for Domain of Power2/24/2012 c28 Hannah
Oh my word. This chapter is so heart wrenching. You did really well. :)
Poor Romeos. He's an amazing guy, trying to get Troy into less trouble by claiming he thought up the plan and Troy only followed.
The part where you flash back to the tribunal was really brilliant. It had me teary eyed, first because of Romeos being sentenced to death (I was literally yelling at the screen, telling them they weren't allowed to kill him) and secondly because I realized just how close Troy came to the same fate. It really hit home that his father was extremely close to having him killed. Man, the end of the chapter had me crying, too! Poor, poor Troy.
Oh my word. This chapter is so heart wrenching. You did really well. :)
Poor Romeos. He's an amazing guy, trying to get Troy into less trouble by claiming he thought up the plan and Troy only followed.
The part where you flash back to the tribunal was really brilliant. It had me teary eyed, first because of Romeos being sentenced to death (I was literally yelling at the screen, telling them they weren't allowed to kill him) and secondly because I realized just how close Troy came to the same fate. It really hit home that his father was extremely close to having him killed. Man, the end of the chapter had me crying, too! Poor, poor Troy.
8/17/2011 c15 
3ShortcakeMattie
Aw. Poor Romeos and Troy. :( It hurts to grow apart from a friend.
Oooh... so their fathers are on the blacklist. That would make things difficult.
Silus is a little brat. I don't trust him. Maybe he's related to Gaius because of how much I dislike him? XD Just kidding.
Oh lovely. Gaius has arrived. What trouble is he going to stir up now?
"Just then a young man with a similar countenance as Barbarius walked in our presence." - Barbarius has a look alike? Don't know if I should be alarmed by this or not. :/
Oh, so Maximus is Gaius's son. If I understand correctly, he's the one who looks like Barbarius?
-
For a brief moment Romeos looked my direction only to look quickly away.
Edit: For a brief moment, Romeos looked my direction, only to look quickly away.
-
"I believe you Troy. Although I would believe you more if you could battle with me on the mat like I showed Julius."
Edit: "I believe you, Troy. Although, I would believe you more if you could battle with me on the mat like I showed Julius."
-Mattie
3ShortcakeMattieAw. Poor Romeos and Troy. :( It hurts to grow apart from a friend.
Oooh... so their fathers are on the blacklist. That would make things difficult.
Silus is a little brat. I don't trust him. Maybe he's related to Gaius because of how much I dislike him? XD Just kidding.
Oh lovely. Gaius has arrived. What trouble is he going to stir up now?
"Just then a young man with a similar countenance as Barbarius walked in our presence." - Barbarius has a look alike? Don't know if I should be alarmed by this or not. :/
Oh, so Maximus is Gaius's son. If I understand correctly, he's the one who looks like Barbarius?
-
For a brief moment Romeos looked my direction only to look quickly away.
Edit: For a brief moment, Romeos looked my direction, only to look quickly away.
-
"I believe you Troy. Although I would believe you more if you could battle with me on the mat like I showed Julius."
Edit: "I believe you, Troy. Although, I would believe you more if you could battle with me on the mat like I showed Julius."
-Mattie
8/16/2011 c14 ShortcakeMattie
It was just a dream? Nicely done. You had me fooled. I still don't trust Gaius though.
The paragraph were Troy was giving his testimony was hard to read. I would suggest breaking it up into several shorter paragraphs. That way you don't have one HUGE chunk to read.
I agree completely with the angry lady who said Gaius is the murderer. He needs to get caught.
By the way, I love your last sentence. It's eerie and powerful, and also sums up the chapter quite nicely.
-Mattie
It was just a dream? Nicely done. You had me fooled. I still don't trust Gaius though.
The paragraph were Troy was giving his testimony was hard to read. I would suggest breaking it up into several shorter paragraphs. That way you don't have one HUGE chunk to read.
I agree completely with the angry lady who said Gaius is the murderer. He needs to get caught.
By the way, I love your last sentence. It's eerie and powerful, and also sums up the chapter quite nicely.
