for Penumbrae8/22/2012 c45 
2CieloRayn
This was a very intense chapter lol. I loved that eidan and jenna finally admitted their feelings after the many kisses they had shared P. I can't wait for the next update lol ).
2CieloRaynThis was a very intense chapter lol. I loved that eidan and jenna finally admitted their feelings after the many kisses they had shared P. I can't wait for the next update lol ).
8/22/2012 c43 DutchAver
Once again, you place a very paranoid atmosphere in the chapter, making me feel fairly queasy. And I love it. Lucan wasn't OOC at all - if my mother and sister would be killed in one day, I think I would react in the same way.
But still... what? Lacie is dead? o_o Did she commit suicide, or did someone kill her? Did she kill her mother? Or did she know that her mother had to be killed for some reason? I think it was the latter, and the knowledge of everything - including the curse - drove her to this.
Which leaves me with my next question. Why does she know so much, and who is 'they'? I think I can safely assume that Lacie meant the gods. Or, Ethel is together with someone else, working on the ending of the curse at all costs - or maybe it's Morgan and Gwen. Gwaah, so many options, yet I'm going for the first one. For now.
And my next question is, who killed Lucan's and Lacie's mother? I think Ethel has something to do with this. To quote Morgan, 'she is the enemy'. Did she kill her, and if so, why?
And the last question - where did the darkness come from? Maybe, somehow, Lucan and Lacie are infected with darkness that Ethel gave them? Okay, now I'm thinking really far-fetched, so forget this. Unless I'm right, of course ;)
I will see you tomorrow, I hope that all my questions will be answered then! And if not... TT_TT
Once again, you place a very paranoid atmosphere in the chapter, making me feel fairly queasy. And I love it. Lucan wasn't OOC at all - if my mother and sister would be killed in one day, I think I would react in the same way.
But still... what? Lacie is dead? o_o Did she commit suicide, or did someone kill her? Did she kill her mother? Or did she know that her mother had to be killed for some reason? I think it was the latter, and the knowledge of everything - including the curse - drove her to this.
Which leaves me with my next question. Why does she know so much, and who is 'they'? I think I can safely assume that Lacie meant the gods. Or, Ethel is together with someone else, working on the ending of the curse at all costs - or maybe it's Morgan and Gwen. Gwaah, so many options, yet I'm going for the first one. For now.
And my next question is, who killed Lucan's and Lacie's mother? I think Ethel has something to do with this. To quote Morgan, 'she is the enemy'. Did she kill her, and if so, why?
And the last question - where did the darkness come from? Maybe, somehow, Lucan and Lacie are infected with darkness that Ethel gave them? Okay, now I'm thinking really far-fetched, so forget this. Unless I'm right, of course ;)
I will see you tomorrow, I hope that all my questions will be answered then! And if not... TT_TT
8/22/2012 c41 CieloRayn
I feel bad for Zeph because he knows nothing lol. I also felt bad for Celeste because she had just saved Zeph's life yet Mana tried to kill her. I also liked the moment with Caelum and Celeste it was kind of sweet lol.
I feel bad for Zeph because he knows nothing lol. I also felt bad for Celeste because she had just saved Zeph's life yet Mana tried to kill her. I also liked the moment with Caelum and Celeste it was kind of sweet lol.
8/21/2012 c45 Sky65
I knew the moment Lucan mentioned to Grace how they executed people that this was going to happen I'm just smart like that!
Loved the chapter- and I can't help but laugh at Cealum's personality.
Can't wait to see what happens!
I knew the moment Lucan mentioned to Grace how they executed people that this was going to happen I'm just smart like that!
Loved the chapter- and I can't help but laugh at Cealum's personality.
Can't wait to see what happens!
8/21/2012 c42 DutchAver
A chapter a day keeps the Story Alerts away. (From piling up)
Okay, never mind, that was me trying to be funny. Anyway, since I have four chapters to catch up on, I will try and read & review one chapter every day, so that I'll be up-to-date soon enough Here I go.
Zeph's explanation of Caelum and Celeste being Eidan's and Jenna's twins made me snicker. And Celeste is horribly naive - possibly even worse than Jenna. Especially so considering that Jenna's only seventeen(right?) yet Celeste's thousands of years old. Yet she still keeps that naiveté. It can be a bit annoying, but I know where she comes from nonetheless.
I loved the mood you settled in this chapter, especially near the beginning! You really had me feeling paranoid and worried for Jenna, making it easy for me to live with her. I like it when an author does that, and you've done it VERY well.
I'm still sceptical about Grace wanting to be with her brother simply because he's her brother. I'm still thinking that she harbors a bit more than sisterly feelings for him, though the majority is platonic, I think.
Does Lacie know of the curse, and how it involves killing off Lucan? It would be hard to say it isn't so. My memory fails - I don't think she's been told in this story, so if that's the case, I wonder who told Lacie. She's right - it would worry me to no end if I knew my sister had to die for some reason. And I'm not nearly as close to her as Lacie to Lucan, so I understand her pains. Is she distancing herself from him to protect him, to make sure that she won't tell him that he'll have to die?
