for A Bond Torn Apart5/31/2012 c1 YuePantera
This is so sad and it has me feeling so upset for you. I'm sorry. It's very good to be able to cause such an emotion from the reader. X
This is so sad and it has me feeling so upset for you. I'm sorry. It's very good to be able to cause such an emotion from the reader. X
4/9/2012 c1 
7CupCake34
:,( This was so sad! I dislike the concept of losing a friend, and the hurt you put in here was good. The way you phrased your sentances sort of gave it a sad tone, and I liked that!
7CupCake34:,( This was so sad! I dislike the concept of losing a friend, and the hurt you put in here was good. The way you phrased your sentances sort of gave it a sad tone, and I liked that!
9/9/2010 c1 11HiddenFromYou
I like the contrast you've set here between the bond of friendship being torn apart and the bookmakr suffering the same fate. The two ideas set each other off well.
I find the plot a little unbelievable though. I presume these are teenagers, due to the way the narator character reacts, but the other's character's reaction is a little over the top. I mean, breaking up a friendship over a bookmark? Either they're younger than your writing style makes out, or their friendship wasn't very strong to begin with.
There are a few mistakes, which would be fixed by getting a beta. I'd be willing to do this if you would like. :)
"too fast that I didn't even have the time to register everything into my mind." - "too" should be 'so' and the words "into my mind" can be cut completely, as they make the sentence seem very heavy.
"like it's just" - "it's" should be 'it was'.
"It's our free" - "It's" should be 'It was'.
"she allowed me to get it under her chair." - The word 'from' should be placed between the words 'it' and 'under'.
"I noticed a bookmark that was inserted in nearly half of the book" - Should be 'I noticed a bookmark that was inserted nearly halfway through the book'.
"holdin'" - As there aren't any other instances of slang in this piece, writing the entire word would be better.
"She sat on her seat, which is, beside me" - Would read better as: 'She sat in her seat beside me'.
"the one who broke it was, HIM." - Never use all uppercase for any such words as this, as it's incorrect use of the language. If you want a word to stand out, put it in italics.
11HiddenFromYouI like the contrast you've set here between the bond of friendship being torn apart and the bookmakr suffering the same fate. The two ideas set each other off well.
I find the plot a little unbelievable though. I presume these are teenagers, due to the way the narator character reacts, but the other's character's reaction is a little over the top. I mean, breaking up a friendship over a bookmark? Either they're younger than your writing style makes out, or their friendship wasn't very strong to begin with.
There are a few mistakes, which would be fixed by getting a beta. I'd be willing to do this if you would like. :)
"too fast that I didn't even have the time to register everything into my mind." - "too" should be 'so' and the words "into my mind" can be cut completely, as they make the sentence seem very heavy.
"like it's just" - "it's" should be 'it was'.
"It's our free" - "It's" should be 'It was'.
"she allowed me to get it under her chair." - The word 'from' should be placed between the words 'it' and 'under'.
"I noticed a bookmark that was inserted in nearly half of the book" - Should be 'I noticed a bookmark that was inserted nearly halfway through the book'.
"holdin'" - As there aren't any other instances of slang in this piece, writing the entire word would be better.
"She sat on her seat, which is, beside me" - Would read better as: 'She sat in her seat beside me'.
"the one who broke it was, HIM." - Never use all uppercase for any such words as this, as it's incorrect use of the language. If you want a word to stand out, put it in italics.