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11/4/2011 c7 16Ioga
Hey, just a quick heads-up that I finally caught up with the next two chapters, one year later. :)

I can totally identify with the "Sometimes I enjoy dreaming up stories more than I do writing them" feel! I'm a downright master of story fragments that I never seem to actually go and finish - and I don't even polish most of them enough to put them up as strange one-shots on here... (Let alone carry the story anywhere beyond the part where the dream ended.)

Do dream up more story concepts and put up "sneak peek" one-shots of them! Not everything has to be a book here. :)

Thanks for this!
11/29/2010 c7 4Hunter 'Hawkshadow' Crane
hey, atleast it's an update. and I don't think that faye 'like' likes Oliver.
11/27/2010 c6 Hunter 'Hawkshadow' Crane
Hey, underground? Where are you? Why haven't you updated? And what in the name of all that is sci fi just happened?
10/27/2010 c6 5Alix Cohen

1) To make Quinton's memory loss seem more urgent, instead of saying "one's age was kind of obvious to the individual," I would say "He should know how old he was."

2) Start of the second scene: you don't need to say "the screaming" twice...the second time, I suggest "the sound" or "the noise" instead.

3) Second scene, word choice: I think you mean "to no avail."

4) Third scene: I picture an upper-class person like Alastair using more careful syntax. Instead of "share it to we strangers," I recommend "share it with strangers like us."

5) I think Faye can act spoiled, as long as it's a sympathetic kind of spoiled. If she were a little less sarcastic to Van, it might help.
10/23/2010 c5 BloodyGord
Aww, so Faye has a crush on Oliver? Cute :D

And have I told you how much I like the name Quinton? Cuz I do.

Nice use of a re-cap earlier on, by the way. Very integrated.
10/13/2010 c5 16Ioga
Hi, interesting concept you have here, it'd be interesting to see what it develops into.

One plot-wise thing that bothers me is that Faye's attitude seems occasionally to be zipping between the extremes, thinking about Van "killing" her from the start and completely ignoring consequences or even being sarcastic at him the other. It's hard to keep track of her. I think the Faye-Van dynamic has great potential but all he seems to do is look threatening or sulk so far. We'll see!

Minor nitpicks: There's quite a few misspellings. Some strangenesses I ran into in this chapter: middleish to the chapter there's consequence - consequences (the consequences would be severe), "this got a rise out of Van" (an eyebrow raise or something?), and in the end, "do not apologies" - apologize. Is the title intentional or should it maybe be Metamorphosis? Finally, every "* self" should be *self, e.g. herself, itself, yourself. Those are consistently written with an extra space in this story.

As for the length of chapters mentioned in another review and your note, I don't mind at all. You could similarly argue that for any kind of offline reading, the longer a chapter is, the better (easier to download more at once), but what the offline reader really wants is a way to get the whole story at once, and the online reader really wants a sensible way to bookmark anywhere, not just at starts of chapters. So optimal chapter length is really solving a technical issue, which is not something that specific stories should solve in my opinion. :)

Anyway, thanks for this! It's been fun.
9/28/2010 c5 4Hunter 'Hawkshadow' Crane
hey! chapter 5 is kind of funny if you ask me! please update soon!
9/27/2010 c5 5Alix Cohen
Everyone's keeping secrets...

I like the dynamic between Van and Faye in this last scene.
9/12/2010 c4 BloodyGord
"Who the hell is Sherlock?"


See that? That, friend, is my soul flying away. XD

So, does Faye have a last name? Or Van? (d'aww, Van)
9/12/2010 c3 BloodyGord
No! Don't do it, Van! This man is suspicious! HE'S SUSPICIOUS!


Great chapter :D
9/12/2010 c2 BloodyGord
Oh, Van.

Marry me.

*is shot*
9/12/2010 c1 BloodyGord

This is good. Although, Faye kind of scared me with her quick turnaround from 'don't tick off Van' to 'oh, I'm totally gonna tick off Van!' XD

9/5/2010 c3 Strobe Light Express
I abolutely love this story.

You're an amazing writer. And your characters...I love every single one of them. Wow. You really have talent, kid. (:

The summary's awesome, and the plot is unique and keeps your interest.

I would go and read the fourth chapter, but my eyes hurt so bad from staring at the computer screen for so long. :/

Keep up the great work! Thanks so much for posting this incredible writing! (:
9/2/2010 c4 4Hunter 'Hawkshadow' Crane
so sad, but still good!
9/1/2010 c3 Hunter 'Hawkshadow' Crane
really good! but at some point can you make it first person? if not that's fine with me. it's only a suggestion.
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