for The Heart of the North7/31/2014 c13 lasco chick
Pls update. Its been 3yrs. U just started now. It's an epic story in d making
Pls update. Its been 3yrs. U just started now. It's an epic story in d making
12/14/2012 c13 
1Staempel
This was a very sweet and well-written story. I keep my fingers crossed that you have more to this.
1StaempelThis was a very sweet and well-written story. I keep my fingers crossed that you have more to this.
11/1/2011 c13 patty
you have a really interesting story here, really wanna know how it will develope but you havnt updated in aaaaagggggeeessss. Are you not going to finish this story? if you are pleeassse update soon i cant wait for the next chapter :)
you have a really interesting story here, really wanna know how it will develope but you havnt updated in aaaaagggggeeessss. Are you not going to finish this story? if you are pleeassse update soon i cant wait for the next chapter :)
8/24/2011 c3 2frr
I'm pasting sentences that seem a bit off to me.
chap 1 & 2
It was a lovely thing, made of all number of summer blossoms great and small
This meant that her would be leaving Breaghmuir permanently for Ríhalla.
Graeson was all of thirteen, and Kyram was man just shy of his twenty-first birthday.
If nothing else, she was courageous fighter and did not deserve to be snared like an animal.
It only seemed to right to come with a sword,
The air was outside cool;
2frrI'm pasting sentences that seem a bit off to me.
chap 1 & 2
It was a lovely thing, made of all number of summer blossoms great and small
This meant that her would be leaving Breaghmuir permanently for Ríhalla.
Graeson was all of thirteen, and Kyram was man just shy of his twenty-first birthday.
If nothing else, she was courageous fighter and did not deserve to be snared like an animal.
It only seemed to right to come with a sword,
The air was outside cool;
8/22/2011 c13 frr
OMG! This story is soooo good! Hope you have fun on your vacation. I'm selfishly hoping you'd somehow hate Hawaii and write more of this story. But who am I kidding? Hawaii's paradise!
Maybe I'll read your recomended story in the mean time. But plllllease come back! You're story is so original and I need to know what happens...I'm so in love with this story =)
OMG! This story is soooo good! Hope you have fun on your vacation. I'm selfishly hoping you'd somehow hate Hawaii and write more of this story. But who am I kidding? Hawaii's paradise!
Maybe I'll read your recomended story in the mean time. But plllllease come back! You're story is so original and I need to know what happens...I'm so in love with this story =)
7/22/2011 c13 Ellis
Another great chapter though I was really dissapointed that it was short :( oh well hopefully your next chapter will be longer :D Anyway I really enjoyed the little peak we got of the relationship between Kyram and his father, also im wondering how long is Sahva's family going to stay at the castle? Because I really want to see how Sahva acts once she is all alone. I just looked up A dance with Dragons and after reading a bit about the plot I really dont see the connection between this story and ADWD aside from a couple of things. Can someone explain it to me? I hope you update soon :)
Another great chapter though I was really dissapointed that it was short :( oh well hopefully your next chapter will be longer :D Anyway I really enjoyed the little peak we got of the relationship between Kyram and his father, also im wondering how long is Sahva's family going to stay at the castle? Because I really want to see how Sahva acts once she is all alone. I just looked up A dance with Dragons and after reading a bit about the plot I really dont see the connection between this story and ADWD aside from a couple of things. Can someone explain it to me? I hope you update soon :)
7/21/2011 c13 Daranak
Hi there! Sorry I didn't review more quickly, but there was that tiny widdle novel called A Dance with Dragons that I just *had* to read. I hope you found it enjoyable; for me, it… didn't live up to expectations.
Aaah, poor Sahva. I hope her situation, and her feelings toward her husband, will start improving soon.
Kyric really is a cold-hearted bastard. But I was happy that Kyram showed some defiance toward Kyric, even if it didn't last long. I think that was the first sign of rebellion that I've seen him show toward his father. Here's hoping it will develop into more of it.
Sorry if this review seems short; it's really hot where I am, and I think the heat is frying my wits.