Oh Jenna, Jenna, and your promises that you make WAY too quickly...
Great chapter! See you tomorrow
A chapter a day keeps the Story Alerts away. (From piling up)
Okay, never mind, that was me trying to be funny. Anyway, since I have four chapters to catch up on, I will try and read & review one chapter every day, so that I'll be up-to-date soon enough Here I go.
Zeph's explanation of Caelum and Celeste being Eidan's and Jenna's twins made me snicker. And Celeste is horribly naive - possibly even worse than Jenna. Especially so considering that Jenna's only seventeen(right?) yet Celeste's thousands of years old. Yet she still keeps that naiveté. It can be a bit annoying, but I know where she comes from nonetheless.
I loved the mood you settled in this chapter, especially near the beginning! You really had me feeling paranoid and worried for Jenna, making it easy for me to live with her. I like it when an author does that, and you've done it VERY well.
I'm still sceptical about Grace wanting to be with her brother simply because he's her brother. I'm still thinking that she harbors a bit more than sisterly feelings for him, though the majority is platonic, I think.
Does Lacie know of the curse, and how it involves killing off Lucan? It would be hard to say it isn't so. My memory fails - I don't think she's been told in this story, so if that's the case, I wonder who told Lacie. She's right - it would worry me to no end if I knew my sister had to die for some reason. And I'm not nearly as close to her as Lacie to Lucan, so I understand her pains. Is she distancing herself from him to protect him, to make sure that she won't tell him that he'll have to die?
Oh Jenna, Jenna, and your promises that you make WAY too quickly...
Great chapter! See you tomorrow
8/20/2012 c45 10Vivace.Assai
Late Review #2: in which this review isn’t quite so late because you just updated it the night before I reviewed…
Once again, I forgot to take notes as I read the chapter – to caught up was I in reading each and every word to the best of my ability. So I will basically be trying to remember what I was going to say if I had taken notes. I must say that I do easily get bored while reading long chapters (even when they aren’t on the computer screen). I get distracted and trail off and do other things. But every minute reading this story is so intense that I can never stop until I finish the chapter. So good job on writing such an engrossing read that just pulls the readers in! This story is definitely magnificent (though you probably know that). :)
SO GRACE AND LUCAN KISSED! I was hyperventilating and fangirling inside my mind at the build-up to that moment. When Lucan got closer to her… and she could feel his breath on her face… and afdskfljdsfdsk… No words. No words can express my feelings at that moment. I liked how you had the build-up of Grace’s emotions. You make it clear that she doesn’t understand why she feels the way she feels. It’s obvious that this sudden desire to kiss Lucan is completely new to her and that she hasn’t been thinking much about her feelings for him. This is kind of a classic Grace thing to do. But it’s clear that she likes him and she doesn’t care if he is a human – somebody she used to look down on. This moment was so cute and I was all happy about the kiss AND THEN LUCAN STABBED HER WITH A SYRINGE AND MADE HER FAINT! I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t because I was floating on the clouds with happiness that Grace finally found somebody who cares about her in a romantic way (and the same goes with Lucan).
But (beginning new paragraph because I don’t want to kill your eyes) I think that this was a great way to show how far Lucan has fallen. He has completely given into the Dark Abyss and there is no way to save him. He isn’t able to fight the darkness, and he is only doing negative, evil things. It’s kind of frightening how a person so good and kind could fall so much (but I guess it’s true that the higher up they are, the farther they fall). Oh… poor Lucan. I want to give him a hug but he’d probably stab my neck with a syringe or something. I now wonder, however, who sent the Dark Abyss to Lucan and why? What evil plans are being formulated at the moment and how is it all related to the curse?
The moment with Jenna and Eidan was so intense. I thought that you picked a nice (but rather inopportune) moment for Jenna to confess her love. It’s quite obvious the two would say they love each other just before all hell breaks loose – it seems like the perfect moment because they don’t know what’s going to happen if they get caught. But at the same time, you have to wonder: priorities anyone? I felt the love confession was nicely done though. Eidan is completely shocked that Jenna chooses this moment to confess, but then after her rambling, he finally tells her how he feels about her too. It’s absolutely adorable and really perfect considering the situation.
I also felt the descriptions in the forest were very nice. It felt really fast-paced and I liked how you integrated Jenna’s emotions, her physical pain from all the stress of running, and the descriptions of the setting and people around her. You did it in a way that the pace never slowed, and in fact, everything felt more chaotic and frightening because you painted a perfect picture of all that was happening. So I quite liked the intensity in the later part of this chapter.
So this was an awesome chapter! And yes the prologue is coming next chapter – since the prologue is coming early on in this climax/resolution, I presume this means that Jenna and Eidan won’t die (at least not yet). I’m still curious to see what you’re going to do with this, but you’re heading this story towards a very exciting end.