-Mattie
8/16/2011 c13 ShortcakeMattie
I thought the first part between Troy and Apollus was heavily focused on dialogue. I would suggest adding more details. But I also do this from time to time in my stories too when there's a lot of dialogue. :)
Apollus is being quite difficult, isn't he? Brothers can be so frustrating sometimes. I just hope he and Barbarius don't end up killing each other as their grandfather predicted. I like Barbarius and would be upset if he died.
Hmmm... I wonder what's going on with Helen's journal. Did something happen to one of the boys?
I KNEW GAIUS SHOULDN'T BE TRUSTED! DX
-
"Perhaps you will if I tell father."
Edit: "Perhaps you will if I tell Father."
-
Thankfully father already left before I got there, so there was one less person to answer to, yet grandfather was finishing up while Apollus was still reclining on the couch.
Edit: Thankfully Father already...yet Grandfather was finishing...
-
"So how are you Troy?" grandfather asked. "I did not see you yesterday evening."
Edit: "So, how are you, Troy?" Grandfather asked.
Not sure about the second comma before Troy. I think it sounds alright without it... but as I said before not entirely sure.
-
"Troy let us not stir anymore contention. You brothers need to work out your problems or else."
Edit: "Troy, let us not stir anymore contention. Your brothers need to work out their problems or else."
-
Hope my review helps. :)
-Mattie
I thought the first part between Troy and Apollus was heavily focused on dialogue. I would suggest adding more details. But I also do this from time to time in my stories too when there's a lot of dialogue. :)
Apollus is being quite difficult, isn't he? Brothers can be so frustrating sometimes. I just hope he and Barbarius don't end up killing each other as their grandfather predicted. I like Barbarius and would be upset if he died.
Hmmm... I wonder what's going on with Helen's journal. Did something happen to one of the boys?
I KNEW GAIUS SHOULDN'T BE TRUSTED! DX
-
"Perhaps you will if I tell father."
Edit: "Perhaps you will if I tell Father."
-
Thankfully father already left before I got there, so there was one less person to answer to, yet grandfather was finishing up while Apollus was still reclining on the couch.
Edit: Thankfully Father already...yet Grandfather was finishing...
-
"So how are you Troy?" grandfather asked. "I did not see you yesterday evening."
Edit: "So, how are you, Troy?" Grandfather asked.
Not sure about the second comma before Troy. I think it sounds alright without it... but as I said before not entirely sure.
-
"Troy let us not stir anymore contention. You brothers need to work out your problems or else."
Edit: "Troy, let us not stir anymore contention. Your brothers need to work out their problems or else."
-
Hope my review helps. :)
-Mattie
8/11/2011 c12 ShortcakeMattie
This just might be me; but I talked with you before about something happening between Troy and the servant girl. I think I sense some romantic feelings...but I could very well be wrong. Troy seems very attached to Priscilla though.
The firefly scene was cute.
O.O Uh-oh. Their hiding spot has been discovered!
The Hide-and-Seek part... was that supposed to be a separate chapter?
At first I thought the person who possibly found them was the Severus guy. But it's her fiance. Which still isn't good.
I don't like Priscilla's fiance at all. :{
-
Just when I was about almost 50 paces away I accidentally knocked the jar where the firefly was trapped.
Edit: I would suggest writing out fifty instead of 50.
-
"He just became a man at 16," she said sharply.
Edit: Same as above :)
-Mattie
This just might be me; but I talked with you before about something happening between Troy and the servant girl. I think I sense some romantic feelings...but I could very well be wrong. Troy seems very attached to Priscilla though.
The firefly scene was cute.
O.O Uh-oh. Their hiding spot has been discovered!
The Hide-and-Seek part... was that supposed to be a separate chapter?
At first I thought the person who possibly found them was the Severus guy. But it's her fiance. Which still isn't good.
I don't like Priscilla's fiance at all. :{
-
Just when I was about almost 50 paces away I accidentally knocked the jar where the firefly was trapped.
Edit: I would suggest writing out fifty instead of 50.
-
"He just became a man at 16," she said sharply.
