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4/13/2012 c33 10Vivace.Assai
Okay, sorry about not reviewing yesterday. I got caught up in other things. To make up for it, I shall review two chapters today.

That first part where Lucan was going through the abyss. There was just an ethereal sense to everything - I felt as if I too was wading through this unknown land of magic, wonderment, and darkness. Very nicely written. There were so many beautifully written words but here a few of my favorites: [The darkness felt like inky fingers scratching across his whole body], [misting endlessly over them], [Coughs ripped through his lips], and [Black spots danced across his eyes, and she was still smiling].

And then, this ethereal sense kept continuing throughout the whole chapter. The writing nicely conveys how Lucan feels so out of his depth - he is clearly surprised by everything happening around him but he's just following along with no thought in mind. He is mystified and floating through the events without truly registering what is happening. I also liked the reoccurring comparisons between Grace and Ethel as Jenna and Lacie (respectively). And also the mention of the swinging crucifixes. It just all added to how Lucan's perception was growing hazy and he only noticed a few things surrounding him. I really did like the atmosphere evoked in this first part with Lucan here - it was very nice and perfectly fit the situation.

Okay, that scene with Grace and Ethel was very interesting. I have so many questions now. Will the curse be broken? What will happen next? How will they break the curse? Why is Lucan important in breaking the curse? What did Ethel mean by Jenna is dying inside? However, I liked this scene the most because of the characterization done for Ethel. Now, it's very clear what type of person Ethel is. She's clearly one of those wise, intelligent beings who knows the most out of all the characters. At the same time, she can be cold and has bursts of behavior that is slightly insane and frightening. She's also not that sympathetic towards people - she can kill them without even blinking. She does have a fiery temper sometimes. I liked how Ethel's words and actions characterized her. It was nicely done.

Also... I realized something halfway through Lucan's later narration parts in this story. He's going insane. That's why the narration is so disjointed and not clear at all. I think you did well in reflecting the insanity edging into Lucan through the voice of the narration and the style. I do enjoy how your narration perfectly reflects the characters' thoughts and attitudes and circumstances - it just makes it feel as if the readers are taking a look into the characters' minds. This makes me more empathetic with the characters.

Overall, great chapter. You do torture your characters too much though. This sadism has to stop. It makes for great plot but it makes me so sad. Why oh why do I have a feeling this story will be a tragedy? *sniffles at the thought*

Signing off...
4/13/2012 c18 2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
For some reason I always pictured Jenna as a brunette lol guess I'm odd that way. In any case, I'm reviewing multiple chapters at once to get progress faster.

Chapter 15 was awesome. Loved how the woman looks like Jenna but probably isn't. Loved that people are turning to stone in Air Kingdom..neat stuff. Has one at the edge of their seat..great chapter overall.

Chapter 16 is great, not much else to say. Loved it. Grace has always interested me. I never LIKED her, but she was always facinating.

Chapter 17 Writing this as I read it. Ah hell naw! Zeph better not be dead...nooooo. Bring him back? Bitchin'! How do we do it? sweet! Good Chapter definately worth the read. I liked it alot! Not too long in its present form at all!

Okay let's see here, since you have more specific questions, I'll make this when I post the review:

1. It had its up and downs. I liked the first part much better, but this part still had its excitement and I like all 3 of our protagonists, so mission accomplished if that's your goal :)

2. She'll be the Princess of Earth Kingdom or something (groans) seriously. Zeph being the Prince I didn't like. I think it would've been cooler and less cliche if that was someone else and Zeph was just an airship pilot/theif and nothing more. I liked that idea better honestly. But I don't think you should reverse that decision now or anything, since it goes with the story now I guess. It was odd that you made him the decendant of some Wind God now though..feels a tad wierd and cliche as well, sad to say. Still love the story overall though.

3. I really don't know for sure.

4. Eidan I think...but I'm honestly not sure. They are both highly likable. For now though, I'll go with Eidan.
4/13/2012 c10 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, I think I really owe you one review here. :) Firstly let me comment on Caelum's dialogue. Firstly I do see that you've done well on how he attempted to troll Eidan. But if there's anything to go by, I think you could have heightened his mockery. At the end of the day, I can only see him trolling in the matter-of-fact manner. Pretty much like I-told-you-so kind of attitude. Maybe you can try to make Caelum even more cynical in laughing at Eidan. Like making use of what might have happened back there in the palace. Eidan might/might not know the actual picture, but if Caelum managed to utilize the lives of others to hammer home the point of futility, Eidan will end up in a far more realistic struggle.

