for Penumbrae10/1/2012 c46 DutchAver
I loved the start of this chapter. It's essentially a rewrite of the prologue and the conversation is exactly the same, but we look at it from a wholly different perspective and the description is completely different. That was very, very clever. And I have a fondness for very, very clever.
What did Eidan do to save them all, though? Did he kill the entire kingdom of Marniolle just to save Jenna? Not sure what to think of him now - the darkness has taken over completely, it seems, and I have the same questions as Jenna. Is Eidan still Eidan after all?
The ending is very evil, though not as evil as the last time. (Eidan, what are you doing, Eidan, stahp... I couldn't resist, sorry) Update soon!
I loved the start of this chapter. It's essentially a rewrite of the prologue and the conversation is exactly the same, but we look at it from a wholly different perspective and the description is completely different. That was very, very clever. And I have a fondness for very, very clever.
What did Eidan do to save them all, though? Did he kill the entire kingdom of Marniolle just to save Jenna? Not sure what to think of him now - the darkness has taken over completely, it seems, and I have the same questions as Jenna. Is Eidan still Eidan after all?
The ending is very evil, though not as evil as the last time. (Eidan, what are you doing, Eidan, stahp... I couldn't resist, sorry) Update soon!
9/30/2012 c1 
19Anihyr Moonstar
[The sky was empty, a void of nothing staring back at her.] By the time you get to this point in the paragraph, we know this. You've said it already in a couple ways, and it feels redundant.
I was a little iffy about the opening - nice description, but it seemed like a fairly cliched start (girl looking out into space and sighing at how depressed she is). As soon as I figured out she was tied to a post, though, and not alone, the pace certainly picked up and you caught my interest. It was a shift away from the cliche and a nice nab to make me wonder how they ended up there and who, precisely, she's with.
And bam! Nice hook ending, too. I certainly wonder how they will get out of this, and I like what I've seen of their relationship so far. Good friends, childhood history, but obviously some twisting emotions in there that run deeper than friendship at some level. I look forward to seeing how this progresses. :)
- Moonstar (Found you through Roadhouse.)
19Anihyr Moonstar[The sky was empty, a void of nothing staring back at her.] By the time you get to this point in the paragraph, we know this. You've said it already in a couple ways, and it feels redundant.
I was a little iffy about the opening - nice description, but it seemed like a fairly cliched start (girl looking out into space and sighing at how depressed she is). As soon as I figured out she was tied to a post, though, and not alone, the pace certainly picked up and you caught my interest. It was a shift away from the cliche and a nice nab to make me wonder how they ended up there and who, precisely, she's with.
And bam! Nice hook ending, too. I certainly wonder how they will get out of this, and I like what I've seen of their relationship so far. Good friends, childhood history, but obviously some twisting emotions in there that run deeper than friendship at some level. I look forward to seeing how this progresses. :)
- Moonstar (Found you through Roadhouse.)
9/30/2012 c35 1illusionae
I'm not sure I like Ethel that much. She's the one that I'm most suspicious of because she just gives off this antagonistic feel about her. But I did feel really sorry for Grace, I can't believe Eidan has to kill her for the curse to end!
1illusionaeI'm not sure I like Ethel that much. She's the one that I'm most suspicious of because she just gives off this antagonistic feel about her. But I did feel really sorry for Grace, I can't believe Eidan has to kill her for the curse to end!
9/30/2012 c34 illusionae
Aaaw, you can tell Eidan really cares for Jenna here. The way he was panicking about the thought of her dying was just so sad and adorable at the same time (
Aaaw, you can tell Eidan really cares for Jenna here. The way he was panicking about the thought of her dying was just so sad and adorable at the same time (
9/30/2012 c46 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Hello!
