Just In
for A Boy and A Girl

9/13/2010 c1 13gigglebug
the pacing of this was really enjoyable, PJ! letting the reader in to information one thing at a time. very nice :D

I dun have much to say, I'm a woman of few words. but good luck in WCC! :D
9/12/2010 c1 30sophiesix
LOVE the petite Blonde. she is so classy, and so smart, and she totally breaks the truth to Josh in an awesome way. its a kind of releasing truth, and i love that ending - it even kinda work in italics, lol, i know you didn't mean it but it made me concentrate harder so maybe it was more impactful or something? dunno but it totally worked. that guilt kept him close to her, but it was hurting him too. the truth - that it wouldn't have mattered waht anyone did - puts his relationship (however close/passionate) in perspective and frees him from the guilt. i just love that. really, really nicely done, and good luck in the wcc! :D
9/10/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Jeez, what's up with those italics at the end? They took SO much out of the story. Ugh. (Just messing with you. XD It's really not that bad.)

I have to say there are a lot of things in this I didn't understand. I didn't know what happened to the girlfriend (other than being dead and something about a stone...?), I didn't know how it was/could be his fault, and I was confused about what I perceived as kinda mixed messages from the lady at the end (who first said he needs people and then says people don't matter). That made this a little hard for me to follow, I must admit. Still, I could see where it was going and I think the ending, having this stranger change his view on things, worked pretty well.

This has great mood to it. I loved the way you started the story with the repetition of 'she's dead' because it really showed how shocked he was by that news. I could imagine this kid just being hit by that and not having any clue how to react. I liked how he's a little awkward and unsure what to do about the things he's feeling (particularly his smiling when he probably doesn't mean to) because that reminded me of my younger sister's reaction to my dad's death. He's a great character and the narration from him makes the story so much richer.

Overall, an interesting story. :) Good luck with WCC!
9/9/2010 c1 12lianoid
I was certainly surprised to find out it was his girlfriend who died. For some reason I was just expecting it to be a family member, so I enjoyed that little surprise. I think you captured the conflicting emotions pretty well, and I enjoyed the inner tension in this. I'm not a huge fan of message pieces, but I think you pulled it off well.

I was sort of expecting more to happen between the narrator and women, though. Not really sure why, to be honest; it just felt like something more was going to happen.

I didn't bump into any grammatical errors, but I'm wondering why the last four paragraphs are in italics. Overall, though, an excellent submission. Your take on the prompt was interesting; it definitely set this piece apart from some of the others. Best of luck in this month's WCC.
9/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
I heart it when characters me random people and learn a lesson about life. Especially when the random people and smart ass female professors.

You handled the emotions on the part of the MC very well, and his reaction to the woman was excellent.

Really, for such a short piece you managed to do a lot to make this very insightful and worth remembering. The ending was perfect. Any particular reason why the last four paragraphs are italicized, or is that just for effect?

Good job with this and good luck in WCC!
9/8/2010 c1 spambot
Might want to fix the italics at the end. I think you only meant to highlight the word "her", but it looks like you forgot to turn them off.

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