for How to Spell Fuck1/12/2013 c2 Maria
Oh mu fucking glob! What will their reactions be! That is sooooo ackward!
Oh mu fucking glob! What will their reactions be! That is sooooo ackward!
12/22/2012 c1 
5Whirlymerle
Hey again!
[He called out to me; asked me to join his billiards club, as if I actually wanted to spend any more time with an overweight, middle-aged man.] I think the semicolon should be a comma since the second part can't be an independent clause
[I raised the boy's cocktail to my lips.] I really like this line. I think the word "cocktail" is really effective in adding to the drama of this moment. :D
So I really like this. I think you do a great job with the narrative voice. Alex was engaging and funny (and also kinda sassy, I think) and I totally felt like I was in his head the whole time.
I'm also wondering if his reliability is questionable. The part when he mentions Teal must want him—not because he's vain but because every straight guy back home wanted him, for example, sorta made me raise my eyebrows. If it's because Alex has an inflated ego and /is/ unreliable, it would be cool. Otherwise, I don't know, his perfection is a bit of a turn off. I do think your characterization either way is a success, though, since I actually feel strongly about Alex and Teal.
Looking forward to reading more,
Merle
5WhirlymerleHey again!
[He called out to me; asked me to join his billiards club, as if I actually wanted to spend any more time with an overweight, middle-aged man.] I think the semicolon should be a comma since the second part can't be an independent clause
[I raised the boy's cocktail to my lips.] I really like this line. I think the word "cocktail" is really effective in adding to the drama of this moment. :D
So I really like this. I think you do a great job with the narrative voice. Alex was engaging and funny (and also kinda sassy, I think) and I totally felt like I was in his head the whole time.
I'm also wondering if his reliability is questionable. The part when he mentions Teal must want him—not because he's vain but because every straight guy back home wanted him, for example, sorta made me raise my eyebrows. If it's because Alex has an inflated ego and /is/ unreliable, it would be cool. Otherwise, I don't know, his perfection is a bit of a turn off. I do think your characterization either way is a success, though, since I actually feel strongly about Alex and Teal.
Looking forward to reading more,
Merle
12/18/2012 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Hah, I really like Alex's asshole attitude. For some reason characters like him are so interesting and do a great job holding my attention, although I probably couldn't stand them in real life if I ever met them. But I guess that's the beauty of fiction. The way you weave his thoughts into the narration is also nicely done. I think it's a great way to show his personality and to make the narration comical, and the way he contradicts himself with his thoughts/action adds another level of hilarity.
[and chatting up a woman who would have been pretty if her hair hadn't been bleached to near nonexistence, and if she hadn't been wearing a huge leather jacket and shorts so short she might as well not even be wearing them.]
I think this description of the woman is a little weak compared to the rest of Alex's witty thoughts/insults. Maybe coming up with something more clever... like the shorts were so short they were being swallowed into the abyss of her ass crack or something, haha. Not the most lovely image, but Alex doesn't seem like the type of person who has a mental filter. When you go back and revise, you may want to think up something more inventive. :)
5Dr. Self DestructHah, I really like Alex's asshole attitude. For some reason characters like him are so interesting and do a great job holding my attention, although I probably couldn't stand them in real life if I ever met them. But I guess that's the beauty of fiction. The way you weave his thoughts into the narration is also nicely done. I think it's a great way to show his personality and to make the narration comical, and the way he contradicts himself with his thoughts/action adds another level of hilarity.
[and chatting up a woman who would have been pretty if her hair hadn't been bleached to near nonexistence, and if she hadn't been wearing a huge leather jacket and shorts so short she might as well not even be wearing them.]
I think this description of the woman is a little weak compared to the rest of Alex's witty thoughts/insults. Maybe coming up with something more clever... like the shorts were so short they were being swallowed into the abyss of her ass crack or something, haha. Not the most lovely image, but Alex doesn't seem like the type of person who has a mental filter. When you go back and revise, you may want to think up something more inventive. :)
12/18/2012 c2 wisedec4u
OMG!
Opening: I really enjoyed the beginning because it gave me a good sense of Alex's character. Also, it tied in nicely with the revelation at the end (which was absolutely jaw dropping). I found both amusing that this self proclaimed Casanova got turned out by a pretty boy high schooler.
Characters: Alex came off a little vain and not very likeable in the beginning. He seems to look down on everyone around him. However, when he meets his mother for the first time, I began to find him endearing and more humble. I really enjoyed the introduction to his biological mother. It was the tiny things that Alex noticed about her such as her tidy appearance, her artwork, the nervousness shake of her hand, her sense of humor, and clumsiness which made her both relatable and likeable. I could easily see that she was as affected by their first meeting as Alex was, maybe even more so. I also liked that they weren't overly emotional during their first meeting. It made it more believable. I found my father over the internet when I was 23 and our first meeting was fairly similar to what you described here. I remember the feeling of awkwardness, not know what to say or how I should address this stranger who looked almost like me, and picking apart the similarities and differences. I thought you did of wonderful job of showing this to the reader.
