for Shall and Shall Not3/19/2011 c1 
29YasuRan
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
As is always the case with you, unique wording becomes your art. There are dozens of examples in this piece that add to its beauty and complexity: 'diddling star shine', 'penumbra', 'the board of sinners', 'quiver in adultery', the list could go on.
I find myself reading this again and again to find something new to mull over because of the myriad amount of meaning that can be drawn from the imagery you create. It's this quality that sets your work apart, in that the reader can't help but get lost in the verse and enjoy it at the same time. I especially like the use of alliteration ('providence prudent', 'pages, plagues, pardoned') since they link words (and meanings) that are otherwise so far apart.
29YasuRanCourtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile)
As is always the case with you, unique wording becomes your art. There are dozens of examples in this piece that add to its beauty and complexity: 'diddling star shine', 'penumbra', 'the board of sinners', 'quiver in adultery', the list could go on.
I find myself reading this again and again to find something new to mull over because of the myriad amount of meaning that can be drawn from the imagery you create. It's this quality that sets your work apart, in that the reader can't help but get lost in the verse and enjoy it at the same time. I especially like the use of alliteration ('providence prudent', 'pages, plagues, pardoned') since they link words (and meanings) that are otherwise so far apart.
7/18/2010 c1 210Ayx
thou shall not
love longer than is
necessary -
I believe that is the entire essence of this piece; well for me. And, it's simple and beautiful.
Ayx
210Ayxthou shall not
love longer than is
necessary -
I believe that is the entire essence of this piece; well for me. And, it's simple and beautiful.
Ayx
7/13/2010 c1 recycle rhymes
you definitely have my vote for the July WCC. I have been a fan of your writing for many years. you have an eloquence with words that's hypnotizing. the rhythm of this piece really drew me in, especially the third last stanza. good luck with the WCC :)
you definitely have my vote for the July WCC. I have been a fan of your writing for many years. you have an eloquence with words that's hypnotizing. the rhythm of this piece really drew me in, especially the third last stanza. good luck with the WCC :)
7/11/2010 c1 124in theory
Stunning, I don't have anything even vaguely resembling input. The crux of this is 'though shall not love longer than is necessary', just something that you seem to be saying directly to me right now. Best of luck with the WCC :)
Jack
124in theoryStunning, I don't have anything even vaguely resembling input. The crux of this is 'though shall not love longer than is necessary', just something that you seem to be saying directly to me right now. Best of luck with the WCC :)
Jack
7/10/2010 c1 144chaos called creation
It has been years and I am still so impressed by what you can do with words.
Keep writing!
144chaos called creationIt has been years and I am still so impressed by what you can do with words.
Keep writing!
7/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Your poems for the WCC are always so lovely. :)
I think you used alliteration a lot more than I usually see in this, and it worked well for you. Word choice in that area was excellent, especially liked 'rain, rhythm and mayhem' and 'remain
reminded, reminiscent'. Cool words in the right order excite me more than they should, but it's a nice effect.
Also, I like how you used 'thou' language to tie the poem more closely to the prompt. It gave the poem a, how do you say, classy feel.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
21Sercus KaynineYour poems for the WCC are always so lovely. :)
I think you used alliteration a lot more than I usually see in this, and it worked well for you. Word choice in that area was excellent, especially liked 'rain, rhythm and mayhem' and 'remain
reminded, reminiscent'. Cool words in the right order excite me more than they should, but it's a nice effect.
Also, I like how you used 'thou' language to tie the poem more closely to the prompt. It gave the poem a, how do you say, classy feel.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
7/6/2010 c1 Isca
"Those hands that hold tightly." Relatable, yet somehow celestial. I like it.
"Thou shall not love longer than is necessary." Wow. This is very powerful to me (especially because I'm rather the opposite and believe that love should last for eternity). This was definitely very thought-provoking. :)
"Agrarian sisters inhaling thin puffs of chain link words – saying: I love thee, I love thee not." Likely the best line from the piece.
"And to kill is to covet." My favourite line. Marcus Aurelius would applaud you for this line.
"Those hands that hold tightly." Relatable, yet somehow celestial. I like it.
"Thou shall not love longer than is necessary." Wow. This is very powerful to me (especially because I'm rather the opposite and believe that love should last for eternity). This was definitely very thought-provoking. :)
"Agrarian sisters inhaling thin puffs of chain link words – saying: I love thee, I love thee not." Likely the best line from the piece.
"And to kill is to covet." My favourite line. Marcus Aurelius would applaud you for this line.
7/6/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
I don't review poetry very often because I'm not a good enough poet to know what's wrong and what's right. But I loved this. I followed everything so easily and the word choice was simply beautiful. I especially loved the lines "in the night when you can no longer/see me, but for penumbra and caricatures". It was so easy to picture that and eerie to imagine. Overall, fantastic interpretation of the prompt.
63RedactedNoLongerWritingI don't review poetry very often because I'm not a good enough poet to know what's wrong and what's right. But I loved this. I followed everything so easily and the word choice was simply beautiful. I especially loved the lines "in the night when you can no longer/see me, but for penumbra and caricatures". It was so easy to picture that and eerie to imagine. Overall, fantastic interpretation of the prompt.
