Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for City In Snow

10/27/2010 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
[RG - Poems - Easy Fix]

Your haiku, as a unit, is ALMOST perfect. I see nature's picture, which is what a haiku is intended to convey. You span the snowy canvas with great skill.

However, the last line seems out of place, especially considering your use of verb "sheath". That is a darker verb, one that carries an undertone of violence that has just been done upon someone or something. On that note, your last line is... too peaceful, I think. When your poem is only twelve words long, every single word has to count, you know what I'm saying?

If you want to read a haiku that really does a good job at what it intends to do, you should look at one of these two: Sercus Kaynine's "The Weeping Willow" or Faithless Juliet's "Sechs Tänze" (that means "Six Dances", by the way). I also have one titled "4Li plus O2 yields 2Li2O" which I think is pretty good. I'm pretty sure that the other two are better, though! This is pretty good stuff, nonetheless.

Keep up the good work!

-thewhimsicalbard
10/25/2010 c1 169MallowsWins
I've always loved reading poetry about snow because where I live it never snows. I liked how this conveyed an image of a city that is all but deserted, it had a very desolate kind of feel to it. Great work.
10/24/2010 c1 115Random-Idiocity
Nice haiku. Brings back lots of memories from towns I grew up in that had snow. Keep it Up!
10/24/2010 c1 salt pillar
A nice little descriptive piece. It was a good break from heavily symbolic poems I've been reading lately...

Even though there's so few words, you've successfully overcome the challenge of describing your scene accurately, I can really picture that in my mind.

Excellent work.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service