for The Pirate's Legacy: New Beginnings8/13/2012 c30 
1Mak Hertz
I agree... Stop this madness... bloodthirsty pirates.
"wondering for a wild moment if he had somehow lost his memory." - oh jeez... none of that.
" the only female in the raucous company wonder who the real barbarians were." - 'wondered who the...'
"In the mean time, the men celebrated their success and toasted those that didn't survive the bloody island..." - just another one of those things but I'd use 'meantime'
Your characters sure do have a way of complicating their lives.
"He died by the hands of my mother's vengeance-thirsty kin." - serves him right.
Well I know we're all quite glad that he wasn't full blood and he didn't follow after his father.
"The Draconians have only one god, Dragus, creator of the dragons and protector of all His children's broad." - I believe you meant brood
I don't particularly understand why anyone would care he was leaving. Other than I guess it was disgraceful or something.
It's fun when we find out how intertwined Roger and Em's lives are.
" I changed my identity in order to conceal it from the pirates, but they still manage to instinctively brand me as the number one man to kill."- I'd say instinctively managed
I love that Roger is jealous of Cicero. How cute.
Hah! So see Michael keeps secrets both ways. Princess.
"She knew about who he truly was, but he didn't know anything about her." - True that.
Pft... hardly an exciting kiss to be remembering... they should remedy that.
But he'll never be able to keep a princess at sea... though he does seem to get her on the sea an awful lot.
1Mak HertzI agree... Stop this madness... bloodthirsty pirates.
"wondering for a wild moment if he had somehow lost his memory." - oh jeez... none of that.
" the only female in the raucous company wonder who the real barbarians were." - 'wondered who the...'
"In the mean time, the men celebrated their success and toasted those that didn't survive the bloody island..." - just another one of those things but I'd use 'meantime'
Your characters sure do have a way of complicating their lives.
"He died by the hands of my mother's vengeance-thirsty kin." - serves him right.
Well I know we're all quite glad that he wasn't full blood and he didn't follow after his father.
"The Draconians have only one god, Dragus, creator of the dragons and protector of all His children's broad." - I believe you meant brood
I don't particularly understand why anyone would care he was leaving. Other than I guess it was disgraceful or something.
It's fun when we find out how intertwined Roger and Em's lives are.
" I changed my identity in order to conceal it from the pirates, but they still manage to instinctively brand me as the number one man to kill."- I'd say instinctively managed
I love that Roger is jealous of Cicero. How cute.
Hah! So see Michael keeps secrets both ways. Princess.
"She knew about who he truly was, but he didn't know anything about her." - True that.
Pft... hardly an exciting kiss to be remembering... they should remedy that.
But he'll never be able to keep a princess at sea... though he does seem to get her on the sea an awful lot.
8/12/2012 c29 Mak Hertz
Roger, you should know not to piss off goddesses.
Ah Roger, you don't think you're worthy of Em, and you don't even really know all that much about her. I guess you know what kind of person she is but not WHO she is... :)
"Em watched in trepidation as Roger was surrounding." - surrounded
Poor Roger. It's not fair to him that Em hates Draconians... and pirates for that matter...
"You would extend your love to your sister, but not to me?"- It's not really fair... and I think Roger has done a lot more to deserve it than Annalyn ever did...
Em is kind of a bitch to keep calling him Draconian... though I guess she doesn't really know how he feels about it. And she does kind of hate them and all.
I still think having a razor blade under your tongue would be scary business. I'd likely cut off my tongue.
"Stop it. I don't want to hear anymore," - 'any more'
"I need to make you understand—" - that's right you do need to make her understand because right now... it's just not okay.
"until she caught sight of her silver necklace with the golden flask still attached to it." - That's backwards. The flask was silver and the chain gold and I only just noticed it but you've gotten it wrong this whole chapter (and yes, I went back and double checked after I saw you had it wrong throughout).
"Knowing now that he had kept Roger's identity from her for the whole time they've known each other," - That's hardly fair, though I guess Michael doesn't know who she is yet..
Oh Roger...
What a good revealing chapter. :)
Roger, you should know not to piss off goddesses.
Ah Roger, you don't think you're worthy of Em, and you don't even really know all that much about her. I guess you know what kind of person she is but not WHO she is... :)
"Em watched in trepidation as Roger was surrounding." - surrounded
Poor Roger. It's not fair to him that Em hates Draconians... and pirates for that matter...
"You would extend your love to your sister, but not to me?"- It's not really fair... and I think Roger has done a lot more to deserve it than Annalyn ever did...