7/4/2010 c1 12lianoid
Your poetry is always over my head brilliant. I really feel incompetent after I read it because the way you spin words and string them together is just amazing. I love the first line. It was such a great way to begin the piece, and it really pulled me in. I love the subtle rhyming in the fifth stanza, and the seventh one was simply amazing. You also use alliteration and assonance rather slyly and I like it. Excellent piece overall. I apologize for not being able to write something more thorough. Best of luck in this month’s WCC.
12lianoidYour poetry is always over my head brilliant. I really feel incompetent after I read it because the way you spin words and string them together is just amazing. I love the first line. It was such a great way to begin the piece, and it really pulled me in. I love the subtle rhyming in the fifth stanza, and the seventh one was simply amazing. You also use alliteration and assonance rather slyly and I like it. Excellent piece overall. I apologize for not being able to write something more thorough. Best of luck in this month’s WCC.
7/3/2010 c1 22lipleaf
As a sidenote, this poem might fit better into the religious section and spiritual genre. Or just one of those.
I think you did a really good job with the prompt. The connection is clear but not overt and our interpretation is interesting. I love many of the phrases you use in here- one of my favorites is
"thou shall not
love longer than is
necessary."
Your first stanza was beautiful as well, especially "Want is a hungry need" and "a burnt moon diddling moon shine."
I think the use of parentheses is a bit odd, though. It feels out of place and sort of hampers the flow. The internal rhyming does lessen that impact, though. But maybe it would stand better as its own line.
I also liked the stanza:
"and you and I are
motionless; providence
prudent in harsh times
such as these when
words screech off paper
tongues, fingers disjointed,
double fold, whisper
monochromatic love-made,
saved, erased, eroded
as too many free falling
bodies onto roofs, or just
the rain, rhythm and
mayhem;"
I loved the barrage of images it created- your wording was very eloquent. The way this flowed was really nice, for the most part. It transitioned smoothly and it has so many underlying ideas and messages. It's full of meaning. The tone of the entire poem was somewhat poignant and insightful. Using Old English enhanced the mood, and you pulled it off gracefully. It could be a bit more consistent (sometimes it feels too "modern"), but other than that, definitely a great piece.
I wish you luck in WCC. :)
22lipleafAs a sidenote, this poem might fit better into the religious section and spiritual genre. Or just one of those.
I think you did a really good job with the prompt. The connection is clear but not overt and our interpretation is interesting. I love many of the phrases you use in here- one of my favorites is
"thou shall not
love longer than is
necessary."
Your first stanza was beautiful as well, especially "Want is a hungry need" and "a burnt moon diddling moon shine."
I think the use of parentheses is a bit odd, though. It feels out of place and sort of hampers the flow. The internal rhyming does lessen that impact, though. But maybe it would stand better as its own line.
I also liked the stanza:
"and you and I are
motionless; providence
prudent in harsh times
such as these when
words screech off paper
tongues, fingers disjointed,
double fold, whisper
monochromatic love-made,
saved, erased, eroded
as too many free falling
bodies onto roofs, or just
the rain, rhythm and
mayhem;"
I loved the barrage of images it created- your wording was very eloquent. The way this flowed was really nice, for the most part. It transitioned smoothly and it has so many underlying ideas and messages. It's full of meaning. The tone of the entire poem was somewhat poignant and insightful. Using Old English enhanced the mood, and you pulled it off gracefully. It could be a bit more consistent (sometimes it feels too "modern"), but other than that, definitely a great piece.
I wish you luck in WCC. :)
7/2/2010 c1 8Lea Ai
This poem clenched at my heart the whole time. By the end, I had to remind myself to breathe. The pacing was perfect, keeping in time with the overall desperate tone of the piece. I especially liked the lines:
"And to kill
is to covet, is to
quiver in adultery,
is to steal,"
and the last 7 lines were so powerful-gripping right to the heart of the "downside" of love. Loved it :-D. Great take on the prompt. Good luck in WCC! :-D
8Lea AiThis poem clenched at my heart the whole time. By the end, I had to remind myself to breathe. The pacing was perfect, keeping in time with the overall desperate tone of the piece. I especially liked the lines:
"And to kill
is to covet, is to
quiver in adultery,
is to steal,"
and the last 7 lines were so powerful-gripping right to the heart of the "downside" of love. Loved it :-D. Great take on the prompt. Good luck in WCC! :-D
7/2/2010 c1 34Black Sparrow
"Those hands
that hold
tightly,
loosen,
as I am left
and remain
reminded, reminiscent,
thou shall not
love longer than is
necessary -"
Your words are simply beautiful. This poem is amazing :) Simply lovely. I love the use of Old English, it gives a Shakespearean feel to it... but that's probably just because I've just read Romeo and Juliet and am start McBeth.
Great job! Loved it.
34Black Sparrow"Those hands
that hold
tightly,
loosen,
as I am left
and remain
reminded, reminiscent,
thou shall not
love longer than is
necessary -"
Your words are simply beautiful. This poem is amazing :) Simply lovely. I love the use of Old English, it gives a Shakespearean feel to it... but that's probably just because I've just read Romeo and Juliet and am start McBeth.
Great job! Loved it.