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9/11/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
This is pretty good for spur of the moment. It's pretty basic but it's effective and enjoyable. I liked it because I could almost imagine it being sung. It could make a cool song.

My only suggestion would be to break it into different stanzas. It feels like some of the lines should be grouped rather than all being one thing because the flow seems to work on separate ideas rather than building on everything line by line. Does that make sense? I also think it'd be more visually appealing.

Overall, not bad. Good luck on WCC! :)
9/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
What a sweet poem! I think the simplicity highlighted the softer emotions presented here. It also seemed so genuine and straight from the heart of a real person to his true love. Adorable. :)

Good job and good luck in WCC!
9/6/2010 c1 4lookingwest
This is a pretty basic poem, there aren't any spectacular moments of simile and metaphor use, but I think my favorite line was "Will I look good in a tie?" because it just seemed like something men might think about, even women too, and it was nicely worded and in the right place. I liked the use of the "my love" and everything, because it seemed to add a bit of tenderness into the poem and the way the speaker speaks to their subject. Best of luck in the WCC
9/5/2010 c1 12lianoid
I might suggest formatting this piece into stanzas; I just think it might help me with the flow and whatnot. I'm horrible with reviewing poetry, so unfortunately I don't know what to critique. -_-" Nonetheless...

The "I don't want anyone to know/There's something I want to show" rhyme didn't do much for me. There wasn't anything wrong with it per se, the rhyme just felt a tad too simple for my taste, and almost... I don't want to say childish, but it just wasn't a well-rounded sort of rhyme; if that made any sense.

I quite enjoyed the "Who wears that pretty read dress/As a mother's soothing caress" rhyme, though. That part flowed quite well and the rhyme felt effortless and smooth.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good poem. Nothing horrible jumped out at me and my only criticism is the formatting. Best of luck in this month's WCC!
9/5/2010 c1 6notveryalice
Your poem makes grammatical sense throughout except for these lines: "These words, so weak,/ And lose composure." I'd change that up a bit because it's jarring, and stands out.

Why does the narrator want his/her lover to keep the painting secret? It's not clear from the poem what emotions are behind this wish. Should we root for the narrator or not? What's going on here?

Never ADMIT you've written anything in the spur of the moment, even freewriting, unless it's specifically requested by someone or some contest or whatever. This poem does actually read like it was written quickly - but it's very good for something that was written in a moment.

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