for To Choose Your Best Friend12/13/2010 c1 Secret Santa
This was a very charming piece. The style and tone seemed to be perfect for the scene presented, and you were careful to mention little details that enhanced overall impression. The introduction and explanation of the dogs’ characters was well done and simple, and the dialogue seemed to capture the character’s personalities fairly well.
I did feel however, that this piece lacked impact as a short story. The conflict and its resolution did not satisfy me as a reader, and at the end I felt as if there was something lacking, like you had missed the entire point of the piece somehow. I suppose what I’m getting at was that this felt almost empty, plotwise. It was entertaining, but there was no real food for thought.
I did like it, though.
-EDITS-
“Ten puppies – six [boys], four [girls],”
- The use of boy/girl carries human connotations with it. It would be better to use ‘male’ and ‘female’ instead.
“[her] Dad had told her to be quiet”
- It wasn’t clear whose dad you were referencing here, as there were two female characters discussed in the same sentence. Use a full name rather than a pronoun.
“got to her feet[,] and waddled over”
- No comma needed
This was a very charming piece. The style and tone seemed to be perfect for the scene presented, and you were careful to mention little details that enhanced overall impression. The introduction and explanation of the dogs’ characters was well done and simple, and the dialogue seemed to capture the character’s personalities fairly well.
I did feel however, that this piece lacked impact as a short story. The conflict and its resolution did not satisfy me as a reader, and at the end I felt as if there was something lacking, like you had missed the entire point of the piece somehow. I suppose what I’m getting at was that this felt almost empty, plotwise. It was entertaining, but there was no real food for thought.
I did like it, though.
-EDITS-
“Ten puppies – six [boys], four [girls],”
- The use of boy/girl carries human connotations with it. It would be better to use ‘male’ and ‘female’ instead.
“[her] Dad had told her to be quiet”
- It wasn’t clear whose dad you were referencing here, as there were two female characters discussed in the same sentence. Use a full name rather than a pronoun.
“got to her feet[,] and waddled over”
- No comma needed
11/28/2010 c1 
6InkyPink
SO CUTE! After reading this, I want a puppy more than ever.
The Dad is so stupid though, seriously, what a way to bring up a kid! Basically, "yes, suck up to her and don't correct her because she's rich and posh"...really! I was glad to see Becky has the brains to resent this - "Having a big house, a bigger garden, and a posh voice didn't mean you could call people what you liked, did it?" - if only briefly.
Judith is seriously horrible, nice characterisation there. A good and fairly realistic description of some of the really overly-zealous Christians out there...
6InkyPinkSO CUTE! After reading this, I want a puppy more than ever.
The Dad is so stupid though, seriously, what a way to bring up a kid! Basically, "yes, suck up to her and don't correct her because she's rich and posh"...really! I was glad to see Becky has the brains to resent this - "Having a big house, a bigger garden, and a posh voice didn't mean you could call people what you liked, did it?" - if only briefly.
Judith is seriously horrible, nice characterisation there. A good and fairly realistic description of some of the really overly-zealous Christians out there...
9/20/2010 c1 39Dahlia Wolffe
Hey again! :D
I like the way the story starts with dialogue, rather than description. To be fair, I couldn't help feeling like i was getting an in and out image of the scene, but as it is a short, it makes sense. I also like how in a short frame of time we get a good feel of the characters, implied by their gestures and the dialogue. I also thought it was cute that she saw fit to name and get a feel for the pups before she chose hers. Overall u presented a cute and concise short that was very well written and felt neither too long nor too short. another like from me. :)
From WRR
39Dahlia WolffeHey again! :D
I like the way the story starts with dialogue, rather than description. To be fair, I couldn't help feeling like i was getting an in and out image of the scene, but as it is a short, it makes sense. I also like how in a short frame of time we get a good feel of the characters, implied by their gestures and the dialogue. I also thought it was cute that she saw fit to name and get a feel for the pups before she chose hers. Overall u presented a cute and concise short that was very well written and felt neither too long nor too short. another like from me. :)
From WRR
8/26/2010 c1 4lookingwest
However, she did make a mistake with the last one.
-Style Edit: "She did, however, make a mistake..."
Her dad, however seemed unfazed, and just grinned back.
-Style Edit: Her dad, however, seemed unfazed, and just grinned.
Alright, so again, besides the two optional style edits, I didn't find anything out of place or wrong with this. I quite enjoy just sitting down and reading your works, they're very good for that, and they're easy to read and follow. I liked again, the simplicity of the situation. You've got a great knack for that when it comes to situation concerning contests or prompts that need to be in a short story. I'm always so terrible, I over-complicate, I think, and can never find just one simplistic setting situation, like the idea of just going to pick out a puppy, and how crucial it could become. I like how you crafted everything here. You really made it seem like such an important decision, haha. Which, I suppose it very well is, seeing as if you pick the wrong one you're stuck with it for life! Definitely puts me in the mood to like Albi today though, haha-who by the way, practically read this whole thing because I'm propped up on the couch and he's sitting on my chest just staring at the screen :/
Anyway. Again, amazing dialogue work. I was a bit confused about who Judith was at first, but then I figure-she must be a friend of Becky's dad, and she's the one giving the puppies away. At first I thought Judith was Becky's dad's girlfriend, haha. But besides that, I figured it out soon enough, and I thought the little throwbacks to "She doesn't know her Hitchcock or Bible" were fun, seems like something I'd hear said too. The situation was very realistic. I kept wondering if Judith was a dog breeder or if these dogs were just born and she's simply trying to give them away. I figured if she was a breeder she would have done temperament testing, and all that sort of thing.
