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for Untitled Great Lakes?

8/17/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
I liked the way you started off with the description of the lake. Judging from the temporary title of the story and the fascination of the protagonist about it, the lake plays a major passive part in the story.

I found the plot interesting and coupled with the subtlety of the hints, I am definitely looking forward to more of this.

via the roadhouse
8/17/2010 c1 10Katerzzz
Hello there,

Interesting start, really very good description and unlike many prologues, it's a nice meaty opening chapter, too many opening chapters leave the reader wondering "WTF?" but this one didn't so that was nice :) Interesting character in Jocelyn, I want to see what you have in store for her, but all in all, a nice start. I definitley think you should continue, and depending on the plot of your story, which I obviously don't know, Great Lakes could be a contending title, it's ultimatley your choice :)


P.S: Could you payback by reviewing either Jack's London, or the Angel Waiting At Hell's Gate. Thanks :)
8/16/2010 c1 19Mandyla
The opening description of the lake really made me feel like I was there on the pier with Jocelyn waiting for the ferry.

Overall, it was very intriguing, but this concept of a "new family" confuses me a little bit along with the last paragraph. Why is she surprised? Is the mother she's calling her real mother or part of the "new family"? I assume in the next chapters you'll explain it, but adding a little extra information to help the reader understand at least a little better couldn't hurt.
8/16/2010 c1 3Britwitch
Intriguing start, nice description of the Lake, very peaceful and calm - I liked the little bit with the ducks also, very realistic and stopped the sequence from being too 'dream-like'.

I like that you've not told us very much about your female lead but enough to tempt us to read on, I know I'm curious what she's been lying about for the last two years!

I did get a little confused towards the end about just who has travelled with Tawny and Jocelyn, and this idea of 'new family' (this might just be me of course!) but I think with either a longer section of dialogue here between Tawny and their fellow travellers or at the start of a second chapter this could be easily cleared up :o)

Great beginning!

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