Hi there! Sorry I didn't review more quickly, but there was that tiny widdle novel called A Dance with Dragons that I just *had* to read. I hope you found it enjoyable; for me, it… didn't live up to expectations.
Aaah, poor Sahva. I hope her situation, and her feelings toward her husband, will start improving soon.
Kyric really is a cold-hearted bastard. But I was happy that Kyram showed some defiance toward Kyric, even if it didn't last long. I think that was the first sign of rebellion that I've seen him show toward his father. Here's hoping it will develop into more of it.
Sorry if this review seems short; it's really hot where I am, and I think the heat is frying my wits.
7/3/2011 c13 jade
Your writing is absolutely superb! Best read I've read in a long time. I love the different view points expressed by the characters. If not for Prince Kyram's view point, I would think hime to be a hearless arse. I wonder how Sahva's going to warm up to him. Near death incidents seem to solve everything =). Can't wait to see them interact more. They make such a cute pair thus far. You are a briliant writer.
Hope you have a great vacation. I'm looking forward to the chapters to come!
Your writing is absolutely superb! Best read I've read in a long time. I love the different view points expressed by the characters. If not for Prince Kyram's view point, I would think hime to be a hearless arse. I wonder how Sahva's going to warm up to him. Near death incidents seem to solve everything =). Can't wait to see them interact more. They make such a cute pair thus far. You are a briliant writer.
Hope you have a great vacation. I'm looking forward to the chapters to come!
6/12/2011 c12 Annalisa89
I've read this story today! I rellay like it! I hope you will find time to write and post soon! kiss
I've read this story today! I rellay like it! I hope you will find time to write and post soon! kiss
6/1/2011 c12 Ellis
Great story, its so hard to find one like this on fictionpress. its a shame you dont have many reviews but them again most people don't come on here for quality stories. anyway i hope we get to see more of of Kyrems character and his interactions with Sahva. I wonder how kyric will treat his daughter in law will he take his resentment for the mother out on her? Breya, Amar and Brita will hopefully add more to the story. i realise this may not have helped you because in Im not that good at giving constructive criticism but i thougt a review was better than no review because it might encourage you. im rambling but great story hope you update soon :)
Great story, its so hard to find one like this on fictionpress. its a shame you dont have many reviews but them again most people don't come on here for quality stories. anyway i hope we get to see more of of Kyrems character and his interactions with Sahva. I wonder how kyric will treat his daughter in law will he take his resentment for the mother out on her? Breya, Amar and Brita will hopefully add more to the story. i realise this may not have helped you because in Im not that good at giving constructive criticism but i thougt a review was better than no review because it might encourage you. im rambling but great story hope you update soon :)
5/29/2011 c12 Daranak
Hello there! I'm very glad to see that you've returned to writing this excellent story, and I hope you'll be able to post other new chapters soon.
As for this chapter, it was an appropriately painful read (by which I mean that it evoked painful emotions, not that it was a pain in the a** to read). We can see from start to finish that Sahva doesn't want to be wed and takes no joy from it. I was as surprised as Sahva about the witnesses, though they do make sense in a feudal society where noble marriages are taken very seriously. Here's hoping for Sahva's sake that this is the lowest point for her, and that she'll start adapting to her new circumstances soon. And that she won't hate Kyram for what he had to do.
Now, as to some specific points:
"Her mother, appearing silently as a cat on the hunt, moved up behind Sahva and laid a hand on her back."
Doesn't "appearing silently" imply that Fionne wasn't at Sahva's side to begin with, as she was? I'd think I'd change "appearing" to "moving" (and "moved up" to "came up" so as to avoid repetition).
How well lit is the bedroom where Kyram waits for Sahva? If it is relatively dark, or has pools of dark shadows, Kyram could reflect on how it matches his mood, or how all the light and singing and dancing cannot chase away the dark pall hanging over a wedding that has only come about because one nation has forcibly subjugated another, or some other sad/depressive thought.
"On the wall opposite to where the witnesses sat was a large bed, clad in soft furs and, thankfully, good Nevahri linen salvaged from before the war."
