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for The Broken God

1/13/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
Very exquisite poetry!

I liked it.

What I wonder is why did you use the word babes instead of babies?

But it was interesting.

Great writing!
12/23/2010 c1 Father Christmas
First off, I wanna say good job with all the rhyming. Writing in the first place is tough, but then having to work around the sometimes limited word pool of the English language is really admirable! So great work there.

I'm not very familiar with sonnets, but a google search directed me to an Italian sonnet for this particular rhyme scheme. Good stuff!

When I think of sonnets, I think of old people and Shakespeare and a lot of weird associated stuff. But I'm really pleased that this felt fresh and natural, and none of that old-English-nobody-understands stuffy feeling. Lovely.

I particularly enjoyed the last two lines; very profound and thought provoking. It reminded me of a song I heard once, asking along the lines of if God created us after we created him. Your last two lines leave the reader with something to ponder, and that's also something to admire. Well done.

Happy Holidays!

12/22/2010 c1 Secret Santa
Happy Holidays! Here's your secret santa review!

A kinda appropriate piece to read around Christmastime...

I really loved the second line. I thought it was a great comparison. Empty minds is a description done a lot but the way you described it and phrased it was really great.

The ending was also really great. The part about a broken God filled with holes was a really great reference I'm assuming to him being nailed to the cross and coming back with holes in his hands.

The phrase "sprawling legacy" was a really interesting one as well.

Overall the piece was good. I'm not a big sonnet person, but I really liked this. The phrasing worked really well (which is often what I dislike about sonnets) and the subject manner was interesting as well.
8/4/2010 c1 12PapaMike
I wish I was any good at reviewing because this poem deserves a really good one. I also wish that I could write rhyming couplets with the same grace you posses, but I can't so instead all I'm going to say is well done! This is fantastic.

*scuttles off to hide under her rock*
7/31/2010 c1 6notveryalice
This is just gorgeous.
7/28/2010 c1 30sophiesix
oh cool! i get it now, on the second reading, lol (blame teh flu). very cool concept. teh sentences were kinda long for me which made it hard to concentrate (or maybe thats teh flu...)e.g. "He took man's name and form and found sweet mirth," had one too many ands in it for me. i know thats a rythm thing, but ark. Word choice gives in a lovely olde worlde feel too, perfect for its theme. love teh last image of teh empty shell god!
7/26/2010 c1 4lookingwest
Very cool. The thing I liked best about this was the discourse-you made it sound elevated in language with use of words like "mirth", "sought", "fare"-and you managed to not make your rhyme scheme feel forced. At least, it didn't feel forced to me at all, which is the worst thing about writing sonnets, I think. Because you keep the discourse throughout the entire sonnet, and not just in the end lines, that makes it balanced and makes it work so well.

Said "Take these gifts of mine from heart and soul",

-Edit: I think maybe here you could have a comma after "said"

Other than that, this was also really well edited, so there weren't any other problems I found, and everything is spelled correctly and in order :D. So let's see if I can figure out which rhyme scene you used...abbaabba cdcdcdee? Is that a couplet at the end? If I'm wrong, ignore me, haha. I liked the last two lines though, "legacy" is a great word, very rich, I'm glad to see that you worked with it at the end.

Now! As far as the plot itself, and the message...hm, see this is where analyzing poetry can always get sticky for me. I'm going to talk this out with myself, and if I don't get it, it's not your fault, haha, I'm just bad at interpreting sonnets with more elevated language, haha. So this young guy sleeps with a bunch of women, and then they have his children and he has nothing to give them but his blessing? But when he blessed them he lost his powers? Since I'm not well rehearsed in mythologies of any sort-I'd love to hear where this influence came from. Is this a story I should know? XD, probably. Do let me know though! I love that idea of a "broken God" and I liked the bit where you described him as "filled with holes", that visually sort of painted me an image. It's hard to wrap visual images in with plot, I think, but I also think you did it well :) As far as the "message" of the sonnet from the story-I think it wasn't something that you focused on, though I may be blind, XD, but all I can interpret is to "not sleep around with people" o_o. Which is a good message, XD, depending, haha.

Best of luck! This was a hard challenge but I think you captured the essence of a sonnet and did a great job incorporating the idea of myth!

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