2/2/2011 c3 3xoxlizzie
Wow, the smutt scene was intense :p I loved it! The chapter was fantastic. Just give us a bit more detail on what's going on, if you can. Like, why did Kain chose him to be his mate? Give us more detail on how Brie and Kain know each other. Things like that. Great job so far though :)

12/29/2010 c1 xoxlizzie
Okay...Brie seems really creepy, lol. I wonder what she is going to do with Keith? Great story, keep up with good work :)

9/15/2010 c2 10Sae Ayameko
Hm, this was getting interesting. The cliff hanger is what got to me. Yeah I want to know what happens. ._.

But first some polite advice from a fellow Author! :3

What makes a story is the rambling about every little detail. This can be even harder if the story's written in first person view. The smallest detail add interest to the story not just what the character is doing.

From example:

Regular action: I picked up the cup of tea that was on the table, taking a sip. The tea felt wonderful going down my parched throat. I wonder what kind it is?

With detail: I picked up the cup that sat in front of me which was filled with a golden colored tea. The warm steam coming off it teased at my pale lips as I tilted the sweet liquid into my parched mouth. The sensation of heat warmth my body, it tasted like mint but was sweet like honey. I wonder what kind it is? Jasmin perhaps?

You see the difference? Now which one sounds more interesting to read? I know it might seem useless and just a waste of time to add such detail over a small thing but stuff like this really impacts a story and makes a reader sit at the edge of their seats in anticipation. That's way better then getting straight to the point.

Take for example a piece from my story Loving A Lai:

I tried to keep a calm face and not make it seem as though I was rushing Lai but inwardly as the guard was getting closer I was panicking and then things got worse when I seen hand prints in the dirt; Lai had fallen over.

There was no time for Lai to stop. He had to get up but by how the dirt was just swirling and contorting in place I knew then Lai wasn’t going to be able to get up and walk over. Out of instinct I reached for the first thing I could, it felt warm and soft but I didn’t care I just threw it through the air, into the distance of the forest but I looked as it went flying and noticed it was a pure white snowshoe hare with only a small round patch of black near it’s rear.

(Oh…I’m going to hell I just know it…) Despite my small guilt trip the hare somehow survived and it’s hopping in the bushes caught the Autero man’s attention. He was only 2 feet away from Lai when he made a complete U-Turn and went straight to where the hare was.

It's not the best but it gives a reader what he/she wants. The simple sentences are okay but honestly, and I put this nicely, it doesn't make a story.

I assure you, with a little practice you'll get a hang of things. You understand to stay on plot and in character, keep the theme simple, and not to add too much drama and action in every chapter. You already got that down so you're a step ahead.

Work a little on your writing skill but don't worry I, and I'm sure others as well still love your story. I want another chapter so don't keep me waiting! And sorry for the long annoying review. x3

While the guy was distracted I sprinted from my spot behind a tree to Lai. By how the dirt was I knew exactly where Lai was. I wasted no time in picking him up and dashing back into the forest before anyone saw us.