for Adaptation6/4/2011 c2 
1DesertOrchidx
Another good chapter, although you seem to be mixing between past and present tense so some of it doesn't make that much sense but over all a good chaoter! :)
1DesertOrchidxAnother good chapter, although you seem to be mixing between past and present tense so some of it doesn't make that much sense but over all a good chaoter! :)
6/4/2011 c1 DesertOrchidx
This is good, really good! :) Just a few mistakes here and there other than that a really enjoyable story! :D
This is good, really good! :) Just a few mistakes here and there other than that a really enjoyable story! :D
2/20/2011 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Is English your second language? If so, it's pretty obvious. I'm not going to go through this entire chapter and rewrite every single sentence, but suffice to say I didn't enjoy the awkward, choppy sentence structure, word choice, and tense choice throughout the piece. It was just confusing and hard to understand. I suggest you get a beta if you don't know your way around the English language too well.
That being said, I do appreciate how you jumped straight into the action. The delivery wasn't very clear, as I said, but it's a lot more fun when people get straight to the action of the story, which you manage to do.
Good luck with this story!
21Sercus KaynineIs English your second language? If so, it's pretty obvious. I'm not going to go through this entire chapter and rewrite every single sentence, but suffice to say I didn't enjoy the awkward, choppy sentence structure, word choice, and tense choice throughout the piece. It was just confusing and hard to understand. I suggest you get a beta if you don't know your way around the English language too well.
That being said, I do appreciate how you jumped straight into the action. The delivery wasn't very clear, as I said, but it's a lot more fun when people get straight to the action of the story, which you manage to do.
Good luck with this story!
2/15/2011 c4 4Compton
I went on after this Chapter, but I wanted to review this one.
I liked Sam, just because the fact that he was there after 3 years of what he went through, that is great. This was the first time he was mentioned and he is already one of my favorite characters.
I also liked how Charlie was able to use his friends words to keep going, to not quit and I loved how you incorporated that in there. Great Chapter.
4ComptonI went on after this Chapter, but I wanted to review this one.
I liked Sam, just because the fact that he was there after 3 years of what he went through, that is great. This was the first time he was mentioned and he is already one of my favorite characters.
I also liked how Charlie was able to use his friends words to keep going, to not quit and I loved how you incorporated that in there. Great Chapter.
2/14/2011 c1 Compton
Oh wow! This is great! You know, I'm not a big fan of horror fics so to speak, but this is great. I really enjoyed this.
I liked the blend I will predict you will have of Action and Suspense because I have to go next Chapter and see the next part.
I really liked the whole chapter. It was filled with everything I like in a story:
Action
Suspense
And the fact I have no idea whats coming and I love to be drawn to the next Chapter. Great job!
Oh wow! This is great! You know, I'm not a big fan of horror fics so to speak, but this is great. I really enjoyed this.
I liked the blend I will predict you will have of Action and Suspense because I have to go next Chapter and see the next part.
I really liked the whole chapter. It was filled with everything I like in a story:
Action
Suspense
And the fact I have no idea whats coming and I love to be drawn to the next Chapter. Great job!
2/3/2011 c1 3123465
The story was good, and if it's ok to sound like a broken record, lots of errors. It is really hard to read stories with alot of errors (I'm guilty of that as well, especially tenses).
But I tried to give a fix on your first paragraph, (to show you what the others and I are talking about.)
Yours:
My name is Charlie. I remind myself, as I stand alone, in the blood splatter classroom that had once belonged to my math teacher, Mrs. Belenthan. She had yell at me, when I sometime drift off to sleep, in her class. She had reprimand me about how math is important. She had once been my strict teacher. Currently, she is laying in the corner of the very classroom she once teaches in, bite marks on her neck, wounds on her crack-open forehead, and I was the one who killed her.
Fix:
My name is Charlie, I reminded myself. I stood alone in the blood splattered classroom that had once belonged to Mrs. Belenthan, my math teacher. She had to yell at me sometimes, when I drifted off to sleep in her class, and reprimand me about the importance of math. She had once been my strict teacher. Currently she is laying in the corner of the very classroom she had once taught in. Bite marks on her neck, wounds on her cracked-open forehead, and I was the one who killed her.
By no means is my edit perfect, but it reads alot better. I didn't want to change the writing of it so some parts won't read that well, but it would only take a small rearranging of some wording.
