
2/14/2011 c7
31HeroofEnelios
Wow, I was not expecting something like that at the end of the chapter. Sheesh you know how to keep the suspense. Kudos. An awesome chapter and now I'm off to read A Princess Summoning.

Wow, I was not expecting something like that at the end of the chapter. Sheesh you know how to keep the suspense. Kudos. An awesome chapter and now I'm off to read A Princess Summoning.
2/14/2011 c1 Flamewarrior
This sucks it sjst like the paper bag princess
This sucks it sjst like the paper bag princess
2/14/2011 c7 mebedusty
so the plot thickens
so the plot thickens
2/14/2011 c6 dusty
one of those images looked like Japanese Justin Bieber
one of those images looked like Japanese Justin Bieber
2/14/2011 c5 dusty
i'm still reading
but this chapter was hard for me to read
i'm still reading
but this chapter was hard for me to read
2/14/2011 c4 dustyagain
i was able to understand it well enough
maybe a couple more translations
i was able to understand it well enough
maybe a couple more translations
2/14/2011 c3 dusty
hey monica
You have about one page to capture the readers attention when your reader is looking for a good story
Just thought not enough of interest happened in the first chapter
it was a good first chapter just a little boring for some people
if you hook someone on the first chapter they'll likely read all of your story
but if they don't like the first page they'll be done right there
people have low attention spans
it's a good story though
hey monica
You have about one page to capture the readers attention when your reader is looking for a good story
Just thought not enough of interest happened in the first chapter
it was a good first chapter just a little boring for some people
if you hook someone on the first chapter they'll likely read all of your story
but if they don't like the first page they'll be done right there
people have low attention spans
it's a good story though
2/6/2011 c6
5Victoria Stokes
OH MY GOSH that ending was amazing. hahaha this was my favorite chapter so far i think.
the only suggestion i have is when it does the flashback, maybe do an intro into it saying "he thought back to their first meeting" or whatever fits cause, even though it was italacized, i was confused for a few sentences haha.
well, i really like puck and amelia both :) that magic fairy changing the gender killed me, i was laughing so hard! haha i thought he was going to realize what had happened, but that was so unexpected. loved it! i can't wait to see what happens next. good job ^_^

OH MY GOSH that ending was amazing. hahaha this was my favorite chapter so far i think.
the only suggestion i have is when it does the flashback, maybe do an intro into it saying "he thought back to their first meeting" or whatever fits cause, even though it was italacized, i was confused for a few sentences haha.
well, i really like puck and amelia both :) that magic fairy changing the gender killed me, i was laughing so hard! haha i thought he was going to realize what had happened, but that was so unexpected. loved it! i can't wait to see what happens next. good job ^_^
2/4/2011 c6
31HeroofEnelios
Puck seems like an adorable character, one I will surely remember. People should not be abandoned, it's wrong. Andrew is keeping his cool, but Amelia seems to be better at it. Hm...
A wonderful chapter and now I'm off to read A Princess Summoning. You'll here from me shortly!
Happy to be reading!

Puck seems like an adorable character, one I will surely remember. People should not be abandoned, it's wrong. Andrew is keeping his cool, but Amelia seems to be better at it. Hm...
A wonderful chapter and now I'm off to read A Princess Summoning. You'll here from me shortly!
Happy to be reading!
2/4/2011 c6 draco oblivion
Lol. Was Andrew sleeping with Puck as well as his sister? He'll tak advantage of anyone he can won't he? (shakes head)
Lol. Was Andrew sleeping with Puck as well as his sister? He'll tak advantage of anyone he can won't he? (shakes head)
2/3/2011 c5
5Victoria Stokes
there were a few spelling mistakes, but i forgot to put them down. they weren't major though, so a reread would fix them :)
alright, i really liked kai's and andrew's convo. it made me laugh haha. and i like kai a lot. he's kind of arrogant, acutally he's very arrogant, yet i imagine him sort of cute xD
"I don't know how exactly you were taught back in Girre, but here in the Dragon Kingdom, the way you act is actually worth something." - this made me go "OH" haha. epic line.
so yeah. funny chapter. very enjoyable. liked the banter. and good job :)

