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11/26/2012 c1 16RisanF
On The Cafeteria forum, you said you'd return reviews of "Bound." I'll give it a shot, if you're still doing this.

Anyway, the story's pretty good so far. The prose reads smoothly, and there's some good dramatic turns of phrase. So far, Annaleigh's a bit of a generic female protagonist, which isn't necessarily bad, but she'll need to be around some more dynamic personalities in order to shine; it's the general rule of the "everygirl" character. I would also like to know more about Elaine, or some more precise details of Annaleigh's living situation (Elaine's the caretaker of the orphanage, right?)

I have a few comments about this line: "Despite having a terrible past, she's the most happy-go-lucky person alive, despite her sarcastic rudeness and blunt nature." I can sorta tell what kind of character you're trying to describe, but sarcasm and bluntness doesn't really fit the bill for "happy-go-lucky". I also wouldn't use the word "despite" twice in the same sentence like this.

Anyways, good so far, and I'd really like it if you could check out [b]Different and Cool[/b], please. I've included details at your original topic on The Cafeteria.
10/14/2012 c11 10Daisy02
OMYGOSH, I think I'll die before the next chapter, there are so many things I want to say. The emotion is perfect and the way you had them all meet up, and this ending, it'/s killing me. Beautiful writing and it is very well developed and put together, I swear my own feelings about my family got wrenched up from reading this. AWESOME.
10/7/2012 c11 1DorkPhoenix
As always, great chapter Phoenix. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes (I wonder why?...) and that is great! I love the story and you are a horrible, horrible person for leaving a cliffhanger. You better update on Tuesday, or I will come to your house and go all Misery on you ;) What are best friends for? :D Anyways, keep up the good work and I can't wait to read another chapter!
9/11/2012 c10 13Dorkfishe97
As always, this was amazing! I look forward to the next chapter! I will keep on your butt if you get on mine to write ;) Great job!
5/6/2012 c9 Dorkfishe97
Awe thanks for that lovely advertisment Merc! Glad to know that someone out there loves me! I really loved this chapter. when I read this story, I feel like I'm inside of the characters' brains... Does that sound creepy or what? The way you describe everything is amazing, as always and I just love your style of writing.

I love that you don't bounce around everywhere or jump from topic to topic. I personally find it confusing when people do this and I am so glad that you don't have ADOS!, so great job on that.

The only thing is that I found a few grammatical errors that I am sure I had edited out, so what's the deal with that? I know that you said that there was something wrong with the format on your email, so we are going to need to find a way to work that out.

As you already know, I love this story! I just wish you could get your chapters out sooner! I know how little time we both have, with school and all (I should say band), but I promise I'll keep you motivated if you do the same for me! Lot's of Love -Fish
1/19/2012 c7 Dorkfishe97
Merc, I need the next chapter ASAP! If you loved this fish you would hurry up and write it! I know you have been working on it... I watch you do it in Geo! The anticipation in driving me insane! I just thought you would want to know that you are loved and that your story is awesome!

1/10/2012 c6 Dorkfishe97
Good job so far W! I love it! :)
1/5/2012 c2 7BipolarUnicornMonster
I like it.

It's as simple as that. Reminds me a bit of Ellen Hopkins 'Impulse'. You ever read it?

Anyway, I love the story, looks like it's been a while since you updated, so I'm not sure if this story is on hiatus, but I sure hope not. I'll finish the story tommorow. I don't have time tonight.

Thanks for posting.

~Bi-Polar Doom~
12/6/2011 c1 7percussionist5
It's a really good chapter, I can imagine everything that's happening. I won't be going on though because I'm more of a happy/maybe a little sad story person. Idk, suicide makes me shudder. Anyway, keep writing and if you want, check out my stories. Just FYI, if you do, please cut me some slack, I may make a mistake here and there.
10/28/2011 c1 6Beautility
It's going to take a while to pick through each of these, but I'll do my best.