In fact I'm pretty much surprised that Lucan's presence was merely a one shot mention while nothing was said about Grace. To me, Caelum doesn't need to spill anything substantial here. Anything ranging from half-truths to outright lies can and will mess Eidan even further. For both Lucan and Grace to be sure.

Secondly, while I can give props to Eidan's inhumane fortitude to fighting back, I feel that you might have focused way too much on how he saw Caelum as an entity of denial rather than focusing on his ties with Jenna.

Or maybe let me phrase it this way: You're trying to use what we've known as the main weapon rather than creating a more in-depth take to heighten the impact behind the struggle. Is there any additional memories he could muster up in the process? Has he ever questioned why he had to endure all these due to his ties with Jenna? (Note that this can tie in with Caelum's trolling) What about Jenna's treatment towards him when it comes to how he's fighting against the trolling? Or perhaps he's already contemplating the worst case scenario (which has happened in the same chapter span anyway). Basically, this is the only issue I can nitpick here.

As for the first part, I don't feel that it moved slowly, but you might need to take notable care on how you do the showing rather than telling. The best case example will be how you describe the room layout towards the end. Maybe you can use "the room was a far cry to the luxury she's used to with cement walls muted in white and cobwebs being the very icing upon the surface. Everything within was merely a case of bare necessities no different from a commoner's abode." All you need is to create the skeleton and some flesh. Let the readers complete the rest as fiction is all about invoking the readers' imagination.

On predicting what will happen next, I think it's pretty redundant since you've already gone thirty plus chapters now lol.

Favorite character so far would still be Eidan since he's the character that's by far the most realistic and well-defined.

As for least favorite character, I guess it's Grace from an objective POV since I can only see her as a character driven by envy/jealousy/hate. If I want to be subjective, it's Jenna, but at least I do see some waking up on her side. Read: Signs of actual development.

As for whose better, I'll have to say Eidan for the same reason I've stated on his end. In fact I could have put Lucan as the answer to the question four if not for the fact that Grace at this point of time ended up having the highest potential value of impact.

P.S: My suggestion on the trolling end is very simple. Go Youtube and type Blazblue and Hazama as the keywords. You don't need to understand what's going on in reality. Just take serious note on how Hazama troll the characters. i.e the mocking nature of his tone and how he reacted to the rest of the cast. If you need any prior information on his character, just go to the BlazBlue wiki. :)
4/12/2012 c35 v-n-ll-y
See, even Eidan and Grace think Ethel is a bit on the... psycho side. She really is quite sadistic. Not only does she seem amused by other people's suffering but she deliberately withholds information, for the most part, that could end the suffering.

I like how you wrote Grace's point of view; her outlook on life seems very bleak and hopeless, and it makes sense because she's aware she's only a clone. And her interaction with Lucan is interesting, tehe :3

I'm intrigued by this Morgan child, I wonder what he'll be like. I have no idea what his temporary cure would be though.

AHAH SEE I TOLD YOU EVERYONE WOULD HAVE TO DIE. MY SIXTH SENSE FOR TRAGEDY LOL. Okay seriously, I hope they can find a way around that, though I still have the feeling that at least a couple of them are going to end up dying... Though I don't suspect Ethel is one of them. Hmm.

Anyway, good job overall. Sorry to do a bit of a rush job with this review but I'm kind of in a hurry. Can't wait for next chapter :)
4/12/2012 c35 11trilby94
ohhhh my good gracious this story is so good! I would honestly buy it if it was on the shelves - amazing! I read the whole thing today and I love the intricate plot and your complex, distnct characters...especially Zeph 3 He's my favorite :D

What a twist on the curse front :O I din't expect they'd have to KILL each other! I was just starting to like Grace as well! I honestly don't have any critcisms, this probably isn't constructive at all xD

As for the romance between Jenna an Eidan, I don't think it's out of character because you built it up so well, plus there's all the internal conflict.

So yes, I love this story and can't wait to see what happens next :D
4/12/2012 c1 trilby94
Oooh I can already tell this is going to be good xD I saw this at the Roadhouse forum and I'm very glad I did :)

The way you use langage is very beautiful, I thought the beginning descriptive lines especially so. I also like the way you start at such a gripping point - the reader can't help but read on! A solid start for both characters as well. SO yes, I am very much looking forward to reading more :)
4/11/2012 c1 3CieloRayn
Great starts to a story =). It was very captivating from the very first sentence. I can already see your characters relationship even though I've only read the prologue.
4/11/2012 c35 1mingsquared
Another excellent chapter. The curse is definitely cruel but it makes the story more exciting. I'm curious about the Grace and Lucen's fate, as well as their relationship (which, by the time, is interesting). Update soon.

