for The Young Exorcist9/19/2010 c1 
12DarkHawk14
This is a good start, and by the synopsis, this sounds like it should be an interesting story.
First of all, be careful to keep your writing style consistent. Sometimes the language you use sounds very casual, and sometimes it sounds too flowery.
The plot in this is a little hard to follow right now, and I got quite confused toward the end. i think rewording of a few things would help that a lot though.
Keep up the good work, maybe just give this chapter a good read through and clarify some things.
~DarkHawk
12DarkHawk14This is a good start, and by the synopsis, this sounds like it should be an interesting story.
First of all, be careful to keep your writing style consistent. Sometimes the language you use sounds very casual, and sometimes it sounds too flowery.
The plot in this is a little hard to follow right now, and I got quite confused toward the end. i think rewording of a few things would help that a lot though.
Keep up the good work, maybe just give this chapter a good read through and clarify some things.
~DarkHawk
9/18/2010 c2 3datonman
Great concept. I like the whole 'supernatural meets the covenant' idea. Very daring. The prologue seemed over the top but nevertheless a good intro to a hopefully great story. The students in this chapter have great personalities. Anyway keep it up and I look to reading more.
3datonmanGreat concept. I like the whole 'supernatural meets the covenant' idea. Very daring. The prologue seemed over the top but nevertheless a good intro to a hopefully great story. The students in this chapter have great personalities. Anyway keep it up and I look to reading more.
9/11/2010 c1 10HoodedStellaish
Hello from the RH!
Great story, I enjoyed it. But, like all stories, there are a few things to work out. Please, please don't take my critique the wrong way, I'm just trying to help so please excuse my frankness on some things.
Alrighty where to start, hmm?
::"His breath came in tight gasps and his eyes looked afraid. His face had become deadly white. His face had become deadly white. He was tall and athletic with black curly hair that streamed down to his shoulders. He was weary; his legs could carry him no more. The thumping of his heart became louder with every step he took.":: This whole paragraph didn't grip me at all. It was all tell, not show. Now, here's how you fix that. When describing something ask yourself how and why. For instance, why was his heart thudding so hard, how hard was it thudding? You see what I mean?
I got why you were so secretive in the beginning, but I think it was way too in your face for foreshadowing. Tell us why we need to watch this man run for his life, or else the reader can and will lose interest.
::The yellow lamps began flickering faster and at one point, they just blew out.:: Okay, so this description…did not satisfy me at all. The “and at one point” took away from the suspense. For suspense, stay away from stuff like that. People want exact time, exact place, etc. So, how long was it after the lights started flickering that they blew out? See, there’s that “how” question again.
Okay, I’m going to be really frank right now. The transition between the movie and the teenager seen was really weak. It took me three paragraphs to figure out that these were different people, and that is not a good thing. I got really, really confused to “where” I was in the story, which distracts from the potential that your story has. So, I suggest you put a margin between when the horror movie cuts off and then it’s the teenagers. That tells us that there’s a switch happening, whether it’s a scene or a point of view, it doesn’t matter.
The story was good, but I found it very hard to follow. The pace of it was slow, then it sped up, and then it slowed down again, and then it sped up again. It gave me whiplash. The pace made me realize that this is the first draft, correct? If it is, don’t worry. It’ll get better over time.
Otherwise, no complaints. Good job! I think the story has some real potential and could be big one day! Great job! Keep it up!
Sincerely, Stella aka HoodedStellaish
10HoodedStellaishHello from the RH!
Great story, I enjoyed it. But, like all stories, there are a few things to work out. Please, please don't take my critique the wrong way, I'm just trying to help so please excuse my frankness on some things.
Alrighty where to start, hmm?
::"His breath came in tight gasps and his eyes looked afraid. His face had become deadly white. His face had become deadly white. He was tall and athletic with black curly hair that streamed down to his shoulders. He was weary; his legs could carry him no more. The thumping of his heart became louder with every step he took.":: This whole paragraph didn't grip me at all. It was all tell, not show. Now, here's how you fix that. When describing something ask yourself how and why. For instance, why was his heart thudding so hard, how hard was it thudding? You see what I mean?
I got why you were so secretive in the beginning, but I think it was way too in your face for foreshadowing. Tell us why we need to watch this man run for his life, or else the reader can and will lose interest.
::The yellow lamps began flickering faster and at one point, they just blew out.:: Okay, so this description…did not satisfy me at all. The “and at one point” took away from the suspense. For suspense, stay away from stuff like that. People want exact time, exact place, etc. So, how long was it after the lights started flickering that they blew out? See, there’s that “how” question again.
Okay, I’m going to be really frank right now. The transition between the movie and the teenager seen was really weak. It took me three paragraphs to figure out that these were different people, and that is not a good thing. I got really, really confused to “where” I was in the story, which distracts from the potential that your story has. So, I suggest you put a margin between when the horror movie cuts off and then it’s the teenagers. That tells us that there’s a switch happening, whether it’s a scene or a point of view, it doesn’t matter.