I can’t wait for the next update! Hope you had fun in Scotland (I really think I’ve said this several times already). Thanks for the great read!
Signing off…
10Vivace.AssaiLate Review #2: in which this review isn’t quite so late because you just updated it the night before I reviewed…
Once again, I forgot to take notes as I read the chapter – to caught up was I in reading each and every word to the best of my ability. So I will basically be trying to remember what I was going to say if I had taken notes. I must say that I do easily get bored while reading long chapters (even when they aren’t on the computer screen). I get distracted and trail off and do other things. But every minute reading this story is so intense that I can never stop until I finish the chapter. So good job on writing such an engrossing read that just pulls the readers in! This story is definitely magnificent (though you probably know that). :)
SO GRACE AND LUCAN KISSED! I was hyperventilating and fangirling inside my mind at the build-up to that moment. When Lucan got closer to her… and she could feel his breath on her face… and afdskfljdsfdsk… No words. No words can express my feelings at that moment. I liked how you had the build-up of Grace’s emotions. You make it clear that she doesn’t understand why she feels the way she feels. It’s obvious that this sudden desire to kiss Lucan is completely new to her and that she hasn’t been thinking much about her feelings for him. This is kind of a classic Grace thing to do. But it’s clear that she likes him and she doesn’t care if he is a human – somebody she used to look down on. This moment was so cute and I was all happy about the kiss AND THEN LUCAN STABBED HER WITH A SYRINGE AND MADE HER FAINT! I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t because I was floating on the clouds with happiness that Grace finally found somebody who cares about her in a romantic way (and the same goes with Lucan).
But (beginning new paragraph because I don’t want to kill your eyes) I think that this was a great way to show how far Lucan has fallen. He has completely given into the Dark Abyss and there is no way to save him. He isn’t able to fight the darkness, and he is only doing negative, evil things. It’s kind of frightening how a person so good and kind could fall so much (but I guess it’s true that the higher up they are, the farther they fall). Oh… poor Lucan. I want to give him a hug but he’d probably stab my neck with a syringe or something. I now wonder, however, who sent the Dark Abyss to Lucan and why? What evil plans are being formulated at the moment and how is it all related to the curse?
The moment with Jenna and Eidan was so intense. I thought that you picked a nice (but rather inopportune) moment for Jenna to confess her love. It’s quite obvious the two would say they love each other just before all hell breaks loose – it seems like the perfect moment because they don’t know what’s going to happen if they get caught. But at the same time, you have to wonder: priorities anyone? I felt the love confession was nicely done though. Eidan is completely shocked that Jenna chooses this moment to confess, but then after her rambling, he finally tells her how he feels about her too. It’s absolutely adorable and really perfect considering the situation.
I also felt the descriptions in the forest were very nice. It felt really fast-paced and I liked how you integrated Jenna’s emotions, her physical pain from all the stress of running, and the descriptions of the setting and people around her. You did it in a way that the pace never slowed, and in fact, everything felt more chaotic and frightening because you painted a perfect picture of all that was happening. So I quite liked the intensity in the later part of this chapter.
So this was an awesome chapter! And yes the prologue is coming next chapter – since the prologue is coming early on in this climax/resolution, I presume this means that Jenna and Eidan won’t die (at least not yet). I’m still curious to see what you’re going to do with this, but you’re heading this story towards a very exciting end.
I can’t wait for the next update! Hope you had fun in Scotland (I really think I’ve said this several times already). Thanks for the great read!
Signing off…
8/20/2012 c44 Vivace.Assai
Late Review #1: in which I need not explain why I took so long to review because we both already know I was distracted...
But I was so engrossed in this chapter that I completely forgot to take notes while I read the chapter (which is quite sad since this might equate to a less specific and shorter review). But I will still carry on and try to give you a proper review for this intriguing chapter!
I loved this chapter for the epiphany the two characters had! It showed considerable character development for both Zeph and Mana, which is what everybody wants when they’re reading a story – characters growing and learning from their mistakes. So onto the discussion of the characters! *cue trumpet fanfare*
I like how this chapter really studied Zeph’s character a lot more. In the drama surrounding Lucan, Jenna, Grace, and Eidan, I admit that I sometimes forget that Zeph is suffering just as much. This is mostly because of Zeph’s outwardly indifferent character. He pretends to not notice the world when he is quite perceptive. And he actually has grown to not care about anything except doing what he wants. It’s like he is closed off to the world and all of his surroundings – he forgets how people are suffering in the Air Kingdom because there isn’t a king. Yet in this chapter, he reaches an epiphany that he is quite the hypocrite – that he has ignored when he could have helped… that he has his own issues that he must resolve. This is one step towards him changing as a character and becoming more active in all the events. So I quite liked that for him.