Edit: Same as above :)
-Mattie
8/11/2011 c11 ShortcakeMattie
Hey Scriber08! Sorry I haven't reviewed in awhile.
""My bed!" Apollus shrieked.—I quickly walked down the long hallway which seemed to last forever. My heart was racing faster, not knowing what to expect when I entered the room." - Huh? You suddenly switch from third person to first. I would suggest adding a better transition. :)
Aw. Poor Barbarius. You can tell how sorry he is for his actions.
I like the conversation between Barbarius and Troy in the hall. It's heartbreaking especially with Troy's line "You cannot leave. Not now. I just finally had my big brother come back into my life." I have a similar scene in one of my stories, just made me think of that.
Troy's dream about the firefly incident was bittersweet. I liked it though, reminds you of the calm beginning.
Hmmm. This Gaius Severus is an interesting fellow. I don't think I trust him. Is he possibly the man who tried to kill Troy?
-
As he slowly walked past Apollus bedroom he could not help but pause at the doorway with the door cracked open.
Edit: As he slowly walked past Apollus's... or Apollus'?
-
He gently dragged Apollus limp body across the floor away from the billowing smoke.
Edit: Same as above.
-
"What; you do not want to kill me?" Apollus said sarcastically.
Edit: "What, you do not want to kill me?"
-
Barbarius stood with his jaws tightly clenched.
Edit: Barbarius stood with his jaw tightly clenched.
-
"Save it Troy if you came to remind me how much I failed," he said sharply as he continued to pull out the drawers of his chest to bring out his belongings.
Edit: "Save it, Troy. If you came..." or "Save it, Troy; if you came..."
-
"It should go well with you Troy. All of us have gone through what you are about to do; the procession to the forum, the sacrifice, and the dinner party." Apollus said twirling his piece of bread in his hands.
Edit: "It should go well with you, Troy..."
-
"Congratulations Troy," he said in a calm tone while extending his hand to shake mines.
Edit: "Congratulations Troy," he said in a calm tone while extending his hand to shake mine.
-Mattie
Hey Scriber08! Sorry I haven't reviewed in awhile.
""My bed!" Apollus shrieked.—I quickly walked down the long hallway which seemed to last forever. My heart was racing faster, not knowing what to expect when I entered the room." - Huh? You suddenly switch from third person to first. I would suggest adding a better transition. :)
Aw. Poor Barbarius. You can tell how sorry he is for his actions.
I like the conversation between Barbarius and Troy in the hall. It's heartbreaking especially with Troy's line "You cannot leave. Not now. I just finally had my big brother come back into my life." I have a similar scene in one of my stories, just made me think of that.
Troy's dream about the firefly incident was bittersweet. I liked it though, reminds you of the calm beginning.
Hmmm. This Gaius Severus is an interesting fellow. I don't think I trust him. Is he possibly the man who tried to kill Troy?
-
As he slowly walked past Apollus bedroom he could not help but pause at the doorway with the door cracked open.
Edit: As he slowly walked past Apollus's... or Apollus'?
-
He gently dragged Apollus limp body across the floor away from the billowing smoke.
Edit: Same as above.
-
"What; you do not want to kill me?" Apollus said sarcastically.
Edit: "What, you do not want to kill me?"
-
Barbarius stood with his jaws tightly clenched.
Edit: Barbarius stood with his jaw tightly clenched.
-
"Save it Troy if you came to remind me how much I failed," he said sharply as he continued to pull out the drawers of his chest to bring out his belongings.
Edit: "Save it, Troy. If you came..." or "Save it, Troy; if you came..."
-
"It should go well with you Troy. All of us have gone through what you are about to do; the procession to the forum, the sacrifice, and the dinner party." Apollus said twirling his piece of bread in his hands.
Edit: "It should go well with you, Troy..."
-
"Congratulations Troy," he said in a calm tone while extending his hand to shake mines.
Edit: "Congratulations Troy," he said in a calm tone while extending his hand to shake mine.
-Mattie
7/10/2011 c10 ShortcakeMattie
I don't trust Gaius. At all. His conversation with Barbarius made me feel uneasy. Maybe he has something to do with the rider that chased Troy?