I'm not sure if I can sit here and gather completely that the choosing of the puppies had to do with any parallel great life choice, but I feel that this was more just for the sake of the scene, and getting it out there. I wonder what the prompt was! I kept half expecting a demon to show up somewhere too, XD, so this bit of realism is interesting to read compared to latest works, I think. You've definitley got an ear for working good conversation too, especially with pacing, etc, this didn't feel rushed in the least, and that was refreshing.
4lookingwestHowever, she did make a mistake with the last one.
-Style Edit: "She did, however, make a mistake..."
Her dad, however seemed unfazed, and just grinned back.
-Style Edit: Her dad, however, seemed unfazed, and just grinned.
Alright, so again, besides the two optional style edits, I didn't find anything out of place or wrong with this. I quite enjoy just sitting down and reading your works, they're very good for that, and they're easy to read and follow. I liked again, the simplicity of the situation. You've got a great knack for that when it comes to situation concerning contests or prompts that need to be in a short story. I'm always so terrible, I over-complicate, I think, and can never find just one simplistic setting situation, like the idea of just going to pick out a puppy, and how crucial it could become. I like how you crafted everything here. You really made it seem like such an important decision, haha. Which, I suppose it very well is, seeing as if you pick the wrong one you're stuck with it for life! Definitely puts me in the mood to like Albi today though, haha-who by the way, practically read this whole thing because I'm propped up on the couch and he's sitting on my chest just staring at the screen :/
Anyway. Again, amazing dialogue work. I was a bit confused about who Judith was at first, but then I figure-she must be a friend of Becky's dad, and she's the one giving the puppies away. At first I thought Judith was Becky's dad's girlfriend, haha. But besides that, I figured it out soon enough, and I thought the little throwbacks to "She doesn't know her Hitchcock or Bible" were fun, seems like something I'd hear said too. The situation was very realistic. I kept wondering if Judith was a dog breeder or if these dogs were just born and she's simply trying to give them away. I figured if she was a breeder she would have done temperament testing, and all that sort of thing.
I'm not sure if I can sit here and gather completely that the choosing of the puppies had to do with any parallel great life choice, but I feel that this was more just for the sake of the scene, and getting it out there. I wonder what the prompt was! I kept half expecting a demon to show up somewhere too, XD, so this bit of realism is interesting to read compared to latest works, I think. You've definitley got an ear for working good conversation too, especially with pacing, etc, this didn't feel rushed in the least, and that was refreshing.
8/21/2010 c1 30sophiesix
I like how you convey the fathers and judith's characters characters through the eyes of the child, that was really nice. the pups were great how they all had different personaliites, and ilike her choice! A gentle, enjoyable piece, with most of the dramatic tension i thought between judith and the father, which would've been good to be devlopped a little more? i've been watching too much true blood maybe... ;) a nice piece!
30sophiesixI like how you convey the fathers and judith's characters characters through the eyes of the child, that was really nice. the pups were great how they all had different personaliites, and ilike her choice! A gentle, enjoyable piece, with most of the dramatic tension i thought between judith and the father, which would've been good to be devlopped a little more? i've been watching too much true blood maybe... ;) a nice piece!
8/11/2010 c1 1xenolith
Heya! Payback via WRR :)
The second sentence seemed too long to me, and my suggestion would be to cut 'gazing' and put 'frowning' in there isntead, then that doesn't clutter up the last half of the line.
'Ten puppies – six boys, four girls, all black, and all dappled with obscure little tufts and trimmings of white and grey' - ooh, I liked this, especially 'dappled' and 'tufts', good word choices!
'"Are you still having trouble deciding, Rebecca?" Judith said' - shouldn't this be 'asked'?
Haha, Judith is cool. I like straight-forward people like that. I was smiling all throughout this, what a devious ploy, using puppies! How can you not like a story about puppies! I love puppies! *ahem* Anyway... I thought this was a cute little read, and I liked the little actions of the pups as Becky picks them up at the end. So adorable!
1xenolithHeya! Payback via WRR :)
The second sentence seemed too long to me, and my suggestion would be to cut 'gazing' and put 'frowning' in there isntead, then that doesn't clutter up the last half of the line.
'Ten puppies – six boys, four girls, all black, and all dappled with obscure little tufts and trimmings of white and grey' - ooh, I liked this, especially 'dappled' and 'tufts', good word choices!
'"Are you still having trouble deciding, Rebecca?" Judith said' - shouldn't this be 'asked'?
Haha, Judith is cool. I like straight-forward people like that. I was smiling all throughout this, what a devious ploy, using puppies! How can you not like a story about puppies! I love puppies! *ahem* Anyway... I thought this was a cute little read, and I liked the little actions of the pups as Becky picks them up at the end. So adorable!