As for Mana, we forget how resentful she can be because she tends to act so bright and cheerful. Jenna of course takes the award on optimism, but Mana hardly seems as weighed down by her suffering as much as Jenna. But in this chapter, it becomes clear that she still bears resentment towards the Earth Kingdom for what they did to her. In a way, she is very much like Ophelia in that cruelty has made her become vengeful – she is unable to realize how wrong it is to not save the people. I’m glad she does realize the truth in the end, since it allows her to break away from Ophelia. It also shows how she has overcome all her issues and is growing to become a better person. So yay for development!
Finally, Ophelia is quite a simple but complex character. I mean simple because she doesn’t have all these different personalities and needs to be psychoanalyzed to be understood. It’s quite clear that she was once a girl content with her life but Aphyron’s death has propelled her into vengeance and bitterness. Her bitterness is so strong that she is unable to break away from it – she continually holds a grudge against Celeste and she can’t change. It seems as if Mana would have become Ophelia if she hadn’t decided to save the Earth Kingdom now.
…
Maybe that is what the curse is. The individuals basically become who their representative gods once were and due to that, they end up meeting the same fate. I’m not exactly sure. This curse is one of those things that are confusing and can’t be pieced together even with all the hints. Either way, it’s quite intriguing to learn that Zeph has broken away from his curse long ago. So the first time, Celeste must have allowed him to cheat the curse and then the second time, it was just a genetic illness that was healed. I presume this means the only way to break the curse is to cheat what the curse planned for all the characters. So maybe Mana will break her curse because she has decided to not be vengeful like Ophelia. I only wonder why Celeste and Caelum were cursed. Was it because Celeste killed Aphyron? And how was Caelum involved in everything? Was it because the two fell in love with each other? I’m pretty much excited to see what will happen next with this curse and what more you will reveal.
I know wonder if the Air Kingdom falling down has anything to do with the curse… Curious to see what you have planned. Another great chapter! It is quite interesting how Mana and Zeph always argue (now I can’t imagine her being a mute elf like your initial plans because then she wouldn’t be able to argue with him).
Signing off…
Late Review #1: in which I need not explain why I took so long to review because we both already know I was distracted...
But I was so engrossed in this chapter that I completely forgot to take notes while I read the chapter (which is quite sad since this might equate to a less specific and shorter review). But I will still carry on and try to give you a proper review for this intriguing chapter!
I loved this chapter for the epiphany the two characters had! It showed considerable character development for both Zeph and Mana, which is what everybody wants when they’re reading a story – characters growing and learning from their mistakes. So onto the discussion of the characters! *cue trumpet fanfare*
I like how this chapter really studied Zeph’s character a lot more. In the drama surrounding Lucan, Jenna, Grace, and Eidan, I admit that I sometimes forget that Zeph is suffering just as much. This is mostly because of Zeph’s outwardly indifferent character. He pretends to not notice the world when he is quite perceptive. And he actually has grown to not care about anything except doing what he wants. It’s like he is closed off to the world and all of his surroundings – he forgets how people are suffering in the Air Kingdom because there isn’t a king. Yet in this chapter, he reaches an epiphany that he is quite the hypocrite – that he has ignored when he could have helped… that he has his own issues that he must resolve. This is one step towards him changing as a character and becoming more active in all the events. So I quite liked that for him.
As for Mana, we forget how resentful she can be because she tends to act so bright and cheerful. Jenna of course takes the award on optimism, but Mana hardly seems as weighed down by her suffering as much as Jenna. But in this chapter, it becomes clear that she still bears resentment towards the Earth Kingdom for what they did to her. In a way, she is very much like Ophelia in that cruelty has made her become vengeful – she is unable to realize how wrong it is to not save the people. I’m glad she does realize the truth in the end, since it allows her to break away from Ophelia. It also shows how she has overcome all her issues and is growing to become a better person. So yay for development!
Finally, Ophelia is quite a simple but complex character. I mean simple because she doesn’t have all these different personalities and needs to be psychoanalyzed to be understood. It’s quite clear that she was once a girl content with her life but Aphyron’s death has propelled her into vengeance and bitterness. Her bitterness is so strong that she is unable to break away from it – she continually holds a grudge against Celeste and she can’t change. It seems as if Mana would have become Ophelia if she hadn’t decided to save the Earth Kingdom now.
…
Maybe that is what the curse is. The individuals basically become who their representative gods once were and due to that, they end up meeting the same fate. I’m not exactly sure. This curse is one of those things that are confusing and can’t be pieced together even with all the hints. Either way, it’s quite intriguing to learn that Zeph has broken away from his curse long ago. So the first time, Celeste must have allowed him to cheat the curse and then the second time, it was just a genetic illness that was healed. I presume this means the only way to break the curse is to cheat what the curse planned for all the characters. So maybe Mana will break her curse because she has decided to not be vengeful like Ophelia. I only wonder why Celeste and Caelum were cursed. Was it because Celeste killed Aphyron? And how was Caelum involved in everything? Was it because the two fell in love with each other? I’m pretty much excited to see what will happen next with this curse and what more you will reveal.
