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for Gorack, Caveman Adventures

8/16/2011 c2 48Michael Panush
Well, it was kind of cool to see my setting and characters (or their grandson at least) being used, in a pretty neat way that didn't require knowledge of my stories to be understood. However, the story itself had numerous problems.

The characters, unlike the last one, were pretty sympathetic, being just unfortunate prisoners trying to earn their freedom. I liked the banter between Gorrack and the Mountain guy (though he did pretty cool with having his men die). Good job there.

The plot also made sense, but it was very simple. They fight a clockwork gladiator, lose, then fight him again and win. I was hoping to have them get some revenge against Burma, maybe lead a gladiator revolt, or get Gilgamesh on their side. Any twist or a hard moral choice or anything would be welcome, instead of this rather simple gladiator story that has been done before and done better. If you want to stand out, try and make your characters and story unique.

The descriptions and writing needed work. You have to spend more time describing what the scenery, monsters and characters look like. A single sentence won't cut it. Use multiple metaphors and give me a long detailed look at everything, particularly if they happen fast. Sensory details help a lot too. What does Gorrack feel when he's driving home a spear? Is he sweating? What does the arena smell like? Is it hot? You have to describe all those things. The names also needed work. The lord is named 'Burma'? Really? Like the country? Does he have a friend named 'Thailand'? And why is the clockwork guy named Gilgamesh? What does he have to do with the Babylonian Gilgamesh? Howard used names from myth, but they always made sense and tied back to the original myth in some way. Yours really don't. A lot of problems with commas also cropped up. Work on these, please.

So overall, you have a lot of stuff to work on. These problems appear again and again in your stories. Try and take care of them before posting something else, please. I don't want to be harsh on you, but they need to be corrected before you can progress as a writer.
9/7/2010 c1 Michael Panush
This was interesting, but unfortunately, not very good. You can write the kind of macho-warrior dialogue and descriptions very well and I was looking forward to some badass heroes having epic fights against creepy monsters, but the plot, characters and writing were all pretty weak.

The plot was very sparse and left a lot of questions. Why didn't the Bull God just go and kill the priest himself? He is a God, isn't he? Why were Gorack and Aja forced to do the Bull God's bidding? They seem a lot like cowards, throwing a seemingly harmless priest to a monster just because they're scared. They're pretty amoral too. Even Conan has a lot of moral standards, (see 'The Tower of the Elephant' where he helps out some trapped elephant-god creature) which is why the audience roots for him. These guys seem like a pair of cowards, and the only thing I'd like to read about is them getting beaten by some real heroes. The writing had some good lines, but there were a lot of errors, including some major lack of commas that made a lot of it confusing to read.

Work on all of those, and this will be a lot better.

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