So far, so good. Annaleigh's POV gives the basics of two main characters along with a fairly solid introduction. The paragraph after the note seems a bit excessive on detail, but it is presented in a way that acknowledges the possibility of redundancy. I'll let it slide.

Should be getting to the next chapter soon. Curious as to see Oakley's thoughts.
6/4/2011 c3 freedomofsketch
I am really loving this story and hope you continue with it. It has a great deal of potential and you're an amazing writer. There are a few criticisms I have, however, especially regarding Chapter 3.

First, was Mick's phone in his sweatshirt pocket? Because if it were in his jeans pocket, it would have been ruined in the water. Might want to specify this.

Just a small typo I noticed: "The male operator proceeds to ask me basic things, like our location, for instance. I answer all her questions calmly." If the operator is male, why does it say "I answer all HER questions calmly"?

You frequently write about things being clear or obvious ("Obviously, this is her school ID"). It'll be obvious to the reader; just write that it's her school ID.

"female Caucasian EMT" -It's cool that you're being descriptive, but it sounds very scientific when written this way, like you're writing a research paper. A better way to write this might be, "The female EMT's pale skin glowed in the sunlight." Revealing information this way is more appropriate for a novel.

Mick just saw this girl jump off a bridge. He dove in and rescued her and she's in critical condition. Why does he care so much about her belongings? You could add some drama to make the story more exciting by writing about him trying to resuscitate her or something. And he thinks she's pretty, right? What if he gives her mouth-to-mouth? You could hint that he's kissing her while trying to save her life. ;)

"You've most likely already picked up on the fact that my mom works here as a nurse"-not needed. You've mentioned her being a nurse already. The reader is definitely aware of this.

I think my biggest criticism would have to be how Mick handles the news of his mom's shooting. I highly doubt he would be going back to his place and joking around with Emily. He'd likely be flipping out at the hospital, in a complete panic. I do like how he goes to the club to drink. It shows that he has some underlying issues and those kinds of problems definitely worsen when a person's under stress. Just be sure to go back to this further on in the story; readers are going to want to know why Mick has a fake ID and drinks at the age of 17.

I think it's pretty unrealistic of Mick's mom to call him back fifteen minutes after surgery. In fact, it doesn't even seem like a lot of time passes between him hearing about her shooting and her calling him. The trauma prep, tests, and the surgery would probably take hours. And speaking from someone who has had more than one major surgery, there's no way you could talk on a phone 15 minutes after coming out of the OR; they'd still be checking your vitals and you'd be really drugged. You might want to have a staff member call Mick to tell him his mom's out of surgery.

When the police find Mick after he tries to hang himself, their first priority would not be to question him. They'd immediately check his pulse and level of consciousness (police have some medical training similar to EMTs). They'd radio for an ambulance right away, and THEN start searching for ID.

So mostly the story's issues are with realism. What you have so far is fantastic and I'm going to keep checking back for updates. Your dialog is very believable, and I loved this: "blue asterisk-and-caduceus symbol". You're in high school, right? Haha, I'm in college and I had to Google "caduceus". And that will help me a lot with my own work because I've been forever trying to find out what that's called, so thank you. The whole symbol of the caduceus inside the asterisk is known as the "Star of Life", just in case you'd like to know.

Sorry, that's a huge review. Keep up the writing!
6/4/2011 c1 Jane
Nice story; the plot sounds similar to the book "Crash into me" by Albert Borris
6/4/2011 c5 3Jessky - JK
Well, they were all quite amazng in their own way and I like the way you've connected them all together in your own littl way.

Good writing, it was a joy to read.

I do however want to find out more :D
4/24/2011 c3 6ObliviousLady
Curiosity is overwhelming. I wonder if you have an idea of how long this story will be.
4/24/2011 c1 ObliviousLady
The ending is really powerful. I love your description of pain and comfort. Beautiful.
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