for Penumbrae5/22/2012 c11 Paper Ghost
[For most people, the first thing you would notice]
The 'you' doesn't fit here, since it's directly addressing the reader. Consider changing it to 'they' so it matches 'people'.
[Many books lay on the shelves, each one neatly standing on its place.]
The first clause contradicts the second. They can't be laying if they're standing.
[They both sat down on the large dining table]
Were they sitting 'on' the table or 'at' the table? From the context, 'at' would make more sense.
[From behind the white lace that enveloped around her]
It feels redundant to have 'enveloped around' because they carry the same idea. You could remove 'around' to improve it.
[It wasn't his problem and therefore he refused to think no more of it.]
This means the opposite of your intention. As it stands now, he refuses to not think of it, meaning he wants to think about it. You could change the 'no' to 'any' or remove 'no more' or change 'refused' to 'decided'.
-
And we finally get to see Lucan and Lacie again. I liked this chapter for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you left an exciting scene with Jenna and Eidan and switch to this, making the reader more anxious and curious about them. Based on the last chapter, we know four more days have passed since 'the event' so that makes things even more exciting.
I also like how we can a glimpse inside Lucan's head. There's definitely something there between him and Jenna but it's unclear exactly what that is. Lucan is obviously willing to risk a lot to find out if she's safe. We also get a glimpse of Lacie too. She's definitely someone who doesn't want to talk about the curse and things. She seems to want to pretend it didn't happen.
Another thing I liked was the machine arrows. I thought that was a neat idea. I can see them playing a certain role in the future.
The only real issue I have is that Lucan has to risk death to leave. Why can't he simply walk out of the palace? He's the prince, shouldn't he be allowed? Is he trying to sneak out? Why not change clothes and sneak out the "backdoor" then? I felt like the ending part was a little rushed or under-explained.
Overall, a good chapter. [:
[For most people, the first thing you would notice]
The 'you' doesn't fit here, since it's directly addressing the reader. Consider changing it to 'they' so it matches 'people'.
[Many books lay on the shelves, each one neatly standing on its place.]
The first clause contradicts the second. They can't be laying if they're standing.
[They both sat down on the large dining table]
Were they sitting 'on' the table or 'at' the table? From the context, 'at' would make more sense.
[From behind the white lace that enveloped around her]
It feels redundant to have 'enveloped around' because they carry the same idea. You could remove 'around' to improve it.
[It wasn't his problem and therefore he refused to think no more of it.]
This means the opposite of your intention. As it stands now, he refuses to not think of it, meaning he wants to think about it. You could change the 'no' to 'any' or remove 'no more' or change 'refused' to 'decided'.
-
And we finally get to see Lucan and Lacie again. I liked this chapter for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you left an exciting scene with Jenna and Eidan and switch to this, making the reader more anxious and curious about them. Based on the last chapter, we know four more days have passed since 'the event' so that makes things even more exciting.
I also like how we can a glimpse inside Lucan's head. There's definitely something there between him and Jenna but it's unclear exactly what that is. Lucan is obviously willing to risk a lot to find out if she's safe. We also get a glimpse of Lacie too. She's definitely someone who doesn't want to talk about the curse and things. She seems to want to pretend it didn't happen.
Another thing I liked was the machine arrows. I thought that was a neat idea. I can see them playing a certain role in the future.
The only real issue I have is that Lucan has to risk death to leave. Why can't he simply walk out of the palace? He's the prince, shouldn't he be allowed? Is he trying to sneak out? Why not change clothes and sneak out the "backdoor" then? I felt like the ending part was a little rushed or under-explained.
Overall, a good chapter. [:
5/20/2012 c10 Paper Ghost
[If she happened to see a commoner walking in the streets, their faces would tell her]
I feel like saying 'their face' would flow better and make more sense since you're only talking about one commoner.
[Jenna sighed, pulling the dull curtains close.]
Typo here. Should be 'closed'.
[a table, a window, a (rather small and cramped) bathroom, a toilet and a bed]
The specific mention of a toilet is unnecessary because you've already mentioned the room has a bathroom attached. Consider removing the mention of the toilet.
-
Ack! Again with the exciting ending. Even though the story is well under way, I'll answer your questions anyway.
1. I thought the first part had a decent pace. It really helped set up the characters and situation. It established them enough so they're actions towards the end made sense, even when they were surprising. There were a few things that could have been fleshed out a little more but there's still time for that.
2. I have no predictions for the future.
3. I guess my favourite character so far is Grace. She's mysterious. She has a decent background and feels real. She's developed enough to understand her past with Eidan and what most of her motives so far have been. Then again, it's unclear why she would kill the King or what her role is, exactly.
4. Least favourite character has been Lacie. She comes across as selfish and isn't as developed as the other characters so far. Of course it's still early in the story so it could all change but as it is now, she's a weak character compared to some of the other ones.
5. Eidan is better because he's more developed. We haven't really had a chance to see things from Lucan's perspective, although it seems like there's more to him than meets the eye. There's been hints of his personality and he seems a lot like Eidan in some respects.
Anyway, I like the way things are progressing. This is definitely a good chapter. I like the constant struggle Eidan going through. I thought you portrayed that very well. I also like that he still maintains some amount of control, even if it is difficult. Looking forward to more. [:
[If she happened to see a commoner walking in the streets, their faces would tell her]
I feel like saying 'their face' would flow better and make more sense since you're only talking about one commoner.
[Jenna sighed, pulling the dull curtains close.]
Typo here. Should be 'closed'.
[a table, a window, a (rather small and cramped) bathroom, a toilet and a bed]
The specific mention of a toilet is unnecessary because you've already mentioned the room has a bathroom attached. Consider removing the mention of the toilet.
-
Ack! Again with the exciting ending. Even though the story is well under way, I'll answer your questions anyway.