"Hello Apollus. So nice to see your lady friend. I expected you to come help me with the investigation briefing. But it looks like you are doing your own inspecting." - Despite the seriousness of this scene, this line made me giggle.
The tension between the Barbarius and Apollus keeps on growing in this chapter, which I thought you wrote nicely. As the chapter drew to a close, I had a feeling they would argue.
-Mattie
I don't trust Gaius. At all. His conversation with Barbarius made me feel uneasy. Maybe he has something to do with the rider that chased Troy?
"Hello Apollus. So nice to see your lady friend. I expected you to come help me with the investigation briefing. But it looks like you are doing your own inspecting." - Despite the seriousness of this scene, this line made me giggle.
The tension between the Barbarius and Apollus keeps on growing in this chapter, which I thought you wrote nicely. As the chapter drew to a close, I had a feeling they would argue.
-Mattie
7/10/2011 c9 ShortcakeMattie
So Barbarius is back now. I'm not sure if I trust him though. You created some doubt in me when Troy mistook him for the rider that tried to kill him Don't know if you meant that or not.
The scene between Apollus and Barbarius made me uneasy too. Obviously, tempers and hurt feelings still make things tense between long lost brothers. Although, I don't blmae Apollus since he's just been given the chance to be king and now his older brother's returned who could take that position away from him.
-
"I am not here to start trouble Apollus," He said sternly.
Edit: "I am not here to start trouble, Apollus," he said sternly.
-
An hour later grandfather arrived and was thrilled beyond joy to see Barbarius as he hugged him and kissed him tenderly. Moments later, father would receive the news he had always hoped. As father slowly walked in he looked around and saw the tall young fellow staring at him.
Edit: An hour later, Grandfather... Father would... As Father slowly walked in, he looked around and saw the tall young fellow staring at him.
-Mattie
So Barbarius is back now. I'm not sure if I trust him though. You created some doubt in me when Troy mistook him for the rider that tried to kill him Don't know if you meant that or not.
The scene between Apollus and Barbarius made me uneasy too. Obviously, tempers and hurt feelings still make things tense between long lost brothers. Although, I don't blmae Apollus since he's just been given the chance to be king and now his older brother's returned who could take that position away from him.
-
"I am not here to start trouble Apollus," He said sternly.
Edit: "I am not here to start trouble, Apollus," he said sternly.
-
An hour later grandfather arrived and was thrilled beyond joy to see Barbarius as he hugged him and kissed him tenderly. Moments later, father would receive the news he had always hoped. As father slowly walked in he looked around and saw the tall young fellow staring at him.
Edit: An hour later, Grandfather... Father would... As Father slowly walked in, he looked around and saw the tall young fellow staring at him.
-Mattie
7/10/2011 c8 ShortcakeMattie
Another great chapter. Priscilla sounds like an interesting character. I wonder what her history with Troy is too. Also, his plan with Alexander to remember Troy's memories sounds promising and I hope it works!
-
"This is it Troy. This is where I found you," with his voice growing shaky.
Edit: "This is it, Troy..."
-
"The horse must have been frightened by either something or someone. I heard you say that someone was chasing you just as you were approaching the gate. It happened so quick that I did not even see the horse or its rider. Then an eerie feeling took over me. As I closed my eyes the dreams that had haunted me were coming to the fore in my mind. The mysterious rider with his long face and piercing gray eyes that had chased me in my dreams had burned into my consciousness again.
Edit: I think you meant to quotation marks after "...It happened so quick that I did not even see the horse or its rider."
-Mattie
Another great chapter. Priscilla sounds like an interesting character. I wonder what her history with Troy is too. Also, his plan with Alexander to remember Troy's memories sounds promising and I hope it works!
-
"This is it Troy. This is where I found you," with his voice growing shaky.
Edit: "This is it, Troy..."
-
"The horse must have been frightened by either something or someone. I heard you say that someone was chasing you just as you were approaching the gate. It happened so quick that I did not even see the horse or its rider. Then an eerie feeling took over me. As I closed my eyes the dreams that had haunted me were coming to the fore in my mind. The mysterious rider with his long face and piercing gray eyes that had chased me in my dreams had burned into my consciousness again.