Can a bed be said to be clad in something? I've never seen "clad" used in this context before. Maybe you could change it to "covered" instead.
"Finally, he held out a hand to her, and after a moment's hesitation she came forward and took it, all without ever lifting her gaze from the floor."
If Sahva is looking straight down at the floor all along, how can she see Kyram's extended hand?
It might be almost cruel, but I think I'd put in a mention of Sahva remaining dry down there while Kyram has sex her and of Kyram noticing that, so as to further emphasize that she's not deriving any pleasure or enjoyment from the whole thing.
Hello there! I'm very glad to see that you've returned to writing this excellent story, and I hope you'll be able to post other new chapters soon.
As for this chapter, it was an appropriately painful read (by which I mean that it evoked painful emotions, not that it was a pain in the a** to read). We can see from start to finish that Sahva doesn't want to be wed and takes no joy from it. I was as surprised as Sahva about the witnesses, though they do make sense in a feudal society where noble marriages are taken very seriously. Here's hoping for Sahva's sake that this is the lowest point for her, and that she'll start adapting to her new circumstances soon. And that she won't hate Kyram for what he had to do.
Now, as to some specific points:
"Her mother, appearing silently as a cat on the hunt, moved up behind Sahva and laid a hand on her back."
Doesn't "appearing silently" imply that Fionne wasn't at Sahva's side to begin with, as she was? I'd think I'd change "appearing" to "moving" (and "moved up" to "came up" so as to avoid repetition).
How well lit is the bedroom where Kyram waits for Sahva? If it is relatively dark, or has pools of dark shadows, Kyram could reflect on how it matches his mood, or how all the light and singing and dancing cannot chase away the dark pall hanging over a wedding that has only come about because one nation has forcibly subjugated another, or some other sad/depressive thought.
"On the wall opposite to where the witnesses sat was a large bed, clad in soft furs and, thankfully, good Nevahri linen salvaged from before the war."
Can a bed be said to be clad in something? I've never seen "clad" used in this context before. Maybe you could change it to "covered" instead.
"Finally, he held out a hand to her, and after a moment's hesitation she came forward and took it, all without ever lifting her gaze from the floor."
If Sahva is looking straight down at the floor all along, how can she see Kyram's extended hand?
It might be almost cruel, but I think I'd put in a mention of Sahva remaining dry down there while Kyram has sex her and of Kyram noticing that, so as to further emphasize that she's not deriving any pleasure or enjoyment from the whole thing.
5/25/2011 c1 4CEE2027
Finding a gem in the rough is a task. This is one of those gems. I don't have much to offer except to commend your writing. The lack of excessive adverbs is pleasing as well!
A sidenote: if there were supposed to be in-chapter dividers for Chapter 1, they aren't there. The scenes shift rather abruptly.
4CEE2027Finding a gem in the rough is a task. This is one of those gems. I don't have much to offer except to commend your writing. The lack of excessive adverbs is pleasing as well!
A sidenote: if there were supposed to be in-chapter dividers for Chapter 1, they aren't there. The scenes shift rather abruptly.
1/25/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
Oh god I'm so ashamed I had totally forgotten that you had given me a review and that I hadn't returned the kindness. And it's been so long too! I'm grovelling.
I'm not fond of your use of italics for the ranks/titles. It's obvious what they stand for without that. (Well, I'm not fond of any use of italics in general, anyway, so you might want to ignore that)
You seem to have drawn inspiration from Gaelic tradition, if the names you use are any indicator. I don't know enough about this to be able to say whether you actually set it in our world or created another, or whether you're using Irish or Scottish settings. I shall wait and see :p (but I love the sounds of gaelic languages)
I liked how you showed the different settings through Fionne's thoughts, like when you show that fifty's considered old in her time. It was cleverly done (though through the use of italics... Pet peeve of mine, bis repetita)
You tend to use adverbs when there's no need too:
["No violence?" echoed Fionne incredulously.]
'Incredously' is unneeded. It's shown through her repeating the words that she's incredulous.
[He looks old, Fionne realized suddenly.]
'Suddenly' is repetitive. Realizing something is always sudden.