1. I thought the first part had a decent pace. It really helped set up the characters and situation. It established them enough so they're actions towards the end made sense, even when they were surprising. There were a few things that could have been fleshed out a little more but there's still time for that.
2. I have no predictions for the future.
3. I guess my favourite character so far is Grace. She's mysterious. She has a decent background and feels real. She's developed enough to understand her past with Eidan and what most of her motives so far have been. Then again, it's unclear why she would kill the King or what her role is, exactly.
4. Least favourite character has been Lacie. She comes across as selfish and isn't as developed as the other characters so far. Of course it's still early in the story so it could all change but as it is now, she's a weak character compared to some of the other ones.
5. Eidan is better because he's more developed. We haven't really had a chance to see things from Lucan's perspective, although it seems like there's more to him than meets the eye. There's been hints of his personality and he seems a lot like Eidan in some respects.
Anyway, I like the way things are progressing. This is definitely a good chapter. I like the constant struggle Eidan going through. I thought you portrayed that very well. I also like that he still maintains some amount of control, even if it is difficult. Looking forward to more. [:
5/20/2012 c24 
2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
I didn't understand why Jenna was so mean to Eidan. Got to wonder if its mind control or brainwashing or something. However I liked the scene with Mana and Zeph. It was really well written and I felt for them lol
I guess one can tell this wasn't planned..because I didn't get it why Jenna was mean O_o then again its been awhile since I've read this, so yeah. (btw: y u no review my newest chapters? :p)
2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActorI didn't understand why Jenna was so mean to Eidan. Got to wonder if its mind control or brainwashing or something. However I liked the scene with Mana and Zeph. It was really well written and I felt for them lol
I guess one can tell this wasn't planned..because I didn't get it why Jenna was mean O_o then again its been awhile since I've read this, so yeah. (btw: y u no review my newest chapters? :p)
5/19/2012 c24 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like Mana. She seems like a good character to read about, and she and Zeph suit each other, I think. Poor Zeph! Can't he just have a moment of happiness? :( Personally, I think it was a great reuninting scene, and you get a real sense of their relationship through it, so great job with that.
And Eidan! How could you do that to him! Saying that...yeah, okay, it was written really well and I loved how, afterwards, Jenna isn't really sure what she's done, what's really going on - it's an interesting way to do it, and one I think will cause her some trauma later on. Overall, just really good stuff - still throughly enjoying reading this so will be back soon to read the next chapter.
99Dreamers-RequiemI really like Mana. She seems like a good character to read about, and she and Zeph suit each other, I think. Poor Zeph! Can't he just have a moment of happiness? :( Personally, I think it was a great reuninting scene, and you get a real sense of their relationship through it, so great job with that.
And Eidan! How could you do that to him! Saying that...yeah, okay, it was written really well and I loved how, afterwards, Jenna isn't really sure what she's done, what's really going on - it's an interesting way to do it, and one I think will cause her some trauma later on. Overall, just really good stuff - still throughly enjoying reading this so will be back soon to read the next chapter.
5/18/2012 c9 Paper Ghost
[That is was too dangerous?]
Typo here. Should be 'that it was too dangerous'.
[It took a while for Eidan to regain his consciousness back]
There's a redundancy here. You don't need the 'back' because you already have 'regain'. You could say 'gain his consciousness back' or simply remove the 'back' and keep it 'regain'.
-
Even though this chapter felt short, it was important. I think a lot happened in such a small amount of time. It was definitely an unexpected twist for Jenna to be Celeste (or is she really?). At the same time, it fits so naturally. This whole curse business is really intriguing too.
I like the character progression of Eidan here. He's definitely taken a step into a deeper relationship with Jenna. I was surprised he was able to take control of his body from Caelum but, again, it still felt natural. I think the consistency comes from the 'slow' build up through the first half dozen or so chapters.
Definitely an exciting chapter. I'm interested to hear more about the curse. I especially can't wait to see what's going on. Where is Grace now? Where are Lucan and Lacie? Why did everything change in the palace? What was the purpose of killing the King? And so on. This really is an exciting story. [:
[That is was too dangerous?]
Typo here. Should be 'that it was too dangerous'.
[It took a while for Eidan to regain his consciousness back]
There's a redundancy here. You don't need the 'back' because you already have 'regain'. You could say 'gain his consciousness back' or simply remove the 'back' and keep it 'regain'.
-
Even though this chapter felt short, it was important. I think a lot happened in such a small amount of time. It was definitely an unexpected twist for Jenna to be Celeste (or is she really?). At the same time, it fits so naturally. This whole curse business is really intriguing too.
I like the character progression of Eidan here. He's definitely taken a step into a deeper relationship with Jenna. I was surprised he was able to take control of his body from Caelum but, again, it still felt natural. I think the consistency comes from the 'slow' build up through the first half dozen or so chapters.
Definitely an exciting chapter. I'm interested to hear more about the curse. I especially can't wait to see what's going on. Where is Grace now? Where are Lucan and Lacie? Why did everything change in the palace? What was the purpose of killing the King? And so on. This really is an exciting story. [:
5/17/2012 c8 Paper Ghost
[Rolling her eyes, she slammed the door close and walked along the corridors]
Typo here. Should be 'slammed the door closed'.
-
Wow! I was literally on the edge of my seat through most of this chapter. It was so exciting. So much happened in such a small amount of time. So many questions have risen. Definitely a lot of things happening at once that seem separate at first but will probably tie together somehow.
There's a lot of surprising things happening, like Grace killing the King and Lacie's 'ability'. I have to wonder how she and Lucan play into things. I'm left wondering how they'll come back into story. It's pretty clear they know something about Caelum.
I loved the action. It felt real and intense. There's also a great sense of mystery, like why did everyone become like statues? This was an excellent chapter, so intense. Very well written too. Can't wait to read more! [:
[Rolling her eyes, she slammed the door close and walked along the corridors]
Typo here. Should be 'slammed the door closed'.