Edit: I think you meant to quotation marks after "...It happened so quick that I did not even see the horse or its rider."
-Mattie
7/10/2011 c7 ShortcakeMattie
"For the first time, I was truly grateful to be alive and grew a stronger desire by the day to not only live, but thrive." - Nothing wrong with this sentence, just wanted to point it out because I love it. It really summarizes Troy's struggle and his determination, but also shows that he's hopeful for the future.
Of all the people to witness Troy's first steps, I'm glad it was the servant girl. I hope we learn her name soon. But anyway, I'm glad it was her because she seems to be the one who is most supportive. At least, since she's been there for him longer than his family and friends.
The ending was bittersweet too. I'm glad his Grandfather and Apollus celebrated Troy's accomplishment.
-
"Troy that was some daydream you were entertaining," he laughed waving a hand in front of my face.
Edit: "Troy, that was some daydream you were entertaining..."
-
"I am well. I just fell nothing more."
Edit: "I am well. I just fell, nothing more."
-
"You have come a long way Troy. You made it to the door and back."
Edit: "You have come a long way, Troy..."
-
I decided to surprise Apollus and grandfather with the news. I slowly trudged down the atrium where they were sitting. Apollus eyes widened with disbelief while grandfather beamed with joy.
Edit: I decided to surprise Apollus and Grandfather... while Grandfather beamed with joy.
-
"You have come a long way," grandfather whispered in my ear. During the embrace I could not help but wonder where father was these past several days and when he would come home to see me walk. As grandfather released me he looked intently at my eyes.
Edit: ...Grandfather whispered in my ear... where Father was... As Grandfather released me, he looked intently at my eyes.
-
"I am more than happy of the progress I have made. I just wish father could be here and see it." I said regretfully.
Edit: "...I just wish Father could be here and see it..."
-Mattie
"For the first time, I was truly grateful to be alive and grew a stronger desire by the day to not only live, but thrive." - Nothing wrong with this sentence, just wanted to point it out because I love it. It really summarizes Troy's struggle and his determination, but also shows that he's hopeful for the future.
Of all the people to witness Troy's first steps, I'm glad it was the servant girl. I hope we learn her name soon. But anyway, I'm glad it was her because she seems to be the one who is most supportive. At least, since she's been there for him longer than his family and friends.
The ending was bittersweet too. I'm glad his Grandfather and Apollus celebrated Troy's accomplishment.
-
"Troy that was some daydream you were entertaining," he laughed waving a hand in front of my face.
Edit: "Troy, that was some daydream you were entertaining..."
-
"I am well. I just fell nothing more."
Edit: "I am well. I just fell, nothing more."
-
"You have come a long way Troy. You made it to the door and back."
Edit: "You have come a long way, Troy..."
-
I decided to surprise Apollus and grandfather with the news. I slowly trudged down the atrium where they were sitting. Apollus eyes widened with disbelief while grandfather beamed with joy.
Edit: I decided to surprise Apollus and Grandfather... while Grandfather beamed with joy.
-
"You have come a long way," grandfather whispered in my ear. During the embrace I could not help but wonder where father was these past several days and when he would come home to see me walk. As grandfather released me he looked intently at my eyes.
Edit: ...Grandfather whispered in my ear... where Father was... As Grandfather released me, he looked intently at my eyes.
-
"I am more than happy of the progress I have made. I just wish father could be here and see it." I said regretfully.
Edit: "...I just wish Father could be here and see it..."
-Mattie
7/10/2011 c6 ShortcakeMattie
Hey! Sorry it's been so long since I've reviewed. I've been meaning to read your story and find out how Troy's doing.
The dream sequence in the beginning was well written and I thought it set an eerie tone for the chapter, or at least that's what I thought. :)
The servant girl is back! I still wonder what their relationship was before the accident though. She seems kind and sweet. Maybe a love interest or good friend?
Poor Troy. I can't help but feel for him when he finds out that he can't be king because he isn't "competent."
I am cheering for Troy and I hope he can walk again! I will keep my fingers crossed for him! Go Troy!