I know wonder if the Air Kingdom falling down has anything to do with the curse… Curious to see what you have planned. Another great chapter! It is quite interesting how Mana and Zeph always argue (now I can’t imagine her being a mute elf like your initial plans because then she wouldn’t be able to argue with him).
Signing off…
8/20/2012 c12 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Firstly, you've thrown me aback. If Zeph was supposed to be the kidnapper, then why did Jenna end up in a cell as well? I suspect he might be lying. That the ones needing her are those bossing the airship so as to speak.
And speaking of Zeph, I really like him. I used to think Eidan is my favourite while I have favourable views towards how you managed to shape Lucan's character in the previous chapter despite you being too harsh on yourself. Is he comedic? Yes. But he's not someone willing to make a clown out of himself and that's what truly scored big time in his report card. You see, Zeph isn't the kind of person to crack jokes. Yet, his sense of humour can be seen as barbs aiming your way if you pissed him off. I don't know if I can call him a cynical fellow because for starters, he only seemed like a prickly guy whose thoughts are extremely hard to fathom. Just like the wind itself. And that's why I liked him as a character here. Unlike the rest including Jenna and Eidan, Zeph's persona truly shone brightly upon his debut. Impact wise, his was the biggest of them all so as to speak. Is he a rogue? I'm not too sure if it's by profession, but he truly had such an air around him. That he's not afraid of playing dirty unlike Eidan or Lucan. So in terms of character/personality, I can call him a foil to the two even though they haven't met yet.
As for Jenna, it's pretty amusing to see that she never changed a single bit, yet it's not a drag in seeing her throwing tantrums. Why is that the case was down to Zeph. The way he interacted with her was such that we don't really mind an annoying brat so long as she had a snarker beside her. Given that this is Zeph's debut chapter, it only sweetened the deal chapter and characterizing wise. In particular, the chase was outright hilarious as in we get to see what we should be expecting in him. Choreography wise, it's also top notch since it's just like watching Liam Neeson getting chased throughout the streets of New York in an action comedy movie. :D And lastly, some priceless moments of humour.
[Jenna glared back, pointing at him with her unchained hand. "You kidnapped me!"
"And?"]
["That door's not indestructible," her kidnapper said, crushing her hopes. "We're going to have to…"
"… do something." the boy finished his sentence lamely,]
[Jenna watched as his face morphed from hopeful, to confusion, to outrage and lastly, to panic.
"What?" she asked.
"I've lost the key."
"…What key?"
The boy held his chained arm up, causing hers to follow. "The key to these."
Jenna's face paled. "W-What-"]
["Technically, he's after me, not you." He pushed her behind him, pointing the sword at the door as if it would break any moment now. "Don't get in my way," he told her. "I can't have you dying on me."
The Princess furrowed her eyebrows at that, frowning at the back of his head. "Who are you? Why did you kidnap me?"
The boy threw her an exasperated look. "Is this really the right time for introductions?"
"I do not care."
He rolled his eyes, turning back to the door. "Zeph," he said after a while. "That's my name. And I really didn't want to kidnap you in the first place, in case you're wondering. I have better things to do than look after a spoilt-"
"Hey-!"
"-princess who can't even run without colliding into a wall. But sadly, I need you-"]
["Now, that's not very nice-"]
["Hey, you asked for it-"]
[Mighty chair in hand, she swung down. Hard.]
Most priceless of the lot:
[The large man collapsed back, clutching his bleeding, bald head. He grunted, falling away from Zeph who immediately straightened up and winked at Jenna.
"DID YOU JUST ATTACK ME WITH A BLOODY CHAIR?"
Wide-eyed and flowing with adrenaline, Jenna nodded. "Yes!" she screamed, panting from the shock of it all. She stared at his wounded head, wincing at the large gash that was now flowing with blood. "…I'm sorry. You're bleeding quite a lot-"
"THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH-"
"Hit him again!" Zeph yelled at her, pointing at the berserk man.
Jenna looked at him as if he had grown another head. "But it might hurt!"
"THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!"]
-From the RH
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuFirstly, you've thrown me aback. If Zeph was supposed to be the kidnapper, then why did Jenna end up in a cell as well? I suspect he might be lying. That the ones needing her are those bossing the airship so as to speak.
And speaking of Zeph, I really like him. I used to think Eidan is my favourite while I have favourable views towards how you managed to shape Lucan's character in the previous chapter despite you being too harsh on yourself. Is he comedic? Yes. But he's not someone willing to make a clown out of himself and that's what truly scored big time in his report card. You see, Zeph isn't the kind of person to crack jokes. Yet, his sense of humour can be seen as barbs aiming your way if you pissed him off. I don't know if I can call him a cynical fellow because for starters, he only seemed like a prickly guy whose thoughts are extremely hard to fathom. Just like the wind itself. And that's why I liked him as a character here. Unlike the rest including Jenna and Eidan, Zeph's persona truly shone brightly upon his debut. Impact wise, his was the biggest of them all so as to speak. Is he a rogue? I'm not too sure if it's by profession, but he truly had such an air around him. That he's not afraid of playing dirty unlike Eidan or Lucan. So in terms of character/personality, I can call him a foil to the two even though they haven't met yet.