-
Wow! I was literally on the edge of my seat through most of this chapter. It was so exciting. So much happened in such a small amount of time. So many questions have risen. Definitely a lot of things happening at once that seem separate at first but will probably tie together somehow.
There's a lot of surprising things happening, like Grace killing the King and Lacie's 'ability'. I have to wonder how she and Lucan play into things. I'm left wondering how they'll come back into story. It's pretty clear they know something about Caelum.
I loved the action. It felt real and intense. There's also a great sense of mystery, like why did everyone become like statues? This was an excellent chapter, so intense. Very well written too. Can't wait to read more! [:
5/17/2012 c7 Paper Ghost
Sheesh, you're good at leaving chapters off at just the right place. The bit with Eidan regaining his memory is an exciting twist, especially because Grace is able to give it back. There's definitely a sense that things are going to pick up in terms of pace now.
I like how Lucan's character is getting fleshed out now too. There are some interesting things happening like with his sister. I suspect that'll play an important role in the future. Or maybe not. Have to read more and see.
The ending section with Caelum adds new depth. It seems he is the one Grace was talking about. The imagery was especially nice in the last bit. Overall this was a very very well written chapter. [:
Sheesh, you're good at leaving chapters off at just the right place. The bit with Eidan regaining his memory is an exciting twist, especially because Grace is able to give it back. There's definitely a sense that things are going to pick up in terms of pace now.
I like how Lucan's character is getting fleshed out now too. There are some interesting things happening like with his sister. I suspect that'll play an important role in the future. Or maybe not. Have to read more and see.
The ending section with Caelum adds new depth. It seems he is the one Grace was talking about. The imagery was especially nice in the last bit. Overall this was a very very well written chapter. [:
5/17/2012 c6 Paper Ghost
[only to find that she couldn't obviously see him from her position]
Would flow more naturally as 'she obviously couldn't see him'.
[he saw that Jenna had bitten her lip, muffling out any muffles of melodramatic pain]
It's a bit repetitious here; muffling and muffles are only three words apart. Consider rewording.
["You better do."]
Even for dialogue this doesn't sound right. Perhaps omit the 'do'?
-
Dun dun dun! Ha. This was another good chapter. Even though there's not much action, there's plenty of plot. I like the character development in this chapter, especially the interaction between Eidan and Jenna. I also love Jenna's character. She is amusing.
I love the imagery you. Things like 'Her hair trailed down to her waist in untamed waves of bright gold, like the drunken rays of the sun, or a drizzling waterfall of honey.' are simply fantastic. It's so easy to picture.
The change in Grace's appearance is intriguing. I love the ending of this chapter. It leaves the reader wanting to read more, which is great. I love "page-turners." I've got to admit I'm surprised Grace and Jenna meet so early. I thought they weren't going to meet for a while. So that was a nice turn. This was a very well written chapter. [:
[only to find that she couldn't obviously see him from her position]
Would flow more naturally as 'she obviously couldn't see him'.
[he saw that Jenna had bitten her lip, muffling out any muffles of melodramatic pain]
It's a bit repetitious here; muffling and muffles are only three words apart. Consider rewording.
["You better do."]
Even for dialogue this doesn't sound right. Perhaps omit the 'do'?
-
Dun dun dun! Ha. This was another good chapter. Even though there's not much action, there's plenty of plot. I like the character development in this chapter, especially the interaction between Eidan and Jenna. I also love Jenna's character. She is amusing.
I love the imagery you. Things like 'Her hair trailed down to her waist in untamed waves of bright gold, like the drunken rays of the sun, or a drizzling waterfall of honey.' are simply fantastic. It's so easy to picture.
The change in Grace's appearance is intriguing. I love the ending of this chapter. It leaves the reader wanting to read more, which is great. I love "page-turners." I've got to admit I'm surprised Grace and Jenna meet so early. I thought they weren't going to meet for a while. So that was a nice turn. This was a very well written chapter. [:
5/16/2012 c5 Paper Ghost
[Eidan's furrowed his eyebrows and averted his gaze away.]
The "away" is unnecessary here because averted already means that. It's redundant to have both.
[so why did it feel like he had known his entire life?]
Missing "her"?
[He returned his gaze back to her]
Same thing as before. Return and back mean the same thing in this context so it's unnecessary to have both. I would just remove "back".
[Eidan looked at her weirdly. "It's an animal."]
Weirdly is a weak word. I would use something like strangely.
[His expression told her that this was something that he obviously didn't want to tell her, but that only made her more eager to know.]
The word "that" appears three times in one sentence here. Things can get bogged down by repetition like this and it interrupts the flow. Consider removing unnecessary thats or rewording.
[And besides, what would he gain from creating such a strange story up?]
"Up" feels out of place here. It's unnecessary.
-
Now this was an interesting chapter. Definitely a lot of plot lurking in the background. I love the parallels throughout. I especially liked the continuation of the dark/light theme, starting with light and ending with dark. I feel like there were several hints about things but I'll keep my speculations to myself. The hook with Eidan and Lucan suddenly not having their respective ailments is an interesting turn of events and a great hook to grab the reader. Definitely leaves a feeling of wanting to know more. This was a great chapter. [:
[Eidan's furrowed his eyebrows and averted his gaze away.]
The "away" is unnecessary here because averted already means that. It's redundant to have both.
[so why did it feel like he had known his entire life?]
Missing "her"?
[He returned his gaze back to her]
Same thing as before. Return and back mean the same thing in this context so it's unnecessary to have both. I would just remove "back".
[Eidan looked at her weirdly. "It's an animal."]
Weirdly is a weak word. I would use something like strangely.
[His expression told her that this was something that he obviously didn't want to tell her, but that only made her more eager to know.]
The word "that" appears three times in one sentence here. Things can get bogged down by repetition like this and it interrupts the flow. Consider removing unnecessary thats or rewording.
