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1/19/2013 c1 blurredmirages
Romance incorporated into a well-written play equals a happy me.

The ending didn't seem to be very realistic, but I liked it anyways.
10/6/2010 c1 7One-Loving-Song
I like it.. Its really good.. nice work.
10/4/2010 c1 Punslinger
Instead of "Applause" I would end with a simple stage direction, such as: "Spotlight on embracing couple; slowly fade to black."

I like the concept and Jessie's play of emotions through her dialogue. But it seems more like a monologue, as if she is talking directly to the audience. Actors are supposed to appear unaware that their performances are being observed. One suggestion-add a third character, Jessie's best girlfriend in whom she confides her secret and dispair that Alex will never know how she feels about him. Finally the friend says: "Why don't you tell him? He's standing right behind you."

Jessis dies of embarrassment and Alex tenderly takes her in his arms.
10/3/2010 c1 1ScaryKittiesScareMe
First off, thank you for the pm :P this is me answering. i like what you have so far. it is pretty funny and certainly cute. I agree with the other reviews. I wonder about the length though. If you want this to be an on stage play then it might have to be a bit longer. Unless it's part of a series of short plays in which you contribute one of many. I like the flow, its really a good script and it made me laugh (in a good way). Im not sure about the ending. I think there should be more than just standing. I think maybe Alex should walk up to her when shes hiding her face ( is she hiding it in her hands?) and if she is hiding her face in her hands then he takes them away and holds them. Great Job!
10/3/2010 c1 82Solemn Coyote
Hi. I can't promise I'll be able to read and review anything with any kind of regularity, but I'm still happy to take a look at this. I don't particularly read a lot of romance (I treat it as honey. It can hugely improve some dishes, but by itself it's a little much,) but I do write it sometimes, and so hopefully my critiques will be useful. I've broken them down into numbered sections for convenience's sake.

1) I've done film scripts before, but never plays, so I'm not gonna be able to give a lot of feedback on the format. I'll concentrate instead on the characters and circumstance, since that's what romance inevitably hinges on: characters and circumstance. However, in your character descriptions there is something I want to draw attention to.

You describe Jessie and Alex largely in terms of their relationship with each other. Ideally, this is what your text should do. The point of having character descriptions is to give your reader a very brief sketch of what your cast is like without any tensions acting on them. Who is Jessie by herself? Who is Alex by himself? Try to dig a little deeper to the core of the characters, and maybe refine what you have here. It's not bad, but it could be perfect.

2) I like what you're doing with the lighting, using it to create a space that exists at least mostly in your character's head. This space would feel a lot stronger if you gave Jessie a little more time to develop before she created it. Maybe extend those first couple of sections a little bit more? It's a little unfortunate that you built a deadline into the plot (the 'either tell him now or never'), because that makes it a lot harder to take the time you need to really establish Jessie for the audience.

3) "Jessie: It was a dream…" this is already evident. Definitely have her react to it, but maybe not just by restating what she'd experienced. If I was her in that situation, I'd probably be howling out "damnit!" to an uncaring universe.

4) "Come on balloon. Don't you want me to find happiness?" this is an excellent line. definitely keep this. does need a comma after 'on', though.

5) "applause" probably doesn't belong as a stage direction. it either happens or it doesn't. probably the best thing to replace it with to signal the end is 'fin'

6) This is a good character study. Sweet, heartfelt, and it makes a valid point. It could possibly flesh out the characters a little more intensively, though. Especially Alex. He seems only to exist as an object for Jessie to desire. And I don't mean that as "she thinks of him as a posession," but his role in the story could largely be replaced by a very alluring potted plant. He's passive. He's the recipient of her affection, and when he acts at the end it's only because he's been acted upon. I realize Alex being a developed character may not be the point of this play, but it's something to be aware of.

Jessie is a developed character, and this is nice, but I do wish the play would dip into a little more of who she is than who she is vis a vis Alex. There's more character to her, I'm certain, than what she feels about one boy. This is-in my opinion, strictly-one of the major issues that romance and romantic writing can develop: people and characters who see themselves only in relation to the person they're interested in. It makes flatter characters of them, and characters are what drive a romance, so the overall result is less romantic.

I've been as critical as I can be with this review, so please don't take anything as condemning what you've written. I liked reading it. But I'm not sure how competitive the one-act submissions are, so I did my best to pick it apart. Hopefully this helps.


Good luck with the contest, btw. Let me know if you win?
10/2/2010 c1 6the flipr kid
I really liked it! It flowed really well...for a moment in the middle I thought it was kind of awkward, but then it turned out it was a dream and the awkwardness made sense and actually improved the story :)

I think you could add one or two more ways that Jessie tries to get his attention...and at the end, perhaps some motion or something that she does or says to show the audience that she doesn't know he's listening to her. And perhaps instead of falling to the ground (which could potentially be awkward...) he instead gasps or says something on impulse. Just so that the audience isn't confused.

It was a really sweet story, really well-written and engaging. I liked it a lot :D

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