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for Promises Broken, Promises Kept

7/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Oh, a more mysterious take on the prompt. I think I understood it at the end: something along Lea Ai's interpretation. I think you could've made a few connections a bit more obvious.

The piece was well-written and kept me on the edge of my seat.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
7/7/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
I'll be honest here and say I have absolutely no idea what's going on in this story. I understand it's intentionally vague but I think it's too vague for it's own good. It's a pity because it's pretty well-written, but it just doesn't convey the information correctly, in my opinion. The scenes were interesting but at the end of each one I had to wonder 'so what?'. How do they all connect? Maybe I'm just really dense today. :)
7/5/2010 c1 8Lea Ai
All right, I must confess that I was a little confused by this. But after reading it a few times, I think I understand now. If I got it right, then it is very cleverly written with a unique fatherly role reversal. If I got it wrong, then I am completely confused :-D. So, after reading it a few times, I think what happened is that Dean's family was in the mafia or something like that and that Dean's uncle was a priest. The italics was the flashback to his mom's funeral and his uncle's death. His father was unhappy with his choice to become a priest, but in the end he did it anyway to keep the promise with his uncle. Did I get that right? Interesting piece. Good luck in WCC!
7/5/2010 c1 12lianoid
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Son?" His father asked.

-Edit: Lowercase “His”.

Dean, who was five years old at the time, had thoughtfully said to his father what he wanted to be when he grows up.

-Edit: Change “said” to “told” and if you’re saying “grows up” to reflect the age of Dean, I would put it in quotation marks.

His father sighed. Well, He pats his son's head. He'll grow up.

-Edit: You’re changing tenses here. Change “pats” to “patted” and change the comma after “Well” to a period.

Dean removes his glasses, and faces the petite girl.

-Edit: Tense mix-up again. Change “removes” to “removed”.

Flustered, she pokes his shoulder.

-Edit: Another tense change. This will be the last one I point out. I suggest coming back and polishing your tenses. (Change “pokes” to “poked”). I’m actually not sure which tense you’re meaning to use; I think you want the “pokes, removes, et cetera” present tense use. In that case, I still suggest coming back and cleaning this up. (The very first line you say “his father asked” which is why I assumed “pokes, et cetera” was the wrong tense. I know that the first scene is in past, but even at the end of that scene, you say “he past his son’s head” which is why I’m confused as to which tense you want to use).


-Eww. Use only one exclamation mark please. =P

The company is currently-"

-Edit: You need an em dash (the longer one) when someone is being cut off. I just learned this rule, so I’m not trying to be nitpicky. I’m just saying.

Dean politely says while attempting to clean up the coffee his father threw to his feet about a second ago

-Personal: I really don’t like it when writers do this. If his father threw something at his feet a few seconds ago, I would rather read about the action in progress, rather than a follow up line about an action we had no idea happened. 

"You're mother wouldn't have approved of this as well."

-Edit: Change “You’re” to “Your”, place a comma after “this” and I might change “as well” to “either”.

"He's late again." The boy mutters.

-Edit: Change the period inside the dialogue to a period, and change “The” to “the”.

A tall, burly man approaches the boy, and wraps around him his scarf.

-Edit?: remove the second comma.


-Please, only one.

Unfortunately I *did* find this rather confusing. I have no idea what the hell happened. I mean, I understand the basic actions, but I can’t seem to piece everything together. I’m also not a huge fan of all the scene changes; I find it doesn’t do much for the story. You still have a couple of days to come back to this and clean it up, though. With some careful revision, I think you could pull this together. Best of luck in WCC.

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