Thanks for the review, and hopefully I helped out some.
3123465The story was good, and if it's ok to sound like a broken record, lots of errors. It is really hard to read stories with alot of errors (I'm guilty of that as well, especially tenses).
But I tried to give a fix on your first paragraph, (to show you what the others and I are talking about.)
Yours:
My name is Charlie. I remind myself, as I stand alone, in the blood splatter classroom that had once belonged to my math teacher, Mrs. Belenthan. She had yell at me, when I sometime drift off to sleep, in her class. She had reprimand me about how math is important. She had once been my strict teacher. Currently, she is laying in the corner of the very classroom she once teaches in, bite marks on her neck, wounds on her crack-open forehead, and I was the one who killed her.
Fix:
My name is Charlie, I reminded myself. I stood alone in the blood splattered classroom that had once belonged to Mrs. Belenthan, my math teacher. She had to yell at me sometimes, when I drifted off to sleep in her class, and reprimand me about the importance of math. She had once been my strict teacher. Currently she is laying in the corner of the very classroom she had once taught in. Bite marks on her neck, wounds on her cracked-open forehead, and I was the one who killed her.
By no means is my edit perfect, but it reads alot better. I didn't want to change the writing of it so some parts won't read that well, but it would only take a small rearranging of some wording.
Thanks for the review, and hopefully I helped out some.
2/1/2011 c2 Lord Revan
well, I've been a bit busy, what with a bunch of stuff, but I might as well give my two cents in for each chapter. Once again, minor misspelling, but what the hey.
Chapter 2
Paranoia... Well, that's pretty fitting to the situation. If insanity doesn't come around, I'd be surprised at this rate.
Chapter 3
Ooh, that's not good. Zombification process starting? I can see why draining the victim of blood could be useful, it kills the victim faster, which means more undead around. Well, it's still good.
Chapter 4
For one thing, really pay attention to grammar on this one. I could get the gist of it, but still. On another topic, that friend which committed suicide... I sense something that it could be something that haunts him.
Chapter 5
So, is this the insanity I mentioned earlier? I think it's just my opinion, but I wasn't looking forward to a fantasy thing in a serious story. But as long as it's only in his head, and the others see it as just a bit of an... oddity... then I suppose I can live with it.
Chapter 6
Well. Man, that was... ya know, that kindof ticked me off how the character just ran off. Gotta be honest, that was a pretty low blow. Well, two less people that could have helped.
Yeah, once again, Grammar, Grammar, Grammar. Other than that, it's going along quite nicely.
FLR
LR
well, I've been a bit busy, what with a bunch of stuff, but I might as well give my two cents in for each chapter. Once again, minor misspelling, but what the hey.
Chapter 2
Paranoia... Well, that's pretty fitting to the situation. If insanity doesn't come around, I'd be surprised at this rate.
Chapter 3
Ooh, that's not good. Zombification process starting? I can see why draining the victim of blood could be useful, it kills the victim faster, which means more undead around. Well, it's still good.
Chapter 4
For one thing, really pay attention to grammar on this one. I could get the gist of it, but still. On another topic, that friend which committed suicide... I sense something that it could be something that haunts him.
Chapter 5
So, is this the insanity I mentioned earlier? I think it's just my opinion, but I wasn't looking forward to a fantasy thing in a serious story. But as long as it's only in his head, and the others see it as just a bit of an... oddity... then I suppose I can live with it.
Chapter 6
Well. Man, that was... ya know, that kindof ticked me off how the character just ran off. Gotta be honest, that was a pretty low blow. Well, two less people that could have helped.
Yeah, once again, Grammar, Grammar, Grammar. Other than that, it's going along quite nicely.
FLR
LR
1/23/2011 c1 cthulhuus
Okay, to be honest, I only read the first chapter.
I really like zombie stories, so I was entertained by this. However, I do agree with your other reviewers; your grammar needs to improve. You switch tense a lot (from "he watched" to "he watches") a lot, which, apart from being gramatically incorrect, threw me off and distracted me from your actual story.
Assuming you were born overseas and have only been living in America for some time, your grammar is actually quite good. However, to attract more readers, it does need to improve.
