for Forbidden Love11/27/2011 c2 
6Devil's Playground
Again, I like that you start off with an action sequence. It keeps the story fast-paced and exciting. I had a better sense of the setting here, and I definitely think you should include that sort of information in the first chapter rather than waiting until now.
Oh wow, she goes to save her Queen rather than trying to help her little brother - that says a lot about her dedication. It also strengthens my opinion that such a practical person wouldn't completely lose sight of her target against a prince like she did in the first chapter. No matter how handsome he was, I don't find that sort of reaction realistic!
Hmm, again, I feel like you could draw out these sort of battle scenes more. The narrator repeatedly finds an opponent, barely struggles, stabs him/her through the heart, and repeats. You could make things a lot more tense and exciting with some more details.
Intriguing ending. And she seems to be able to use magic, very interesting... I can't help but wonder, however, why they would put a prisoner, unbound, in a room where she could have access to weapons (and possibly an escape) with a flick of a switch. Hmmm... and I wonder what the prince wants with her!
Very interesting so far.
Edits:
I rushed into battle bringing my sword up to block that of one of my lieutenant's death blow. - Confusing wording here, I would rephrase.
I had just ended that of another's life when I heard my name. - I would delete "that of" to tighten up the sentence
"The Queens guards are taking her to the safe place…" - should be Queen's
When I finally arrived at myQueensside - formatting seems to have gone a bit wonky there, haha
I felt as if I was between words - do you mean worlds?
he keeps talking to fill the silence - tense change
me feet where bare. - my feet were bare?
he door slowly opens, surprisingly without noise. I step out into nothingness. - tense change
6Devil's PlaygroundAgain, I like that you start off with an action sequence. It keeps the story fast-paced and exciting. I had a better sense of the setting here, and I definitely think you should include that sort of information in the first chapter rather than waiting until now.
Oh wow, she goes to save her Queen rather than trying to help her little brother - that says a lot about her dedication. It also strengthens my opinion that such a practical person wouldn't completely lose sight of her target against a prince like she did in the first chapter. No matter how handsome he was, I don't find that sort of reaction realistic!
Hmm, again, I feel like you could draw out these sort of battle scenes more. The narrator repeatedly finds an opponent, barely struggles, stabs him/her through the heart, and repeats. You could make things a lot more tense and exciting with some more details.
Intriguing ending. And she seems to be able to use magic, very interesting... I can't help but wonder, however, why they would put a prisoner, unbound, in a room where she could have access to weapons (and possibly an escape) with a flick of a switch. Hmmm... and I wonder what the prince wants with her!
Very interesting so far.
Edits:
I rushed into battle bringing my sword up to block that of one of my lieutenant's death blow. - Confusing wording here, I would rephrase.
I had just ended that of another's life when I heard my name. - I would delete "that of" to tighten up the sentence
"The Queens guards are taking her to the safe place…" - should be Queen's
When I finally arrived at myQueensside - formatting seems to have gone a bit wonky there, haha
I felt as if I was between words - do you mean worlds?
he keeps talking to fill the silence - tense change
me feet where bare. - my feet were bare?
he door slowly opens, surprisingly without noise. I step out into nothingness. - tense change
11/27/2011 c1 Devil's Playground
I like that you start off right in the middle of the action. The first sentence is a good hook, and it kept me interested all the way through with constant action. The pacing was well done and the fight scene was concise and clear.
This is a very short chapter, and I think you could flesh it out a lot more. There is no description of the setting where this is happening - wide open battlegrounds, a city one side is trying to take over, what? Are there other battles raging on around them? That sort of thing would really help make the scene more vivid. Lengthening that battle scene could also help build the tension - when reading this, it didn't feel suspenseful because I never had any doubt that the narrator would win the fight. She didn't even take a scratch from fighting them.
The description of when she locks eyes with him is good, but I can't help but find her reaction a little unbelievable. Personally I think that, even if she had no intention of attacking, a seasoned warrior would still assume an attack stance and be ready for anything when an enemy prince was approaching her.
You repeat the word "sword" a lot throughout this, I would try finding alternative ways to say it - you could use blade, weapon, etc. to help it sound a bit less repetitive.
Interesting first chapter, I look forward to learning more about the context of this battle and where it's going!
Edits:
I ducked and there swords met each others. - there should be their, and it should be "each other" or "each others'", depending on what you're going for.
while the others eyes went huge - should be "the other's"
I like that you start off right in the middle of the action. The first sentence is a good hook, and it kept me interested all the way through with constant action. The pacing was well done and the fight scene was concise and clear.