[And besides, what would he gain from creating such a strange story up?]
"Up" feels out of place here. It's unnecessary.
-
Now this was an interesting chapter. Definitely a lot of plot lurking in the background. I love the parallels throughout. I especially liked the continuation of the dark/light theme, starting with light and ending with dark. I feel like there were several hints about things but I'll keep my speculations to myself. The hook with Eidan and Lucan suddenly not having their respective ailments is an interesting turn of events and a great hook to grab the reader. Definitely leaves a feeling of wanting to know more. This was a great chapter. [:
5/15/2012 c4 Paper Ghost
["It's nothing, princess." He grumbled, squinting at the curtains.]
Improper punctuation here. 'He grumbled' is a speaker tag. Change the period to a comma and de-capitalise (is that even a word?) the 'he'.
[The only thing that he could think of saying was "Oh."]
Missing the comma after was.
-
Mm, this was another intriguing chapter. You're doing well to build things up. Without leaving a real cliffhanger, this chapter definitely leaves the feeling of wanting to read more right away. I call that success. Again, the imagery is great. Everything is very colourful, I suspect that's intentional.
With the introduction of Lucan, my suspicions seemed to be confirmed from the last chapter. It seems there's a 'light kingdom' and a 'dark kingdom' and each person in the kingdom has a counterpart in the other. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. At any rate, very well written. [:
["It's nothing, princess." He grumbled, squinting at the curtains.]
Improper punctuation here. 'He grumbled' is a speaker tag. Change the period to a comma and de-capitalise (is that even a word?) the 'he'.
[The only thing that he could think of saying was "Oh."]
Missing the comma after was.
-
Mm, this was another intriguing chapter. You're doing well to build things up. Without leaving a real cliffhanger, this chapter definitely leaves the feeling of wanting to read more right away. I call that success. Again, the imagery is great. Everything is very colourful, I suspect that's intentional.
With the introduction of Lucan, my suspicions seemed to be confirmed from the last chapter. It seems there's a 'light kingdom' and a 'dark kingdom' and each person in the kingdom has a counterpart in the other. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. At any rate, very well written. [:
5/15/2012 c3 Paper Ghost
[the chair that Jenna broke once and he had to fix it.]
The 'it' here is unnecessary. It feels out of place. The sentence will still make sense if you remove 'it'.
[it was empty and all he could just about remember was his name and age.]
'all he could just about remember' doesn't flow very well. Rewording it would improve it.
[he felt more at ease here rather than the extravagant corridors of the palace.]
Feels like an 'in' is missing here between 'than' and 'the'.
[He shook his head, running a hand through his limp hair.]
'limp' doesn't feel right here. Consider using another adjective.
-
I love the imagery in this chapter. Great descriptions throughout. I like how you made the night feel alive with things like "The sky was swimming in darkness".
The introduction of the mysterious girl was intriguing, especially because of the parallels to Jenna. Definitely adds a new depth to the story. The ending was fantastic. I really liked how you wrote Eidan awake then asleep then awake again without any apparent break in the flow of the story. Very well done.
I look forward to reading more. [:
[the chair that Jenna broke once and he had to fix it.]
The 'it' here is unnecessary. It feels out of place. The sentence will still make sense if you remove 'it'.
[it was empty and all he could just about remember was his name and age.]
'all he could just about remember' doesn't flow very well. Rewording it would improve it.
[he felt more at ease here rather than the extravagant corridors of the palace.]
Feels like an 'in' is missing here between 'than' and 'the'.
[He shook his head, running a hand through his limp hair.]
'limp' doesn't feel right here. Consider using another adjective.
-
I love the imagery in this chapter. Great descriptions throughout. I like how you made the night feel alive with things like "The sky was swimming in darkness".
The introduction of the mysterious girl was intriguing, especially because of the parallels to Jenna. Definitely adds a new depth to the story. The ending was fantastic. I really liked how you wrote Eidan awake then asleep then awake again without any apparent break in the flow of the story. Very well done.
I look forward to reading more. [:
5/12/2012 c37 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Heyy!
I like Morgan. His boredom really showed a lot about his personality, and he seems like a very cool person. ANd wow, Jenna's really going through some turmoil, especially in the beginning. Nice job showing us this emotion!
This curse is so interesting. I can't imagine having to watch the same story unfold time after time, yet each story truly depends on the individual. I hope Zeph dies an epic death; not an illness. It just doesn't seem Zeph's style.
My God, seeing Jenna talk to her parents reminds me of her at the beginning of the story. Quite the magnificent change in terms of character development. :)
o_o Morgan and his sister are psychopaths. And I really like that interpretation of the clockwork body thing. That sort of two body thing always interests me.
Good luck with your exams!
3thenutrunningthenuthouseHeyy!
I like Morgan. His boredom really showed a lot about his personality, and he seems like a very cool person. ANd wow, Jenna's really going through some turmoil, especially in the beginning. Nice job showing us this emotion!
This curse is so interesting. I can't imagine having to watch the same story unfold time after time, yet each story truly depends on the individual. I hope Zeph dies an epic death; not an illness. It just doesn't seem Zeph's style.
My God, seeing Jenna talk to her parents reminds me of her at the beginning of the story. Quite the magnificent change in terms of character development. :)
o_o Morgan and his sister are psychopaths. And I really like that interpretation of the clockwork body thing. That sort of two body thing always interests me.
Good luck with your exams!
5/11/2012 c2 Paper Ghost
"it now looked more like a mangled, squashed, metal… thing"
Squashed doesn't really seem to fit here. It feels really out of place when thinking of a metal object. Also, the ellipsis but I've already mentioned that.
"I will do no such-" the table was met with a barrage of thumps, "-thing!"
It feels like the comma is unnecessary here.