As for Jenna, it's pretty amusing to see that she never changed a single bit, yet it's not a drag in seeing her throwing tantrums. Why is that the case was down to Zeph. The way he interacted with her was such that we don't really mind an annoying brat so long as she had a snarker beside her. Given that this is Zeph's debut chapter, it only sweetened the deal chapter and characterizing wise. In particular, the chase was outright hilarious as in we get to see what we should be expecting in him. Choreography wise, it's also top notch since it's just like watching Liam Neeson getting chased throughout the streets of New York in an action comedy movie. :D And lastly, some priceless moments of humour.
[Jenna glared back, pointing at him with her unchained hand. "You kidnapped me!"
"And?"]
["That door's not indestructible," her kidnapper said, crushing her hopes. "We're going to have to…"
"… do something." the boy finished his sentence lamely,]
[Jenna watched as his face morphed from hopeful, to confusion, to outrage and lastly, to panic.
"What?" she asked.
"I've lost the key."
"…What key?"
The boy held his chained arm up, causing hers to follow. "The key to these."
Jenna's face paled. "W-What-"]
["Technically, he's after me, not you." He pushed her behind him, pointing the sword at the door as if it would break any moment now. "Don't get in my way," he told her. "I can't have you dying on me."
The Princess furrowed her eyebrows at that, frowning at the back of his head. "Who are you? Why did you kidnap me?"
The boy threw her an exasperated look. "Is this really the right time for introductions?"
"I do not care."
He rolled his eyes, turning back to the door. "Zeph," he said after a while. "That's my name. And I really didn't want to kidnap you in the first place, in case you're wondering. I have better things to do than look after a spoilt-"
"Hey-!"
"-princess who can't even run without colliding into a wall. But sadly, I need you-"]
["Now, that's not very nice-"]
["Hey, you asked for it-"]
[Mighty chair in hand, she swung down. Hard.]
Most priceless of the lot:
[The large man collapsed back, clutching his bleeding, bald head. He grunted, falling away from Zeph who immediately straightened up and winked at Jenna.
"DID YOU JUST ATTACK ME WITH A BLOODY CHAIR?"
Wide-eyed and flowing with adrenaline, Jenna nodded. "Yes!" she screamed, panting from the shock of it all. She stared at his wounded head, wincing at the large gash that was now flowing with blood. "…I'm sorry. You're bleeding quite a lot-"
"THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH-"
"Hit him again!" Zeph yelled at her, pointing at the berserk man.
Jenna looked at him as if he had grown another head. "But it might hurt!"
"THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!"]
-From the RH
8/19/2012 c45 Vernelley
Surprise surprise. Login does not work again. Y u no.
I almost thought you were shipping Grace and Lucan for a moment, but glad to see that's not the case. (Jack is still single and waiting for Lu... LOL) Although I'm still upset that Lucan's still evil. WHY. And I'm still suspecting Ethel but I dunno... Well since she hasn't been around for a while now so I assume she's up to no good XD Poor Grace though. But Evil Lucan's trick would work on any girl in the right mind 8Db
I didn't really expect Lacie to have stabbed herself, but then thinking about it, she was kind of insane, or unstable, while she was talking to Eidan, so I suppose it's not all that surprising if you think about it... Although yes it's unfortunate that Eidan was framed for it.
Caelum is such a snob. Lol. Sounds like the human bodies are way too restrictive for Celeste and Caelum, since whenever they try to use significant power they (Caelum, at least) basically get knocked out. Wonder if this will factor in somehow later?
Sobs YAY for Jenna and Eidan's hormones LOL. Perfect timing to confess to the love of your life, while you're being chased by a billion armed soldiers. But then, that's Jenna for you, I suppose. XD
I doubt the prologue being what it looks like. Since there are still a handful of chapters left (and each one is usually really long and eventful lol) and there hasn't been a time-skip yet either, I'm pretty sure I know at least a handful of the characters who will still be around. Maybe someone else comes to save the day, but someone probably still ends up dying in the midst of it all. Or maybe no one dies and they're not dead yet and simply unconscious. And aren't Mana and Zeph supposed to come to Marniolle as well. And since Caelum and Celeste are also there... Hmm. Idk. Worst at speculating.
Anyway. I don't know if it was a shorter chapter than usual but it definitely didn't feel long. Plenty of things happening to keep it pretty fast-paced. Now if only we knew why Lucan had gone insane/evil... e_e That has to be important because you can't just have pretty, perfect Lucan going evil and then be like "Oh yeah, something happened, don't worry about it, no big deal." e_e
Surprise surprise. Login does not work again. Y u no.
