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for The Mesmerizing Murderess

9/15/2011 c1 62YFIQ
What a twist, although the title gave away much of the suspense but still, what was looking to be a rape ends up in a way no one can expect.

Stalker tries to rape and gets stabbed.

Now that's creepy.

It may be asking a bit much but could you please check out "Tales from the whatever"?

Just want to know your take.
5/15/2011 c1 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Ahem...the touching love story of a creepy stalker guy and the even creepier girl he stalks.

It was touching, in a scary sort of way (which you intended thus the horror genre :D)

All the editing grammar/word choice issues have been picked up by prior reviewers, so I just wanna ask this question.

Did she kill her parents?

Or did her parents kill each other?

~ Daphne
5/15/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
I like it, its definetly kinky! I think that you kind of saw it coming, but yet you didnt.

5/15/2011 c1 18Luna Carn
And I thought the guy was creepy, with all his incessant questioning. Then the girl turns out to be even creepier and murders him. Well, I guess he wasn't that great a guy anyway. Anyway, nice job with this. It was scary all the way through (in the good way, of course).
5/5/2011 c1 3ShortcakeMattie
"What do you want? Stalking me again, are you?" she said, slightly angrily, It was starting to get old, for Black Eyed Peas' sake!

Edit: "...slightly angrily. It was..."

"Aw, don't be like that. I love you! Here, I even got you this," he said, handing her a Lily.

Edit: "...handing her a lily."

She arched her neck sideways slightly and found herself frozen, unable to move, much less breath, and she had an ever lesser chance of returning the favor to him.

Edit: "...much less breathe..."

The ending was intense! I liked the twist you added in. I was confused on the part about her parents though and didn't really think it really added anything to the story. I know this is a one shot, but if you were to add more I would be interested in reading it!
5/1/2011 c1 612simpleplan13
Thanks for participating in April's Review Marathon! Sorry for the delayed review... stupid fp being down. Anyway...

"She was horribly in denial. He was the girl in the love story. He was horribly"... didn't like the repetition of horribly. You might want to vary your word choice so close together anyway.

"for Black Eyed Peas' sake!"... that was a really cute play on words

"much less breath"...breathe

"'Oh!'"... that seemed weird to me because first of all I couldn't tell if it was him or her who said it. Also Oh seemed like a odd noise for either of them to make. Ow or Umpf or something like that might seem better.

"a cruel sight to any bystander."... this confused me because it made me think maybe their were bystanders and if so why weren't they doing something? And if not, why is the hallway empty? And why would you mention this nonexistant bystanders?

I did really like the piece. I thought your description especially of how she felt when he was kissing her was great. I also think you captured his personality really well and hers too. I did kinda wish for more motive like was it because he made her feel like that? or was she only feeling like that 'cause she was going to kill him? But still, that twist at the end was really great and well done.
3/28/2011 c1 Alanisaur
Wow, lol,. I was think ing I was gonna review with asking you to expand on this.. And now, it kinda freaked me out. :D Slight grammer errors. You may need to build the story a little more, but other than that,.Nice twist I didnt see that one coming.. I hoped she doesnt find any other victims...
2/21/2011 c1 17Lady of romance world88
Hi. It is so beautiful story I ever read it. And I love it. :) I love to watch horror movies and read horror books that wrote by R. L. Stine. :) All I am say for this story is whoa and geez, man. Because the begining is romance then it switch t6 the horror in the end. Thats how it write out in the movies and books. :) I am wonder why he kept stalk her? *curiously* I am wonder how old are they? *curiously* I am wonder how does he know everything about her? *curiously* I am wonder how he met her? *curiously* I don't understand why she stab him. Is it because she don't want him in her life? *curiously* Is there something about her that she don't want to be with him? *curiously* OMG How does her parents die? What happen to them? *curiously* It must be tough time for her to struggle to be survive on her own. Poor thing. :( I am wonder why her grandparents and her friends never support her or comfort her during her parents's death? *curiously* Are they in high school or in university? *curiously* I am wonder who is he? Why is he after her? *curiously* Why can't he ask her go on date? Or be her friend instead? *curiously* I am wonder who gave her the swiss knife? *curiously* It'll be great if she become the policewoman or secret agent when she finish university in the future. :) He's good at sneaking and get information. I am wonder who taught him to do that? *curiously* I am wonder how and what happen after he died? Will she end in jail? Or sentence for life? *curiously* I am wonder if he's alive. Will he slept with her or ask her to be his wife and mother of his children? *curiously* A pet should be great company for her and will protect her from stalkers. :) It is amazing story and I am enjoy read this story. I love it. :) I am hope that you will keep writing alot of stories. :) Please don't stop writing. :D I am think you should be famous writer if you try to publish those one shot stories into short stories collection so the world will buy it and the money go into charity eg support people who lose their homes during earthquakes, flood and cyclones and education for african children who never go to schools because of war. Think about it, girl. :) Your writing talent is amazing and it'll be sad if it goes waste. I'll read Matthew story tomorrow. :D
2/16/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Stalkers had never been so creepy..

-Edit: ellipses are always in sets of three, not two

"Hey there." He said...

-Edit: change period after "there" to comma and un-capitalize "He"

...he said, handing her a Lily. Fuck, how did he know about her secret affection for lilies?

