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for Requiem of Darkness, Dirge of Night

9/26/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
Finally I can returned this to you X( sorry for the lateness of this.. Anywho, I'm starting to fall in love with this :) my kind of story! The main character sounds awesome and the plot is chilling and exticing (sorry for the wrong spelling )

I look forward to more of this :)

9/21/2010 c1 19Mandyla
"I can still remember the moment I became a murderer." Nice way to grab the reader's attention. The prologue had a good pace to it. I just couldn't believe she was ten after reading that, I thought for sure fifteen or so, so it was a good thing you put that in at the end of the section. I like the interaction between the four of them in the first chapter and it leaves me wondering about all this. What is the significance of her Song and what's so important about this Dagger? I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out!
9/20/2010 c1 12lianoid
A tantalizing smell struck my nostrils, making my mouth water.

-Personal: “tantalizing smell” reads oddly to me. I think “scent” might work better, and for some reason, I don’t feel “tantalizing” fits this sentence as well as it should. Consider revising.

My stomach growled, reminding me of how many hours if not days had passed since I had eaten.

-Edit: Comma after “hours” and “days” since “if not days” is an inserted phrase here, I believe.

My eyes widened in horror as a hand shot out from the darkness, easily snatching the Dagger before my fingers could close around its leather bound hilt.

-Edit/Personal: “leather bound” might read better as “leather-bound” to as to show the closer relationship between the two words.

"Well, you made that much easier than I had expected," came a woman's voice. "I hadn't been expecting you to just hand it over like that."

-Personal: I would change the second stream of dialogue to read “I hadn’t anticipated you handing it over like that” or something similar in order to remove the repetition of “expect”.

"Give it back," I hissed, my voice thin and reedy.

-Excellent balance with dialogue tag and description. Thumbs up.

My breath came in rapid pants as I fled from that terrifying woman who had stolen my Dagger.

-Personal: I didn’t find the woman to be that terrifying, actually. I would suggest showing us she’s terrifying, other than having the narrator tell us she is. “that terrifying woman” sticks out at me and isn’t as solid as the rest of the narrative here. Consider revising.

What’s with the capitalization of “Dagger, Song”, and “Song”? I’m sure you have a decent reason for it, but I have to be honest—I find it distracting and can’t figure out why it’s necessary to capitalize them.

I went back to the first chantlike melody and Sang it once again, feeling my veins sing along with me

-Personal: I really like the “veins sing along with me” bit, but I think you could elaborate on this image. It’s a really neat one, and I, for one, would like to see it played up a bit more. Perhaps they strum like a stringed instrument or vibrate and soothe her fear. I dunno, I just think you could go all out with this one since it’s such a great line.

O, excellent final line of the prologue here. I wasn’t expecting the narrator to be so young. Excellent use of suspense, as well; I really wanted to know why the narrator was carrying a dagger and who she was going to visit.

I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised to see how well this has been edited. It’s such a refreshing change not to have to explain correct dialogue tag punctuation and whatnot. Major, major kudos to you for a sparkling clean piece. Your descriptions and dialogue were smooth and never gratuitous, and everything seems to be nicely polished. I might suggest, however, trying out some shorter sentences with the action parts; I find shorter sentences create a nice rhythm that makes action sequences all the more tense and lively.

I might also suggest uploading the prologue and chapter one separately. There’s nothing wrong with this chapter’s length, but the prologue and chapter one are two separate... er... chapters, in a sense. Completely up to you; there’s certainly nothing wrong with what you’ve done here; I’m just tossing it out there. :)

Its rhythm is perfectly in time with my heart, never faltering, never swaying.

-Personal: I would change the order of some of the words here, so it reads: “It’s rhythm is in perfect time with my heart...”

Lightning crackles in my veins, makes my feet seem to dance.

-Edit: There’s a bit of conjugation or tense mix-up here, I believe. Right now, the sentence isn’t reading properly to me, so I’m suggesting you try either: “Lightning crackles in my veins, making my feet seem to dance” or “Lightening crackles in my veins, which makes my feet seem to dance.” Personally, I think the second suggestion works best; the first one still seems a little off. :3

His dark hair is glistening with a few drops of the drizzle that dampened the ground.

-Personal: “dampened” doesn’t read correctly to me. I think “dampens” would work, but I’m not entirely sure. Wait, yes. I believe “dampens” is what you want, since you’re writing in present tense.

...if he knows exactly where he'll find my face. When he locks onto my face, it's his eyes that smile, not his lips.

-Style: I would change “locks onto my face” to “locks onto it” to avoid the repetition of “face” and because I feel the readers would automatically attach “it” to her “face”. Make sense? That sounded kind of funny, actually. What I’m saying is that if you replace “face” with “it” the readers will still know what you’re referring to, I believe.