This is a very short chapter, and I think you could flesh it out a lot more. There is no description of the setting where this is happening - wide open battlegrounds, a city one side is trying to take over, what? Are there other battles raging on around them? That sort of thing would really help make the scene more vivid. Lengthening that battle scene could also help build the tension - when reading this, it didn't feel suspenseful because I never had any doubt that the narrator would win the fight. She didn't even take a scratch from fighting them.
The description of when she locks eyes with him is good, but I can't help but find her reaction a little unbelievable. Personally I think that, even if she had no intention of attacking, a seasoned warrior would still assume an attack stance and be ready for anything when an enemy prince was approaching her.
You repeat the word "sword" a lot throughout this, I would try finding alternative ways to say it - you could use blade, weapon, etc. to help it sound a bit less repetitive.
Interesting first chapter, I look forward to learning more about the context of this battle and where it's going!
Edits:
I ducked and there swords met each others. - there should be their, and it should be "each other" or "each others'", depending on what you're going for.
while the others eyes went huge - should be "the other's"
11/27/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Opening: I thought you had a good opening sentence, and I'm glad you had some action there right in the beginning (action always catches my attention), but I didn't get a hold on the entire situation nor the setting. I understand this woman is fighting two other women, but aside from their sword movements, I really don't know anything else. Are they wearing armor? I think you could play a lot with the scenery to describe their appearance without it being an info dump, like the sun or moonlight glinting off their armor/swords. Same with their surroundings. Maybe have her stumble over a rock so that we'll know they're in a wasteland-like place? Or you could have her sweep around behind a tree to aid in describing a forest scenery. Stuff like that. Maybe even have the narrator's hair falling in her face - that would give you a nice, quick excuse to better detail her appearance. Also, if this is a battle between two armies, I'm confused as to why the first man she kills is wearing 'thin clothes'. One would think they'd be wearing some type of armor if they're fighting with swords.
Writing: I noticed this chapter was mostly tell instead of show. I didn't get to develop much of a connection with the narrator, nor any of the other characters mentioned in the chapter, because of this. I think if you delved more into the celebration you mentioned at the end, maybe have someone accost her about her strange attitude that night, it would help develop your main character and this world itself a lot better. You always want to show as much as you can to the reader as opposed to tell - it gets them better involved in the story. Addressing the reader's five senses (sight, taste, touch, smell, sound) can be very effective at doing this as well.
I also saw a couple times that you used the words 'immediately' or 'quickly' during intense fighting scenes. I suggest dropping those since it drags the narration down and if something is happening 'quickly' it's best to just get to it as soon as possible.
Enjoyment: I did like that you started with a battle scene, but I thought there could have been a lot more attention put into this. Your first chapter needs to really 'wow' the reader and give them a reason to keep on going. Honestly, I find it unrealistic for her to stop in the middle of a bloody battle to stare at a handsome man - much less the enemy. I could see it being a lot more realistic if she had him down on the ground at sword point, about to kill him, then hesitating because of how stunning his eyes are, then maybe one of the prince's own men comes to his aid and saves his life. I think her hesitation could add a lot to her character - perhaps even give her something to brood or regret and gives her more a reason to wonder why this man affected her so profoundly with just his stare. Or the situation could be the other way around with the woman at sword-point and the prince standing over her.
Characters: I don't think you mentioned the narrator's name. It's difficult to connect with her when I don't know her name. The general voice of this came out somewhat flat as well - if you were to replace almost all the 'I's with 'she's, this would come out almost the same. The best thing about first person narration is getting the chance to really delve into a character's mind and tell it from their POV - adding some personal asides or inner monologue can help aid in the first-person narrative. However, I do think you have a great protagonist here; I always love seeing a strong female warrior lead. It'll be great to see her one-up the guys.
I hope you found this review helpful!
5Dr. Self DestructOpening: I thought you had a good opening sentence, and I'm glad you had some action there right in the beginning (action always catches my attention), but I didn't get a hold on the entire situation nor the setting. I understand this woman is fighting two other women, but aside from their sword movements, I really don't know anything else. Are they wearing armor? I think you could play a lot with the scenery to describe their appearance without it being an info dump, like the sun or moonlight glinting off their armor/swords. Same with their surroundings. Maybe have her stumble over a rock so that we'll know they're in a wasteland-like place? Or you could have her sweep around behind a tree to aid in describing a forest scenery. Stuff like that. Maybe even have the narrator's hair falling in her face - that would give you a nice, quick excuse to better detail her appearance. Also, if this is a battle between two armies, I'm confused as to why the first man she kills is wearing 'thin clothes'. One would think they'd be wearing some type of armor if they're fighting with swords.