Ending: As I said before the ending cliffhanger was jaw dropping. I probably would've wanted to puke my brains out if I found myself in a similar situation. I am beyond curious to find out what will happen next and how Alex will handle this crazy situation. You definitely created a page turner. Sorry, I don't have a lot of criticism on this chapter, I thought it was very well done. I look forward to reading more.
OMG!
Opening: I really enjoyed the beginning because it gave me a good sense of Alex's character. Also, it tied in nicely with the revelation at the end (which was absolutely jaw dropping). I found both amusing that this self proclaimed Casanova got turned out by a pretty boy high schooler.
Characters: Alex came off a little vain and not very likeable in the beginning. He seems to look down on everyone around him. However, when he meets his mother for the first time, I began to find him endearing and more humble. I really enjoyed the introduction to his biological mother. It was the tiny things that Alex noticed about her such as her tidy appearance, her artwork, the nervousness shake of her hand, her sense of humor, and clumsiness which made her both relatable and likeable. I could easily see that she was as affected by their first meeting as Alex was, maybe even more so. I also liked that they weren't overly emotional during their first meeting. It made it more believable. I found my father over the internet when I was 23 and our first meeting was fairly similar to what you described here. I remember the feeling of awkwardness, not know what to say or how I should address this stranger who looked almost like me, and picking apart the similarities and differences. I thought you did of wonderful job of showing this to the reader.
Ending: As I said before the ending cliffhanger was jaw dropping. I probably would've wanted to puke my brains out if I found myself in a similar situation. I am beyond curious to find out what will happen next and how Alex will handle this crazy situation. You definitely created a page turner. Sorry, I don't have a lot of criticism on this chapter, I thought it was very well done. I look forward to reading more.
9/16/2012 c1 Guest
KISS MY ASS!
KISS MY ASS!
8/26/2012 c2 Persephone95
Should i just give up and stop checking
If you updated?it seems not very likely that you will update after two years... :'(
Should i just give up and stop checking
If you updated?it seems not very likely that you will update after two years... :'(
7/25/2012 c2 Persephone95
Updaaaate pleaaaase! Pretty please? It has a lot of potential and i want to know what happens
Updaaaate pleaaaase! Pretty please? It has a lot of potential and i want to know what happens
6/29/2012 c2 Guest
Ohhh myyy goddd :0 u left it at the worst cluffhanger! So much potential please pleaseee continue
-Persephone95
Ohhh myyy goddd :0 u left it at the worst cluffhanger! So much potential please pleaseee continue
-Persephone95
3/21/2012 c1 1Wings of Beauty
Love! Please don't abandon the story! I absolutely love the story so much! Please please Please update! It has been over a year already!
1Wings of BeautyLove! Please don't abandon the story! I absolutely love the story so much! Please please Please update! It has been over a year already!
3/2/2012 c2 flawedxuni
This is probably the fourth/fifth time I've reread this since I first discovered it (I think a year ago?) anyway, I really hope it's not abandoned :( That last line was so epic, and I wonder how Teal and Alex will react! I also wonder if they're half brothers or like, stepbrothers (there was a mention of a "Kevin" who could be her husband...). I'm also really curious about Teal's scars. God, I love his character! :D
I'm excited to see how this story unfolds :)
This is probably the fourth/fifth time I've reread this since I first discovered it (I think a year ago?) anyway, I really hope it's not abandoned :( That last line was so epic, and I wonder how Teal and Alex will react! I also wonder if they're half brothers or like, stepbrothers (there was a mention of a "Kevin" who could be her husband...). I'm also really curious about Teal's scars. God, I love his character! :D
I'm excited to see how this story unfolds :)
3/1/2012 c2 3unhuman
Oh GOD. Even though I obviously knew /what/ was going to happen from the summary, but when I realised HOW it was going to happen - jesus christ, I completely felt the second-hand horror.
I love your character writing. I love how immature and arrogant Alex is and the fact that he doesn't even seem to realise that as he narrates. I love the moment when he and his mother met for the first time, all awkward and so believable. I totally love this story.
I also love the title. Now that's a good title, lol.
3unhumanOh GOD. Even though I obviously knew /what/ was going to happen from the summary, but when I realised HOW it was going to happen - jesus christ, I completely felt the second-hand horror.
I love your character writing. I love how immature and arrogant Alex is and the fact that he doesn't even seem to realise that as he narrates. I love the moment when he and his mother met for the first time, all awkward and so believable. I totally love this story.
I also love the title. Now that's a good title, lol.