Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Woman

12/17/2010 c1 22lipleaf
Flow: Overall, each line of this piece flows into the next quite nicely. However, there are some areas where it feels a bit forced. Part of the reason is the lack of punctuation, I think.

Technical aspects: Most of the enjambment is used well, but there are some line breaks that feels misplaced. This mostly happens in the areas where you have a bunch of one-line stanzas. When lines are singled out and put on their own it gives them emphasis, and overusing one-liners takes away from the effect so that nothing really stands out to the reader.

Punctuation/Grammar: I think this poem could benefit from some punctuation. Right now, without any commas or periods, reading it can be confusing and your message sort of gets lost because it's hard to distinguish one thought from another.

Other: The use of caps lock for "ALL" is a bit jarring. I don't think it really fits in with the rest of the poem, where tone is concerned.
8/27/2010 c1 29Vince Loring
...Wow. This one is dark. i like it. i really do. it is deep, and i connect with it so much. i hope that you don't feel like this on a regular basis though. you can always talk to me if you need someone though. i like how you discribe the actions of makeup and dressing up as kids activities. i like how you address different aspects of being an adult. It really speaks to me. please keep writing. but cheer up. i don't like to see you sad.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service