there were a few spelling mistakes, but i forgot to put them down. they weren't major though, so a reread would fix them :)
alright, i really liked kai's and andrew's convo. it made me laugh haha. and i like kai a lot. he's kind of arrogant, acutally he's very arrogant, yet i imagine him sort of cute xD
"I don't know how exactly you were taught back in Girre, but here in the Dragon Kingdom, the way you act is actually worth something." - this made me go "OH" haha. epic line.
so yeah. funny chapter. very enjoyable. liked the banter. and good job :)
2/3/2011 c6
4Reiki Convulsion
Haha, first thing I did was google the characters. Then I checked out the review page and my mouth dropped upon seeing what the Archimage left you...wow, now that is constructive feedback at its best! It certainly is an honour to have someone go through your work that throughly!
Anyways, I digress.
I don't know if I've asked you this before but...where did you get the idea for the name Puck? I'm totally curious because when I read Puck I immeadiately think of the prankster fairy Puck from Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. Hehe, I read it in grade nine.
Also, my favourite line(s) from this chapter:
'Unless…
"A magical fairy came in and changed Andrew's gender!" Puck said'
Oh man, was not expecting that. I was totally expecting him to say, you know, the truth. So I did burst out laughing, just so you know. By the way, I'm going to wagger that Puck's going to be a major character in this considering you've given him a backstory and all.
Oh Amelia, such a brave girl. I really did enjoy this little turn of events with Amelia going out now to rescue the 'princess'.
Hehe, hear from you soon~