Em is kind of a bitch to keep calling him Draconian... though I guess she doesn't really know how he feels about it. And she does kind of hate them and all.
I still think having a razor blade under your tongue would be scary business. I'd likely cut off my tongue.
"Stop it. I don't want to hear anymore," - 'any more'
"I need to make you understand—" - that's right you do need to make her understand because right now... it's just not okay.
"until she caught sight of her silver necklace with the golden flask still attached to it." - That's backwards. The flask was silver and the chain gold and I only just noticed it but you've gotten it wrong this whole chapter (and yes, I went back and double checked after I saw you had it wrong throughout).
"Knowing now that he had kept Roger's identity from her for the whole time they've known each other," - That's hardly fair, though I guess Michael doesn't know who she is yet..
Oh Roger...
What a good revealing chapter. :)
8/12/2012 c28 Mak Hertz
So I guess Em's always been a little crazy when it comes to Roger...
"Son of a dragon's whore! Emelia is still down there!" - I'm grinning.
"She became acutely aware, still underneath the water, of something in the river quickly advance on her." - I'd say 'advancing'
"Em began to blindly thrash away in a desperate attempt to put some distance." - some distance where? Obviously we can assume between her and the alligators, but I still feel like it should be part of the sentence.
And Roger saves the day again, as this time I'd say she saved him too.
Heh. An intimate moment. :) You can't fight your subconscious.
Roger and Em make a pretty good team.
Poor Roger... always getting into fights with the wrong sorts of people.
Yeah I don't think fighting against a witchdoctor would ever be a good idea...
So I guess Em's always been a little crazy when it comes to Roger...
"Son of a dragon's whore! Emelia is still down there!" - I'm grinning.
"She became acutely aware, still underneath the water, of something in the river quickly advance on her." - I'd say 'advancing'
"Em began to blindly thrash away in a desperate attempt to put some distance." - some distance where? Obviously we can assume between her and the alligators, but I still feel like it should be part of the sentence.
And Roger saves the day again, as this time I'd say she saved him too.
Heh. An intimate moment. :) You can't fight your subconscious.
Roger and Em make a pretty good team.
Poor Roger... always getting into fights with the wrong sorts of people.
Yeah I don't think fighting against a witchdoctor would ever be a good idea...
8/12/2012 c27 Mak Hertz
"The Jolly Roger was berthed on a small beach a few yards away from a mouth of a river than went inland." - 'that went inland.'
I don't know what they were worried for... Michael isn't the type to steal a ship... at least not from Roger.
I wonder if they were kidnapped by the others.. (Lost reference in case you didn't catch it)
"The trees above generally shaded them from direct sunlight, but what light that did penetrate their leafy cover burned through their clothes." - but they're carrying a boat over their heads, surely that will block a majority of the sun?
sneaky alligators...
"The Jolly Roger was berthed on a small beach a few yards away from a mouth of a river than went inland." - 'that went inland.'
I don't know what they were worried for... Michael isn't the type to steal a ship... at least not from Roger.
I wonder if they were kidnapped by the others.. (Lost reference in case you didn't catch it)
"The trees above generally shaded them from direct sunlight, but what light that did penetrate their leafy cover burned through their clothes." - but they're carrying a boat over their heads, surely that will block a majority of the sun?
sneaky alligators...
8/12/2012 c26 Mak Hertz
"but the men on the main deck were all ready crowding around the sides of the ship." - there ya go again making me say that I prefer to use already.
"When the lava hardened, its cooled rock stayed red, and that contributes to the land's hue." - so I haven't mentioned this until now because I just automatically assume you always know more than me anyway... but there are quite a few instances where there are (to me at least) weird tense changes. I really want this to be 'contributed to the land's hue.' But again, I just assume you know more than me and it has something to do with talking about the present and not the past or something... so I've not really said anything before now. Either way, every time it disrupts my reading, and I finally thought it was time I mentioned it.
"water without severely damaging Roger's beloved ship." - that poor beloved ship doesn't know what's coming for it...
I just want to let you know that every time I see the word brazier, it makes me laugh. I have a friend who pronounces it as brassiere... and doesn't have a CLUE that's not actually what it is called.
Nonzenz - nonsense... I wonder if that's all he spouts.
"Y-Ye know 'ow to read Mermish, Cap'n?"- lol
Poor Em... only just now realizing why they were keeping her around. Just imagine how much worse it would be if she weren't a virgin...