["Yes," said Fionne hotly]
You wouldn't need 'hotly' if you used an exclamation mark.
["If it is battle you desire, then show your tokens and be counted," he said formally.]
'formally' is unneeded, it's shown through his manner of speaking.
I'll stop here but you get my point.
I really really really liked the fact that Fionne is heavily wounded in the very first chapter (and here I go contradicting myself about use of adverbs and all that). It counterbalances the fact that she's elected queen and it shows that no, she's not a Mary-Sue that can fight very well and always escape unscathed from battles.
One remark: in a time when 50 would be considered old (as in really old), sixteen is not boyhood anymore. Being considered a man would probably happen somewhere around 13-14 (like in Martin's SoI&F with Robb).
I also liked the way you described Fionne's waking up. No miraculous healing, yeah! (believe me, it's so rare in fantasy fictions that it might be considered an extinct species). And she will have an ugly scar!
(actually there's a lot of things I love about that character: she's a mother, she's middle-aged, she's married, she's getting a scar on the first chapter, she's nothing like most heroines in fantasy fictions. I dig her!)
There is one problem with this chapter, though: it's too long for a prologue. In fact, it's almost too long for a FP chapter (which should be around 3K IMO, for easier reading). And after taking a look at the next chapter, I realized that Fionne wasn't even one of your two main characters after and, even though I think it's a very interesting, I just don't get why it's necessary to relate from Fionne's POV what we might learn from others' after... But I'll keep my judgement until I've read more.
Anyway, very good job, I like how you write.
8AdrenalinOh god I'm so ashamed I had totally forgotten that you had given me a review and that I hadn't returned the kindness. And it's been so long too! I'm grovelling.
I'm not fond of your use of italics for the ranks/titles. It's obvious what they stand for without that. (Well, I'm not fond of any use of italics in general, anyway, so you might want to ignore that)
You seem to have drawn inspiration from Gaelic tradition, if the names you use are any indicator. I don't know enough about this to be able to say whether you actually set it in our world or created another, or whether you're using Irish or Scottish settings. I shall wait and see :p (but I love the sounds of gaelic languages)
I liked how you showed the different settings through Fionne's thoughts, like when you show that fifty's considered old in her time. It was cleverly done (though through the use of italics... Pet peeve of mine, bis repetita)
You tend to use adverbs when there's no need too:
["No violence?" echoed Fionne incredulously.]
'Incredously' is unneeded. It's shown through her repeating the words that she's incredulous.
[He looks old, Fionne realized suddenly.]
'Suddenly' is repetitive. Realizing something is always sudden.
["Yes," said Fionne hotly]
You wouldn't need 'hotly' if you used an exclamation mark.
["If it is battle you desire, then show your tokens and be counted," he said formally.]
'formally' is unneeded, it's shown through his manner of speaking.
I'll stop here but you get my point.
I really really really liked the fact that Fionne is heavily wounded in the very first chapter (and here I go contradicting myself about use of adverbs and all that). It counterbalances the fact that she's elected queen and it shows that no, she's not a Mary-Sue that can fight very well and always escape unscathed from battles.
One remark: in a time when 50 would be considered old (as in really old), sixteen is not boyhood anymore. Being considered a man would probably happen somewhere around 13-14 (like in Martin's SoI&F with Robb).
I also liked the way you described Fionne's waking up. No miraculous healing, yeah! (believe me, it's so rare in fantasy fictions that it might be considered an extinct species). And she will have an ugly scar!
(actually there's a lot of things I love about that character: she's a mother, she's middle-aged, she's married, she's getting a scar on the first chapter, she's nothing like most heroines in fantasy fictions. I dig her!)
There is one problem with this chapter, though: it's too long for a prologue. In fact, it's almost too long for a FP chapter (which should be around 3K IMO, for easier reading). And after taking a look at the next chapter, I realized that Fionne wasn't even one of your two main characters after and, even though I think it's a very interesting, I just don't get why it's necessary to relate from Fionne's POV what we might learn from others' after... But I'll keep my judgement until I've read more.
Anyway, very good job, I like how you write.