for God Gave Us Free Will11/22/2016 c1 Guest
I liked this!
I liked this!
1/5/2011 c1 
5Maria Gracia
I was linked to this story before, but I'm seriously glad that I clicked and read it today. (:
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The tone of this story is somber, at first. It fits very well. I enjoyed the lack of contractions because it made me think of what other laws (and ways to live) had been passed before. It's a good way of showing & not telling, if you ask me.
I've seen stories like this before. And by that I mean, stories about utopian (thought it's more like dystopian (; ) societies that regulate what people can, or cannot do. I enjoyed it and it's a one-shot that captures you and makes you think about what you have, what you have not.
The ending feels a bit rushed - I would have liked to see a paragraph of descriptions, or something akin, to show me the swirl of emotion from the moment and the (in)justice taking place.
Also, "I was wrong, Son...this is not perfection. God gave us free will. Man took it away." that line is great, but I'm not so sure about the structure.
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My name is MaGa and I’m part of Project Fiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your one shot God Gave Us Free Will was one of them. Hopefully, the feedback will be of use to you.
- Courtesy of MaGa,
Project Fiction’s reviewer.
w (dot) projectfiction (dot)org
5Maria GraciaI was linked to this story before, but I'm seriously glad that I clicked and read it today. (:
-
The tone of this story is somber, at first. It fits very well. I enjoyed the lack of contractions because it made me think of what other laws (and ways to live) had been passed before. It's a good way of showing & not telling, if you ask me.
I've seen stories like this before. And by that I mean, stories about utopian (thought it's more like dystopian (; ) societies that regulate what people can, or cannot do. I enjoyed it and it's a one-shot that captures you and makes you think about what you have, what you have not.
The ending feels a bit rushed - I would have liked to see a paragraph of descriptions, or something akin, to show me the swirl of emotion from the moment and the (in)justice taking place.
Also, "I was wrong, Son...this is not perfection. God gave us free will. Man took it away." that line is great, but I'm not so sure about the structure.
-
My name is MaGa and I’m part of Project Fiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your one shot God Gave Us Free Will was one of them. Hopefully, the feedback will be of use to you.
- Courtesy of MaGa,
Project Fiction’s reviewer.
w (dot) projectfiction (dot)org
7/14/2010 c1 13gigglebug
I just wanted to drop a note as I was reading through WCC submissions. I always get super excited when I read your stuff, it's really fantastic! Every time your work pops up in WCC and whatnot I get excited because your writing is just so profound and wholesome. thanks!
-Sheriff
13gigglebugI just wanted to drop a note as I was reading through WCC submissions. I always get super excited when I read your stuff, it's really fantastic! Every time your work pops up in WCC and whatnot I get excited because your writing is just so profound and wholesome. thanks!
-Sheriff
7/10/2010 c1 4XxNoImaginationxX
Wow, this is such a powerful story about corrupt or maybe just ridiculous leadership. This story reminds me of two things: the Obernewtyn Chronicles as the council structure is similar, and City of Ember with the whole assigned jobs thing.
I really like the strong force you created in the council. The fear they place in the people and how overboard they go in enforcing the rules by punishing Owen's father for having just a stripe of red on his clothing. Though with all those laws I'm not sure how offensive body odour wasn't illegal.
It was great how you projected that Owen and his father were real people merely held back by laws. And that there was never any real sign of fighting back or blaming anyone until the second last line.
I loved the last line of dialogue, neatly tying of the story, sending a powerful message to the child and to anybody who may have overheard.
Overall, a really enjoyable and interesting story!
4XxNoImaginationxXWow, this is such a powerful story about corrupt or maybe just ridiculous leadership. This story reminds me of two things: the Obernewtyn Chronicles as the council structure is similar, and City of Ember with the whole assigned jobs thing.
I really like the strong force you created in the council. The fear they place in the people and how overboard they go in enforcing the rules by punishing Owen's father for having just a stripe of red on his clothing. Though with all those laws I'm not sure how offensive body odour wasn't illegal.
It was great how you projected that Owen and his father were real people merely held back by laws. And that there was never any real sign of fighting back or blaming anyone until the second last line.
I loved the last line of dialogue, neatly tying of the story, sending a powerful message to the child and to anybody who may have overheard.
Overall, a really enjoyable and interesting story!
