for Tiny Riddles11/16/2010 c1 
1D. Russel Smith
Extremely well written. Everything was painted with words into a visual masterpiece without any illustration.
1D. Russel SmithExtremely well written. Everything was painted with words into a visual masterpiece without any illustration.
10/10/2010 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Nice story. The descriptions are great, particularly of the painting. I liked that the painting/picture itself was the big mystery of the story because it's such an unusual moment and having it be a real memory was cool to me. It made a realistic explanation for something I thought looked too fantastic to be real and I was impressed how well you handled that. The lady at the end was sweet and reminded me of my grandma, reminiscing about when she just met my grandpa. Sweet. :) I also liked the repetition of 'tiny riddles' and then how you changed it to 'tiny secrets'. That tied it all together.
Nice work and good luck in the WCC!
63RedactedNoLongerWritingNice story. The descriptions are great, particularly of the painting. I liked that the painting/picture itself was the big mystery of the story because it's such an unusual moment and having it be a real memory was cool to me. It made a realistic explanation for something I thought looked too fantastic to be real and I was impressed how well you handled that. The lady at the end was sweet and reminded me of my grandma, reminiscing about when she just met my grandpa. Sweet. :) I also liked the repetition of 'tiny riddles' and then how you changed it to 'tiny secrets'. That tied it all together.
Nice work and good luck in the WCC!
10/8/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
"My father was an artist, at least he was when I was growing up."
I instantly felt a this-is-going-to-be-really-cool vibe after reading this opening line.
"I coughed violently as dust slithered down my throat, the taste of darkness, loneliness, and bitterness lingering as dust particles were expelled."
Hearts for this line!
Gorgeous and romantic story! Very sweet. Almost... magical. The way you went through the history was beautiful, and the conversation with the old lady was truly heartwarming. :)
"What is the sound of the path not taken?"
Great ending!
21Sercus Kaynine"My father was an artist, at least he was when I was growing up."
I instantly felt a this-is-going-to-be-really-cool vibe after reading this opening line.
"I coughed violently as dust slithered down my throat, the taste of darkness, loneliness, and bitterness lingering as dust particles were expelled."
Hearts for this line!
Gorgeous and romantic story! Very sweet. Almost... magical. The way you went through the history was beautiful, and the conversation with the old lady was truly heartwarming. :)
"What is the sound of the path not taken?"
Great ending!
10/7/2010 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
I am quite the fan of this piece! It's both clever and original, and your characters are keenly visible to the reader. I am especially fond of the picture you painted of the father of the speaker.
However, I did find one thing that irked me. It seems to me that you did not do much work on the overall tone of this piece. Rather, it feels like you sat down twice and wrote two separate pieces - the first half and the second. The first half is very introspective and deep and almost ethereal. The second half, however, seems much too whimsical in comparison, especially where language is concerned. The dialogue seemed a little bit too wispy.
Other than that, great job here! I definitely enjoyed reading this piece!
-thewhimsicalbard
75thewhimsicalbardI am quite the fan of this piece! It's both clever and original, and your characters are keenly visible to the reader. I am especially fond of the picture you painted of the father of the speaker.
However, I did find one thing that irked me. It seems to me that you did not do much work on the overall tone of this piece. Rather, it feels like you sat down twice and wrote two separate pieces - the first half and the second. The first half is very introspective and deep and almost ethereal. The second half, however, seems much too whimsical in comparison, especially where language is concerned. The dialogue seemed a little bit too wispy.
Other than that, great job here! I definitely enjoyed reading this piece!
-thewhimsicalbard
10/3/2010 c1 1xenolith
Man. I think this piece has moments of true beauty, I really do! It seemed to ease into a revelation then ease right on out again, and it left me kind of moved. Well done. Beautiful writing.
As far as concrit goes, I have a few issues. First, I didn't quite believe the old lady's story, I would have liked a bit more old lady manerisms in there to keep it realistic. Also, I feel like it could be paraphrased and slid into the narrative with the narrators thoughts imposed onto it. But, that's just a minor thing.
'I nodded in satisfaction.'
- I wanted something more than this. The story was so pretty, and all he could do was nod in satisfaction? What about just nodding?
I think the rest of this was wonderful. Love how it unfolded, how simple it was, simple but good. Yeah. You should really enter the comp!
1xenolithMan. I think this piece has moments of true beauty, I really do! It seemed to ease into a revelation then ease right on out again, and it left me kind of moved. Well done. Beautiful writing.
As far as concrit goes, I have a few issues. First, I didn't quite believe the old lady's story, I would have liked a bit more old lady manerisms in there to keep it realistic. Also, I feel like it could be paraphrased and slid into the narrative with the narrators thoughts imposed onto it. But, that's just a minor thing.
'I nodded in satisfaction.'
- I wanted something more than this. The story was so pretty, and all he could do was nod in satisfaction? What about just nodding?
I think the rest of this was wonderful. Love how it unfolded, how simple it was, simple but good. Yeah. You should really enter the comp!
