
2/17/2011 c24
3AJS
Ah, your writing has changed so much since the beginning! Although this is still about a musician, it has a very different tone. It's a lot less punkish and a lot more sweet. I don't imagine his music to be rock at all even though I'm sure it sort of is. But the sweet sort of rock.
Tyson & Lily are really cute. :) Honestly though the second half of this story just flew by in comparison to the first half. Not that I didn't enjoy the first half thoroughly, and I definitely understand the need to have developed their relationship, but I think it could have been paced slightly more naturally. It also was weird because it was like I had completely forgotten that Lily had that problem about February after she went to college. Suddenly it seemed like her only problem was that she couldn't be with Tyson. I also kind of though that Philla's niceness was a bit unnatural. She was totally hanging off of Tyson, despite the fact that she "knew the moment Tyson saw Lily" that she stood no chance. Everything she did after that then was just to be a bitch.
I also think Tyson should have apologized more, or they should have talked about it, I don't know. I would expect that Lily would be really hurt that Tyson didn't even want to be seen with her and yet she didn't request much of an explanation to get back together either. The very first day and he was already rejecting showing their relationship to everyone else. It was like he didn't even consider it. I suppose I'm still a bit pissed about that.
But yeah overall they're very cute. Definitely still have a ton of things to work out, honestly they're not much different than they were when they parted at the end of the summer, just that their opinions on how they'll handle the future is different. Maybe that's another thing I felt was missing. Usually a separation would make them grow and make their relationship stronger, add something to their relationship to build it, but I guess in here it didn't really seem that way. It was just a separation.
I really like the friends that Lily made in college though. That was heartwarming. Actually this whole story was pretty sweet and heartwarming. I don't know if you've heard of Sam Tsui but he's a youtube singer and his song "Don't Want An Ending" really reminds me of your story. I think it has the same kind of summery sweetness.
Anyway cute story. You've definitely grown in your writing, and I'd love to read more.
- Alyssa

Ah, your writing has changed so much since the beginning! Although this is still about a musician, it has a very different tone. It's a lot less punkish and a lot more sweet. I don't imagine his music to be rock at all even though I'm sure it sort of is. But the sweet sort of rock.
Tyson & Lily are really cute. :) Honestly though the second half of this story just flew by in comparison to the first half. Not that I didn't enjoy the first half thoroughly, and I definitely understand the need to have developed their relationship, but I think it could have been paced slightly more naturally. It also was weird because it was like I had completely forgotten that Lily had that problem about February after she went to college. Suddenly it seemed like her only problem was that she couldn't be with Tyson. I also kind of though that Philla's niceness was a bit unnatural. She was totally hanging off of Tyson, despite the fact that she "knew the moment Tyson saw Lily" that she stood no chance. Everything she did after that then was just to be a bitch.
I also think Tyson should have apologized more, or they should have talked about it, I don't know. I would expect that Lily would be really hurt that Tyson didn't even want to be seen with her and yet she didn't request much of an explanation to get back together either. The very first day and he was already rejecting showing their relationship to everyone else. It was like he didn't even consider it. I suppose I'm still a bit pissed about that.
But yeah overall they're very cute. Definitely still have a ton of things to work out, honestly they're not much different than they were when they parted at the end of the summer, just that their opinions on how they'll handle the future is different. Maybe that's another thing I felt was missing. Usually a separation would make them grow and make their relationship stronger, add something to their relationship to build it, but I guess in here it didn't really seem that way. It was just a separation.
I really like the friends that Lily made in college though. That was heartwarming. Actually this whole story was pretty sweet and heartwarming. I don't know if you've heard of Sam Tsui but he's a youtube singer and his song "Don't Want An Ending" really reminds me of your story. I think it has the same kind of summery sweetness.
Anyway cute story. You've definitely grown in your writing, and I'd love to read more.
- Alyssa
2/11/2011 c21
96Silly Little Storywriter
After reading the story again, I think Lily and Tyson had every right to be angry at Pilla. Maybe she was just being dense, but she wasn't particularly feeling to the fact that Lily was there. It certainly didn't seem like she backed off.
But then, Pilla isn't really the sort of person I'd want to be friends with.
Just my thoughts,
Brenna

After reading the story again, I think Lily and Tyson had every right to be angry at Pilla. Maybe she was just being dense, but she wasn't particularly feeling to the fact that Lily was there. It certainly didn't seem like she backed off.
But then, Pilla isn't really the sort of person I'd want to be friends with.
Just my thoughts,
Brenna
2/7/2011 c8 nessime
I love this story - the characters are interesting and I like the development of the story line. But I was a bit disappointed in the explanation of Lily's trauma. Yes, she could be traumatized by that event but it seems unlikely that she and her parents would be mistrustful of individual people and private places. Especially her mother seems too scared about Tyson, who is no longer anonymous. It would've made more sense for her trauma to be related to a private place and for the crime not to be about robbing, but about someone wanting to hurt her (even if they didn't succeed). Anyway, I'm not an expert about trauma at all, but I thought I'd give you my reaction just in case it helps. Otherwise I really like the story so far! Thanks for writing :)
I love this story - the characters are interesting and I like the development of the story line. But I was a bit disappointed in the explanation of Lily's trauma. Yes, she could be traumatized by that event but it seems unlikely that she and her parents would be mistrustful of individual people and private places. Especially her mother seems too scared about Tyson, who is no longer anonymous. It would've made more sense for her trauma to be related to a private place and for the crime not to be about robbing, but about someone wanting to hurt her (even if they didn't succeed). Anyway, I'm not an expert about trauma at all, but I thought I'd give you my reaction just in case it helps. Otherwise I really like the story so far! Thanks for writing :)