Haha, first thing I did was google the characters. Then I checked out the review page and my mouth dropped upon seeing what the Archimage left you...wow, now that is constructive feedback at its best! It certainly is an honour to have someone go through your work that throughly!
Anyways, I digress.
I don't know if I've asked you this before but...where did you get the idea for the name Puck? I'm totally curious because when I read Puck I immeadiately think of the prankster fairy Puck from Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. Hehe, I read it in grade nine.
Also, my favourite line(s) from this chapter:
'Unless…
"A magical fairy came in and changed Andrew's gender!" Puck said'
Oh man, was not expecting that. I was totally expecting him to say, you know, the truth. So I did burst out laughing, just so you know. By the way, I'm going to wagger that Puck's going to be a major character in this considering you've given him a backstory and all.
Oh Amelia, such a brave girl. I really did enjoy this little turn of events with Amelia going out now to rescue the 'princess'.
Hehe, hear from you soon~
2/3/2011 c1
2TheArchimage
I could be nitpicky. I see a lot of basic mechanical errors, a lot of spelling and homonym mistakes, clunky sentence structure, and other such errors. I could spend a long review on those alone. But there are much bigger problems with this story, so I will relent for now. This is the last bit of kindness you can expect from me. Remember, you asked for it.
Is the incest really necessary to the story? Yes, you put an author's note about how you've already gotten a lot of complaints about it. Why, then, is the incest still there? Why do you feel it is necessary to be part of the story. It feels like it is only there to justify Andrew's feelings and reactions. As though his not wanting Amelia to go away would not feel real enough or true enough unless he was romantically in love with her. Never mind sibling love, or any sort of ugly rumor about the dragons, or even misunderstandings or bad impressions left by meeting the dragons (Kai and Andrew in the garden is a major missed opportunity on this front, and I can't for the life of me understand why you skipped it) would be reason enough to give him second thoughts about this whole mess. I consider that a pretty severe failure of imagination, and it distracts from the main storyline. This is especially true because very little effort is spent justifying, explaining, or even just getting the reader to sympathize with Andrew's love. Incest is very risky for little reward; even if it is done well there is not much payoff, but done badly it can poison everything else in the story. I don't see a reason why it can't be cut out entirely.
But all that is just a symptom of an even more serious problem; Andrew is an unlikeable character with no redeeming qualities. You are expecting the reader to sympathize and relate to a childish, incestuous whiner who sulks when he doesn't get his way, doesn't care about his sister's reputation (if incest is taboo even among the royal family, one would expect him to be a little more careful about hiding it), would gleefully start a war and leave thousands to die if it means he can keep boinking his sister, is prideful almost to the point of parody, and treats everyone with barely-concealed contempt regardless of whether they deserve the mistreatment or not. We are told he is an able ruler, but nothing we are shown suggests this and in fact many of his actions contradict it. A detestable main character is the kiss of death to any story. Fix this first.
A related issue is in Kai's character. I suspect the intent is for a large portion of the humor to come from the interaction between Andrew and Kai. From Andrew's constant barrage of distaste I feel we are not supposed to like Kai, but in every conversation Kai ends up looking like the better man. More importantly, though, these conversations are simply dull. Kai makes a simple comment, Andrew falls all over himself trying to show how disgusted he is, repeat until the reader's eyes glaze over. Character-driven humor needs big characters with big personalities. Kai must demand and command attention, and this doesn't happen with mild character traits. He should not be well-spoken, a little bit vain, and quietly certain of his desirability; he needs to speak like he's thumbing through a thesaurus between sentences, lay himself out in extravagant poses to show off his "best side" (alternatively, "Every side is my best side"), and act as though "Amelia" should be ready to jump him at any moment. If we're supposed to be disgusted with Kai's behavior, make us FEEL it. You can hint at deeper complexity if that's where you want to go, but realistic personalities aren't very effective humor.
Another big problem is how sparse the descriptions are. I cannot get into the story because I don't know how anything is supposed to look. Does the first scene take place in a regal and opulent receiving hall? A private chamber? A bedroom? What do the prince and princess look like? I know they look alike, but whether Andrew has feminine features or Amelia has masculine features is unexplained. Or the king, for that matter? A large, physically intimidating king would give the first scene a much different feel than a small, weak, or sickly king. General Mack's description in chapter 3 was good (even though the description reveals an earned respect which Andrew never mentions or considers and instead refutes everywhere else in the chapter). Now do one like that for every other character and we'll see where we're at.
Okay. Chapter 4. Random Japanese. NO. Do not do this. I know it's popular in original manga and in anime fanfics, but please resist the urge. Nobody cares how much Japanese you know; in the middle of the story is not the time to show off. It is jarring. It immediately pulls the reader out of the story. It immediately shuts out any ready who does not understand Japanese. There is no reason not to simply use, "He asked in her native tongue," and then use English. Just... no. I apologize for being so strong about this, it is one of my pet peeves. But it is very distracting and a bad habit you'll need to kick yourself out of.
Overall, this story needs a lot of work. It is classified as a "humor/romance", but the romance is stomach-turning and the humor mostly revolves around an unpleasant git being unpleasant and expecting the audience to sympathize with him. It would immediately be many times better with a different main character; I seriously cannot overstate how much damage Andrew is doing. Get that taken care of, pronto. After that, retool Kai into someone who's actually funny. Brush up on the descriptions. THEN you can start working on all the typos and grammatical errors.