I really like this being told from Eidan’s POV. On the outside, this scene is exciting, yet it works so well with Eidan’s thoughts, it just adds another dimension to the whole scene. You described his anger and Jenna’s feelings through his observations. He truly does make us hate Lucan and sympathsize with them as he speaks. I can just imagine Jenna, and it’s so sad. :(
Wow, first the intensity of the darkness taking over, and then Jenna kind of losing it. Yes, Jenna, this is a wonderful time to call Eidan by “love.” XD
That scene with Eidan killing everyone. I thought it was a great decision to tell it from Jenna’s POV first. It really added another dimension where we’re clueless like Jenna and then everything just comes together. I particularly loved the imagery of Eidan clawing onto the tree with the blood covering him. It truly did show what he was going through, and I think the image would’ve been terrifying to see, yet I still felt bad for Eidan.
Excellent chapter and coming from the queen of cliffhangers, I understand. It simply must be done. XD
I’m sorry this review is a little short. I would say more, but you know how much I love this story, so these are mere extra observations at this point.
3thenutrunningthenuthouseHello!
I really like this being told from Eidan’s POV. On the outside, this scene is exciting, yet it works so well with Eidan’s thoughts, it just adds another dimension to the whole scene. You described his anger and Jenna’s feelings through his observations. He truly does make us hate Lucan and sympathsize with them as he speaks. I can just imagine Jenna, and it’s so sad. :(
Wow, first the intensity of the darkness taking over, and then Jenna kind of losing it. Yes, Jenna, this is a wonderful time to call Eidan by “love.” XD
That scene with Eidan killing everyone. I thought it was a great decision to tell it from Jenna’s POV first. It really added another dimension where we’re clueless like Jenna and then everything just comes together. I particularly loved the imagery of Eidan clawing onto the tree with the blood covering him. It truly did show what he was going through, and I think the image would’ve been terrifying to see, yet I still felt bad for Eidan.
Excellent chapter and coming from the queen of cliffhangers, I understand. It simply must be done. XD
I’m sorry this review is a little short. I would say more, but you know how much I love this story, so these are mere extra observations at this point.
9/30/2012 c1 15ShapedByTheTruth
Great prologue! I really like the tension, and how you've given just enough hints to make the reader want to read more to find out how the characters ended up in that situation. Very interesting start.
15ShapedByTheTruthGreat prologue! I really like the tension, and how you've given just enough hints to make the reader want to read more to find out how the characters ended up in that situation. Very interesting start.
9/30/2012 c46 11trilby94
Oh my goodness this story is so intense! I've said it before but I would honestly buy it. Amazing. You are never overly gooey or too gruesome but always maintain a great balance between action and emotion. It's so exciting to read - you're doing a really great job :)
11trilby94Oh my goodness this story is so intense! I've said it before but I would honestly buy it. Amazing. You are never overly gooey or too gruesome but always maintain a great balance between action and emotion. It's so exciting to read - you're doing a really great job :)
9/29/2012 c46 Vernelley
Okay so login isn't working properly again. /throws laptop out the window
Well to be honest it's really only the last part that made it interesting; since the first part was basically the prologue all over again, with names and some extra thoughts added. The only really new information was Eidan's side of things, about the darkness that's overtaking him and so on, so I felt that that was the only important thing in the whole first part.
I really like how you described Jenna's feelings of panic; the descriptions are very vivid and realistic, especially the physical aspects, like the trembling, scrambling, tripping etc.
Okay so Eidan's lost the plot because of the darkness. I'm guessing the italics may be hinting at what may happen between him and Jenna later... You did mention something like that would happen... Okay but seriously he's being really creepy right now.
And I wonder what's going on with Lucan now? Is he back to normal yet or no... I'm just thinking, maybe since Eidan's gone a bit loopy, maybe perfect Lucan is back, or maybe we just have twice as many psychopaths running around in the story now.. :'D
So yeah cliffhanger at the end but to be honest I'm more curious about what's up with Lucan... XD
Okay so login isn't working properly again. /throws laptop out the window
Well to be honest it's really only the last part that made it interesting; since the first part was basically the prologue all over again, with names and some extra thoughts added. The only really new information was Eidan's side of things, about the darkness that's overtaking him and so on, so I felt that that was the only important thing in the whole first part.