-
"I am sorry Troy. I went too far again. I am certain I am not making you feel any better with taking light of the situation. I should have known by know you are highly sensitive."
Edit: "I am sorry, Troy... I should have known by now you are highly sensitive."
-
"It takes time. Miracles do not take place over night. But what will make your recovery quicker is if you do not always feel sorry for yourself. I will see you later Troy. Hope you get better."
Edit: "...I will see you later, Troy..."
-
"Are you well Troy?" the servant girl asked.
Edit: "Are you well, Troy?"
-Mattie
Hey! Sorry it's been so long since I've reviewed. I've been meaning to read your story and find out how Troy's doing.
The dream sequence in the beginning was well written and I thought it set an eerie tone for the chapter, or at least that's what I thought. :)
The servant girl is back! I still wonder what their relationship was before the accident though. She seems kind and sweet. Maybe a love interest or good friend?
Poor Troy. I can't help but feel for him when he finds out that he can't be king because he isn't "competent."
I am cheering for Troy and I hope he can walk again! I will keep my fingers crossed for him! Go Troy!
-
"I am sorry Troy. I went too far again. I am certain I am not making you feel any better with taking light of the situation. I should have known by know you are highly sensitive."
Edit: "I am sorry, Troy... I should have known by now you are highly sensitive."
-
"It takes time. Miracles do not take place over night. But what will make your recovery quicker is if you do not always feel sorry for yourself. I will see you later Troy. Hope you get better."
Edit: "...I will see you later, Troy..."
-
"Are you well Troy?" the servant girl asked.
Edit: "Are you well, Troy?"
-Mattie
7/7/2011 c4 4InkedSoul
I think this is the best chapter so far (:
Now I'm extremely curious as to what's going to happen next. I have a million unanswered questions. You sure know how to keep your readers on the edge of their seats!
So how exactly was Troy the first one to realize that something happened to his brother? Does he have some sort of connection to him? The suspense kills me but I have to say you pulled off the foreshadowing in the beginning cleverly.
Anyway, I'm glad that Troy is finally recovering and that they're trying to help him regain his memory. Although Apollus' strange behavior still disturbs me, especially when his brother is hurt. He seems very insensitive.
A few mistakes:
-The crew of 63 was in the mercy of the sea.
Edit: change "was" to "were and "in" to "at"
-I now found myself on the sinking ship whereas I was merely watching from afar the disaster unravel.
Edit: This sentence completely threw me off. I don't exactly understand what you're trying to say. Maybe try rewording it a bit better?
- As I lied in bed with wide eyes
Edit: "lay" instead of "lied"
- ...by the gate. It was nothing you could do.
Edit: change "it" to "there"
Apollus[,] with a bewildered look etched across his face[,] walked off.
I try to push aside Apollus['] peculiar behavior
As the slave arrived with a silver platter of food[,] I just stared at it blankly.
I think you are building up the suspense in the story expertly. The ending was perfect. And the dialogue improved!
Keep up the good work!
~Idare
4InkedSoulI think this is the best chapter so far (:
Now I'm extremely curious as to what's going to happen next. I have a million unanswered questions. You sure know how to keep your readers on the edge of their seats!
So how exactly was Troy the first one to realize that something happened to his brother? Does he have some sort of connection to him? The suspense kills me but I have to say you pulled off the foreshadowing in the beginning cleverly.
Anyway, I'm glad that Troy is finally recovering and that they're trying to help him regain his memory. Although Apollus' strange behavior still disturbs me, especially when his brother is hurt. He seems very insensitive.
A few mistakes:
-The crew of 63 was in the mercy of the sea.
Edit: change "was" to "were and "in" to "at"
-I now found myself on the sinking ship whereas I was merely watching from afar the disaster unravel.
Edit: This sentence completely threw me off. I don't exactly understand what you're trying to say. Maybe try rewording it a bit better?
- As I lied in bed with wide eyes
Edit: "lay" instead of "lied"
- ...by the gate. It was nothing you could do.
Edit: change "it" to "there"
Apollus[,] with a bewildered look etched across his face[,] walked off.
