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1/3/2011 c2 11Crystalynn
Hello, hello!

I won't lie, Scifi is definitely not my thing. I'm a hardcore Romance/Fantasy nut. I can enjoy some General and Young Adult as well, but SciFi is usually not on the menu.

However, seeing as you rock, I thought I'd stop by and take a look at what you've got going on.

I'm not sure if you're looking for critiques (and if you are, if you'd be happy getting one from me of all people) but I am certainly willing to share my thoughts, if you're open for suggestions!

Email me and let me know!

-Crys
1/3/2011 c4 GriLl0ws
I liked this chapter as well...I can see a spark between Alec and Meoldi beginning I love it :)...maybe a deadly romantic triangle with Zane is in the future? hehehe!

I love the plot, great lead up on the massacre, loved it :)

I know you said you might not update more (I think on this story haha) but you have left me wanting more :) so I hope you become inspired soon!

Thanks for the great chapter...I'm glad you liked mine as well :)...I think Scott and Sara together might just work...but I'm not completely sure haha!

B.
1/3/2011 c3 GriLl0ws
Great third chapter :) Love the story so far, and the character of Melodi is my fave :)

I see the differences between reading it the first tim you posted and this time and the improvement is defiantly noticeable :) great job! keep up the good work!

I love how her mom is her guardian angel :) thats so cute! I cannot wait to read more!

B.
12/30/2010 c3 Luxaurorae
it casts [cast] eerie shadows

I found it strange that the two men were so calm when the creepy lady asked them to listen to her story. Perhaps they could show some discomfort - looking at each other uncertainly before answering the woman, or have a small discussion to address what she was doing there, in the middle of nothing.

"But wow… seeing my mom was amazing. She died before I was old enough to have memories of her, and I really missed her. But I still had to wonder-what was up with that ball gown?"

I found the last line odd. In this paragraph, Melodi is so happy and so awed by her mother's visit that she shouldn't really care enough to wonder about her mom's gown (though it's valid the first time you pointed out...why should a nurse be in a gown?). The strange thing about the whole situation (in this paragraph) is seeing her at all. And you've already mentioned the strangeness of the gown once. It might just be a little redundant to mention it again. (In this case, it's not so much the frequency of mentioning the gown that makes it feel redundant, but it's that it seemed a little...forced? to put it there the second time. (Other people might disagree with me on that.) Maybe if you could find a better place somewhere else to mention it. Otherwise, I'd leave it out the second time.

I enjoyed it, but I was getting a little lost with the assignment. I don't remember if it was mentioned exactly what it was that Melodi had to do. If it was, you should bring it up again as a reminder. Slip it in the character' conversation or something. I think this is a really important point. How are we to care about this quest if we don't understand it?

I liked the addition you had with Alec inviting Melodi to his room. It was a perfect show of her obliviousness and her strictly business like demeanor. Alec now also has a identifiable personality, and when he's mentioned in the future, I'll be certain to remember him as the womanizer. I also liked the mystery of the mother and melodi's dream. Overall, it made more sense to me this time, maybe because I had read it before. And again, lovee the world building! Oh and the dragons. That was cool, but it didn't need a separate description unless you have an important role for them.

And great names! I always have trouble with that.
12/30/2010 c3 Link Hoshi
Hey, I'm back again from Fanfiction! Great to see you updated! I loved the part with Alec n.n he'll be a pain for Melodi later, I'm sure XD Can't wait for the next update, things are starting to roll here.
12/28/2010 c3 Punslinger
I think you made some good changes here. The story is moving more smoothly. Did Melodi's father help cure her of her wounds with his healing powers? I don't think you mentioned that.
12/19/2010 c2 Punslinger
Nice changes, setting us up for an explanation of the planet's technology. Keep up the good work.
12/19/2010 c2 GriLl0ws
Hey there!

I see you made some revisions to this chapter :) I love it, awesome job! I read this story...well the parts of this story you had on here before and I thought it was great! I cannot wait for more!

B.
12/15/2010 c5 Punslinger
I've just read Chapters 4 and 5 and found them as engrossing as the others. The story is moving along nicely, but some details bother me. For example, how could Melodi still have a dagger in her belt after she was searched and locked in a cell? And I'm still wondering about the source of electrical power for the lamps and electronic equipment.
12/14/2010 c3 Punslinger
You continue to hold reader interest with fascinating bits of information about your characters and the situation the find themselves in. But I'm a little confused about the technology of this world. I had thought that the weapons were at the stage of swords, spears, etc. But Zane has a gun. And the temple has torches for light, yet "...it felt as if someone had left the fans running..." indicates electricity.

Maybe you will explain these seeming anachronisms in following chapters.
12/13/2010 c2 Punslinger
A very good chapter. It moves the story along nicely while introducing new characters. I saw one mistake in the third from last paragraph: "...but that was when he was bring them back himself."
12/11/2010 c1 Punslinger
A very good opening chapter. Smooth narration and well-drawn characters, with a cliffhanger ending to hold reader interest. You do a fine job of creating the eerie yet familiar other-worldly atmosphere that's essential to good fantasy.

My only complaint is that you used so much wordage on background details in the first third or so of the chapter that the pace of the action dragged. Maybe you could move the story more briskly and insert those details along the way. And I saw no reason for mixing past and present tenses in the first few paragraphs.

But overall, very well done. Keep up the good work, and I'll review the next chapters as time permits.
11/20/2010 c5 GriLl0ws
I love this story, I'm not very good at writing sci-fi so when I read it I always get emersed int he plot lines.

Your characters are awesome, the story line is good it's full of action and your use of suspense is awesome...I love how she has a connection to her mother when Melodi was recovering from her attack, I think that is awesome because it makes you think if she was just dreaming it, or if she was really with her mother.

Anyways, I hope you update this story soon I would love to read more! Thanks againf ro reading my stories I do appreciate it :o)

B.
10/21/2010 c4 4LuxAurorae
Great cliffhanger. The plot is moving along quickly like always.

I'd just like more details about the surroundings. For example, I really liked the description of the base. Bringing in some character descriptions occasionally can remind us who the characters are. Also, getting deeper into the conflict could help the reader feel more immersed in the story. What are the personal stakes? Why is all the political stuff important? How could Melodi's world change if one side defeated the other? Getting more into Melodi's head (her emotions about the whole thing) could help too.

We're placed right in the middle of all of this happening, but what's the direction? As in, if you had to summarize the entire story in one or two sentences, what would it be? (If you come up with a sentence, this can focus your story to one central story line.)
10/13/2010 c3 LuxAurorae
I enjoyed the specific details you included about the world in the second paragraph.

This moved along really fast and there was just a bit of confusion in one part. Why are they going to the temple? Melodi says it's because that's where the ceremony takes place, but what's the significance of the ceremony to them? Why do they have to go to where the ceremony is?

The conversation with Zane feels a little rushed as well. His introduction is fine, but as they continue talking, I would have liked to see more details. Are they walking together? Are there any gestures? What's going on around them? But most of it, I'd expect Melodi to question his presence more, instead of just letting him follow her. She works as a bounty hunter, and with a huge political group...shouldn't she be less prone to trusting a complete stranger? Esp since he happens to be the only one in a completely empty town? The thought that he might be the killer should cross her mind, as it does for the reader. And you can have them talk it through until Melodi trusts him enough to allow him to follow her.

Aside from that, the pacing is fine. I think it only feels rushed because Melodi doesn't question him, and because we don't quite understand the significance of the things going on. Take some time to flush those things out.
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