I really like how you described Jenna's feelings of panic; the descriptions are very vivid and realistic, especially the physical aspects, like the trembling, scrambling, tripping etc.
Okay so Eidan's lost the plot because of the darkness. I'm guessing the italics may be hinting at what may happen between him and Jenna later... You did mention something like that would happen... Okay but seriously he's being really creepy right now.
And I wonder what's going on with Lucan now? Is he back to normal yet or no... I'm just thinking, maybe since Eidan's gone a bit loopy, maybe perfect Lucan is back, or maybe we just have twice as many psychopaths running around in the story now.. :'D
So yeah cliffhanger at the end but to be honest I'm more curious about what's up with Lucan... XD
9/29/2012 c46 findings
This chapter literally had me shaking, the death of the people were pure perfection. Sorry if I sound weird, it was just described really well! I loved how Eidan was thinking of Jenna the whole time they were tied up. I LOVE CLIFFHANGERS! With the one you left, I feel all jumpy and tingly. I have a feeling Eidan's going to ra_pe_ Jenna, which will definitely mess with her emotions.
Til' your next update, farewell beautiful!
This chapter literally had me shaking, the death of the people were pure perfection. Sorry if I sound weird, it was just described really well! I loved how Eidan was thinking of Jenna the whole time they were tied up. I LOVE CLIFFHANGERS! With the one you left, I feel all jumpy and tingly. I have a feeling Eidan's going to ra_pe_ Jenna, which will definitely mess with her emotions.
Til' your next update, farewell beautiful!
9/6/2012 c45 CharilMZ
Wow, there have been a lot of comments added since the last review I left- *reads the rest* OH THAT'S WHY.
oh my godddddddddddd I'm already in withdrawals. I want to click the next button and it's NOT THERE.
I actually cried at Jenna and Eidan's love confession wtf. Just the whole situation you crafted around it was so emotional *sob* It's just mindblowing how realistic your characters feel.
Annnnnnnd I never forgot about the prologue :D I've (mostly) been reading this from a bookmark on my phone, so every time I opened it, it opened to the prologue, so I kinda cheated haha. And then as soon as Lucan mentioned that ceremony to Grace, warning bells went off in my head.
Speaking of, I LOVE what you've done with Lucan's character. It's so tragic what he's become! Tragic in a good way. Tragedy is always good!
I love your story. Now I get to wait for updates like everyone else :D
Wow, there have been a lot of comments added since the last review I left- *reads the rest* OH THAT'S WHY.
oh my godddddddddddd I'm already in withdrawals. I want to click the next button and it's NOT THERE.
I actually cried at Jenna and Eidan's love confession wtf. Just the whole situation you crafted around it was so emotional *sob* It's just mindblowing how realistic your characters feel.
Annnnnnnd I never forgot about the prologue :D I've (mostly) been reading this from a bookmark on my phone, so every time I opened it, it opened to the prologue, so I kinda cheated haha. And then as soon as Lucan mentioned that ceremony to Grace, warning bells went off in my head.
Speaking of, I LOVE what you've done with Lucan's character. It's so tragic what he's become! Tragic in a good way. Tragedy is always good!
I love your story. Now I get to wait for updates like everyone else :D
9/2/2012 c19 1Marc Reid
- One thing I can't remember if I've complimented you on up to this point is your flow. More so you manage to contain things so well while keeping the pace of story going nicely so that doesn't feel bogged down at all.
- Glad to see everything in Light Kingdom brought up again and having an affect on things
- Her eyes averted away. "Oh." She felt that that wasn't such a good response but truthfully, she really didn't know. That had been ages ago – like a lifetime, maybe – and she had already forgotten about it.
With this part here, you may want to break the "Oh." and start of next sentence into new paragraph. The reason because as it is now, the "Oh" gets buried between everything else while if it just ended there, especially after the build up of averting eyes away, has much stronger effect.
