for Falcon Amorial1/4/2011 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
Armorial ~~of or pertaining to heraldry; a book or treatise on heraldry. Is there a reason you used an extant word for the girl's last name?
He let go of me and pushed me weak body into the mud... Awkward and out of sync. 'He pushed me into the mud' is simpler and more direct.
Armorial ~~of or pertaining to heraldry; a book or treatise on heraldry. Is there a reason you used an extant word for the girl's last name?
He let go of me and pushed me weak body into the mud... Awkward and out of sync. 'He pushed me into the mud' is simpler and more direct.
1/4/2011 c7 Joker09
Ohh... so his Lordship wants Falcon to attend the party? Hmm.. something smells mysterious right there:)
Sorry my comments short! Gotta run somewhere! Can't wait to see what happens at the party though..
Ohh... so his Lordship wants Falcon to attend the party? Hmm.. something smells mysterious right there:)
Sorry my comments short! Gotta run somewhere! Can't wait to see what happens at the party though..
12/7/2010 c6 
6Curlysquirt95
This is good! I love the name Trinian, by the way. I hate to say it, but I feel things are going a little...slow. The first few chapters were great becauase there was lots of action. And now, things have died down quite a bit. :/ Update soon!
6Curlysquirt95This is good! I love the name Trinian, by the way. I hate to say it, but I feel things are going a little...slow. The first few chapters were great becauase there was lots of action. And now, things have died down quite a bit. :/ Update soon!
11/30/2010 c5 7joker09
Aw, really? A cliff-hanger? You're going to have me on the edge of my chair now:))
I'm guessing that the last voice is the guy who was previously her best friend. Oh, and was she at the castle before..? After all, she did know where the rose garden was
7joker09Aw, really? A cliff-hanger? You're going to have me on the edge of my chair now:))
I'm guessing that the last voice is the guy who was previously her best friend. Oh, and was she at the castle before..? After all, she did know where the rose garden was
11/8/2010 c4 6Curlysquirt95
I wish this chapter was a little bit longer, but still very well-written. I love the name Amra, by the way. :)
6Curlysquirt95I wish this chapter was a little bit longer, but still very well-written. I love the name Amra, by the way. :)
11/8/2010 c4 Jokester
Really? Is he all not that bad?:) Sorry, I was too lazy to log in again...
Really? Is he all not that bad?:) Sorry, I was too lazy to log in again...
11/7/2010 c4 Admins Pls Delete Me
Great chapter! Although, I do not know how she knew his father. And who is he?
Great chapter! Although, I do not know how she knew his father. And who is he?
11/6/2010 c3 Admins Pls Delete Me
Great story! I would love to read more, please? Anyways, great story!
Great story! I would love to read more, please? Anyways, great story!
11/1/2010 c3 Curlysquirt95
I love this! I love the names of the people, for sure. Please, please keep writing this! :D
I love this! I love the names of the people, for sure. Please, please keep writing this! :D
7/7/2010 c1 18Open your eyes Chopstick
"I tried to pull my arm from my captor's grip"-need a period in the end
"He renched my struggling arm behind my back until he heard a small crack and a searing bolt of excruciating pain shoot up my right arm."- period after crack. Take away "and", caps "A". It'll sound better
Okay, short chapter. And mostly dialogue. I suggest you add more discriptions. You were able to show us WHAT was happening. But what ever happened to where, when, how, ect? Feelings? How did Falcon feel? Plus, when the man said something about an offer, what was that? Talk about it. Show it. It'll be much better after that.
But, i get what you're trying to do. After the changes, it just might be good. I liked the beginning, how you started the story right at the action. Good.
Want to read my story "A Princess Summoning?"
(PS. If you need help with a summary, I'll be glad to help. Just tell me what it's about, and I could give some examples or suggestions.)
18Open your eyes Chopstick"I tried to pull my arm from my captor's grip"-need a period in the end
"He renched my struggling arm behind my back until he heard a small crack and a searing bolt of excruciating pain shoot up my right arm."- period after crack. Take away "and", caps "A". It'll sound better
Okay, short chapter. And mostly dialogue. I suggest you add more discriptions. You were able to show us WHAT was happening. But what ever happened to where, when, how, ect? Feelings? How did Falcon feel? Plus, when the man said something about an offer, what was that? Talk about it. Show it. It'll be much better after that.
But, i get what you're trying to do. After the changes, it just might be good. I liked the beginning, how you started the story right at the action. Good.
Want to read my story "A Princess Summoning?"
(PS. If you need help with a summary, I'll be glad to help. Just tell me what it's about, and I could give some examples or suggestions.)