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for Mocking Bird

12/12/2010 c1 12lianoid
All that's viewable of the owner from my perch is a leg.

-Personal: I would change "viewable" to "visible".

Anyone in the neighbourhood wants to know something, they come to me.

-Personal: I might toss an "If" before "Anyone". I feel you're going for a certain tone, which is fine, but the sentence still doesn't read as completely as it could if you wrote an "If" at the beginning.

While she looks at me like I was the inbred son of a crow, I continue.

-Ha-ha, I like that. I have a bit of a thing for crows considering one my favourite character's is part crow, so this was a neat little joke that made me chuckle for multiple reasons.

I smirk, speaking in a condescending tone.

-Personal: I would revise the second part of this sentence. Maybe something like, "adopting a condescending tone" or "I smirk, tone now condescending" or something similar.

Nice ending. When you described him looking down at the shades, I had a feeling he had a part in the killing. I wondered why he had the shades but I like how I didn't know exactly how he had gotten them, so the ending was a nice surprise and a neat way to end.

-Prize review for November's RM.
12/3/2010 c1 97rust phoenix
The first sentence of the story is definitely intriguing. The flow of it sounds a bit awkward to me, however - I think it's the passive tense. "The bent, broken sunglasses lie four feet away from their owner" sounds more involved in my opinion. In the next sentence, "viewable" should be "visible".

The few two paragraphs are fantastic for showing character and building interest in the story.

I'm not sure about the phrase "a slight lisp travelling between her two large front teeth". It sounds off to me. Maybe "the lisped words travelled past her two large front teeth" would make more sense.

"chirp happily" is redundant. I don't think it's really possible to chirp sadly. This description of Bir as happy-sounding to be explaining the murder is a great characterization, though. Although I would like to know what is being misunderstood exactly. Excitement? Intrigue? He just always has a happy sounding voice?

The characterization of Squi as enjoying the gory details really adds to her character and keeps her from being a stock sidekick. Also, the detail of Bir finding murders entertaining is an interesting touch.

I want to know where this takes place. It doesn't seem to be the real world, judging by the names. "Sometimes I honestly don't know how I manage to live on in this world, knowing that the majority of people around me are uneducated, dumb morons, and that I will always be the responsible one." If I knew where this took place, I would be better able to know what I am supposed to draw out of that sentence. Is Bir really stuck up or is the education system that bad? Squi doesn't seem very smart, but it's also mentioned that she is young. Knowing how young would be very helpful in understanding how I am meant to perceive this character.

It's always interesting to read about amoral characters, and Bir is a good example of this. I can't quite tell what direction this story is going to take, but I feel it will probably interesting.
11/29/2010 c1 Indigo Masquerade
Dumb morons? As opposed to smart morons? That messed up the flow of this story for me because I'm so damn neurotic. I think you should take out the word dumb.

I was wondering what the title had to do with the story at first, but of course I soon found out.

I love the concept of a bad-ass little birdie, I totally wasn't expecting that, although when I read this a second time I picked up on the subtle hints you left. It's nice you don't make it too obvious until the final paragraph.

I like the way you write Squi's speech. Her personality came across really well for me and I think her little mispronounciation thing added to that.

Great job :)
11/28/2010 c1 12Loqwell
Haha, although with all the comments the bird made about being a little off because of his morbid tendencies, I find myself a little sheepish that my reaction to the ending was to laugh. ^^;

I like how you kind of gave little clues as to who the characters were, rather than outright saying they were a bird and a squirrel at the beginning.

It's a very cute story, with a unique exploration of characters. I liked it!

~Loqwell
11/28/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Coming to you from the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link on profile)

I like how you never told the reader precisely what the narrator was. That way, I could pick up the clues. Also, at the beginning I naturally assumed Bir was human, so his detachment to murder was even more chilling and it made me think of Bir's opinions not as something a bird might think, but like something a human might think.

Liked the ending, too. It makes the story, and the mystery, all the more disturbing. Really fits with the title and makes the reader think.
11/27/2010 c1 5PurpleSnowflake
Interesting idea. Very nice character development of your characters, unique in personality. I could tell exactly who they were. Didn't catch any spelling/grammar errors, nice job.

-PurpleSnowflake
9/8/2010 c1 20diwu6398
Never mind, the spelling errors were part of the character's dialect. I should really read more slowly. Haha. Um. Well, that was interesting. I LOVE MURDERERS! Sunglasses can be amazingly expensive.
9/7/2010 c1 52bran4ever
Hehehehe! Perfect! I was a little wary, but curious after reading the first few lines, but that was hysterical. The story was funny. The characters were amazing, especially Mr. Stuck-on-Himself Bird-Brain.

On another note, I love the way your stories flow. Honestly, that's the hardest part of writing for me. I can't make the story read smoothly. The transitions are great and the dialogue is well-balanced with the rest of the story.

I thoroughly enjoyed this!
9/7/2010 c1 hem in way
Very creative ,well written and clever. Write on.

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