I almost thought you were shipping Grace and Lucan for a moment, but glad to see that's not the case. (Jack is still single and waiting for Lu... LOL) Although I'm still upset that Lucan's still evil. WHY. And I'm still suspecting Ethel but I dunno... Well since she hasn't been around for a while now so I assume she's up to no good XD Poor Grace though. But Evil Lucan's trick would work on any girl in the right mind 8Db
I didn't really expect Lacie to have stabbed herself, but then thinking about it, she was kind of insane, or unstable, while she was talking to Eidan, so I suppose it's not all that surprising if you think about it... Although yes it's unfortunate that Eidan was framed for it.
Caelum is such a snob. Lol. Sounds like the human bodies are way too restrictive for Celeste and Caelum, since whenever they try to use significant power they (Caelum, at least) basically get knocked out. Wonder if this will factor in somehow later?
Sobs YAY for Jenna and Eidan's hormones LOL. Perfect timing to confess to the love of your life, while you're being chased by a billion armed soldiers. But then, that's Jenna for you, I suppose. XD
I doubt the prologue being what it looks like. Since there are still a handful of chapters left (and each one is usually really long and eventful lol) and there hasn't been a time-skip yet either, I'm pretty sure I know at least a handful of the characters who will still be around. Maybe someone else comes to save the day, but someone probably still ends up dying in the midst of it all. Or maybe no one dies and they're not dead yet and simply unconscious. And aren't Mana and Zeph supposed to come to Marniolle as well. And since Caelum and Celeste are also there... Hmm. Idk. Worst at speculating.
Anyway. I don't know if it was a shorter chapter than usual but it definitely didn't feel long. Plenty of things happening to keep it pretty fast-paced. Now if only we knew why Lucan had gone insane/evil... e_e That has to be important because you can't just have pretty, perfect Lucan going evil and then be like "Oh yeah, something happened, don't worry about it, no big deal." e_e
8/19/2012 c1 1natalieward
Hey so my first time reading this, but saw your post in the Roadhouse forum.
First up - love the beginning! Really love the quote you have at the top of the chapter and then the opening paragraph describing the sky is amazing - really well written.
You have also created a lot of both tension and intrigue - not only for the details behind their capture and death sentence but also for how they could possibly get out of it (if they do)! I like it.
Style wise, very good, no major errors or mistakes. My only comment would be this line [despite not knowing the full situation completely] - just doesn't read right, and might benefit from a rewording?
All in all, a great start to your story...I've seen how long it is and I have a long way to go obviously, but like you I enjoy a long, developed plot! Good work.
1nataliewardHey so my first time reading this, but saw your post in the Roadhouse forum.
First up - love the beginning! Really love the quote you have at the top of the chapter and then the opening paragraph describing the sky is amazing - really well written.
You have also created a lot of both tension and intrigue - not only for the details behind their capture and death sentence but also for how they could possibly get out of it (if they do)! I like it.
Style wise, very good, no major errors or mistakes. My only comment would be this line [despite not knowing the full situation completely] - just doesn't read right, and might benefit from a rewording?
All in all, a great start to your story...I've seen how long it is and I have a long way to go obviously, but like you I enjoy a long, developed plot! Good work.
8/19/2012 c45 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
You know, I feel like my reviews aren’t exactly reviews, but more me documenting my reactions as I read your long chapters. XD I wonder if I can write a serious review today (probably not).
Oh Grace, you can’t surely think that Eidan has such control over Caelum? Well…I guess he does. In a way. Gonna be an awkward moment when Grace finds Caelum all in his own body. I wonder what it was like to grow up with your brother housing a dangerous god. Well, they could’ve had some interesting conversations. XD
["I'm sorry too," he mumbled. "I sent your brother to be executed."] – so this is my mind thinking, but I nearly laughed out loud at this. Here’s Grace pitying Lucan and he just drops that bombshell. Cue the awkward silence!
…
Holy shit! I mean, first I was all happy with the Lucan/Grace kiss, but then Lucan…I don’t even know, kills Grace? Just…wow. Lucan, you crazy genius! Wow, I never expected Grace to end like that. Or, even if she isn’t dead, the fact that she had that kind of betrayal. In a way, her thoughts about puny humans throughout the story really make this scene more satisfying. It’s like, YEAH BOY LUCAN, YOU SHOW HER. But, then I remember that I kind of like Grace (not much, but I’ll give her some credit). But seriously, crazy scene.
Why do I feel like Jenna cockblocked Celeste and Caelum? O_o
["Three hours," he repeated. "Three hours and he manages to get himself done for assassination. And he had the fucking nerve to warn me not to go around massacring everyone."] – still love Caelum. But, also, that brings up a very important point – poor Caelum, always judged based on his reputation. He can be pleasant and non-violent when he wants! This scene with Caelum talking about Eidan is rather ironic. I like it.
Oh wow, Jenna trying to confess her love in the forest while running from danger was rather amusing. I love how Eidan kept trying to say no but ended up confessing his love right back.
Yeah, this story is what I call an epic fantasy. I mean, it’s freaking LONG! How many words is this on Word right now? Over 200,000? If it were in print, I’m guessing it’ll be over a thousand pages. That’s a damn impressive feat! Nice job! And to think it isn’t even over yet!
