Just In

10/28/2010 c1 13gigglebug
erm... I'm not really sure what to make of all your tenses and narrator. take the first two sentences, for example. first one pretty much tells the reader that the event has already passed. second one then flips into present like it hasn't happened yet. this happens a lot in this chapter, and it's distracting. pick one and stick with it! :)

I feel like there's a lot of "telling" in this, too. sometimes it's needed, but in the case of the info about her father, it's just dropped in there with no real point (at this time in the narrative). first chapters are to introduce the conflict, you can explore depth of her family later.

if she's wearing a zillion shirts, the glass would have to be pretty ridiculous to get through all that, correct? forget the glass, she'd probably have broken bones and what have you to worry about.

they left her on life support for ten years? her family would have to be SUPER wealthy to keep *that* up. holy cow. that's a LOT of money. insurance would eventually run out and they'd have to pay out of their pockets - not to mention, once everybody left wouldn't they unplug her too? yikes, yikes. I like the initial idea, but realistically, it just doesn't work.

sounds like this could get pretty tricky pretty fast. g'luck with all of it!
10/26/2010 c2 9babyred1995
Nice Chapter! Good job girls :) Cant wait to read more

10/25/2010 c2 1Racer283
Pretty good chapter can't wait to read more of it. I wonder what will happen and how will they meet up with each other. Keep up the good work.
10/25/2010 c1 1Eiya Weathes
First of all, the introduction of the story is really attracting. It pulls readers in.

Secondly, well to be honest, I was a bit confused at first by the switching of tenses. It would be better if you stick to one. (Believe me on this one, I got reviewers telling me this.) If it happened in the past, maybe you can use a flashback instead? :)

Thirdly and lastly, it's striking and intriguing. Surely, many would want to read this story. I'm talking about potential and awesomeness. :)

- Amethyst Penn

This review is sponsored by the Roadhouse and the story, "Of the Hot and of the Random".
10/24/2010 c1 11berley
“…except both of them were MIA…”

- Hmm. I just don’t feel that using the expression MIA works here. I would word it so it wasn’t an abbreviation. Just my opinion.

“A shiver racked her body and she fell to the ground.”

- I liked that line and the use of the work racked.

So I liked the second part better then the introduction. I felt the first section of this chapter was a bit choppy and needed work with it’s style. It was just a bit choppy and the descriptions needed some work. As for the second part, I liked it better, especially the first paragraph, but I feel it still needs some work as well.

Zombie stories are always really cool, but this one sounds like it is going to be similar to a lot of stories I have heard before. Someone wakes up from a coma and is in the hospital and everyone is gone. They can mysteriously get up and walk around even though they have been in a coma for a really long time and they have to find out what happened yadda yadda yadda.

I’m not trying to be mean, but I think that you could do more with this story since there is so much to work with when it comes to zombies. I have no read your future chapters, maybe you have already, but from what I have read I see that it has potential, but there is nothing so far that has really got me hooked and want to read more.
10/23/2010 c1 6JustAnotherNewbie
RG-Easy Fix

I really liked the descriptions of Hannah's life in the beginning, because it gave me a picture of who she is, without going into too much detail.

I didn't like the way you switched between tenses, going from past to present, because that spoils the continuity.
10/23/2010 c1 9babyred1995
This is a very intruiging story! It is interesting that one normal day can change Hannah's life forever. And theat she hasnt aged past 17 even though it hs ben 20 years. Very interesting! Cant wait to see where this is going!

Gr8 work! :D
10/22/2010 c1 45kneat
Wow, way to pull me into the story!

Hannah didn't expect to die so early... well, I didn't think she would either! I was really excited to read on, and was really pleased by what I read!

I like how you gave away information piece by piece, fitting in with the story... first about her dad, then the car crash with her mom...

The comparison between her brother and a dog was great!

I did spot a few tense mistakes, to nitpick- for example "They both loved him anyway" should be "love", because the rest of the story is in present-tense.

I really like the voice in your writing, and the scene where she was actually hit was intense!

One last key point was the note from Julia- totally suspenseful. I don't usually go for the zombie apocalypse story, but madam, this chapter may have changed my mind!

I look forward to the next~

~Kneat (from the Roadhouse)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service