"It was obvious what was fabricating through their minds right now"
Fabricating doesn't work. It means 'create' or 'make' and neither one of those fit the context. I suggest a better word choice to improve it. Or keep it but change it to something like 'the thoughts they fabricated in their minds'.
"Oh, how their daughter was so childish, so selfish and thoughtless, and why in the world couldn't she have turned out like her brothers?"
This section would flow better with a stronger break after 'selfish and thoughtless' and 'why in the world'. The first thought is not directly related to the second thought. A period would be better than a comma.
"Jenna, you are nearing age of seventeen"
This just does not flow at all, even for dialogue. This could be the way people speak in your world so I may be speaking out of ignorance but it just feels so unnatural. Consider rewording.
"You are growing into a young woman and-"
An ellipsis would be better than a dash here. The dash implies the speaker is cut off. The ellipsis would indicate the speaker trails off or says more but it is not recorded. The ellipsis tells the reader that Jenna has tuned out the speaker even before being told.
"Lately, he hadn't been talking to her – actually, scratch that."
The last part of this bothers me. It feels out of place for the narrator to directly talk to the audience. It doesn't fit the narration style so far. Plus, it reads kind of weak compared to the writing so far.
"Jenna, are you listening?" her mother snapped, interrupting her thoughts."
Just a quick note about speaker tags. The 'best' speaker tags are say and ask (and variations). Anything else takes the focus off the spoken part. It's not wrong but I thought it was worth mentioning.
"It was large with white walls the colour of snow"
This is redundant. You already say they're white before saying they're the colour of snow. I suggest just removing the 'white' from the sentence.
"Pausing, she narrowed her eyes"
Pausing what? Her internal debate? Or did she start towards the door already?
"After a long silence of nothing"
This doesn't flow very well. Silence is the lack of sound so the 'nothing' is just redundant. Removing 'of nothing' would improve it.
"Thanks…" she gave him a grin"
'She' should be capitalised here because it isn't a speaker tag.
"If anything, it should be the other way around!"
This is the third time an exclamation point has appeared. There's nothing wrong per se but it's usually best to use them sparingly (except maybe in dialogue).
"staring down at his dirty knuckles with pale blue eyes"
So, the knuckles have pale blue eyes? I think you mean 'staring down with pale blue eyes at his dirty knuckles'.
"Her friend was pale, very pale"
Suddenly referring to him as 'her friend' feels out of place. Just calling him 'he' would work just fine and continue the flow already established.
"Liar."
This feels out of place. It feels like the narrator is speaking again, instead of Jenna. You could just add a bridge and tack it onto her dialogue on the prior line.
"She shoved the remaining chunk of bread down her mouth and quickly devoured it"
She shoved it down her mouth? What's more, the second half of the sentence (after the and) is just another way of saying the first.
"He stopped, trailing off into silence"
The 'into silence' isn't necessary. When a speaker trails off it's already assumed it's into silence.
"It's getting late, Princess. You should sleep.
You're missing the last quotation mark here after sleep.
"I suppose I should..."
This line would be better as a new paragraph. Jenna is speaking but the last action was Eidan's. Also, 'she' should be capitalised because it is not a speaker tag.
"No!" She snapped, giving him a fierce glare."
Of course, 'she' is a speaker tag here and should be lowercase. Two lines down 'she' should be capitalised.
"They were surprisingly soft, but tough"
There's a small clarity issue here. You're talking about Eidan's hands but the preceding sentence is talking about how soft his skin is. So there's a break. You could simply replace 'they' with 'his hands' or shuffle some sentences around to clarify.
"Eidan would never do that now though"
Feels like there should be a comma between 'now' and 'though'.
"Jenna gave a small timid smile"
Small and timid don't really work together here. They kind of imply the same thing so it just feels redundant.
"For a while, she stayed there"
I feel like this first 'she' should be 'Jenna'.
"Sighing, the princess dropped down into her bed and stared at the stars on the ceiling. She couldn't see them now."
If she couldn't see them she couldn't stare at them. She could stare towards them or at the ceiling but not at the stars. Consider rewording.
-
Phew! What a great chapter. I really wonder how things went from this to the events of the prologue. I like Jenna's character. She's strong-minded yet flippant, thoughtful yet childish. A great dichotomy.
I like the poetry at the opening and close of the chapter. It's a great hook to really draw the reader in. It feels like there's more depth to it than the obvious meaning from the bold lines. Can't wait to see how it plays out.
I don't know if you intended it but this chapter starting with light (a grand dining hall would need to be well lit, right?) and ending with darkness was beautiful. I wonder if you'll continue this theme throughout (other than the obvious ways I mean). If it was intentional, masterfully done. If it wasn't intentional, even better!
This is a great story so far. I say that after reading only one chapter. I am excited to read more. ]
"it now looked more like a mangled, squashed, metal… thing"
Squashed doesn't really seem to fit here. It feels really out of place when thinking of a metal object. Also, the ellipsis but I've already mentioned that.
"I will do no such-" the table was met with a barrage of thumps, "-thing!"
It feels like the comma is unnecessary here.
"It was obvious what was fabricating through their minds right now"
Fabricating doesn't work. It means 'create' or 'make' and neither one of those fit the context. I suggest a better word choice to improve it. Or keep it but change it to something like 'the thoughts they fabricated in their minds'.
"Oh, how their daughter was so childish, so selfish and thoughtless, and why in the world couldn't she have turned out like her brothers?"
This section would flow better with a stronger break after 'selfish and thoughtless' and 'why in the world'. The first thought is not directly related to the second thought. A period would be better than a comma.
"Jenna, you are nearing age of seventeen"
This just does not flow at all, even for dialogue. This could be the way people speak in your world so I may be speaking out of ignorance but it just feels so unnatural. Consider rewording.
"You are growing into a young woman and-"
An ellipsis would be better than a dash here. The dash implies the speaker is cut off. The ellipsis would indicate the speaker trails off or says more but it is not recorded. The ellipsis tells the reader that Jenna has tuned out the speaker even before being told.
