for The Red Path10/3/2010 c1 
99Dreamers-Requiem
Great story, with a really interesting backdrop and nice twist near the end. A few things though; some of the dialogue, especially with the Policeman, comes across as a bit too formal; I'd maybe try to make it a little bit more casual maybe?
Be careful of using 'then' too much, especially near the end;
[And then I shoot the remaining bullets into their heads.
I then walk out.]
Could be changed to "I shoot the remaining bullets into their heads.
I walk out, finding myself on the streets..."
just to alter the sentence structure a bit, as well?
99Dreamers-RequiemGreat story, with a really interesting backdrop and nice twist near the end. A few things though; some of the dialogue, especially with the Policeman, comes across as a bit too formal; I'd maybe try to make it a little bit more casual maybe?
Be careful of using 'then' too much, especially near the end;
[And then I shoot the remaining bullets into their heads.
I then walk out.]
Could be changed to "I shoot the remaining bullets into their heads.
I walk out, finding myself on the streets..."
just to alter the sentence structure a bit, as well?
9/3/2010 c1 10Katerzzz
O!
I really enjoyed this. Really, really enjoyed it.Interesting however that you have taken the idea of riots stemming from religion. I always enjoy a bit of near-Martyrdom ;D Very well written and I really really enjoyed it.
Another great piece :D
10KaterzzzO!
I really enjoyed this. Really, really enjoyed it.Interesting however that you have taken the idea of riots stemming from religion. I always enjoy a bit of near-Martyrdom ;D Very well written and I really really enjoyed it.
Another great piece :D
8/28/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
You have a very interesting setting here. Riots stemming from religious disputes have often been a backdrop for many interesting and different stories and films. Take 'Bombay' or 'Mumbai Meri Jaan', 'Lajja' (the book) for instance. Your writing style has improved vastly, but the dialouges are very off beat.
The Police Officer comes across as a fake character. In Mumbai where time is money, you can hardly expect a policeman to talk in this manner, especially inserting an archaic word here or there. He sounds like he has cross-dressed and walked out of a Jane Austen novel.
Otherwise the piece is really good. The feelings are really well depicted and the setting too is really good.
6MeAsIAmYou have a very interesting setting here. Riots stemming from religious disputes have often been a backdrop for many interesting and different stories and films. Take 'Bombay' or 'Mumbai Meri Jaan', 'Lajja' (the book) for instance. Your writing style has improved vastly, but the dialouges are very off beat.
The Police Officer comes across as a fake character. In Mumbai where time is money, you can hardly expect a policeman to talk in this manner, especially inserting an archaic word here or there. He sounds like he has cross-dressed and walked out of a Jane Austen novel.
Otherwise the piece is really good. The feelings are really well depicted and the setting too is really good.