8/8/2010 c1 6Lillian Dooley
Eh...could use a little work, but it seems interesting. Lengthen it. Make it seem more of a journal. Put a date at the top. It didn't seem like a journal at first. Establish the journal, or even discard that idea altogether. Just make sure the readers know what format they are reading. It helps aid understanding. Also, keep in mind that journal entries don't often show immediate or sudden action. And make sure it's all in one tense. I've seen a perfectly good story ruined by a distracting tense problem. Don't get me wrong, I will most certainly be reading more. Seems interesting. Just don't expect everyone to act that way. If you can, explainthe rings. The woman clearly knows something about them, it's just that it is never revealed or shown directly. I apologize. I'm nitpicking. Keep on writing, though. I'm looking forward to more and I'm curious to see your writing style and techniques.