"Lately, he hadn't been talking to her – actually, scratch that."
The last part of this bothers me. It feels out of place for the narrator to directly talk to the audience. It doesn't fit the narration style so far. Plus, it reads kind of weak compared to the writing so far.
"Jenna, are you listening?" her mother snapped, interrupting her thoughts."
Just a quick note about speaker tags. The 'best' speaker tags are say and ask (and variations). Anything else takes the focus off the spoken part. It's not wrong but I thought it was worth mentioning.
"It was large with white walls the colour of snow"
This is redundant. You already say they're white before saying they're the colour of snow. I suggest just removing the 'white' from the sentence.
"Pausing, she narrowed her eyes"
Pausing what? Her internal debate? Or did she start towards the door already?
"After a long silence of nothing"
This doesn't flow very well. Silence is the lack of sound so the 'nothing' is just redundant. Removing 'of nothing' would improve it.
"Thanks…" she gave him a grin"
'She' should be capitalised here because it isn't a speaker tag.
"If anything, it should be the other way around!"
This is the third time an exclamation point has appeared. There's nothing wrong per se but it's usually best to use them sparingly (except maybe in dialogue).
"staring down at his dirty knuckles with pale blue eyes"
So, the knuckles have pale blue eyes? I think you mean 'staring down with pale blue eyes at his dirty knuckles'.
"Her friend was pale, very pale"
Suddenly referring to him as 'her friend' feels out of place. Just calling him 'he' would work just fine and continue the flow already established.
"Liar."
This feels out of place. It feels like the narrator is speaking again, instead of Jenna. You could just add a bridge and tack it onto her dialogue on the prior line.
"She shoved the remaining chunk of bread down her mouth and quickly devoured it"
She shoved it down her mouth? What's more, the second half of the sentence (after the and) is just another way of saying the first.
"He stopped, trailing off into silence"
The 'into silence' isn't necessary. When a speaker trails off it's already assumed it's into silence.
"It's getting late, Princess. You should sleep.
You're missing the last quotation mark here after sleep.
"I suppose I should..."
This line would be better as a new paragraph. Jenna is speaking but the last action was Eidan's. Also, 'she' should be capitalised because it is not a speaker tag.
"No!" She snapped, giving him a fierce glare."
Of course, 'she' is a speaker tag here and should be lowercase. Two lines down 'she' should be capitalised.
"They were surprisingly soft, but tough"
There's a small clarity issue here. You're talking about Eidan's hands but the preceding sentence is talking about how soft his skin is. So there's a break. You could simply replace 'they' with 'his hands' or shuffle some sentences around to clarify.
"Eidan would never do that now though"
Feels like there should be a comma between 'now' and 'though'.
"Jenna gave a small timid smile"
Small and timid don't really work together here. They kind of imply the same thing so it just feels redundant.
"For a while, she stayed there"
I feel like this first 'she' should be 'Jenna'.
"Sighing, the princess dropped down into her bed and stared at the stars on the ceiling. She couldn't see them now."
If she couldn't see them she couldn't stare at them. She could stare towards them or at the ceiling but not at the stars. Consider rewording.
-
Phew! What a great chapter. I really wonder how things went from this to the events of the prologue. I like Jenna's character. She's strong-minded yet flippant, thoughtful yet childish. A great dichotomy.
I like the poetry at the opening and close of the chapter. It's a great hook to really draw the reader in. It feels like there's more depth to it than the obvious meaning from the bold lines. Can't wait to see how it plays out.
I don't know if you intended it but this chapter starting with light (a grand dining hall would need to be well lit, right?) and ending with darkness was beautiful. I wonder if you'll continue this theme throughout (other than the obvious ways I mean). If it was intentional, masterfully done. If it wasn't intentional, even better!
This is a great story so far. I say that after reading only one chapter. I am excited to read more. ]
5/10/2012 c36 6Victoria Best
Hey :D
Another amazing chapter! Wow, I loved everything about this! (Especially the title! Oh my gosh, my heart nearly stopped when I read that! It's depressing that it didn't actually happen, hee, hee :D) Also, I don't know if I have said this, but I absolutely love the italics at the beginning of every chapter. It sort of makes this story feel really abstract and definitely makes it unique and memorable. I don't think I've seen that done in a story before, and it's a brilliant idea that adds so much depth and insight into certain characters' thoughts and they always pose an amazing analogy or philosophical question. For example, in this one, I love the sentence "Evil can actually be good." It really stops and makes you think, and I suppose in some ways its right. It's great because it makes the reader feel more involved with the story and understand the characters, as well as actually think about the philosophical issues raised, rather than just passively read. It's great!
I love the light humour in this chapter. This story always makes my day and really cheers me up and makes me smile. So many parts in this were absolutely adorable and really made me laugh. It's good that you add in these more light-hearted parts to numb the otherwise serious tone of this story a little, for example how it centres on several more tragic issues, such as Jenna's curse. "No. Absolutely not. Piss off." Aww! Zeph is such a sweetie. That made me smile. Why are you always so stubborn and miserable and mean Zephie? I just want to give you a hug! "Throughout her rehearsed speech (and yes, it was rehearsed), all Zeph did was munch on his food." Ha! Zeph is an insanely amazing character. Even his name is insanely amazing. ZEPH. I mean, it begins with a 'Z.' How many names begin with a 'Z?' Like none. Point proven. Also, I love how Zeph has such a cynical view on life. He won't do anything he doesn't want to, and will only do something that was his idea. He thinks he always knows best. A right meanie really, but still adorable. :') I loved that whole section where she tries to convince him. It was just genius! I was honestly in fits of laughter!
"After everything I did for you-"
"Which is basically nothing-"
"-you repay me with this! You, Zeph, are a lousy friend-"
"I didn't even know we were friends-"
"-and our friendship is over! I'm not your friend anymore! So there!"