I try to push aside Apollus['] peculiar behavior
As the slave arrived with a silver platter of food[,] I just stared at it blankly.
I think you are building up the suspense in the story expertly. The ending was perfect. And the dialogue improved!
Keep up the good work!
~Idare
7/7/2011 c3 InkedSoul
Hello from the Roadhouse!
Well I didn't realize that I had read this story before until I pressed the 'review this chapter' button and was rejected the opportunity of submitting a review. But I see that you have improved since the last time I've read it! The plot is moving forward at a nice pace and now that Troy has finally woken up, I wonder exactly how he is going to serve any purpose in the story, considering he doesn't remembering anything and he can't walk. All his family seems to be there to support him though, besides his brother. I don't know why Apollus hates him so much, maybe I forgot something from the last chapters or maybe the reason for his hatred is going to be explained in future chapters.
Now although I think that this story has a lot of potential, there are some things that you could improve on and tweak a little. I think I've mentioned this before but the dialogue seems a bit awkward at places. It's not a constant thing but only in certain places, particularly when the father or the grandfather is speaking. It's really not a huge deal but it personally sucks me out of the story because it makes me go back and think 'wait, does that sound right?". You can go back and revise it but it's a personal thing, I don't think anybody else has complained about it so it's not a major problem.
Anyway I found a few mistakes:
-I could see their faces light up from joy over seeing me wake up...
Edit: this sounded weird to me, why not say light up "with" joy instead of "from" joy?
-His face grew worry, but..
Edit: change" worry" to "worried"
-"What do mean she is not coming back,"
Edit: I don't know if the comma is an exception but I thought there should be a question mark after this.
-I pulled the sheets off of me
Edit: Remove "of"
-Aww!" I cried out.
Edit: When I see the word "aw" it is usually associated with pity or sympathy, not pain. Maybe change it to Ouch, Ow? etc.
-I looked in disbelief at my twisted ankles that lay twisted from the fall.
Edit: Remove the first twisted
-As my eyes glistened with tears[,] I looked back into the caring eyes...
- Aww! With teeth clenched,
Edit: Same thing here, try using another word.
-I looked longing at
Edit: longingly not longing
-"Are you done using it Troy,"
Edit: Again I don't know if it applies as an exception but I think there should be a question mark not a comma
Anyway, overall I think the whole backstory and all the characters were nicely introduced. There were some parts that got me a little confused. For example when he smashed the mirror but two seconds later it was still in his hands. I didn't really get that part. I don't maybe he imagined smashing it? But other than that I think the chapter was nicely done and the amnesia phase was nicely executed. Good job with this chapter! I'm on to the next one! (:
~Idare
Hello from the Roadhouse!
Well I didn't realize that I had read this story before until I pressed the 'review this chapter' button and was rejected the opportunity of submitting a review. But I see that you have improved since the last time I've read it! The plot is moving forward at a nice pace and now that Troy has finally woken up, I wonder exactly how he is going to serve any purpose in the story, considering he doesn't remembering anything and he can't walk. All his family seems to be there to support him though, besides his brother. I don't know why Apollus hates him so much, maybe I forgot something from the last chapters or maybe the reason for his hatred is going to be explained in future chapters.
Now although I think that this story has a lot of potential, there are some things that you could improve on and tweak a little. I think I've mentioned this before but the dialogue seems a bit awkward at places. It's not a constant thing but only in certain places, particularly when the father or the grandfather is speaking. It's really not a huge deal but it personally sucks me out of the story because it makes me go back and think 'wait, does that sound right?". You can go back and revise it but it's a personal thing, I don't think anybody else has complained about it so it's not a major problem.
Anyway I found a few mistakes:
-I could see their faces light up from joy over seeing me wake up...
Edit: this sounded weird to me, why not say light up "with" joy instead of "from" joy?
-His face grew worry, but..
Edit: change" worry" to "worried"
-"What do mean she is not coming back,"
Edit: I don't know if the comma is an exception but I thought there should be a question mark after this.
-I pulled the sheets off of me
Edit: Remove "of"
-Aww!" I cried out.