But there's something unnerving about that smile, something that makes me curious, makes me take a tiny step forward.

-Excellent line here. I love the repetition; you didn’t go too far with it. You didn’t stretch it out longer than necessary; right now, it reads beautifully.

No sooner has my foot touched the ground that strong hands grab me from behind...

-Edit: I believe you want “that” to be “than”. Also, this reads a tad... hmm... it just doesn’t read smoothly, I feel. See if you can tidy it up a bit, perhaps even try something like: “No sooner does my foot touch the ground when strong hands grab me from behind..." or something similar.

"Right, I almost forgot what we were even doing this for," says the dark-haired man, apparently known as Vice

-Personal: This feels a bit unrealistic to me. reading, it feels like only a few moments have passed, and unless they bantered for much longer, I don’t think he would forget what they were doing. Consider revising this dialogue to make it sound more believable.

My blood runs cold. The way he said 'singing' makes me know that he understands the nature of my Song, that he knows what it meant, what I am.

-Personal: I would change the commas after “Song” and “meant” to semi-colons to get that longer pause that it provides. This sentence is currently grammatically correct, so you are, obviously, under no obligation to change it.

"Alright," says the dark-haired one. He lifts one of my knives from the ground and flips it in his hand so that the hilt will strike me.

-Edit: A dear friend enlightened me a little while back about the word “Alright”. “Alright” is, technically, a misspelling of “All right”. Although MSWord and other word programs seem to accept it, the grammatically correct spelling should be “All right”. Alright isn’t all right. ;)

"Wait, Vice," says the other voice, and a figure steps between me and the dark-haired man, ready to block the incoming blow./"What is it, Haze?" asks Vice, his eyes darting to the man who stands between us. He is slightly taller than Vice, but is slight in build.

-Edit: In situations such as this, when characters refer to one another by their names, it reads rather obviously. You should try to subtly let the reader know who each character is. Right now, it’s too obvious. Toss in some descriptions of each character earlier, and let us know their names gradually; one at a time, almost. Then, when they’re speaking, you won’t have to have the characters address each other by their names, because we’ll already have a decent picture in our minds and be able to recognize them. This is a tough thing to do, I know—I struggled with pulling it off through numerous rewrites. However, I’m confident you’ll be able to remedy this in no time.

His face holds an attractiveness that I hadn't been expecting. I had been sure I would find hatred and malice etched into harsh, rigid features. But instead, his green eyes are calm and calculating, and I can see protectiveness in them. Yet his lips are frozen in a grim scowl, and it is there that the ruthlessness I had heard in his voice is apparent.

-Awesome, awesome descriptions here! Incredibly creative, varied, and a joy to read. You are really good at this, and I commend you for writing such a wonderful paragraph of description that surprised me with its brilliance.

Haze waves his arm, throwing a knife that's no longer in his hand, and the white-haired man tightens his grip on a girl who's not there anymore.

-Personal: I would revise the last part of this to read: “...tightens his grip on a girl who’s no longer there.”

The whole mood of this conversation has changed in an instant.

-Personal: I would remove “whole”.

There's nothing I'm risking by deciding to trust these three for a little while and perhaps even learn more about my Songs.

-Personal: This feels a tad incomplete. I would add a “men/boys (depending on age)” after “three”.

I would say this is an excellent start to a story. This first part is edited incredibly well, and for the most part, reads smoothly. Brilliant job; keep it up.


P.S. Welcome to the Roadhouse. Hope to see you around more often. :)
9/19/2010 c1 2fudgyvmp
got to say that the prologue is okay, but I think the first chapter is much more attention drawing, its dark, with a curious undertone. the best part of the prologue is the end a nice touch to add her age, it presented this list of dreary facts about her. it really snaps the attention cause otherwise I'd have labeled her older, sixteen or so.

I say the prologue is okay because of the presentation of the Singing the first time could have been much better once you give your second mention of it "The dark, growling melody that rolls of[f] my lips is more familiar than anything else in my life. As I move through these same dark alleys, the Song gives me strength, makes me aware. It's rhythm is perfectly in time with my heart, never faltering, never swaying. Lightning crackles in my veins, makes my feet seem to dance. I am alive when I Sing, I am part of the night." that gives chills, the first time she does it though its like its happening, but we don't get into how she feels, other than she feels stronger. This really shows the strength she feels where the first time its more just stated and I'd imagine a ten year old wouldn't be focused on the strength, but rather pardon my words 'scared shitless.' but there's nothing of her emotions in the description either way.

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