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for Twist of Daisy

1/16/2011 c1 5Victoria Stokes
i was about to go to bed, but then i remembered, "OH. i got to read Choppy's daisy story!" so here i am ^_^

alright. i won't bother with the spelling/grammar/tense nit picking cause i'm sure everyone else has already gotten to that before me. strangely, the brother/sister pairing didn't freak me out. haha i thought it was interesting. it seems like in their world it's not weird, so i didn't find it weird. good job with that. and i liked how the dragons can take a human form. it sounds rather creepy but cool :)

andrew cried a lot this chapter. crying guys always made me uncomfortable. i don't know why, but that's just me. haha he seems very . . . hot headed and stubborn. but he also leaves a lot of room for character developement, so i'm curious as to where you're gonna go with him.

there's no real advice i can give to help improvement because your writing is already decent and i think they only way you can really get better is to keep writing. that's what stephen king says, after all!

i think this will be a good story. good job choppy ^_^
1/15/2011 c2 31HeroofEnelios
Glad to be reading this! A clever and wonderful chapter. All the characters are unique and cleverly thought out. I can't wait to read more!
1/15/2011 c2 1stillouette
This is really good! It was kinda weird when Andrew put on the dress, though, but your writing's still REALLY good! Update soon! You keep writing and I'll keep reading!
1/15/2011 c1 stillouette
This story is very well written! I love where you are going with it so far, but the twins loving each other thing is kinda weird... Anyway, besides that, I really enjoyed your story!
8/10/2010 c1 1Faywriter
Thank you for asking me and I read it and found it entertaining. After reading I have a few suggestions which might help.

1. It seems other worldly but you might want to give a little more description of your world so your readers have more of a "Mind Picture" of it. ( In the writer's world we call that fleshing it out)

2. This puck fellow I'm assuming is the brown haired boy but I'm having trouble understanding his significance. He seems as if he is there in a supportive sense but what is his role to the twins and the King or kingdom?

3. And what kind of race are your characters and do they share a special power that if seperated renders them less than if together? Or have I got that wrong? And what of their parents, you speak of the king but what is he like? And what of their mother? Or is she not important?

4. The Dragons seem like a fierce Cunning but devilish race of beings that can change form but yet again, you need to "flesh them out" so you can better understand why it is so important to make them happy and why it is necessary to propose this trade with the princess and or prince. At some point in the story or future chapter to try to give the reader more of an idea of who this race is. Maybe give background as to where they're from and customs or mannerisms to mention a few.

5. You mentioned half-soul what does that mean and is that part of their race? power? etc?

6.You might want to work a little on your grammar as some things tend to run together and seem a bit disconnected. But that is a common mistake alot of writers make at times. I am however looking forward to future installments of this story because I would like to know of their fates.

7. I was curious of Amelia and Andrew's ages, are they teenagers or younger? They seem to be teenagers with a firm grasp on the understanding of relationship issues but I was wondering.

With all that said I hope I didn't bog you down too much. It's good and I look forward to more. Good luck
8/9/2010 c1 5thehaikubandit
Well I found the twin thing a little um, odd but on the whole it is an interesting idea. I would be interested to see where it goes, the ending was very ""to be continued".
8/8/2010 c1 31HeroofEnelios
I like this story. This is a really interesting idea, and I can't wait to see where you and your co-author Mo The Forensic One go with this. Great first chapter. :)
8/8/2010 c1 1Nate Twitty
this was really well written, far better than my third person writtings by far. That's why i write in first person. I know you'll probably get this a lot, but the whole brother+sister=love thing is gross. even if it was olden times, but still a good story. but now i'm conflicted. sure i like your writting style, but i'm sorta grossed out. whatever, i'm going to check out you other stuff.
8/8/2010 c1 6The Sin of Being
Wait a minute, the TWINS are in love with each other? Excuse me will I vomit. EW. I find that revolting. But I said I would co author, and I will. Just don't expect me to mention that to much. I realize that in the older times, brothers and sisters married each other, but I still think it's wierd.

I loved the ending though. But who the hell are the Icebreakers? and can you give me a discription, and denral personality thing before I being to write?
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