"his chest burned with betrayal at the truth." - Well it's not like he's a virgin to feel betrayed by that... and plus, he never asked her.
"His eyes visually combed over the gruesome scene in front of him for any changes, but there was none." - i'd say 'there were none.' since we're looking for changes.
"We gave it whore's blood," - sheesh... someone's bitter.
Just out of curiosity, the songs that you have in here, do you actually have a tune in mind to sing them to or did you just construct poems?
I wonder if Roger feels bad now that he's got proof she's a virgin.
"they were careful not to touch the water as a precaution." - That's generally a good idea
Oh yeah... I forgot about scars being removed
"The white bands that had come from the manacles she'd worn as Pontius's slave was gone." - 'were gone'
"because he fully realized that this was the first time in three weeks that he was this close to her." - totally not what I expected to follow the because. I expected it to be something a little more selfish or hateful or something
Aw... they had a moment... :) Well kinda... since Roger's trying not to participate in it.
"but the men on the main deck were all ready crowding around the sides of the ship." - there ya go again making me say that I prefer to use already.
"When the lava hardened, its cooled rock stayed red, and that contributes to the land's hue." - so I haven't mentioned this until now because I just automatically assume you always know more than me anyway... but there are quite a few instances where there are (to me at least) weird tense changes. I really want this to be 'contributed to the land's hue.' But again, I just assume you know more than me and it has something to do with talking about the present and not the past or something... so I've not really said anything before now. Either way, every time it disrupts my reading, and I finally thought it was time I mentioned it.
"water without severely damaging Roger's beloved ship." - that poor beloved ship doesn't know what's coming for it...
I just want to let you know that every time I see the word brazier, it makes me laugh. I have a friend who pronounces it as brassiere... and doesn't have a CLUE that's not actually what it is called.
Nonzenz - nonsense... I wonder if that's all he spouts.
"Y-Ye know 'ow to read Mermish, Cap'n?"- lol
Poor Em... only just now realizing why they were keeping her around. Just imagine how much worse it would be if she weren't a virgin...
"his chest burned with betrayal at the truth." - Well it's not like he's a virgin to feel betrayed by that... and plus, he never asked her.
"His eyes visually combed over the gruesome scene in front of him for any changes, but there was none." - i'd say 'there were none.' since we're looking for changes.
"We gave it whore's blood," - sheesh... someone's bitter.
Just out of curiosity, the songs that you have in here, do you actually have a tune in mind to sing them to or did you just construct poems?
I wonder if Roger feels bad now that he's got proof she's a virgin.
"they were careful not to touch the water as a precaution." - That's generally a good idea
Oh yeah... I forgot about scars being removed
"The white bands that had come from the manacles she'd worn as Pontius's slave was gone." - 'were gone'
"because he fully realized that this was the first time in three weeks that he was this close to her." - totally not what I expected to follow the because. I expected it to be something a little more selfish or hateful or something
Aw... they had a moment... :) Well kinda... since Roger's trying not to participate in it.
8/11/2012 c25 Mak Hertz
Angry Roger is a mean Roger still... we'd best get that changed soon.
Aw poor Em... I knew she was going to get too uppity for Roger soon. But geez he's an angry person. It makes me quite sad.
And now he's just like crazy Roger... but at least he's stopped beating up Em... that's the part that made me most upset about his anger.
"The cruel captain immediately put her to work swabbing the deck all by herself." - well that sucks.
"He avoided speaking to at her once she was finally let out." - Looks like you've got an extra word in there.
"He was visiting the island on official trade business " - was he really, I thought he said he became a soldier?Or is this just what she's telling him? Maybe I completely read it wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.
"she could have beguiled him just as she deceived me when she kissed me." - HAH!
" the suspicion Em had planted inside of his head bloom into the truth." - 'bloomed into'
Hehe. I like this kind of angry Roger a lot more. :)
And yes, I lied about going to bed, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to stop... however, now I really am because I'm sooo tired.
Angry Roger is a mean Roger still... we'd best get that changed soon.
Aw poor Em... I knew she was going to get too uppity for Roger soon. But geez he's an angry person. It makes me quite sad.
And now he's just like crazy Roger... but at least he's stopped beating up Em... that's the part that made me most upset about his anger.
"The cruel captain immediately put her to work swabbing the deck all by herself." - well that sucks.
"He avoided speaking to at her once she was finally let out." - Looks like you've got an extra word in there.
"He was visiting the island on official trade business " - was he really, I thought he said he became a soldier?Or is this just what she's telling him? Maybe I completely read it wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.