It’s gonna be so weird to think that this story can end. O_O It’s gonna be quite a sad day.
3thenutrunningthenuthouseYou know, I feel like my reviews aren’t exactly reviews, but more me documenting my reactions as I read your long chapters. XD I wonder if I can write a serious review today (probably not).
Oh Grace, you can’t surely think that Eidan has such control over Caelum? Well…I guess he does. In a way. Gonna be an awkward moment when Grace finds Caelum all in his own body. I wonder what it was like to grow up with your brother housing a dangerous god. Well, they could’ve had some interesting conversations. XD
["I'm sorry too," he mumbled. "I sent your brother to be executed."] – so this is my mind thinking, but I nearly laughed out loud at this. Here’s Grace pitying Lucan and he just drops that bombshell. Cue the awkward silence!
…
Holy shit! I mean, first I was all happy with the Lucan/Grace kiss, but then Lucan…I don’t even know, kills Grace? Just…wow. Lucan, you crazy genius! Wow, I never expected Grace to end like that. Or, even if she isn’t dead, the fact that she had that kind of betrayal. In a way, her thoughts about puny humans throughout the story really make this scene more satisfying. It’s like, YEAH BOY LUCAN, YOU SHOW HER. But, then I remember that I kind of like Grace (not much, but I’ll give her some credit). But seriously, crazy scene.
Why do I feel like Jenna cockblocked Celeste and Caelum? O_o
["Three hours," he repeated. "Three hours and he manages to get himself done for assassination. And he had the fucking nerve to warn me not to go around massacring everyone."] – still love Caelum. But, also, that brings up a very important point – poor Caelum, always judged based on his reputation. He can be pleasant and non-violent when he wants! This scene with Caelum talking about Eidan is rather ironic. I like it.
Oh wow, Jenna trying to confess her love in the forest while running from danger was rather amusing. I love how Eidan kept trying to say no but ended up confessing his love right back.
Yeah, this story is what I call an epic fantasy. I mean, it’s freaking LONG! How many words is this on Word right now? Over 200,000? If it were in print, I’m guessing it’ll be over a thousand pages. That’s a damn impressive feat! Nice job! And to think it isn’t even over yet!
It’s gonna be so weird to think that this story can end. O_O It’s gonna be quite a sad day.
8/19/2012 c45 findings
woah! what a beautifully well-written chapter!
I'm so happy Eidan and Jenna confessed their love for each other while escaping death.
They're so perfect, just...just...I have no words.
I can't believe next chapter supposedly going to be burnt to death, but they won't die since the story continues. :)
woah! what a beautifully well-written chapter!
I'm so happy Eidan and Jenna confessed their love for each other while escaping death.
They're so perfect, just...just...I have no words.
I can't believe next chapter supposedly going to be burnt to death, but they won't die since the story continues. :)
8/19/2012 c2 1Loraine Wentworth
I like that Jenna has a really normal relationship with her parents, despite them being royal. This adds a lot of realism to the story. Even in fantasy- sometimes I think especially in fantasy- it is nice to see this.
This chapter does a good job of introducing the main characters. I can see that Jenna thinks of herself as a lot older than she is- I like the mention of her old toys. Eidan seems like a really thoughtful person. I'd like to find out about how Jenna and Eidan met, though.
1Loraine WentworthI like that Jenna has a really normal relationship with her parents, despite them being royal. This adds a lot of realism to the story. Even in fantasy- sometimes I think especially in fantasy- it is nice to see this.
This chapter does a good job of introducing the main characters. I can see that Jenna thinks of herself as a lot older than she is- I like the mention of her old toys. Eidan seems like a really thoughtful person. I'd like to find out about how Jenna and Eidan met, though.
8/19/2012 c1 Loraine Wentworth
This is a great opening- it's drawn me in. It looks like the kind of story I like to read. I do like that you go straight into the drama.
I like the little quotes at the start- but I'm interested to know where these came from? If they are from a poem/fable that goes with the story, I think it would add to the world-building to reference them.
I think there is some truly beautiful description here.
e.g. covering the heavens in oblivion and solitude
and
clinging onto their last moments desperately
This really gives the story a magical sense.
I also like the dialogue. You've done a really good job of conveying the two people's fears and also their friendship through it. However, I'd have liked to find out their names. I expect I'll find out soon, so on to the next chapter...
This is a great opening- it's drawn me in. It looks like the kind of story I like to read. I do like that you go straight into the drama.
I like the little quotes at the start- but I'm interested to know where these came from? If they are from a poem/fable that goes with the story, I think it would add to the world-building to reference them.
I think there is some truly beautiful description here.
e.g. covering the heavens in oblivion and solitude
and
clinging onto their last moments desperately
This really gives the story a magical sense.
I also like the dialogue. You've done a really good job of conveying the two people's fears and also their friendship through it. However, I'd have liked to find out their names. I expect I'll find out soon, so on to the next chapter...