyah would say, given her affection for her father.
- Characters and relationships :
I found Andi a bit too fictional. I doubt girls like Andi exist, who do not use occasional curse words and are miss perfect in sense of the world. If they do, I have unfortunately not met them. I would like to meet someone like her though. :)
I do not think that anyone can be painted in white and black. All people are shades of grey - as they have good qualities, they have vices too. That is something we need to accept. I found the Mother to be a bit strange. An explanation for her behaviour in the coming chapters perhaps?
Also, the father has largely been portrayed as a figure on the fringes. Maybe some characterization for him won't hurt.
- Writing and Spelling/Grammar:
There is a bit of problem with tenses. Also, you use too many semi-colons and commas. You can cut a long sentence instead of using semi colons, especially laces where it sounds a bit forced.
I grabed a towel - I grabbed a towel
Note: There are a few more spelling mistakes, but nothing that cannot be corrected with a re-reading.
- Enjoyment:
I enjoyed it pretty much. The shift of povs was nicely dine.
- Plot:
The plot is nice. I expected Andi and Liyah to be twins like it is in every single movie or book, but Andi being adopted makes a a bit off-beat.
- Pace:
The pace is nice. Just a suggestion - keep the flashbacks short. They are interesting, no doubt but they make one lose track of the story. For example, I completely forgot what was going on when I finished reading the last flashback and hence was confused at the very last part of the story.
Ending: The ending was nice, but it felt incomplete. The cat had been mentioned earlier and hence I thought it would be natural to include why the cat was the 'Satan' (:)). If it were included in the next chapter, it would feel disconnected.
- via the Review Game - Depth
6/25/2010 c1 13BobSince1934
How does this not have any reviews? It's simply amazing. The dialogue is so real, the characters seem real. I have nothing bad to say abut this actually. There's a couple typos, but who doesn't have a few typos in their writing? Keep up the great work. I can't wait for the next installment, and I'm hoping it's as long as this first one.
13BobSince1934How does this not have any reviews? It's simply amazing. The dialogue is so real, the characters seem real. I have nothing bad to say abut this actually. There's a couple typos, but who doesn't have a few typos in their writing? Keep up the great work. I can't wait for the next installment, and I'm hoping it's as long as this first one.