The story was good, but I found it very hard to follow. The pace of it was slow, then it sped up, and then it slowed down again, and then it sped up again. It gave me whiplash. The pace made me realize that this is the first draft, correct? If it is, don’t worry. It’ll get better over time.
Otherwise, no complaints. Good job! I think the story has some real potential and could be big one day! Great job! Keep it up!
Sincerely, Stella aka HoodedStellaish
9/9/2010 c2 6A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
The main thing I got from this chapter was Derek's character. He is so irresistably cute! Especially the way the hole in his heart is just now just a part of his everyday life. He doesn't hate or resent it.
I wonder how the 'curse' part from the prologue will play a part?
6A Kiss in the DreamhouseThe main thing I got from this chapter was Derek's character. He is so irresistably cute! Especially the way the hole in his heart is just now just a part of his everyday life. He doesn't hate or resent it.
I wonder how the 'curse' part from the prologue will play a part?
9/9/2010 c1 A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Silly thing: I love the name Mortimer! Reminds me of Sherlock Holmes, my favourite book!
Speaking of his character...I'm a little creeped out by him, but that's only because of the last line. So nice one.
The first half of the piece really seemed to set up the rest of the piece well. Some of the description really chilled me, like: " It is right that you sacrifice yourself, because Christ has decreed that your blood shall be the medium through which they shall be punished to the netherworld."
Nice beginning!
Silly thing: I love the name Mortimer! Reminds me of Sherlock Holmes, my favourite book!
Speaking of his character...I'm a little creeped out by him, but that's only because of the last line. So nice one.
The first half of the piece really seemed to set up the rest of the piece well. Some of the description really chilled me, like: " It is right that you sacrifice yourself, because Christ has decreed that your blood shall be the medium through which they shall be punished to the netherworld."
Nice beginning!
9/9/2010 c1 Charactarantula
You have a multitude of spelling and grammatical errors in your opening synopsis. I'm not going to spend my time on this review focused on fixing mistakes like this because it is tedious and requires a lot of work on my part. If, after you read what I do have to say in this review, really want my help, you can contact me, but I've spent hours reviewing people's stories, fixing mistakes, and trying to help them out and haven't gotten so much as a reply, so I have effectively stopped.
Now, why are you giving away the entire plot of your story in a single paragraph? The joy of reading the story should be discovering these things, yet you spoil them in the synopsis. Something to consider changing.
Bone to pick with the story's opening, and I'm sure this is a continuing trend. I will simply say this: stop TELLING the story. Let the story evolve naturally! Your flow is choppy, and repetitive. Take for example, this paragraph:
"The corridor was too long and he was alone. What he had seen, only he could tell. The corridor was a narrow one; enclosed by walls on either side. The walls on the right were full of small gaping holes through which one could see outside. Once and anon a window would appear, hiding behind white curtains now waving backwards due to the flush of cold air from the outside. The corridor was lit with dim yellow lamps that soon began to flicker. His heart became heavier. He started looking behind and he was appalled."
The corridor was this, the corridor was that, the corridor was this, the walls were this, the window was this, he thought this, he felt like this, he looked like this. You're giving us all this detail but it is choppy in presentation, and there is almost no emotion behind it. If you aren't properly describing setting or making it interesting to the reader, why would we care? What is there to make me care at all about this character?
This all comes with practice and experience, and I don't doubt that it is something you cannot accomplish without a little nudge in the right direction.
Cheers,
Jake
You have a multitude of spelling and grammatical errors in your opening synopsis. I'm not going to spend my time on this review focused on fixing mistakes like this because it is tedious and requires a lot of work on my part. If, after you read what I do have to say in this review, really want my help, you can contact me, but I've spent hours reviewing people's stories, fixing mistakes, and trying to help them out and haven't gotten so much as a reply, so I have effectively stopped.
Now, why are you giving away the entire plot of your story in a single paragraph? The joy of reading the story should be discovering these things, yet you spoil them in the synopsis. Something to consider changing.
Bone to pick with the story's opening, and I'm sure this is a continuing trend. I will simply say this: stop TELLING the story. Let the story evolve naturally! Your flow is choppy, and repetitive. Take for example, this paragraph:
"The corridor was too long and he was alone. What he had seen, only he could tell. The corridor was a narrow one; enclosed by walls on either side. The walls on the right were full of small gaping holes through which one could see outside. Once and anon a window would appear, hiding behind white curtains now waving backwards due to the flush of cold air from the outside. The corridor was lit with dim yellow lamps that soon began to flicker. His heart became heavier. He started looking behind and he was appalled."
The corridor was this, the corridor was that, the corridor was this, the walls were this, the window was this, he thought this, he felt like this, he looked like this. You're giving us all this detail but it is choppy in presentation, and there is almost no emotion behind it. If you aren't properly describing setting or making it interesting to the reader, why would we care? What is there to make me care at all about this character?
This all comes with practice and experience, and I don't doubt that it is something you cannot accomplish without a little nudge in the right direction.
Cheers,
Jake