Edit: When I see the word "aw" it is usually associated with pity or sympathy, not pain. Maybe change it to Ouch, Ow? etc.
-I looked in disbelief at my twisted ankles that lay twisted from the fall.
Edit: Remove the first twisted
-As my eyes glistened with tears[,] I looked back into the caring eyes...
- Aww! With teeth clenched,
Edit: Same thing here, try using another word.
-I looked longing at
Edit: longingly not longing
-"Are you done using it Troy,"
Edit: Again I don't know if it applies as an exception but I think there should be a question mark not a comma
Anyway, overall I think the whole backstory and all the characters were nicely introduced. There were some parts that got me a little confused. For example when he smashed the mirror but two seconds later it was still in his hands. I didn't really get that part. I don't maybe he imagined smashing it? But other than that I think the chapter was nicely done and the amnesia phase was nicely executed. Good job with this chapter! I'm on to the next one! (:
~Idare
6/30/2011 c5 3ShortcakeMattie
Slowly I opened my eyes and slowly pulled myself from off the sheets.
Edit: You say "slowly" twice in one sentence. It sounds awkward. Maybe try "Slowly, I opened my eyes and pulled myself from off the sheets."?
-
I cautiously planted my right foot on the ground, then the right foot.
Edit: I think you meant to write left foot? ;)
-
"Stop! Let go. It does not belong for you to possess!" I shouted.
Edit: "...It does not belong for you to possess!" doesn't sound right. I would suggest saying "...It doesn't belong to you..." or "It's not yours to possess!"
-
"I already got one. You are next Troy!"
Edit: "I already got one. You are next, Troy!"
-
"Troy what is the matter?" The slave girl inquired as she walked with worry etched in her brows.
Edit: "Troy, what is the matter?"
-
"I fell alright. Just do not stand there. Help me up!"
"Did you roll off the bed, because there is not a good reason for you to be on the floor?"
"I tried to get that bell and I fell."
Edit: "I fell, alright. Just don't stand there. Help me up!"
"How did you end up on the floor?"
"I fell trying to get the bell."
-
Poor Troy. Apollus is being such a jerk, but I guess he has his reasons. The dream was creepy. The man trying to take Troy's locket, was that the man who tried to kill him before?
Your last sentence is haunting and describes Troy's longing perfectly. Hope this review helped!
-Mattie
3ShortcakeMattieSlowly I opened my eyes and slowly pulled myself from off the sheets.
Edit: You say "slowly" twice in one sentence. It sounds awkward. Maybe try "Slowly, I opened my eyes and pulled myself from off the sheets."?
-
I cautiously planted my right foot on the ground, then the right foot.
Edit: I think you meant to write left foot? ;)
-
"Stop! Let go. It does not belong for you to possess!" I shouted.
Edit: "...It does not belong for you to possess!" doesn't sound right. I would suggest saying "...It doesn't belong to you..." or "It's not yours to possess!"
-
"I already got one. You are next Troy!"
Edit: "I already got one. You are next, Troy!"
-
"Troy what is the matter?" The slave girl inquired as she walked with worry etched in her brows.
Edit: "Troy, what is the matter?"
-
"I fell alright. Just do not stand there. Help me up!"
"Did you roll off the bed, because there is not a good reason for you to be on the floor?"
"I tried to get that bell and I fell."
Edit: "I fell, alright. Just don't stand there. Help me up!"
"How did you end up on the floor?"
"I fell trying to get the bell."
-
Poor Troy. Apollus is being such a jerk, but I guess he has his reasons. The dream was creepy. The man trying to take Troy's locket, was that the man who tried to kill him before?
Your last sentence is haunting and describes Troy's longing perfectly. Hope this review helped!
-Mattie
6/28/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
Ok that was an interesting prologue, I like the historical names. That poor boy, I'm not sure what happens next, buts it not good. I like the details in the chapter.
~Rose~
3Rosemarysgraden001Ok that was an interesting prologue, I like the historical names. That poor boy, I'm not sure what happens next, buts it not good. I like the details in the chapter.
~Rose~