Writing: I noticed this chapter was mostly tell instead of show. I didn't get to develop much of a connection with the narrator, nor any of the other characters mentioned in the chapter, because of this. I think if you delved more into the celebration you mentioned at the end, maybe have someone accost her about her strange attitude that night, it would help develop your main character and this world itself a lot better. You always want to show as much as you can to the reader as opposed to tell - it gets them better involved in the story. Addressing the reader's five senses (sight, taste, touch, smell, sound) can be very effective at doing this as well.
I also saw a couple times that you used the words 'immediately' or 'quickly' during intense fighting scenes. I suggest dropping those since it drags the narration down and if something is happening 'quickly' it's best to just get to it as soon as possible.
Enjoyment: I did like that you started with a battle scene, but I thought there could have been a lot more attention put into this. Your first chapter needs to really 'wow' the reader and give them a reason to keep on going. Honestly, I find it unrealistic for her to stop in the middle of a bloody battle to stare at a handsome man - much less the enemy. I could see it being a lot more realistic if she had him down on the ground at sword point, about to kill him, then hesitating because of how stunning his eyes are, then maybe one of the prince's own men comes to his aid and saves his life. I think her hesitation could add a lot to her character - perhaps even give her something to brood or regret and gives her more a reason to wonder why this man affected her so profoundly with just his stare. Or the situation could be the other way around with the woman at sword-point and the prince standing over her.
Characters: I don't think you mentioned the narrator's name. It's difficult to connect with her when I don't know her name. The general voice of this came out somewhat flat as well - if you were to replace almost all the 'I's with 'she's, this would come out almost the same. The best thing about first person narration is getting the chance to really delve into a character's mind and tell it from their POV - adding some personal asides or inner monologue can help aid in the first-person narrative. However, I do think you have a great protagonist here; I always love seeing a strong female warrior lead. It'll be great to see her one-up the guys.
I hope you found this review helpful!
11/25/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
Oops, sorry! I totally reviewed the wrong story, didn't I? Well, here's another review.
O_o Wow, that's a violent way to begin! Nothing like killing to capture one's attention!
I like the premise of this. Even though I don't know much about your protagonist yet, I like how fierce she is. Though, from her character, I'd think that she wouldn't admire the prince so much after he turned around and fled- because outwardly, it's a pretty cowardly thing to do. You might want expand on why she has a crush on him. Is it just that he's handsome? Does she sense that he has other intentions? Just because he tells her he'll be back doesn't make his actions noble.
All in all though, a pretty solid start.
~Merle
5WhirlymerleOops, sorry! I totally reviewed the wrong story, didn't I? Well, here's another review.
O_o Wow, that's a violent way to begin! Nothing like killing to capture one's attention!
I like the premise of this. Even though I don't know much about your protagonist yet, I like how fierce she is. Though, from her character, I'd think that she wouldn't admire the prince so much after he turned around and fled- because outwardly, it's a pretty cowardly thing to do. You might want expand on why she has a crush on him. Is it just that he's handsome? Does she sense that he has other intentions? Just because he tells her he'll be back doesn't make his actions noble.
All in all though, a pretty solid start.
~Merle
1/22/2011 c3 3AccioAshes
Okay, since most of the reviews cover the basics, there's really just ONE little thing! (:
"The floor where the bed was was slowly moving downward."
See, I would just change the basic sentence structure right here, like:
"The bed and the floor it sat on was slowly moving downward."
This is really good, though! I like it a lot, it's different than quite a few I have read.
WingedRose*
3AccioAshesOkay, since most of the reviews cover the basics, there's really just ONE little thing! (:
"The floor where the bed was was slowly moving downward."
See, I would just change the basic sentence structure right here, like:
"The bed and the floor it sat on was slowly moving downward."
This is really good, though! I like it a lot, it's different than quite a few I have read.
WingedRose*
1/19/2011 c1 Canaletto
Seems like earlier reviews have already hit upon most of the technical problems with your first chapter; content wise, I feel as though the chapter was rather short, even for an opening. The meeting of star-crossed lovers is nothing new, but it is rare for the perspective to be set from the woman’s point of view. There twist could lead the story in some very exciting directions.
Canaletto
Seems like earlier reviews have already hit upon most of the technical problems with your first chapter; content wise, I feel as though the chapter was rather short, even for an opening. The meeting of star-crossed lovers is nothing new, but it is rare for the perspective to be set from the woman’s point of view. There twist could lead the story in some very exciting directions.
