for Bones8/8/2010 c1 
21Coffee Cups and Candle Jars
The scary this is that I can picture a bunch of dumbas$es actually doing that.
21Coffee Cups and Candle JarsThe scary this is that I can picture a bunch of dumbas$es actually doing that.
8/8/2010 c1 19S. M. Saves
Short and simple. You could definitely turn this into a longer story if you wanted. There's a lot of potential.
You changed your verb tenses during Amanda's POV. She starts off by telling the reader what's going on in present tense then she switches to past tense at the line "They cackled at me and stared." Change the past to present.
Also: "Mike and his cahoot [are] surrounding me."
"He took out a few baseball bats.": Mike has the ability to make items materialize out of nowhere?
Since this is such a short piece there isn't much room for character descriptions but you can still do a little to describe Mike and his cahoot. What do these lowlifes look like? Are these your stereotypical scumballs or ordinary preps with an explosive violent side?
"insect under a telescope.": I think you mean "microscope".
Hope this helps.
S. M. Saves
19S. M. SavesShort and simple. You could definitely turn this into a longer story if you wanted. There's a lot of potential.
You changed your verb tenses during Amanda's POV. She starts off by telling the reader what's going on in present tense then she switches to past tense at the line "They cackled at me and stared." Change the past to present.
Also: "Mike and his cahoot [are] surrounding me."
"He took out a few baseball bats.": Mike has the ability to make items materialize out of nowhere?
Since this is such a short piece there isn't much room for character descriptions but you can still do a little to describe Mike and his cahoot. What do these lowlifes look like? Are these your stereotypical scumballs or ordinary preps with an explosive violent side?
"insect under a telescope.": I think you mean "microscope".
Hope this helps.
S. M. Saves