I could be nitpicky. I see a lot of basic mechanical errors, a lot of spelling and homonym mistakes, clunky sentence structure, and other such errors. I could spend a long review on those alone. But there are much bigger problems with this story, so I will relent for now. This is the last bit of kindness you can expect from me. Remember, you asked for it.
Is the incest really necessary to the story? Yes, you put an author's note about how you've already gotten a lot of complaints about it. Why, then, is the incest still there? Why do you feel it is necessary to be part of the story. It feels like it is only there to justify Andrew's feelings and reactions. As though his not wanting Amelia to go away would not feel real enough or true enough unless he was romantically in love with her. Never mind sibling love, or any sort of ugly rumor about the dragons, or even misunderstandings or bad impressions left by meeting the dragons (Kai and Andrew in the garden is a major missed opportunity on this front, and I can't for the life of me understand why you skipped it) would be reason enough to give him second thoughts about this whole mess. I consider that a pretty severe failure of imagination, and it distracts from the main storyline. This is especially true because very little effort is spent justifying, explaining, or even just getting the reader to sympathize with Andrew's love. Incest is very risky for little reward; even if it is done well there is not much payoff, but done badly it can poison everything else in the story. I don't see a reason why it can't be cut out entirely.
But all that is just a symptom of an even more serious problem; Andrew is an unlikeable character with no redeeming qualities. You are expecting the reader to sympathize and relate to a childish, incestuous whiner who sulks when he doesn't get his way, doesn't care about his sister's reputation (if incest is taboo even among the royal family, one would expect him to be a little more careful about hiding it), would gleefully start a war and leave thousands to die if it means he can keep boinking his sister, is prideful almost to the point of parody, and treats everyone with barely-concealed contempt regardless of whether they deserve the mistreatment or not. We are told he is an able ruler, but nothing we are shown suggests this and in fact many of his actions contradict it. A detestable main character is the kiss of death to any story. Fix this first.
A related issue is in Kai's character. I suspect the intent is for a large portion of the humor to come from the interaction between Andrew and Kai. From Andrew's constant barrage of distaste I feel we are not supposed to like Kai, but in every conversation Kai ends up looking like the better man. More importantly, though, these conversations are simply dull. Kai makes a simple comment, Andrew falls all over himself trying to show how disgusted he is, repeat until the reader's eyes glaze over. Character-driven humor needs big characters with big personalities. Kai must demand and command attention, and this doesn't happen with mild character traits. He should not be well-spoken, a little bit vain, and quietly certain of his desirability; he needs to speak like he's thumbing through a thesaurus between sentences, lay himself out in extravagant poses to show off his "best side" (alternatively, "Every side is my best side"), and act as though "Amelia" should be ready to jump him at any moment. If we're supposed to be disgusted with Kai's behavior, make us FEEL it. You can hint at deeper complexity if that's where you want to go, but realistic personalities aren't very effective humor.
Another big problem is how sparse the descriptions are. I cannot get into the story because I don't know how anything is supposed to look. Does the first scene take place in a regal and opulent receiving hall? A private chamber? A bedroom? What do the prince and princess look like? I know they look alike, but whether Andrew has feminine features or Amelia has masculine features is unexplained. Or the king, for that matter? A large, physically intimidating king would give the first scene a much different feel than a small, weak, or sickly king. General Mack's description in chapter 3 was good (even though the description reveals an earned respect which Andrew never mentions or considers and instead refutes everywhere else in the chapter). Now do one like that for every other character and we'll see where we're at.
Okay. Chapter 4. Random Japanese. NO. Do not do this. I know it's popular in original manga and in anime fanfics, but please resist the urge. Nobody cares how much Japanese you know; in the middle of the story is not the time to show off. It is jarring. It immediately pulls the reader out of the story. It immediately shuts out any ready who does not understand Japanese. There is no reason not to simply use, "He asked in her native tongue," and then use English. Just... no. I apologize for being so strong about this, it is one of my pet peeves. But it is very distracting and a bad habit you'll need to kick yourself out of.
Overall, this story needs a lot of work. It is classified as a "humor/romance", but the romance is stomach-turning and the humor mostly revolves around an unpleasant git being unpleasant and expecting the audience to sympathize with him. It would immediately be many times better with a different main character; I seriously cannot overstate how much damage Andrew is doing. Get that taken care of, pronto. After that, retool Kai into someone who's actually funny. Brush up on the descriptions. THEN you can start working on all the typos and grammatical errors.
2/1/2011 c5
4Reiki Convulsion
Haha, wearing it like a boy! Well, why would he have bothered to read about how girls dress themselves in the dragon kingdom? Of course he put it on the manly way! :P

Haha, wearing it like a boy! Well, why would he have bothered to read about how girls dress themselves in the dragon kingdom? Of course he put it on the manly way! :P
2/1/2011 c5
31HeroofEnelios
Why do I get the feeling that eventually Andrew is going to be found out and all sorts of chaos is gonna break out because he impersonated his sister to protect her? Kai won't be happy, I'm sure. Another excellent chapter I say!

Why do I get the feeling that eventually Andrew is going to be found out and all sorts of chaos is gonna break out because he impersonated his sister to protect her? Kai won't be happy, I'm sure. Another excellent chapter I say!