10/2/2010 c1 30sophiesix
I like how you weave this whole story from the one picture. "And I could almost envision the scene playing out; one kiss on the cheek, one kiss on the neck and a grand finale on the lips " just lovely.
" It was a smell of cobwebs, dust, and the sadness of forgotten things" love that last part. great use of teh senses.
a couple of little things could be polished, to me, but they are minor. Most of the time you use 'then', i don't you need to. ie. "I then coughed violently " "I then began the arduous task" "He then led me up a ladder", "We then descended". i dunno, it started to sound a bit repetitive after a while? and i think those sentences would work fine without them, which might balance it up a bit?
You could maybe cut down on some of teh adverbs too, for instance you've got immediately four times.
The dialogue flowed well and really kept my attention, and the lack of speaker tags was really refreshing and helped that flow a lot.
for the grand majority, i think your sentences structures are nicely varied, but i did notice one particular structure repeating a little more often than i wanted. E.g. "The man had a shaved scalp and appeared", "He was topless and wore", "The light speared through the water and etched", "I lifted the gray tarp and a deep silence settled" etc. its only minor, but there you go.
only one potential spelling issue i noticed: "She touched my hand and drew me closure" closer?
But yeah, lovely atmosphere weaved from poignant descriptions and a good steady pace. It really leaves me wondering why they didn't stay together, and what was the story with the narrator's mother - I take it it wasn't her. so it sort of lives on past the end of the text too, having a life of its own, which is a good thing i think :) good luck in the WCC!
30sophiesixI like how you weave this whole story from the one picture. "And I could almost envision the scene playing out; one kiss on the cheek, one kiss on the neck and a grand finale on the lips " just lovely.
" It was a smell of cobwebs, dust, and the sadness of forgotten things" love that last part. great use of teh senses.
a couple of little things could be polished, to me, but they are minor. Most of the time you use 'then', i don't you need to. ie. "I then coughed violently " "I then began the arduous task" "He then led me up a ladder", "We then descended". i dunno, it started to sound a bit repetitive after a while? and i think those sentences would work fine without them, which might balance it up a bit?
You could maybe cut down on some of teh adverbs too, for instance you've got immediately four times.
The dialogue flowed well and really kept my attention, and the lack of speaker tags was really refreshing and helped that flow a lot.
for the grand majority, i think your sentences structures are nicely varied, but i did notice one particular structure repeating a little more often than i wanted. E.g. "The man had a shaved scalp and appeared", "He was topless and wore", "The light speared through the water and etched", "I lifted the gray tarp and a deep silence settled" etc. its only minor, but there you go.
only one potential spelling issue i noticed: "She touched my hand and drew me closure" closer?
But yeah, lovely atmosphere weaved from poignant descriptions and a good steady pace. It really leaves me wondering why they didn't stay together, and what was the story with the narrator's mother - I take it it wasn't her. so it sort of lives on past the end of the text too, having a life of its own, which is a good thing i think :) good luck in the WCC!
10/2/2010 c1 4lookingwest
I liked this a lot, probably because no one ever works with the prompt in such a literal way when it's a picture prompt. At first I wasn't sure I liked it, but then after I finished the whole thing I'm pretty sure you've won me over, haha. I like that you took the photograph and made it a work of art and added in a back story to it. The best part was really seeing the connections and I loved the riddles, I liked the last one the most-the part about the glass. The way that you were able to but dimension to just the photo is perfect-XD, I'm probably repeating that a million times but it's true, haha. As far as character I liked the first person, it flowed well, it was in depth and provided good characterization, especially between the relationship of our narrator and their father. You did a great job with the descriptions of the photo too, I thought you did it justice with describing it.
You definitley have to enter this into the WCC, and best of luck when you do, because it's very well written and has a good foundation of narrative that's familiar yet filled with a lot to interpret.
4lookingwestI liked this a lot, probably because no one ever works with the prompt in such a literal way when it's a picture prompt. At first I wasn't sure I liked it, but then after I finished the whole thing I'm pretty sure you've won me over, haha. I like that you took the photograph and made it a work of art and added in a back story to it. The best part was really seeing the connections and I loved the riddles, I liked the last one the most-the part about the glass. The way that you were able to but dimension to just the photo is perfect-XD, I'm probably repeating that a million times but it's true, haha. As far as character I liked the first person, it flowed well, it was in depth and provided good characterization, especially between the relationship of our narrator and their father. You did a great job with the descriptions of the photo too, I thought you did it justice with describing it.
You definitley have to enter this into the WCC, and best of luck when you do, because it's very well written and has a good foundation of narrative that's familiar yet filled with a lot to interpret.
10/1/2010 c1 8guppylove
This is wonderful.
I often stare at a jigsaw puzzle much the same way, in my case, envisioning a scene in motion. So I can say how much this reminded me of that experience.
You can almost see the picture through your description. I really like the different perspectives of the painting, first from the man and then the old woman.
8guppyloveThis is wonderful.
I often stare at a jigsaw puzzle much the same way, in my case, envisioning a scene in motion. So I can say how much this reminded me of that experience.
You can almost see the picture through your description. I really like the different perspectives of the painting, first from the man and then the old woman.