And of course, Zeph's amazing: "Did she just say she wasn't my friend anymore?"
How do you come up with this stuff? That was THE most hilarious thing I have seen in AGES! :D :D :D Oh my gosh! You absolute genius. You absolute awesome-amazing-legend-genius. I LOVE IT. I LOVE THIS STORY. That was just brilliant. Another part I loved was when Mana says: "You should have seen his face when I said I wasn't his friend anymore as well." Haha! I wish I could have seen his face too! This story is too cute. I just want to jump inside and hug all the characters! Oh, but I also want to tap Zeph on the head very hard for being such a meanie and not even listening to the others. Grr. But then I kind of love him too much, so I would give him a hug straight after :P
The dialogue not only enhances the story and the plot, in places it makes the story so sweet and humorous, and it mainly shows the relationships between the characters and how they're gradually becoming closer. It kind of also shows how they are developing as people, too, for example the dialogue near the end of this chapter showed Jenna is becoming a lot more mature and is starting to realise she needs to face her struggles and her problems and stop running from them. She has finally realised that running from problems does not solve them, actually it just makes them worse. I cannot wait to see where her adventures will take her now that she is going to head back home. She has definitely grown as a person, especially from learning more about the world and learning that outside her perfect home there are so many wars and people suffering, and showed her that she took her life for granted so much and completely overlooked everything she already had. I am sure now she wishes she was happier when her life was all rainbows and sunshine, and most importantly, simple. This development in her character was gradual but definitely clear and realistic, and it has made her become a character readers can really empathise with and even admire.
I like the developing relationships between all the characters, and you have written them all brilliantly, and the changes in their friendships happen almost naturally. "Mana was nice. Mana would help them." This is such a cute little thought process. Mana is nice, therefore she will help. It has Jenna written all over it. It's great how you gently slip into her perspective sometimes, and it is never forced or sudden. It always happens gently and naturally, and it enables us to really see into her complex mind and understand her thoughts and her actions. Ultimately, it helps us empathise with her, and no matter how naive or even dumb she can be sometimes, I still love her as a character and want to learn more about her. Eidan and Jenna's relationship was also shown here as well, for example how quick he was to try and help her at the beginning of this chapter. I hope to see more of their relationship soon :')
And of course, what was incredible about this was the plot itself. You have such an imagination. I could never think up any of this stuff, not even in a YEAR OF SUNDAYS. Yeah, like forget months. I could be sitting there for a whole year and would not be able to think up any of this. You are amazing! I love the idea of the Unclaimed Lands and how the countries are fighting for them. Again, it showed how the Light Kingdom is pretty much a surreal dream compared to the rest of that world. Jenna really was living in a dream, and seeing all of this disaster and evil around her will definitely prove she takes things for granted, needs to grow up a little, and must even try to help these people and countries, because I really think she could you know, what with her reputation and power. This story kind of shows how fallible humans as a whole are, because everyone in the Light Kingdom appeared to completely ignore all of this trouble, turning a blind eye to it, and only caring about their own perfect lives. It shows that perhaps we all need to be more caring towards other people and take into consideration what's happening in the world around us, not just within our own homes. This has so many philosophical messages running through it, and I love it :') And I'm not even going to try and speculate why on earth some kid who isn't a kid has another body which isn't a body. I get confused just thinking about it, and as I said, nothing I speculate will be anything nearly as good as what you have planned! :P
So anyways, even I have no idea what I am talking about, and I am so sorry to have rambled for this long and just plain wasted your time. I don't even like feel worthy of writing a review of this incredible story :'( Anyways, this was absolutely incredible and I loved this chapter and will try and read the next one as soon as I possibly can. Exams are killing me right now! :( But I will try and read more as soon as possible. As always, you are an incredible writer and are such an inspiration. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
6Victoria BestHey :D
Another amazing chapter! Wow, I loved everything about this! (Especially the title! Oh my gosh, my heart nearly stopped when I read that! It's depressing that it didn't actually happen, hee, hee :D) Also, I don't know if I have said this, but I absolutely love the italics at the beginning of every chapter. It sort of makes this story feel really abstract and definitely makes it unique and memorable. I don't think I've seen that done in a story before, and it's a brilliant idea that adds so much depth and insight into certain characters' thoughts and they always pose an amazing analogy or philosophical question. For example, in this one, I love the sentence "Evil can actually be good." It really stops and makes you think, and I suppose in some ways its right. It's great because it makes the reader feel more involved with the story and understand the characters, as well as actually think about the philosophical issues raised, rather than just passively read. It's great!
I love the light humour in this chapter. This story always makes my day and really cheers me up and makes me smile. So many parts in this were absolutely adorable and really made me laugh. It's good that you add in these more light-hearted parts to numb the otherwise serious tone of this story a little, for example how it centres on several more tragic issues, such as Jenna's curse. "No. Absolutely not. Piss off." Aww! Zeph is such a sweetie. That made me smile. Why are you always so stubborn and miserable and mean Zephie? I just want to give you a hug! "Throughout her rehearsed speech (and yes, it was rehearsed), all Zeph did was munch on his food." Ha! Zeph is an insanely amazing character. Even his name is insanely amazing. ZEPH. I mean, it begins with a 'Z.' How many names begin with a 'Z?' Like none. Point proven. Also, I love how Zeph has such a cynical view on life. He won't do anything he doesn't want to, and will only do something that was his idea. He thinks he always knows best. A right meanie really, but still adorable. :') I loved that whole section where she tries to convince him. It was just genius! I was honestly in fits of laughter!
"After everything I did for you-"
"Which is basically nothing-"
"-you repay me with this! You, Zeph, are a lousy friend-"
"I didn't even know we were friends-"
"-and our friendship is over! I'm not your friend anymore! So there!"