"she could have beguiled him just as she deceived me when she kissed me." - HAH!
" the suspicion Em had planted inside of his head bloom into the truth." - 'bloomed into'
Hehe. I like this kind of angry Roger a lot more. :)
And yes, I lied about going to bed, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to stop... however, now I really am because I'm sooo tired.
8/11/2012 c24 Mak Hertz
"I'm starting to become positively mad with being around all these pirates," she muttered to herself, shaking of her head." - 'shaking her head.'
"I felt wearing something more familiar," she explained." - missing the like.
" She shook her head vigorously." - I took this to mean shook her head no... I'd say she nodded her head instead to avoid any confusion... though you do dispell any confusion by the next sentecnce.
"Em made sure to appear as calm and collect while still in his line of vision." - 'calm and collected'
Em is quite devious. It almost makes me wonder why she hasn't tried to escape yet and find a way home.
"I'd do anything for you," he said affectionately." - VOMIT. Where's Roger? P
"He removed his hand, but he'd done it at the same time she jerked her head away that he didn't know she'd done so at all." - I'm not overly fond of the wording of this sentence. It makes complete sense, but I just don't love it.
Yay! Roger to the rescue! :) I can't even begin to tell you how big my smile got when I realized he'd arrived on the scene.
Michael really doesn't keep any secrets from Em... right from the start he sucked at it.
"as she glanced out of the windows and saw that night had all ready fallen." - again, my personal preference is for this to be 'already' but you're the author, not me. :)
I suppose she kind of tells us in this chapter why she's not trying to escape. She's enjoying the freedom and she wants to make her own way back home.
And I'll admit, while Cicero is nice and polite and borderline happiness inducing, there is an odd edge to him.
Ooh an angry Roger, what a good chapter ending... too bad I need sleep and can't keep going.
"I'm starting to become positively mad with being around all these pirates," she muttered to herself, shaking of her head." - 'shaking her head.'
"I felt wearing something more familiar," she explained." - missing the like.
" She shook her head vigorously." - I took this to mean shook her head no... I'd say she nodded her head instead to avoid any confusion... though you do dispell any confusion by the next sentecnce.
"Em made sure to appear as calm and collect while still in his line of vision." - 'calm and collected'
Em is quite devious. It almost makes me wonder why she hasn't tried to escape yet and find a way home.
"I'd do anything for you," he said affectionately." - VOMIT. Where's Roger? P
"He removed his hand, but he'd done it at the same time she jerked her head away that he didn't know she'd done so at all." - I'm not overly fond of the wording of this sentence. It makes complete sense, but I just don't love it.
Yay! Roger to the rescue! :) I can't even begin to tell you how big my smile got when I realized he'd arrived on the scene.
Michael really doesn't keep any secrets from Em... right from the start he sucked at it.
"as she glanced out of the windows and saw that night had all ready fallen." - again, my personal preference is for this to be 'already' but you're the author, not me. :)
I suppose she kind of tells us in this chapter why she's not trying to escape. She's enjoying the freedom and she wants to make her own way back home.
And I'll admit, while Cicero is nice and polite and borderline happiness inducing, there is an odd edge to him.
Ooh an angry Roger, what a good chapter ending... too bad I need sleep and can't keep going.
8/11/2012 c23 Mak Hertz
"It hadn't been anticipated beforehand that Daryl would break his arm and thus rendering him nearly useless as Dread Robin's assistance." - personally I'd take out the and
"A toast to new beginnings."- Oh, look how clever you are, sneaking the title of the book in... :)
Another threat, eh? Interesting.
"It hadn't been anticipated beforehand that Daryl would break his arm and thus rendering him nearly useless as Dread Robin's assistance." - personally I'd take out the and
"A toast to new beginnings."- Oh, look how clever you are, sneaking the title of the book in... :)
Another threat, eh? Interesting.
8/11/2012 c22 Mak Hertz
Sheesh, Em's turned Roger into a drunk. :)
Silly man... don't you know that's always when you find something you don't want to? Or perhaps aren't ready to...
Hehe... Poor Roger... No wait, I'm quite happy about this... nevermind.
I strongly doubt Roger actually needs to tell Michael to not be in the room while she's getting dressed. He's got too good of manners for that. And then Michael's response makes me wonder if he knows what Roger witnessed.
"I mean, of course I regret it because you're a horrible pirate," - Oh my lord, this made me laugh so hard.
"she trailed away lamely and looked helplessly up at Roger, at lost for words." - 'at a loss for words.'