-I don't think "Lily" needs to be capitalized unless it's a name of a character-and you didn't capitalize "lilies" so I'm not sure what's going on there

Um, huh, well this was a bit strange. I found the whole thing really creepy just because of the character constructs. I mean it's clear that he sees her as an object and not a real woman-especially for stalking her and not respecting her wishes, which was very creepy. And uh, I guess he kind of got his, didn't he? I thought you could have put a lot more into characterization and editing and taken more care to really stretch this out into an actually short story instead of such a small tidbit of something-I think it has a lot of potential.

Something I did like though-I thought it was cool how you turned the stabbing into the sex scene. That was pretty radical, haha. I mean, you have her moaning with the blood and clearly getting some sort of perverse pleasure from it, and that's a whole new dimension that I don't think I've seen in your other works. Simply having her taking such pleasure with the word choice of continuous moaning really gives the story a creepy edge about her getting not only emotional joy from it, but also sexual joy. Kinda twisted, but I thought it was creative and kudos if that's what you had in mind and it was intentional to be perceived that way.
2/11/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
Rah, I had just finished writing my review and FP went and ate it.

Are the two first lines a different summary? They don't seem to fit in with the rest of the story, they don't have the same tone.

["Hey there." He said]

The period should be a comma, uncapitalize 'He'.

["I know what you're thinking, sweetie. How did I know? What your secret a secret no more? Was I going to tell anyone about it? Did I know the entire story? As for the first, that, is one thing that will remain a secret. As for the rest, yes, no, and yes."]

Uh, that one was confusing as hell for me, and as a reader, I can go back and read the sentence again to make sense of it. I can't imagine what it would sound like orally, but I doubt your girl character could really understand what he said.

[About the tragic love story that her parents shared, before they died a horrible death.]

Yeah, what about it? If you're teasing us with something like that, you have to explain it. Or at least give some hints about what actually happened. If you're not intending to do so, if you don't need to, then just leave that part out: it's not relevant to your story.

[so that she could feel her every shiver, every tremble]

Who is feeling whose shivers & trembles? As it is, it sounds like she's feeling her own, which seemed pretty obvious to me and didn't warrant a precision.

Overall, I felt this story was too rushed. I would like to know more about the settings, the physical actions of the characters (especially at the beginning where they seem very static), the past of the girl (which you make us wonder about but don't actually develop), and above all, more about her struggle to kill that particular boy that affected her so much.

Another thing I was puzzled about: why do you describe her murdering men as a 'job' in the summary?
1/23/2011 c1 x9089247Q
Uh...holy crap. That was...violent.

Your writing style is pleasing-definitely my favorite thing about this. But I do feel like things move rather quickly, and the story takes leaps that I don't quite understand. What is this story with the lily and how does he know it? Why is this kid pushing girls against lockers and kiss-raping them without any sort of reaction from school officials? It is-I'll say it again because it bears repeating-a very well-written story, but I just can't seem to figure out why all this is happening.
1/20/2011 c1 20purplehost
Well...huh. There were definitely some rough patches in this, although overall it gave a feel of creepiness and totally got to me. There was one typo that I noticed, and two awkwardly phrased parts...

This part is the awkwardly phrased bit: "How did I know? What your secret a secret no more? Was I going to tell anyone about it? Did I know the entire story? As for the first, that, is one thing that will remain a secret. As for the rest, yes, no, and yes." It's a bit confusing to me as a reader...I had to go at it again, and I still don't get exactly what he was trying to say.

And this: "she said, slightly angrily, It was starting to get old, for Black Eyed Peas' sake!", is just weird. Suddenly bringing in a pop culture reference kind of ruins the seriousness of the tone and mood. And in that there is a typo too. It could be: 'she said, slightly angrily. It was starting to get old...' or 'she said, slightly angrily; it was starting to get old...', but it's wrong to capitalize the 'i' after a comma, and since it is a separate thought, it should be separated by a semicolon or a period, thereby making the capitalization correct.

As for the second typo: "...unable to move, much less breath...", well 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

I think that the one mention of her parents was weird, you have to either expand on that or delete it altogether, because it disrupts the flow of your writing as is.

Killing him suddenly was unexpected and definitely chilling, but it left me wondering just why she was killing him...and why we just get to see the very end. Maybe a mention at the very end after he is silenced forever, something like 'and now, he can never _ again...' to explain why this all happened? I mean having him breathe no more is pretty dramatic, but it leaves a lot of loose ends.

That was all really, of me being an editor. Sometimes I just get in that mind set if I find a story that just needs a final polish to go beyond 'good' and become 'great'. I hope I didn't offend you by doing that...I still owe you two reviews, and your writing looks like it's worth the time it will take to look at.

1/18/2011 c1 3NVR
Wooh! She was a loner with no friends, and she goes and kills the only person that cares about her. This is an awesome story. Your describtive words are like the icing on the cake with your already great writing. I think it's the end of the story, but I like how you write. Keep up the great work!

NVR. (Your now prepayed!)
1/18/2011 c1 2A Panda Writer
I thought this was a good one-shot! I have also made a one-shot thing for my first time.

I liked the end where that innocent sweet sounding girl changed into the emotionless uncaring murderer! Haha. Nice twist to the story.

There were a few parts in there that sounded confusing. I think you just need to fix some punctuation and it will be alright. That's the only thing I didn't like about it :)
12/27/2010 c1 7Liya Smith
This was unexpected! And gory! But I really liked it. They had such a connection, why :(? I'm sappy I guess. I enjoyed how you avoided using names and also how the piece was so short. It overall added a nice style and author's touch. Very good in my opinion!
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