Assuming you were born in America, you need practice. Your writing style and the way you pace everything out is very good; but you really need to perhaps find a beta or someone who's willing to help you so you don't change tenses so often. Believe me, it will throw a lot of readers off. You deserve more attention, but a lot of people like well-structured stories with good grammar.
Sorry if I sound rude, I don't mean it. ^^;
Okay, to be honest, I only read the first chapter.
I really like zombie stories, so I was entertained by this. However, I do agree with your other reviewers; your grammar needs to improve. You switch tense a lot (from "he watched" to "he watches") a lot, which, apart from being gramatically incorrect, threw me off and distracted me from your actual story.
Assuming you were born overseas and have only been living in America for some time, your grammar is actually quite good. However, to attract more readers, it does need to improve.
Assuming you were born in America, you need practice. Your writing style and the way you pace everything out is very good; but you really need to perhaps find a beta or someone who's willing to help you so you don't change tenses so often. Believe me, it will throw a lot of readers off. You deserve more attention, but a lot of people like well-structured stories with good grammar.
Sorry if I sound rude, I don't mean it. ^^;
1/17/2011 c1 25Pandemyx
It's pretty good for a zombie story. I like the creative word choices and phrases, some which I would've never thought of using. However, your grammer is horrible. Mostly it's using the wrong tense for words and placing commas where they don't need to be. You should have someone a little better with grammer edit your writing before putting it up, for our sakes. Opening scene is a bit cliche. Almost every zombie story on fictionpress seems to begin in a school. I know you can't fix that, but I wanted to say it anyways. I'm sure you'll have a good plotline to make up for it. Good job thus far.
25PandemyxIt's pretty good for a zombie story. I like the creative word choices and phrases, some which I would've never thought of using. However, your grammer is horrible. Mostly it's using the wrong tense for words and placing commas where they don't need to be. You should have someone a little better with grammer edit your writing before putting it up, for our sakes. Opening scene is a bit cliche. Almost every zombie story on fictionpress seems to begin in a school. I know you can't fix that, but I wanted to say it anyways. I'm sure you'll have a good plotline to make up for it. Good job thus far.
1/17/2011 c1 8WinglessBirds
I really like the setting of this novel! Just couple of parts were confusing, but I personally really like the beginning
8WinglessBirdsI really like the setting of this novel! Just couple of parts were confusing, but I personally really like the beginning
1/3/2011 c6 1Silvren Raine
Interesting development, but wait, Charlie's metal ruler can now talk? Or is it his hallucination? Is it like his ruler is now a supernatural weapon? Because when Gabriel says, "Identify yourselves now," there was only Charlie. Meaning he must have heard Mac? Other than that confusion, I love it so far!
1Silvren RaineInteresting development, but wait, Charlie's metal ruler can now talk? Or is it his hallucination? Is it like his ruler is now a supernatural weapon? Because when Gabriel says, "Identify yourselves now," there was only Charlie. Meaning he must have heard Mac? Other than that confusion, I love it so far!
12/26/2010 c6 2BloodRedVanity
It's good so far! ^^ Just needs a lil bit of editing...I like it though :D
2BloodRedVanityIt's good so far! ^^ Just needs a lil bit of editing...I like it though :D
12/4/2010 c1 7Pikachu123angel
Nice. Really interesting, even though I don't exactly like zombie stories. I did notice a few errors with the tense, but great story!
7Pikachu123angelNice. Really interesting, even though I don't exactly like zombie stories. I did notice a few errors with the tense, but great story!
12/3/2010 c1 Lord Revan
Well, the story isn't that bad at all. Even though it is a Zombie horror, I'll keep looking forward to it, but in the case that you haven't addressed the issues of possessives and tense issues, I'd fix those up a bit. There are a few other errors, but this looks mostly first draft material, just touch things up a bit and you'll be good to go. Other than that, it looks good so far. I think I might be sensing some foreshadowing going on in the last sentence of the chapter. : D
LR
Well, the story isn't that bad at all. Even though it is a Zombie horror, I'll keep looking forward to it, but in the case that you haven't addressed the issues of possessives and tense issues, I'd fix those up a bit. There are a few other errors, but this looks mostly first draft material, just touch things up a bit and you'll be good to go. Other than that, it looks good so far. I think I might be sensing some foreshadowing going on in the last sentence of the chapter. : D
LR