1/24/2011 c1 11Crystalynn
This story has wonderful potential, but is unfortunately executed poorly.

For instance, in this, chapter one, we are introduced to 4 very important characters, yet are not told what ANY of them look like.

I remember that the mother wears black, but that's just about it.

The writer takes the time to say the main character "James" is the older prince, and then says the younger looks just like him with some minor differences, yet we still have no way of knowing what EITHER character looks like due to the writer's failure to describe either one! Why make them look similar if we have no idea what either looks like?

On top of that, there's no mention of the country this takes place in and no description of the location whatsoever. We don't know what the castle looks like, what the characters look like or anything. The only description comes in the form of white bedsheets and mom's black clothing. No eyecolors, haircolors, height or anything.

What little characterization offered is then contradicted. The younger prince Christopher is said to be painfully shy, and wants to pass out when he sees girls, yet later that same night he's dancing practically nose to nose with some girl and then brazenly stabs his own brother. So much for shy.

James, the older brother also has a fear of storms which pops up unexpectedly and is not fully explained. Where did he get this fear? Is there something deep and significant about it? Is this fear a curse, yet turns into a blessing when he winds up meeting Gregory for the first time?

There's so much fleshing out that needs to be done. The characters are mere shells with genders and names. Our protagonist, James, comes off as cowardly, emotional and whiny. He moans and groans of not liking girls, complains that his feet and head hurt after the dance, runs to hide in the closet when a sudden storm comes up, and then cries and yells when they take his boyfriend away.

You'd think a PRINCE would be just a little more assertive. He could simply marry a woman, become king, and then have his mother banished, rather than sneaking around hiding in closets and faking his own death.

Overall, it's not very realistic or cleverly presented.

What could have been a unique plot winds up a jumbled, up, dry mess with no characterization whatsoever.

I will say this however. The writer seems to have spirit and does want to make this work. The writer obviously wants us to enjoy the story, but fails to realize that 99% of her readership is composed of straight GIRLS. That being said, it's important to establish a LOVE relationship between Gregory and James (first of all) and to describe at least their hair and eye color so we can get a good picture. Tell which one is tallest and more manly so we know which is dominant and also, consider changing Greg's name. Greg is not a very handsome, appealing name at all. Perhaps Zeke or Drake?

Too much happens in too little time. I'd say focus on James first and foremost. Have him get ready for the ball. Cleverly explain his looks by having him dressing infront of a mirror or even better, emerging from the shower.

Have him think of his plight in terms of "girls just arent my thing" rather than "girls are whiny and materialistic" so that we like him and feel bad for him rather than thinking he's a whiny, sexist brat. The first step in any story is to estalish your protag. You want the reader to like the protag and want him to succeed. At this point I don't really. I have no clue what he looks like and think he's foolish for not claiming his power and title of king to get what he wants.

Perhaps you could mention that he's too noble to marry a girl he doesnt love or banish his mother. Because the reader is not stupid. The reader is thinking HE is the stupid one for not doing everything in his power to be with his lover.

I could go on and on with suggestions for possible restructuring, descriptions and characterization, but am not sure it would be appreciated. I meant this critique to be helpful, but if it came off as a flame, please forgive me.

I tend to get longwinded and a little riled up, especially when I see such a promising plot fail to reach its potential.

On that note I shall leave, with one last note to the author.

Talk to other writers! They can be a wondrous help in growing and improving your skills! Also, read other stories! Preferably good stories and keep an eye on your audience! We are FEMALE!

Gay males make up only 3% of the american population, and of them, im sure only about 100 even bother reading stories, much less on fictionpress! XD