Canaletto
1/17/2011 c2 5Whirlymerle
Again, you need to be careful of technicalities and not switch between present and past tense—but enough with the boring stuff, onto the review of your content. :)
The story’s gettin’ exciting! Though some more background info would be lovely, I like that that your story is fast paced and action packed.
~Merle, Roadhouse
5WhirlymerleAgain, you need to be careful of technicalities and not switch between present and past tense—but enough with the boring stuff, onto the review of your content. :)
The story’s gettin’ exciting! Though some more background info would be lovely, I like that that your story is fast paced and action packed.
~Merle, Roadhouse
1/17/2011 c3 16a-random-writer
Back yet again!
I feel that you rush your characters into feeling things too fast.
Romy and Procello are enemies, yet just after she wakes up, you have Procello telling himself not to fall in love with her, as if he's already started to.
Develop your characters a little more before rushing into the romance part of the story.
16a-random-writerBack yet again!
I feel that you rush your characters into feeling things too fast.
Romy and Procello are enemies, yet just after she wakes up, you have Procello telling himself not to fall in love with her, as if he's already started to.
Develop your characters a little more before rushing into the romance part of the story.
1/17/2011 c2 a-random-writer
Another interesting, short chapter.
You're really good at fight scenes, you just need to put more details in!
Technical:
I came up and our swords [met] at last.
You just forgot to put the word met in there, is all.
Work on getting more descriptors and this would be a very good story.
-arandomwriter
Another interesting, short chapter.
You're really good at fight scenes, you just need to put more details in!
Technical:
I came up and our swords [met] at last.
You just forgot to put the word met in there, is all.
Work on getting more descriptors and this would be a very good story.
-arandomwriter
1/17/2011 c1 a-random-writer
Hullo(:
Interesting start to your story.
One technical thing first:
He was wearing coal black clothing. His skin was a smooth chocolaty brown and his hair as black as a night with neither the moon nor the stars, but his eyes were what I was most amazed [me].
It should be either 'what I was most amazed [with] or were what most amazed [me]. Either works.
At first, it sounds like the main character is just off on a killing spree. Maybe draw attention to the fact that it's a full-scale battle? If you filled in some details for the setting, you could flesh this chapter out quite a bit. Right now, it seems more like a skeleton.
-arandomwriter
Hullo(:
Interesting start to your story.
One technical thing first:
He was wearing coal black clothing. His skin was a smooth chocolaty brown and his hair as black as a night with neither the moon nor the stars, but his eyes were what I was most amazed [me].
It should be either 'what I was most amazed [with] or were what most amazed [me]. Either works.
At first, it sounds like the main character is just off on a killing spree. Maybe draw attention to the fact that it's a full-scale battle? If you filled in some details for the setting, you could flesh this chapter out quite a bit. Right now, it seems more like a skeleton.
-arandomwriter
1/17/2011 c1 This Account is Inactive
It always confuses me when people write in present tense.
Really, REALLY short chapters. It's so short that I can't tell if I like it yet...
Grammatical Errors and Whatnot:
"...That night as I [sat] down to eat with my family and friends as they celebrate..." Should be [sit].
"...I had to start to [acting] happy..." [To act] or [to start acting].
"...As I [pondered] over what had happened I [start] to wonder if.." You changed tense again.
It always confuses me when people write in present tense.
Really, REALLY short chapters. It's so short that I can't tell if I like it yet...
Grammatical Errors and Whatnot:
"...That night as I [sat] down to eat with my family and friends as they celebrate..." Should be [sit].
"...I had to start to [acting] happy..." [To act] or [to start acting].
"...As I [pondered] over what had happened I [start] to wonder if.." You changed tense again.
11/20/2010 c3 11UneFille
this is so good. love this story. just just one thing: u seem to change from past to present tense here and there so just keep that in mind.i really like it and can't wait for an update :)
11UneFillethis is so good. love this story. just just one thing: u seem to change from past to present tense here and there so just keep that in mind.i really like it and can't wait for an update :)
11/6/2010 c2 UneFille
this is amazing! UPDATE! i love the description and how you explode small moments. i already am in love with Procello...and his name :D
this is amazing! UPDATE! i love the description and how you explode small moments. i already am in love with Procello...and his name :D
9/5/2010 c1 1Sweetest Demon
Nice :)
i love the description.
The ending is the best part i think, the way u left it at a sort of romeo and juliet cliffhanger (Y)
are you writing anymore ?
1Sweetest DemonNice :)
i love the description.
The ending is the best part i think, the way u left it at a sort of romeo and juliet cliffhanger (Y)
are you writing anymore ?