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3/19/2011 c9 4Compton
Another great chapter. These are the Chapters you submit to the awards people.

Make sure the pace is good, this seemed to go a little fast. Stop and smell the roses a little bit.

Also check and make sure nothing is forced. Not necessarily this chapter, but in the future.

Nice job.

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3/19/2011 c8 Compton
Another good Chapter, nice job leaving us guessing, but DONT do that too early without getting into depth of things. When doing things like that, make sure that everything is put together by the end.

Nice description with everything, make sure the reader can view it as a movie kind of thing. Make sure everything is visualized.

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3/19/2011 c7 Compton
The dialogue is great, flowed perfectly, keep that up. Because if you don't the story won't be right anymore.

Characters are Awesome too, the devolopment has gone great. And the relationships are believable, and that is good.

Keep up the good work! :)
3/19/2011 c6 Compton
Ok, um don't have to capitalize things. Just simply putting the normal lowercase words with an exclamation point will do. Of course, always spell out numbers.

Other than that, great description to visualize what is actually happening. Nice job with that though.
3/19/2011 c5 Compton
Actually, with this parenthesis, you don't have to put it. Change it or anything, you can really just rip it out.

(although there are other reasons)

Yeah, no need whatsoever. If there are other reasons, they'll come to light later.

But that is about it, nice chapter, dialogue flowed great, nice job.
3/19/2011 c4 Compton
Ok I'm not going to continuesly remind you about the parenthesis, because I've done it for a while now, but this is actually what is IN the parenthesis.

If she used to call him Darty, instead of just saying she used to call him, say something like

she replied using her playful name for him.

Other than that, nice chapter, great pace, not going to fast or slow, but MAKE SURE you keep that going, a story can go out of hand fast, so make sure you keep it at the pace it is located at now.
3/19/2011 c3 Compton
Ok, now I can actually start what I wanted to end with last Chapter because it happened again.

Actually, unless for some unknown reason you need parenthesis, just cut them out of your story, add it in as a detail, not a sidebar fact. To mention Natashia was still awake, just say

Natashia, who was still awake,

I think you have parenthesis mixed with where commas should be. Because parethesis imply a sidebar fact, and you don't want that.

Anyway, everything else is in order, nice with all this. I would HIGHLY recommend a beta reader for this story because this story could be a whole lot better with one. Maybe even recieve one of those FictionPress awards! But these are the things holding you back.

Nice chapter.
3/19/2011 c2 Compton
Ok, overall nice chapter, good job with the description, and that was good.

First let's just start on ALWAYS spell out numbers. Always, I don't know why, because I got a whole bunch of reviews saying to do it, but apparently it looks a whole lot better, which it does I agree, spelling out numbers is important, always do that.

Next, when describing a room, DON'T put it in parenthesis! Your writing in third person which makes this all easier. Just put it in a sentence like so:


which cost around Five billion Gias (Gias is the currency of Eslengia; Esti is the currency for Lestinia; Clar is the currency of Enclarton; Thi is the currency of Xinthia and Ad is the currency for Bradinia).

Right here, you don't necessarily have to tell all the currency, just fill them in later when it is used.


which cost around Five billion Gias, the official currency of Eslengia,

See, a whole lot easier. I know it is good to fill the info in early, but it only needs to be done when it is used. And one more:

They all went to the dining table (which was near the living room only that it is separated by a piano and a wall behind it; and of course, there is a door).

NO! Always have description as a part of the sentence, like this.


They all went to the dining table near the living room only that it is separated by a piano and a wall behind it.

If you have to add "of course", the reader should know there is a door there just by common sense.

Anyway, nice chapter, I would write more but as the review get's deeper, the scroll bar flips up on every letter, and it is hard to write.

Nice chapter all the same.
3/19/2011 c1 Compton
These are the kind of prologues that if they don't bring you in, your just reading it to flame, or you are just weird, no matter what genre you like, this is great. I mean there are going to be a number of people who don't like this story, but it will be trumped by the people who do, and if the rest of your chapters follow up this, we have a great story on our hands! :)

And nice with the grammer, and adding respectively, but you don't need parenthesis, just add a comma. As in:

At the South and North Poles, there lie blocks of ice surrounding the continents Lestinia and Enclarton, respectively.

Yeah, just a simple mishap, but nice job all the same because this is awesome!

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