Ugh Pasicrates is a creep.
Sheesh, Em's turned Roger into a drunk. :)
Silly man... don't you know that's always when you find something you don't want to? Or perhaps aren't ready to...
Hehe... Poor Roger... No wait, I'm quite happy about this... nevermind.
I strongly doubt Roger actually needs to tell Michael to not be in the room while she's getting dressed. He's got too good of manners for that. And then Michael's response makes me wonder if he knows what Roger witnessed.
"I mean, of course I regret it because you're a horrible pirate," - Oh my lord, this made me laugh so hard.
"she trailed away lamely and looked helplessly up at Roger, at lost for words." - 'at a loss for words.'
Ugh Pasicrates is a creep.
8/11/2012 c21 Mak Hertz
"Haven't you ever seen her pining away for Tarym" - I could've sworn Michael was around at least once... but then, I guess I am wrong. lol
"Em sighed with relief at not having been caught" - of course we expect that will be short lived... :)
"but her mouth slowly thinned into a rebellious line." - I do wonder if she'll cause much trouble for Roger...
Oh Roger... you shouldn't cave to Em's whims even if it's just sitting down beside her. You'll never be the same man again... :) (Of course I'M quite happy about this, but he might not be - if this him were to look back on himself anyway...) Not sure if that really made sense, but it did to me.
"while Roger was still willing to listen to her ramble." - I do find it funny she's dumping all her problems/thoughts on him and he's just listening.
"She knew Dread Robin was skeptical of another 'vile personality' as as close as his own." - this setence doesn't quite make sense.
"But I never knew how badly he was treating her, and it makes everything about Annalyn more sense." - 'everything about Annalyn make more sense'
Oh Em, you're so cute. Why would you ever challenge Roger to a duel?
"As he tilted backward, he muttered "Bugger!" before falling in the water with a loud splash." - That is just... comical.
"Love is a weak and useless feeling. I don't love," - Ah... there's the Roger we all know and love and are used to by now...
Ah... their first kiss. I'd thought you were setting it up a few times already in this chapter, and then I figured it wouldn't come for a while yet... but there it was. :) They're so cute.
"Haven't you ever seen her pining away for Tarym" - I could've sworn Michael was around at least once... but then, I guess I am wrong. lol
"Em sighed with relief at not having been caught" - of course we expect that will be short lived... :)
"but her mouth slowly thinned into a rebellious line." - I do wonder if she'll cause much trouble for Roger...
Oh Roger... you shouldn't cave to Em's whims even if it's just sitting down beside her. You'll never be the same man again... :) (Of course I'M quite happy about this, but he might not be - if this him were to look back on himself anyway...) Not sure if that really made sense, but it did to me.
"while Roger was still willing to listen to her ramble." - I do find it funny she's dumping all her problems/thoughts on him and he's just listening.
"She knew Dread Robin was skeptical of another 'vile personality' as as close as his own." - this setence doesn't quite make sense.
"But I never knew how badly he was treating her, and it makes everything about Annalyn more sense." - 'everything about Annalyn make more sense'
Oh Em, you're so cute. Why would you ever challenge Roger to a duel?
"As he tilted backward, he muttered "Bugger!" before falling in the water with a loud splash." - That is just... comical.
"Love is a weak and useless feeling. I don't love," - Ah... there's the Roger we all know and love and are used to by now...
Ah... their first kiss. I'd thought you were setting it up a few times already in this chapter, and then I figured it wouldn't come for a while yet... but there it was. :) They're so cute.
8/8/2012 c20 Mak Hertz
I'll be honest, seeing crab apples made me think of real crab apples, and only upon reading this just now did I actually realize what you'd REALLY meant.
" having fallen off of the edge table it had sat on. - 'edge of the table it had...'
I do kind of feel like Em is unintentionally leading Michael on at this point still.
Ooh a note!
"he was slightly surprised to see Em all ready waiting for him in front of the front desk" - I'd have changed this to 'already waiting...'
"Em didn't want to have either Michael or Roger hovering over her; the latter who she knew already would resent her for." - for what exactly? for it perhaps?
"You smell quite nice tonight, Captain," - awkward much? lol
Roger is so silly trying to convince himself that he doesn't like Em. :)
Aw... Roger's making fun of Michael. Gosh I like Michael a lot too as stupid as he often is.
It's funny how Em wanted a dagger or something earlier and now that she's got a cutlass she just drops it to the floor... hehe
Ah yes, now you've dropped the bomb about the kidnapping... heh
I didn't think Em really knew who cut her hair, didn't she just kind of wake up in a jail cell and have no hair?