7/9/2010 c1 siriusmuggle
Great story, very thought-provoking! I liked that you added the bit at the end, or I could see people misinterpreting it and thinking how awful the 10 Commandments (and God) are. That's what people would like to believe, but it really is humans' spin, and I thought that came across. It reminded me of Congress trying to fit everything into the "general welfare" clause and taking care of us during war actually, but I'm very into politics lately, thanks to Ron Paul. :) It also reminded me of '1984' but I thought it was disturbing how the characters were OK with it (at first) and thought it was for their good and all that, unlike Winston Smith. Of course, in '1984' not too many people think like Winston, or at least act on it. Sad... Thank God for His grace. :) Keep up the great work! It made me think! :)
Great story, very thought-provoking! I liked that you added the bit at the end, or I could see people misinterpreting it and thinking how awful the 10 Commandments (and God) are. That's what people would like to believe, but it really is humans' spin, and I thought that came across. It reminded me of Congress trying to fit everything into the "general welfare" clause and taking care of us during war actually, but I'm very into politics lately, thanks to Ron Paul. :) It also reminded me of '1984' but I thought it was disturbing how the characters were OK with it (at first) and thought it was for their good and all that, unlike Winston Smith. Of course, in '1984' not too many people think like Winston, or at least act on it. Sad... Thank God for His grace. :) Keep up the great work! It made me think! :)
7/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
I like how you made the father and son truly human, and not just robot-like, at the beginning. Although they follow the laws, little details like mussing the son's hair and dealing with the smelly man made me relate to them and think of them as people instead of clones living in a futuristic world.
You also gave a pretty powerful message at the end, and in the end I like Owen's father, not because he opposed the oppression, per se, but because he believed in something with all his heart throughout the piece, even if that something changed during the story.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
21Sercus KaynineI like how you made the father and son truly human, and not just robot-like, at the beginning. Although they follow the laws, little details like mussing the son's hair and dealing with the smelly man made me relate to them and think of them as people instead of clones living in a futuristic world.
You also gave a pretty powerful message at the end, and in the end I like Owen's father, not because he opposed the oppression, per se, but because he believed in something with all his heart throughout the piece, even if that something changed during the story.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
7/7/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
This had a nice creepy feel to it. It reminded me of a cross between The Lottery and Brave New World. Of all things, I think I loved Owen's broken shoelace the most in this story. It's not a detail most people would think of in a situation like this and focusing on so mundane a problem just made it more realistic. Overall, an interesting piece. :)
63RedactedNoLongerWritingThis had a nice creepy feel to it. It reminded me of a cross between The Lottery and Brave New World. Of all things, I think I loved Owen's broken shoelace the most in this story. It's not a detail most people would think of in a situation like this and focusing on so mundane a problem just made it more realistic. Overall, an interesting piece. :)
7/5/2010 c1 12lianoid
Whoa, some serious society restrictions you have here. Damn. I’ve only read a little bit of it and I’m already enthralled.
I'm glad I don't live back then.
-Personal: This sentence works, but I think it might sound better if he said “I’m glad I *didn’t* live back then.”
I can’t remember which story I read that this reminds me of (in the sense of designated jobs), but I’m sure there were a few, actually. I like how you’ve added all of these laws and strict behavioural requirements, though. I thought that part was unique, and I even like the formal tone to the piece. At first, I was going to suggest using contractions, but the more I read, the more I realized they probably had speech laws as well. This piece is incredibly well thought out and it definitely shows. Everything reads smoothly and I never found myself confused or drifting. Excellent job with that.
Law number 1531 is so extreme! Oh my god. And the ending? My goodness! Shivers. Lots and lots of shivers. Holy crap. Wow. I’m just... yeah, this piece is good! The second last line was amazing, and then you following it up with the stoning and that was really the icing on the cake. Amazing job with this piece, I really, really liked it. Best of luck in this month’s WCC. =)
12lianoidWhoa, some serious society restrictions you have here. Damn. I’ve only read a little bit of it and I’m already enthralled.
I'm glad I don't live back then.
-Personal: This sentence works, but I think it might sound better if he said “I’m glad I *didn’t* live back then.”
I can’t remember which story I read that this reminds me of (in the sense of designated jobs), but I’m sure there were a few, actually. I like how you’ve added all of these laws and strict behavioural requirements, though. I thought that part was unique, and I even like the formal tone to the piece. At first, I was going to suggest using contractions, but the more I read, the more I realized they probably had speech laws as well. This piece is incredibly well thought out and it definitely shows. Everything reads smoothly and I never found myself confused or drifting. Excellent job with that.
Law number 1531 is so extreme! Oh my god. And the ending? My goodness! Shivers. Lots and lots of shivers. Holy crap. Wow. I’m just... yeah, this piece is good! The second last line was amazing, and then you following it up with the stoning and that was really the icing on the cake. Amazing job with this piece, I really, really liked it. Best of luck in this month’s WCC. =)