for Shutter Island: Trapped7/30/2010 c1 
1EternityEchoes
Dude, I wanna know what the letter said! You should make a second chapter with that in it :D
But it is quite an awesome story, I loved it.
1EternityEchoesDude, I wanna know what the letter said! You should make a second chapter with that in it :D
But it is quite an awesome story, I loved it.
7/28/2010 c1 Nicco1495
There are a lot of major grammar flaws in this story, most of which are just mistakes, but there is one I feel the need to point out and correct. When using dialogue, do not end it in a period, such as this excerpt:
"'Daddy, tell us the story again,' Allie said to me, as she lay curled up in bed."
I fixed it with a comma, though you could've used an exclamation point if Allison particularly likes this story or something.
Anyway, as for the plot itself, I think it would belong more on , since it is loosely based on the title and storyline of the real Shutter Island movie. From the Author's Note, it seemed you hadn't actually seen the movie, but it's apparent you've watched the commercials or something, because when reading this, I was reminded of that movie.
I should also say I don't really understand this story - at all. I read it, but it just didn't make sense; time shifted too much, the characters haven't been explored, and the plot already feels sort of messy! =/ There is also way too much dialogue, honestly. I can't get a feel for the situation these characters are in at all, they seem more like flat voices in a great void, speaking but not saying anything. Nothing of interest is really conveyed in this story.
I realize you wanted to get through this story quickly (get the words onto paper, or pixels, or wahtever), but stories just don't work that way. There's always a second step, or a third, where you should proofread your document and afterwards give it to a Beta Reader, who can give you a lot of advice on your work. There's lots of great beta readers available!
Also, you should note it looks really tacky when practically every paragraph is a single line, or worse, just one sentence. It's usually fine in dialogue, especially fast-paced dialogue between two characters (be they arguing, or what), or during some suspenseful event. This sotry is neither; I didn't see any major arguments, and it wasn't suspenseful in the least. This may just be an annoying preference of mine, but from what I hear people like to have longer paragraphs.
In closing, good luck with your writing and I hope you improve. Don't take this as flaming, please, I'm trying to give constructive criticism. I hope I helped. Maybe later you can rewrite this?
There are a lot of major grammar flaws in this story, most of which are just mistakes, but there is one I feel the need to point out and correct. When using dialogue, do not end it in a period, such as this excerpt:
"'Daddy, tell us the story again,' Allie said to me, as she lay curled up in bed."
I fixed it with a comma, though you could've used an exclamation point if Allison particularly likes this story or something.
Anyway, as for the plot itself, I think it would belong more on , since it is loosely based on the title and storyline of the real Shutter Island movie. From the Author's Note, it seemed you hadn't actually seen the movie, but it's apparent you've watched the commercials or something, because when reading this, I was reminded of that movie.
I should also say I don't really understand this story - at all. I read it, but it just didn't make sense; time shifted too much, the characters haven't been explored, and the plot already feels sort of messy! =/ There is also way too much dialogue, honestly. I can't get a feel for the situation these characters are in at all, they seem more like flat voices in a great void, speaking but not saying anything. Nothing of interest is really conveyed in this story.
I realize you wanted to get through this story quickly (get the words onto paper, or pixels, or wahtever), but stories just don't work that way. There's always a second step, or a third, where you should proofread your document and afterwards give it to a Beta Reader, who can give you a lot of advice on your work. There's lots of great beta readers available!
Also, you should note it looks really tacky when practically every paragraph is a single line, or worse, just one sentence. It's usually fine in dialogue, especially fast-paced dialogue between two characters (be they arguing, or what), or during some suspenseful event. This sotry is neither; I didn't see any major arguments, and it wasn't suspenseful in the least. This may just be an annoying preference of mine, but from what I hear people like to have longer paragraphs.
In closing, good luck with your writing and I hope you improve. Don't take this as flaming, please, I'm trying to give constructive criticism. I hope I helped. Maybe later you can rewrite this?