I was wondering why no one has heard the commotion and come to do something about it. Like Roger... or Michael who is actually upstairs now.
"Cicero felt like a cold invisible hand reached into his chest and crush his heart." - 'and crushed his heart'
Oh yeah, I forgot about the Helena thing. I had convinced myself that it was just a half-baked plan that Cicero came up with himself.
Ugh not Cicero too. Shall I just slap all the men in your story to get them to be less silly and stupid? :)
I'll be honest, seeing crab apples made me think of real crab apples, and only upon reading this just now did I actually realize what you'd REALLY meant.
" having fallen off of the edge table it had sat on. - 'edge of the table it had...'
I do kind of feel like Em is unintentionally leading Michael on at this point still.
Ooh a note!
"he was slightly surprised to see Em all ready waiting for him in front of the front desk" - I'd have changed this to 'already waiting...'
"Em didn't want to have either Michael or Roger hovering over her; the latter who she knew already would resent her for." - for what exactly? for it perhaps?
"You smell quite nice tonight, Captain," - awkward much? lol
Roger is so silly trying to convince himself that he doesn't like Em. :)
Aw... Roger's making fun of Michael. Gosh I like Michael a lot too as stupid as he often is.
It's funny how Em wanted a dagger or something earlier and now that she's got a cutlass she just drops it to the floor... hehe
Ah yes, now you've dropped the bomb about the kidnapping... heh
I didn't think Em really knew who cut her hair, didn't she just kind of wake up in a jail cell and have no hair?
I was wondering why no one has heard the commotion and come to do something about it. Like Roger... or Michael who is actually upstairs now.
"Cicero felt like a cold invisible hand reached into his chest and crush his heart." - 'and crushed his heart'
Oh yeah, I forgot about the Helena thing. I had convinced myself that it was just a half-baked plan that Cicero came up with himself.
Ugh not Cicero too. Shall I just slap all the men in your story to get them to be less silly and stupid? :)
8/8/2012 c19 Mak Hertz
"Em had never before in her life stepped foot on foreign land outside of the mainland of Tarym." - well that is typically what foreign land is considered... the land outside of your homeland. Personally I'd have just left foreign out. Or left off everything after land.
"Em knew the ambassadors more often than not only represented themselves." - like most politicians. And some of them don't even bother to do that anymore... they just do whatever they can to not actually have to do their jobs which they get paid WAAAAAY too much for... but I see I've gotten off topic.
'That's the idea of where the flag should go," - this doesn't actually start with a quotation mark.
Oh Michael... can I smack you yet? You're too silly sometimes. I'd forgotten about that.
Michael's all manhandling right now. At least he's stopped being so silly and mushy. :)
"Just as Michael had described, the captain kept The Jolly Roger heading toward the whirlpool. Just as the ship came up to its mouth, Roger sharply jerked the steering wheel to the right so the ship moved along the lip of the whirlpool's mouth." - I want you to get rid of one of the 'Just as' phrases here in these back to back sentences, please. I also want to take out the last part of the sentence after lip to avoid using the mouth twice, but that one's not as imporatnt in my mind.
I don't really understand Em's outburst of calling Roger mad. Clearly he's the experienced one on a ship. And while I wouldn't think it'd make sense to do what he did, it worked, and so why's she calling him mad now? He clearly knew what to do.
"so she completely clean for once." - that would be the worst part by FAR for me. But I guess you'd get used to it.
"It's clear to see that she's very plain." - Liar. The story just told us, at least in passing, that you thought otherwise. Silly man. Lying to yourself doesn't mean it'll go away. :)
"Em had never before in her life stepped foot on foreign land outside of the mainland of Tarym." - well that is typically what foreign land is considered... the land outside of your homeland. Personally I'd have just left foreign out. Or left off everything after land.
"Em knew the ambassadors more often than not only represented themselves." - like most politicians. And some of them don't even bother to do that anymore... they just do whatever they can to not actually have to do their jobs which they get paid WAAAAAY too much for... but I see I've gotten off topic.
'That's the idea of where the flag should go," - this doesn't actually start with a quotation mark.
Oh Michael... can I smack you yet? You're too silly sometimes. I'd forgotten about that.