Some technical mistakes I found.

[Did he think that just because she had never in her life [touched a touched] before] Yeah...lol

[How could he easily be so happy when she was there [in front of smiling, glaring at him] as if he had committed murder?] I don't get the part in brackets.

[Lacie turned to both of them, her eyes lingering on Grace [for longer than necessary.]] This part too.

[His nails dug into his plan as he clenched his [knuckles].] You mean fists or hands. You're fingers would have to bend backwards to clench knuckles.

[The balance [is] fulfilled and you [live] a beautiful life with Caelum's reincarnation – over and over and over again.] Tense error. Was and lived.

[ Each of Ophelia's reincarnations [is] given tremendous power to protect Aphyron.] Was.

[Throughout her lifetimes, she [has] to watch as the people she loved [are] tortured for her mistakes.] Had and were.
4/11/2012 c32 10Vivace.Assai
So that's where Ethel went! I thought she would come to Eidan to explain things (which just goes to show my prediction skills) but instead, she's showed up at Lucan's prison cell! I'm excited though! Lucan is awesome and I can't wait to read more about him... Hopefully, he'll become a much bigger character than he has been in these last few chapters? But great way of conveying Lucan's thoughts here - you really showed how kind he was and how important Jenna is to him. He also has endurance too, since he's clearly been able to survive the Earth Kingdom's torture... somewhat...

[she heard Caelum smirk] Not to be skeptical but I'm curious... How do you hear somebody smirk?

Ah... Caelum is so angry. What is so interesting is how Celeste perceives Caelum... Her view of his personality is true but she seems to believe he only hates her for everything - for her mistake. But from Caelum's narration, we know he really loves her. I just think it's nice how your different character narrations have different thoughts and perceptions of the world - sometimes, the readers know more about what is going on than the characters themselves. And that is nice since it is certainly true that individual perception isn't as exact as a combined one. But anyways, the way you describe Jenna's, Eidan's, Celeste's, and Caelum's emotions were nicely done - you grasped it all in this scene just wonderfully. :D

OH MY CAELUM... They are not... They are not going... I can't believe this, Jenna and Eidan are leaning closer to each other. I might have a heart attack if what I think will happen does actually happen... or doesn't happen... And considering how I'm very old and unhealthy, this might actually happen... And they KISSED! *mind implodes in shock and glee* But great description of the kiss. I tend to be uncomfortable reading kissing scenes (being the unromantic and cold-hearted person I am - kind of strange, I'm writing a romance then, right?) because they kind of fall onto the uncomfortable side of things. And then, sometimes, people just write: "they kissed" - and that's it... and somehow, that is unsatisfying. But your description was perfect - enough information but not enough that the mind could still have a chance to imagine things. And while also, I love how you showed Jenna's emotions - it's clear she really wants to reach out to Eidan and the scene was beautifully written.

By the way: the curse is broken slightly with Jenna? And through love? Surprising... I wonder why...

Ah more Lucan time! Ethel's characterization is nice, though. You've shown what her personality is like. Clearly she's blunt and straight-forward - also she is pretty sure of herself and her abilities. At the same time, she is wiser than her age shows and she seems to know a lot of things...

Ah... this story is getting so interesting. I loved this chapter! It was a great read! I can't wait to see what shall happen in the next chapter! :D

Signing off...
4/11/2012 c21 1illusionae
It's so awkward between Eidan and Lucan... I've also just realised that Jenna is surrounded by three boys who don't seem to get along with each other at all. She still manages to act like herself though so that's something! XD I thought the scene between Jenna and Zeph in the toilet was sweet. Are you sure you're not going to have any romance between them? Sometimes it feels like you are XD Great chapter as usual :)
4/11/2012 c20 illusionae
This chapter was fun to read especially the game that Jenna played with the two boys! Nothing much happened but you still managed to keep me interested so I liked this chapter either way :) And I didn't expect Lucan to come back in this chapter! He hasn't been around in a while so I'm really keen to see what is going on with his plot. Onto the next chapter!
4/10/2012 c31 10Vivace.Assai
Oh wait... I totally forgot to mention this yesterday but I checked out your drawing of Grace, Eidan, and Ethel. It looks really nice!