- Liking how this is the opening to the new arc here really. It feels like a nice bridge between things and perfect time to continue working on character relations here.
- Sweet moment with her comforting him during his feelings of angst over whole monster thing. Again, I have to compliment how well you've built things up with them and the balance their relationship pretty much has.
- Do like whole kingdom contrast and all going on there. Plus fact Eidan is able to help out with some of the information, all being passed around, etc. Again, you've crafted a remarkable universe here. And trust me when I say when it comes to storytelling, I am not the easiest customer to win over.
- REALLY like the ending poem on this one, especially since it has a vibe that something bad is going to come soon enough.
1Marc Reid- One thing I can't remember if I've complimented you on up to this point is your flow. More so you manage to contain things so well while keeping the pace of story going nicely so that doesn't feel bogged down at all.
- Glad to see everything in Light Kingdom brought up again and having an affect on things
- Her eyes averted away. "Oh." She felt that that wasn't such a good response but truthfully, she really didn't know. That had been ages ago – like a lifetime, maybe – and she had already forgotten about it.
With this part here, you may want to break the "Oh." and start of next sentence into new paragraph. The reason because as it is now, the "Oh" gets buried between everything else while if it just ended there, especially after the build up of averting eyes away, has much stronger effect.
- Liking how this is the opening to the new arc here really. It feels like a nice bridge between things and perfect time to continue working on character relations here.
- Sweet moment with her comforting him during his feelings of angst over whole monster thing. Again, I have to compliment how well you've built things up with them and the balance their relationship pretty much has.
- Do like whole kingdom contrast and all going on there. Plus fact Eidan is able to help out with some of the information, all being passed around, etc. Again, you've crafted a remarkable universe here. And trust me when I say when it comes to storytelling, I am not the easiest customer to win over.
- REALLY like the ending poem on this one, especially since it has a vibe that something bad is going to come soon enough.
9/2/2012 c25 99Dreamers-Requiem
I like the way you're portraying Jenna's state of mind here. It's done subtly, but in a way you can see there's something else trying to break through. I liked the ending, with Caelum and Celeste, as it shows their relationship a little more. With both of them, I think it's clear throughout that whatever Caelum says, he does want to protect Celeste/Jenna, and you can see the same with Celeste here. Good chapter, but I did kind of miss Zeph.
99Dreamers-RequiemI like the way you're portraying Jenna's state of mind here. It's done subtly, but in a way you can see there's something else trying to break through. I liked the ending, with Caelum and Celeste, as it shows their relationship a little more. With both of them, I think it's clear throughout that whatever Caelum says, he does want to protect Celeste/Jenna, and you can see the same with Celeste here. Good chapter, but I did kind of miss Zeph.
8/27/2012 c3 1Loraine Wentworth
I like the back story you give here. I think this is also a good place for it- a few things about Eiden and his personality are known from the previous chapter so it makes it really interesting to find out about his background now.
I also like the way you write him as a child, it shows the contrast to him when he's grown up. Sometimes children are written very badly in fantasy but his character and reactions here are very believable.
The mystery works very well here too. You give away enough hints to make it mysterious and intriguing, but not too much information to slow it down.
1Loraine WentworthI like the back story you give here. I think this is also a good place for it- a few things about Eiden and his personality are known from the previous chapter so it makes it really interesting to find out about his background now.
I also like the way you write him as a child, it shows the contrast to him when he's grown up. Sometimes children are written very badly in fantasy but his character and reactions here are very believable.
The mystery works very well here too. You give away enough hints to make it mysterious and intriguing, but not too much information to slow it down.
8/24/2012 c45 DutchAver
Wha... who... *speechless* You clever, clever girl. You bloody genius. I had completely forgotten about the prologue, but now the whole story comes together again and the next chapter will probably be a lot like the prologue. I am very, very much impressed.
Jenna and Eidan confessing their love to one another while they get attacked by darts and arrows was funny, yet in light of what happens later, also sad. It seemed a bit like it was their final confession before they're going to die. Still, Jenna's childishness was very funny and how she seemed to refuse to run unless Eidan told her he responded her feelings.