Michael's all manhandling right now. At least he's stopped being so silly and mushy. :)
"Just as Michael had described, the captain kept The Jolly Roger heading toward the whirlpool. Just as the ship came up to its mouth, Roger sharply jerked the steering wheel to the right so the ship moved along the lip of the whirlpool's mouth." - I want you to get rid of one of the 'Just as' phrases here in these back to back sentences, please. I also want to take out the last part of the sentence after lip to avoid using the mouth twice, but that one's not as imporatnt in my mind.
I don't really understand Em's outburst of calling Roger mad. Clearly he's the experienced one on a ship. And while I wouldn't think it'd make sense to do what he did, it worked, and so why's she calling him mad now? He clearly knew what to do.
"so she completely clean for once." - that would be the worst part by FAR for me. But I guess you'd get used to it.
"It's clear to see that she's very plain." - Liar. The story just told us, at least in passing, that you thought otherwise. Silly man. Lying to yourself doesn't mean it'll go away. :)
8/7/2012 c18 Mak Hertz
"As if her boy's clothes hadn't been anymore loose on her frame," - I know not everyone stands by this but I would prefer it to read 'hadn't been any more loose...' instead. Depends on which stance you take on this particular word.
I can't imagine putting on Roger's overcoat is going to turn out well...
"Like a club, it kept catching Joshua around his torso despite the doctor's attempts to pin it down." - lol like it has a mind of its own.
"Daryl's whole body froze, and so did the three people restraining him out of horror." - lol... well Roger had the best solution I guess.
Poor Michael. I think I've said that a million times, but it's still true.
"She didn't want anyone protecting her anymore." - and yet that doesn't exactly happen either.
"With Cicero?"- bleh. Michael you don't even know...
"To Em, love was supposed to be gradual, with two people falling more deeply for each other with each passing day." - Hmmm... no comment :)
"She bit her bottom lip hard and nearly split the all ready cracked skin." - 'already cracked skin'
" She watched as his wide shoulders seemed to slump forward as if a burden had befallen upon them." - I personall would reword this as: "She watched his wide shoulders slump forward as if a burden had..." - the original way has more 'as's than I like...
"He said you weren't fit to stay at sea"- I'm snickering about this right now.
"I won't be helpless anymore," - this is another instance where my use of the words comes into play and I'd have put 'helpless any more,' - also I disagree with her statement, though I imaigne she'll try. :)
"It's the taste of freedom, Princess. Having experienced it, you can't go back," - I imagine that won't be the only thing that'll keep her from going back once she's experienced it...
"As if her boy's clothes hadn't been anymore loose on her frame," - I know not everyone stands by this but I would prefer it to read 'hadn't been any more loose...' instead. Depends on which stance you take on this particular word.
I can't imagine putting on Roger's overcoat is going to turn out well...
"Like a club, it kept catching Joshua around his torso despite the doctor's attempts to pin it down." - lol like it has a mind of its own.
"Daryl's whole body froze, and so did the three people restraining him out of horror." - lol... well Roger had the best solution I guess.
Poor Michael. I think I've said that a million times, but it's still true.
"She didn't want anyone protecting her anymore." - and yet that doesn't exactly happen either.
"With Cicero?"- bleh. Michael you don't even know...
"To Em, love was supposed to be gradual, with two people falling more deeply for each other with each passing day." - Hmmm... no comment :)
"She bit her bottom lip hard and nearly split the all ready cracked skin." - 'already cracked skin'
" She watched as his wide shoulders seemed to slump forward as if a burden had befallen upon them." - I personall would reword this as: "She watched his wide shoulders slump forward as if a burden had..." - the original way has more 'as's than I like...
"He said you weren't fit to stay at sea"- I'm snickering about this right now.
"I won't be helpless anymore," - this is another instance where my use of the words comes into play and I'd have put 'helpless any more,' - also I disagree with her statement, though I imaigne she'll try. :)
"It's the taste of freedom, Princess. Having experienced it, you can't go back," - I imagine that won't be the only thing that'll keep her from going back once she's experienced it...
8/6/2012 c17 Mak Hertz
Of course the ship was in a real storm.
Good thing she got tangled up in a rope then.
"She heard a satisfying yelp from the captain before he slapped her hard across the face." - Aw they're so cute...
"Em didn't dare point out that he too had almost slept through the storm." - same thing I was thinking.
""What in Portunus's hairy b—ahh!' "- This should have been closed with a quotation mark not an apostrophe. However, I am quite amused by him saying this...
I feel bad for whoever is beating up Em... doubt it'll end well for him.
Oh Michael, Em will do whatever she wants when she wants. She's like a monkey, sneaking away while your back is turned and climbing things.