Eidan's thoughts were nicely done in this chapter. I liked how you switched between his flashbacks and what was happening currently. Also, the flashbacks gave great insight into who he was as a character and how he's changed. It was great to take a look into Eidan's past and his friendship with his sisters. And also look at his father's hatred for him. Overall, I enjoyed the look at Eidan so much, since he is a major character but we haven't see that much about him personally.

I like the way you integrated the counting with Jenna's thoughts. It shows how she is counting to herself but at the same time, there are several different worries running through her mind. She's clearly trying to calm herself but she can't because she's pensive about everything that is happening. So, the way you formatted everything there was very nicely done and got the point across excellently.

OH MY CAELUM! I cannot believe this... I cannot believe this at all. What is happening? What has happened has answered so many questions yet made things so much more complicated. I had been curious as to why Eidan didn't have his curse any longer... and now, it's clear why. It's because Ethel took the curse for herself. But now... what is going to happen? If everywhere he looks will kill - I fear for the other characters and for his own fate. Also... how does this curse work? Why did this curse even begin? And why does Eidan have the curse? Why did it even return? So many questions... So little answers so far.

Also, the flashbacks were nicely done. And I liked how Ethel was introduced. She's a lot different than I imagined her to be - though I always did have a feeling she was a lot different than Eidan or Grace... But I imagined her to be colder and crueler. Maybe I'm not gauging her personality correctly since I've only met her for a part of a chapter... These siblings you have in the story are so curious. And by the way... talking about siblings... What of Lacie? She always seemed so interesting to me, yet we haven't heard from her in awhile... In like never, actually. Is she a significant character? And why must she always wear gloves and a veil?

This chapter was intense! This story keeps getting more and more interesting by the chapter! I loved it.

Signing off...
4/10/2012 c15 2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Funny he hadn't thought of stealing it back before, but I did like their interactions this chapter so ah well lol

This chapter definately felt longer than the others, but in a good way.

wait what? Zeph is Alexander LOL I'm surprised that that surprised me. NICE. Does keep things funny though, doesn't it?

Glad to see these questions at teh end, because I'm having trouble knowing what to say abotu this chapter lol

Zeph's past seems generic to be honest, but is an interesting thing I guess. I would've preferred if he wasn't the prince and the prince was a seperate character but oh well.

Their plan likely is to seem like he's turning her in, but he actually isn't, as he steals his thing back and let's her run back home or something but somehow they both end up on his airship. That's my prediction.

Eidan? Hell if I know. He feels like the odd-man out with this part XD I kinda hope he doesn't find her until after they're both away in an airship.

Nice set up for things to come, I look forward to the next chapter. And yes, Fiction press is gay sometimes, I know this from when uploading my own stories .
4/10/2012 c14 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
This chapter made Jenna sound increibly stupid. Better without rules? Yeah..its offical..she's a moron.

Elf? There are Elves in this story? bitchin! XD

"why in the world he was looking at her as if she had no brain."

Because you DO have no brain bitch! XD

Sorry, I'm starting to like Jenna lesss and less . Zephs okay I guess.

Yeah..ditching Zeph..also not smart. I knew you made her naive before, btu COME ON. She seems to lack even basic survival instintcts! jeez. XD

all in all..the chapter was okay...I think o.o
4/10/2012 c35 DutchAver
I was hugely surprised by finding out that Jenna has to kill Lucan and Eidan Grace - no way that they're going to do that. I dread the chapter where they'll head for Morgan and they'll find out what's going to need to happen to break the curse. Jenna's going to cry and Eidan's going to be VERY angry.

I feel very sorry for Grace too. It's everyone's biggest nightmare - living, breathing, feeling, existing, and then hearing that not only are you a stupid clone, you are meant to die as well. And, as if that's not bad enough, her BROTHER has to kill her.

When the curse breaks, I think the abyss will have to close: it seems like the most likely outcome. That also means that Eidan can't return to his home at all.

Ethel seems like a very stoic woman herself, but I think she's hiding her real emotions herself too. It hurts her to find out that she has to lose her sister, but she's not very good in letting her emotions show.

One thing I noticed - you were about to give us answers, but then you switched over to a romance scene between Grace and Lucan. I'd change that, so that the romance would come after the scene between Eidan and Ethel... because we were all eager to find answers and it was kind of annoying to suddenly read romance instead :) Other than that, the chapter was great. What's the romance between Grace and Lucan going to be like, and when will Lucan find out that he will have to die? Oh, and... what about Lacie? :( Is he going to leave her alone? I feel sorry for that girl. I so hope that there's a way out for them, maybe to de-clone them, or something...

Can't wait for your next chapter!
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