Where are Caelum and Celeste going to be while Jenna and Eidan are burnt? And what about Zeph and Mana - do they have something else to do or are THEY going to be the ones to save Jenna and Eidan from their imminent death? Are they going to survive at all? The prologue seems to imply otherwise - but then, how can Ethel break the curse? And how can you finish this story at sixty-something chapters?
SOOOO many questions. I keep repeating myself whenever I read your story, it seems. I have one mistake:
' She found that she couldn't breath' you mean breathE?
Remember what I said when you first killed off Jenna and Eidan? I'm just going to repeat that. UPDATE SOON. VERY SOON. (Please.)
Wha... who... *speechless* You clever, clever girl. You bloody genius. I had completely forgotten about the prologue, but now the whole story comes together again and the next chapter will probably be a lot like the prologue. I am very, very much impressed.
Jenna and Eidan confessing their love to one another while they get attacked by darts and arrows was funny, yet in light of what happens later, also sad. It seemed a bit like it was their final confession before they're going to die. Still, Jenna's childishness was very funny and how she seemed to refuse to run unless Eidan told her he responded her feelings.
Where are Caelum and Celeste going to be while Jenna and Eidan are burnt? And what about Zeph and Mana - do they have something else to do or are THEY going to be the ones to save Jenna and Eidan from their imminent death? Are they going to survive at all? The prologue seems to imply otherwise - but then, how can Ethel break the curse? And how can you finish this story at sixty-something chapters?
SOOOO many questions. I keep repeating myself whenever I read your story, it seems. I have one mistake:
' She found that she couldn't breath' you mean breathE?
Remember what I said when you first killed off Jenna and Eidan? I'm just going to repeat that. UPDATE SOON. VERY SOON. (Please.)
8/23/2012 c44 DutchAver
It's still difficult to piece together all the pieces of information you give us about the curse - but I think I've gotten the gist of it. I think. However, every time I think I know everything about the curse, you introduce yet another set of information. Ophelia hating Celeste because she killed Aphyron? I do believe that that's new information. The flashback was, therefore, really sad - I felt sorry for Celeste and Ophelia changing so much, seeing as they were such good friends at first.
Ophelia and Aphyron are more than just good friends, right? It does seem that way, and it seems to be the same way with Celeste and Zeph.
Celeste... revived Zeph in the Air Kingdom, right? Sorry, my memory seems to fail me. That was when he was killed by Grace, I believe? It does feel a bit cheap to get Zeph out of the curse after so much build-up and worrying if he was going to make it, though that might be just me.
I love Zeph's characterization. As you're female, I'm impressed with you well you wrote down a man like that. And Mana's character development in this chapter was awesome, too. Is she going to save both kingdoms after all?
I discovered one mistake:
'They were now in large, circular room.' you mean in A large...?
See you later :)
It's still difficult to piece together all the pieces of information you give us about the curse - but I think I've gotten the gist of it. I think. However, every time I think I know everything about the curse, you introduce yet another set of information. Ophelia hating Celeste because she killed Aphyron? I do believe that that's new information. The flashback was, therefore, really sad - I felt sorry for Celeste and Ophelia changing so much, seeing as they were such good friends at first.
Ophelia and Aphyron are more than just good friends, right? It does seem that way, and it seems to be the same way with Celeste and Zeph.
Celeste... revived Zeph in the Air Kingdom, right? Sorry, my memory seems to fail me. That was when he was killed by Grace, I believe? It does feel a bit cheap to get Zeph out of the curse after so much build-up and worrying if he was going to make it, though that might be just me.
I love Zeph's characterization. As you're female, I'm impressed with you well you wrote down a man like that. And Mana's character development in this chapter was awesome, too. Is she going to save both kingdoms after all?
I discovered one mistake:
'They were now in large, circular room.' you mean in A large...?
See you later :)