Oh Em... you should've been a better monkey. Tie your tail around the branch you're on. Everyone knows this. :)
And Michael, I just want to smack you. You're too sweet, but seriously... get over her already. Move on. That ship has sailed.
I wonder why Roger is so worried to get her back on board? How curious this is... :)
Roger's always wanting to save people... it makes you wonder if he's hoping she'll feel indebted for saving her life. Or, more importantly, why he even cares anyway. I doubt he cares THAT much about Michael and what he wants.
Hmm... I wonder if the appearance of the mermaid means anything or if I'm trying to read too much into it.
" intended to protect her from the rain that still pelted the ship." - I think it's late to worry about that since she's soaking wet...
Oh Roger, it's not a mystery to US. And poor Michael... I just keep shaking my head at the poor boy.
Even though technically Michael wanted to save her this time.
"Since you seemed well taken cared for, Princess, I'll tend to Daryl's arm." - Jealous much? And it should say either "well taken care of" or "well cared for".
Poor Michael. He deserves better. :( He's so sweet, but it was inevitable.
Of course the ship was in a real storm.
Good thing she got tangled up in a rope then.
"She heard a satisfying yelp from the captain before he slapped her hard across the face." - Aw they're so cute...
"Em didn't dare point out that he too had almost slept through the storm." - same thing I was thinking.
""What in Portunus's hairy b—ahh!' "- This should have been closed with a quotation mark not an apostrophe. However, I am quite amused by him saying this...
I feel bad for whoever is beating up Em... doubt it'll end well for him.
Oh Michael, Em will do whatever she wants when she wants. She's like a monkey, sneaking away while your back is turned and climbing things.
Oh Em... you should've been a better monkey. Tie your tail around the branch you're on. Everyone knows this. :)
And Michael, I just want to smack you. You're too sweet, but seriously... get over her already. Move on. That ship has sailed.
I wonder why Roger is so worried to get her back on board? How curious this is... :)
Roger's always wanting to save people... it makes you wonder if he's hoping she'll feel indebted for saving her life. Or, more importantly, why he even cares anyway. I doubt he cares THAT much about Michael and what he wants.
Hmm... I wonder if the appearance of the mermaid means anything or if I'm trying to read too much into it.
" intended to protect her from the rain that still pelted the ship." - I think it's late to worry about that since she's soaking wet...
Oh Roger, it's not a mystery to US. And poor Michael... I just keep shaking my head at the poor boy.
Even though technically Michael wanted to save her this time.
"Since you seemed well taken cared for, Princess, I'll tend to Daryl's arm." - Jealous much? And it should say either "well taken care of" or "well cared for".
Poor Michael. He deserves better. :( He's so sweet, but it was inevitable.
8/5/2012 c16 Mak Hertz
As if night time parties with Roger weren't enough, now Michael's hanging out in her bedroom. _
Well if they all believed Amelia Kraven had gut feelings, surely they'd believe her too. Or they could think she was trying to copyat her since she already stole her mother's last name too.
" I called for help, and the guards rescued him."- She told Michael this... I know she said she was a noble, but was it common for the nobles to have guards? I guess maybe they would if they lived on the coast and feared pirate attacks or something.
Poor Michael needs to get it through his head that Em's just not quite into him. Poor Michael. I feel bad for him.
"Em had only thought such stories as merely myths and rumors that preceded the greatly reputed." - the greatly reputed what?
I guess Em's scars have faded then? I don't much remember them anyway.
I think Em expects violence from Roger way more than she should. But I guess she's not had great experiences with pirates up until now... and he does have a reputation.
Roger is still quite a mystery, but a good one.
As if night time parties with Roger weren't enough, now Michael's hanging out in her bedroom. _
Well if they all believed Amelia Kraven had gut feelings, surely they'd believe her too. Or they could think she was trying to copyat her since she already stole her mother's last name too.
" I called for help, and the guards rescued him."- She told Michael this... I know she said she was a noble, but was it common for the nobles to have guards? I guess maybe they would if they lived on the coast and feared pirate attacks or something.
Poor Michael needs to get it through his head that Em's just not quite into him. Poor Michael. I feel bad for him.
"Em had only thought such stories as merely myths and rumors that preceded the greatly reputed." - the greatly reputed what?
I guess Em's scars have faded then? I don't much remember them anyway.
I think Em expects violence from Roger way more than she should. But I guess she's not had great experiences with pirates up until now... and he does have a reputation.
Roger is still quite a mystery, but a good one.