And of course, Zeph's amazing: "Did she just say she wasn't my friend anymore?"
How do you come up with this stuff? That was THE most hilarious thing I have seen in AGES! :D :D :D Oh my gosh! You absolute genius. You absolute awesome-amazing-legend-genius. I LOVE IT. I LOVE THIS STORY. That was just brilliant. Another part I loved was when Mana says: "You should have seen his face when I said I wasn't his friend anymore as well." Haha! I wish I could have seen his face too! This story is too cute. I just want to jump inside and hug all the characters! Oh, but I also want to tap Zeph on the head very hard for being such a meanie and not even listening to the others. Grr. But then I kind of love him too much, so I would give him a hug straight after :P
The dialogue not only enhances the story and the plot, in places it makes the story so sweet and humorous, and it mainly shows the relationships between the characters and how they're gradually becoming closer. It kind of also shows how they are developing as people, too, for example the dialogue near the end of this chapter showed Jenna is becoming a lot more mature and is starting to realise she needs to face her struggles and her problems and stop running from them. She has finally realised that running from problems does not solve them, actually it just makes them worse. I cannot wait to see where her adventures will take her now that she is going to head back home. She has definitely grown as a person, especially from learning more about the world and learning that outside her perfect home there are so many wars and people suffering, and showed her that she took her life for granted so much and completely overlooked everything she already had. I am sure now she wishes she was happier when her life was all rainbows and sunshine, and most importantly, simple. This development in her character was gradual but definitely clear and realistic, and it has made her become a character readers can really empathise with and even admire.
I like the developing relationships between all the characters, and you have written them all brilliantly, and the changes in their friendships happen almost naturally. "Mana was nice. Mana would help them." This is such a cute little thought process. Mana is nice, therefore she will help. It has Jenna written all over it. It's great how you gently slip into her perspective sometimes, and it is never forced or sudden. It always happens gently and naturally, and it enables us to really see into her complex mind and understand her thoughts and her actions. Ultimately, it helps us empathise with her, and no matter how naive or even dumb she can be sometimes, I still love her as a character and want to learn more about her. Eidan and Jenna's relationship was also shown here as well, for example how quick he was to try and help her at the beginning of this chapter. I hope to see more of their relationship soon :')
And of course, what was incredible about this was the plot itself. You have such an imagination. I could never think up any of this stuff, not even in a YEAR OF SUNDAYS. Yeah, like forget months. I could be sitting there for a whole year and would not be able to think up any of this. You are amazing! I love the idea of the Unclaimed Lands and how the countries are fighting for them. Again, it showed how the Light Kingdom is pretty much a surreal dream compared to the rest of that world. Jenna really was living in a dream, and seeing all of this disaster and evil around her will definitely prove she takes things for granted, needs to grow up a little, and must even try to help these people and countries, because I really think she could you know, what with her reputation and power. This story kind of shows how fallible humans as a whole are, because everyone in the Light Kingdom appeared to completely ignore all of this trouble, turning a blind eye to it, and only caring about their own perfect lives. It shows that perhaps we all need to be more caring towards other people and take into consideration what's happening in the world around us, not just within our own homes. This has so many philosophical messages running through it, and I love it :') And I'm not even going to try and speculate why on earth some kid who isn't a kid has another body which isn't a body. I get confused just thinking about it, and as I said, nothing I speculate will be anything nearly as good as what you have planned! :P
So anyways, even I have no idea what I am talking about, and I am so sorry to have rambled for this long and just plain wasted your time. I don't even like feel worthy of writing a review of this incredible story :'( Anyways, this was absolutely incredible and I loved this chapter and will try and read the next one as soon as I possibly can. Exams are killing me right now! :( But I will try and read more as soon as possible. As always, you are an incredible writer and are such an inspiration. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
5/9/2012 c1 Paper Ghost
"i tripped over and burst into tears because"
I find myself wondering 'tripped over what?' Nothing wrong per se but it does feel like there's something missing. 'Tripped' already implies falling down (opposed to stumbling) so the 'over' seems unnecessary.
"She could hear him cursing as he tried to loosen the rope but obviously, it was no use."
The comma feels out of place. It jars the flow in an unnatural way. I feel like 'obviously' should have a comma before it as well. Or maybe there should be no comma at all.
Also, the punctuation with the ellipses is wrong. The couple times it appears here, it is directly after the word. There should be a space before and after an ellipsis.
-
This was quite the opening. I felt pulled into the story right away. The opening paragraphs was full of fantastic imagery. I really like how the opening is full of darkness but the end is full of light (the fire).
I like the line "Yes, the crowd. The people. Commoners. Peasants. Monsters." and how the crowd slowly devolves.
I especially like how the prologue is the end (or is it?). A nice hook to grab the reader. I also like the dynamic set up between the two people. Almost seems like a sort of love-hate relationship. This is written very well. =]
"i tripped over and burst into tears because"
I find myself wondering 'tripped over what?' Nothing wrong per se but it does feel like there's something missing. 'Tripped' already implies falling down (opposed to stumbling) so the 'over' seems unnecessary.
"She could hear him cursing as he tried to loosen the rope but obviously, it was no use."
The comma feels out of place. It jars the flow in an unnatural way. I feel like 'obviously' should have a comma before it as well. Or maybe there should be no comma at all.
Also, the punctuation with the ellipses is wrong. The couple times it appears here, it is directly after the word. There should be a space before and after an ellipsis.
-
This was quite the opening. I felt pulled into the story right away. The opening paragraphs was full of fantastic imagery. I really like how the opening is full of darkness but the end is full of light (the fire).
I like the line "Yes, the crowd. The people. Commoners. Peasants. Monsters." and how the crowd slowly devolves.
I especially like how the prologue is the end (or is it?). A nice hook to grab the reader. I also like the dynamic set up between the two people. Almost seems like a sort of love-hate relationship. This is written very well. =]